Lovely

by Jez Strider

  For some reason, as I picked up the plate and stood, a frightening secret slipped from my lips before I could stop myself. “I lied to you… to myself. I ran away because I did hear a voice. It was my brother blaming me for the accident.”

  “Have you heard this since?”

  “A couple of times, but I know it’s not real. No matter what I did in this world, my brother would never speak to me that way. The few times the voice spoke positive things were more convincing.”

  “Farrah, this is the key for you. If you know it’s not real, it can’t take over your life.”

  “Does this mean I have the illness like my mother?”

  The doctor shook her head. “I want to speak more before I make a diagnosis. There are people in this world that hear voices, cope, and are not schizophrenic.”

  “I appreciate you talking to me candidly. My other therapists only narrowed their eyes and nodded sagely.” I left the room before she could respond, not even sure if she was going to do so.

  Chapter 45

  Speaking to the doctor exhausted me. I returned to my room and gathered up the art supplies Brody had placed in the luggage. Dana was lying in her bed with her headphones on, staring blankly up at the ceiling. It wasn’t as enjoyable as painting, but I began sketching her. In my state, I felt like I could understand and relate to her illness even if it wasn’t the same as whatever mine was or wasn’t. When I finished, I had a beautiful piece that somehow had captured the essence of the woman and her troubles.

  Interested by this, I turned to a blank sheet of paper and headed downstairs with my supplies. Two women were sitting on the couch watching The Price is Right. I curled up in a chair in the corner and began sketching them both at the same time. I had no idea what problems they were facing, but once again, I was able to capture an essence of who they were. The sketch oozed melancholy, but the laugh lines of one woman and the quirky smirk of the other as she watched television hinted at the possibility of past, present, and future happiness.

  Lunch interrupted me finding another subject to draw. After that everyone was encouraged to spend some time outside. I joined in when Dana invited me to play a game of croquet with the others. As far as sports go, I’m terrible, but I found myself having a great time. Even during my high school years, I’d never really had friends. I kept to myself or by Brody’s side.

  Before I knew it, I was laughing and having a blast. The concern that I was in a home for mental patients had disappeared.

  Dr. Winford opened her blinds and watched from her office window. Being observed all the time worried me, but I had to admit, it seemed like the best way to get to the truth. Whether I wanted to hear it or not was yet to be discovered.

  Chapter 46

  My drawing time vanished for a few days. Every moment was filled. One evening I’d be in the Doc’s office spilling my guts, another learning Ms. B’s secret recipe for key lime pie, and the next exploring the surrounding area with Dana.

  I’d been napping one evening after dinner when my roommate shook me awake. “What’s going on? Is there a fire?”

  “It’s Sunday evening.” Dana was in one of her good moods today. It didn’t make her any more descriptive.

  “So?”

  “Nobody’s got in a fight or anything this week. You can make a phone call for half an hour.”

  I bolted straight up in my bed. “Don’t be screwing with me.”

  “One hundred percent truth.” She made an ‘x’ with her finger over her heart. “I figured you’d wanna call your man.”

  “Yes!” I leapt out of bed, hugged Dana, and ran down stairs, taking three at a time. I stumbled when I reached the bottom. The other patients interested in making a call were lined up in front of Ms. B’s office. A twinge of sadness hit me when I realized there were only three of us interested in calling anyone.

  “Simmer down now, gals. They’re charged for you. Remember, thirty minutes.” Ms. B reminded the two ahead of me.

  “I’d like to use my phone, please.” Damn, I sounded desperate.

  She unplugged the phone from the charger. “This one, right?”

  I nodded as I closed my hand around the cell phone. “I’m going to take a walk in the forest.”

  “Be careful. Reception is spotty in some places, too.”

  My heart thundered as I made my way out of the house, down the front steps, and into the forest. It took every ounce of self-control not to take off running. I glanced at the security guard, Helen. She eyed me suspiciously for a moment before lighting another cigarette. The chain smoking guard made me nervous, but I’d yet to see her actually do anything since I’d been there.

  The ground was soggy after the rain the night before and my old Sketchers sunk into the ground with each step. I hopped over the white fence that lined the road leading to Pleasant House and hid behind one of the large tree trunks. I leaned my back against the tree and turned on my phone.

  When it booted, I was greeted with a smiling Gavyn. The background was a photo from our wedding. We looked completely happy and in love. I slid my finger across the screen and clicked on his number.

  One ring. Two. Three. I bounced on my toes anxiously hoping he would be home and not at work. Four. Five. Voicemail.

  This can’t be happening!

  I hung up and tried again. This time he answered after the third ring. “Farrah!” He said in his beautiful accent. I melted against the tree and sighed softly. It was like hearing the voice of an angel. A really sexy angel.

  “I miss you so much!” I said without greeting him with a proper hello.

  “Is everything okay? I’ve been worried sick.”

  “It’s not that bad other than wanting to see you, talk to you, and touch you every minute of the day.”

  “You missed Mac by only a few seconds. Mum picked him up for the week.”

  I slid to sitting at the base of the tree. “How’s he doing?”

  “Fine. Angry that you’re gone. He orders me to go get you every day.”

  Silence hung between us and I answered the question I knew he wanted to ask. “The doctor says I have some schizophrenic tendencies, but it happens to people sometimes during times of high stress. She thinks I’m capable of being a good wife and safe mother.” I broke down and started crying out of nowhere.

  “Bloody hell, I could have told you that and I’m not a doctor.”

  I laughed through the sobs. “Sorry, I didn’t plan on crying. Hearing your voice is so amazing. She says if I have issues I may need to take some medicine to help keep me even when shit hits the fan, but keeping an eye on my behavior is the most important thing to do.”

  “Then come home now, Lovely.” He sighed into the receiver. “No, don’t. I know you need this. I’m being selfish. What is it like?”

  “Weird. It’s almost like a vacation. I’ve made a few friends.”

  “You’ve made friends? That’s a first.”

  I grinned. “Don’t tease me. It is true, though.”

  “I cannot believe you’re on holiday without me right after our wedding. I’m supposed to be making love to you until you can’t walk.”

  I closed my eyes and rested my head against the rough bark. “I want that… so bad.”

  “How much longer do you have to talk?”

  “About fifteen minutes. If no one gets in trouble, I can call next week, I think.”

  “That’s plenty of time.”

  Cautiously, I asked, “Time for what?”

  “Are you by yourself?”

  “Gavyn!” I peered around the tree toward the house, checking everywhere to make sure I was alone. No one ever walked out this far.

  “Well, are you?”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  He went quiet for a second and I heard something rub against the phone. “Sorry, that was my shirt. I’m sitting here in our bed with only my boxers on now.”

  “I’m out in the woods near the house. I can’t do that right now.”

  “Don’t
worry. The only snake that will be spitting venom is mine.”

  I bit my lip, giving a groan of frustration as I debated with myself. “Are you hard?”

  “From the moment I heard your sweet voice. You don’t have to take your clothing off. Just slip your hand into your pants or shorts. What are you wearing?”

  “A pair of shorts from my high school days. They’re almost inappropriate since I’ve gotten taller since then. I have a t-shirt on, too.” I did another survey of the area and slid my hand into my shorts.

  “Sounds so hot. Are you touching yourself now?”

  “Yes,” I whispered. I’d never had phone sex before and I knew I was bad at it. I’d always been too embarrassed to give it a try.

  “Me too. I can feel you, baby. A few hundred miles away and I still taste you on my lips.”

  I didn’t respond because I was focused on keeping my moans silent. I remained as quiet as possible, trying to hear what he was doing. My eyes rolled back in my head as I heard him groaning on the other end of the line. “Gavyn!” I called out, too far away for anyone to hear me.

  “You’re… so sexy.”

  Hearing me call out his name followed by my moans as I reached climax a couple of minutes later sent him over the edge. I’d become extremely familiar with the one thing that got Gavyn off when he was trying to hold back. My orgasm. There was nothing he loved more than my pleasure.

  I kept my eyes closed, drawing in deep breaths. “I’m coming home right now.”

  He chuckled. “It won’t be much longer. Sorry for making you be my bad girl. I shouldn’t have pushed you into that. You just get my blood boiling.”

  “Never apologize for making me feel this way.” I laughed and checked the time on my phone. “I don’t want to hang up.”

  “Want me to do the spy voice?”

  I whimpered softly, “Please.”

  He laid the accent on thick and I smiled as the tears ran down my cheeks. “Listen, pussycat, of all the women I’ve bedded, you’re the juiciest morsel. I’ve a job to do or this world will end.” He made a sound like he was cocking a gun. “I say goodbye, but I’ll never forget the ride.” I could picture a crooked smirk on his face.

  “I would be offended if you weren’t such a sexy spy. The bastards get away with everything.” We both laughed.

  “I love you, Farrah. Bye.”

  “I love you.” He hung up first and I was glad. I didn’t have the resolve to do so.

  When I climbed to my feet, the rough bark of the tree clung to my shirt, picking at the fabric. As heartbreaking as being away from Gavyn was, I stood tall and wiped the tears from my cheeks. I knew he’d be waiting for me. Instead of crying or moping, I smiled when I returned to the house, handed Ms. B my phone, and headed up to my room.

  Dana lifted a pierced eyebrow. It was on the same side as Gavyn’s. “How’d it go?”

  “Good.”

  “Did you have phone sex?”

  “What? No! Of course not!” I stammered out.

  She laughed. “Liar. They let people call as a test of their stability. It ain’t really a gift. It’s to see how you handle the separation.”

  It made sense. “Who did you call?”

  “Nobody.” She slipped on her headphones and closed her eyes. The conversation was over.

  I lay down on my back, stretching out on the bed as I thought about the life waiting for me back home.

  Chapter 47

  The next week, a fight between Dana and Carol resulted in all of us being punished. Carol was a hypochondriac. The day before she’d claimed to be allergic to water. Today she was trying to convince us she was blind. First, she turned up the volume on the television to maximum and then kept walking around bumping into everyone.

  One annoyance too many set Dana off and she slapped Carol’s face. “I’ll beat your vision back into you, bitch.”

  “Dana, don’t do that.” I went to Carol’s side.

  “Shut the hell up, Farrah.” She stalked off to her room.

  I sighed. I’d learned quickly that Dana had anger management issues to go along with the other problems she’d told me about. Ten minutes later she returned and apologized, but the damage had been done. No calls.

  “I’m pissed off now. Going for a walk. Would you like to bitch slap me first?” I left the room and stepped outside.

  As I was walking around the house, a gagging sound caught my attention. I peered around the corner to see Laurie with one hand resting against the building and the other at her lips. Her fingers were down her throat and she was trying to make herself throw up.

  “Laurie?” I said softly. “Should I go get someone?”

  “I ate too much.”

  Looking her over, I noticed for the first time her thin and frail frame. I’d been too concerned with my own life to pay attention. “I’m going to get the doctor.”

  “Wait.” She whispered and I paused. “Just talk to me for a minute until the need passes. I’m doing better with my illness despite what it may look like.”

  Unsure of what to do, I nodded and leaned against the side of the house. “Why do you do this?”

  “Because I used to be fat and bullied. The only way I could lose weight was to starve and vomit.”

  Her blunt answer surprised me. “Oh.”

  “It’s body dysmorphic disorder. I know I’m critical of myself, but when I look in the mirror all I see are the things wrong. I wish I could see myself the way other people do instead of the way I think they see me.”

  An idea hit me, but I wasn’t sure if it was a good one. I wasn’t a psychiatrist and I didn’t want Laurie’s situation to worsen. “I might get in trouble for this and it might not help, but… what if I did a sketch of you? Then you can see for yourself how I see you.”

  She lifted her head, seemingly past the urge to throw up, or at least distracted from it. “You can draw that good?”

  “Not to brag, but yeah.” I smiled. “Come up to my room.”

  “You won’t tell on me?”

  “If something happened to you because I didn’t tell Doc, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. You’d tell on me, too.”

  She sighed and followed as I walked toward the front of the house. “I would.”

  Dana was in the living room with Carol. The argument appeared to be forgotten. Laurie and I headed upstairs. I shut the door behind us and went to lock it out of habit even though there wasn’t a lock.

  “What should I do?” She asked.

  I flipped the page of my sketchbook. I’d been doing a drawing of Gavyn from memory. “Just stand there.”

  “Should I smile?”

  “Whatever you want.”

  Her mouth drew into an uncomfortable smile. The tank top and shorts she had on emphasized how skinny her legs and arms were. I didn’t start there. I began with the eyes. They were large and round with just the slightest upward turn at the corners. Her eyelashes were full and long. I moved on to the rest of her features after I finished with that. She would have been prettier if I would have added some meat to her legs and arms, but I was trying to show her what she really looked like.

  I draw fast. The entire process took less than thirty minutes. She’d sat down on Dana’s bed about halfway through when she’d grown tired of standing like a statue. I did a few finishing touches… some freckles and a tiny mole beneath her eye.

  “Done.” I handed her the book, but she didn’t look down at the sketch.

  “I’m afraid.”

  “Don’t be. You’re beautiful.”

  Laurie inhaled a deep breath and cast her eyes down to look at the portrait. A confused expression came over her face and she crinkled her brow as she ran her fingertips over the drawing. “Is this really what you see?”

  “The art doesn’t lie. I’m kinda obsessed. I would know. What do you think?” I bit my lip nervously.

  “She is pretty.” Laurie smiled at me. “Sad and way too fucking skinny, though. Looking at a drawing is different than a photo
. Seems more honest.”

  “You will get better. You’re doing well.”

  “Can I keep this?”

  “Sure. I have a photographic memory for everything I paint and draw. I can do another if I want.”

  She tore the page out before handing the book to me. “I think I’ll hang it in my room. Thanks, Farrah.”

  “No problem.” I stood to walk her out and she suddenly turned and hugged me. Shocked, I patted her on the back. I hoped I hadn’t made a mistake.

  Chapter 48

  The more accustomed I became to life at the Pleasant House, the faster the days flew by. Before I knew it, I was sitting on the couch in Dr. Winford’s office for my last session. Afterwards, Gavyn would be there to pick me up and I could return to my life. I hadn’t spoken to him since the first time I was allowed to call. Every week someone had messed up and gotten into a catfight or shouting match.

  “We’re going to miss you.” Dr. Winford sipped from her usual brown coffee mug.

  “As crazy as it sounds, and you know crazy, I’m going to miss everyone here.”

  “I think this was a great experience for you.”

  “It has been hard, but I feel like I know myself better. Brody made a great choice when he picked this place. If I’d been sent to a white walled hospital, I think I would have rebelled.”

  She made a few notes. “So, you’re going to stick to your monthly visits after this, right? I want to make sure you get the medication you need if stress begins to overwhelm you again.”

  I nodded. “I will, not only for myself, but for my husband and son.”

  “Laurie finally told me what you did.”

  “She did?” I looked down at my hands. “I’m sure I overstepped some sort of boundary.”

  “Possibly, but she is doing okay. I know you did that as a friend and not to try to treat her. I’m glad it worked out for the better.” She checked her watch. “Your ride should be here any minute. Everyone will want to say goodbye.”

  I inhaled a deep breath and shook the doctor’s hand. “Thank you for everything.”