Secrets of Our Hearts

by Sheelagh Kelly

  8

  Upon great consideration, there seemed no point in telling Nora anything for the time being. For, despite their increasing intimacy over the next couple of months, Boadicea steadfastly refused to countenance marriage. And after all, as she herself said, they had only been together a short time; it just felt like years. The more he got to know her, the more she was a total mystery to him. Sometimes he felt he knew everything about her, other times not at all. But throughout these fluctuations, there was one constant: he loved her. He could not say why, for at times she deeply hurt him with her thoughtless quips and actions – but that very ability to hurt showed that he did love her, was crazy about her, otherwise he would not hang around eager for more. But, for the moment, Niall must be content with these weekly liaisons to watch a film and perhaps to receive a kiss at the end of it, all talk of marriage forbidden.

  It came as a shock, therefore, when Nora herself was the one to broach the subject.

  The children were in bed that Friday night, though with the onset of summer and longer daylight hours, it had been harder to get them there, and they could be heard still talking and giggling at nine o’clock. Harriet had gone to meet her own amour, leaving only Niall, his mother-in-law and Dolly sitting in the living room, reading their various books and periodicals.

  Nora suddenly lifted her head, and asked her daughter, ‘Didn’t you mention you were having an early night?’

  Without so much as an argument at not receiving any supper – almost as if it had been prearranged, thought a suspicious Niall – Dolly closed her novel and rose. ‘Yes, I think I’ll finish this in bed. ’Night, all.’

  With the door closed, Nora eased her impregnable torso from the chair and began to dabble around the stove. ‘Right, you and me’ll have a cup of tea, Nye.’ Rinsing the teapot with hot water, she waited for the kettle to return to the boil, meanwhile delving into the caddy with a spoon. ‘Eh dear, how time flies when you’re getting old … I was just remarking to the girls, it’s been fifteen months since our Evelyn died, and nearly ten since our Ellen …’ There was a casual air to her introduction, but Niall had heard that tone before, and knew that it prefaced some deeper intent. He tensed in readiness. Had she found out he had been seeing Boadicea?

  ‘I can’t believe it, can you?’ She turned sad eyes on him.

  Still wary, he lowered his dark head and shook it respectfully.

  ‘It still seems like yesterday I lost my Dom, so I know how lonely you feel.’ Padding the hot handle with a knitted square, Nora tipped the kettle towards the pot. ‘It’s harder for a man, I think. I know you said you’d never marry again, but if you were just saying it for my sake… then I want you to reconsider.’

  Shocked, but inwardly delighted at being granted this opening to confess about Boadicea, Niall instinctively shook his head, ‘Oh, well, I don’t—’

  Nora stopped him with one of the authoritative stares at which she was so good. ‘I’m not saying you have to rush into it. But just sit and listen to my proposition.’ She stirred the teapot, and tapped the spoon on its edge. ‘Before you say anything, I know she hasn’t got the looks, but she’s good with children and a decent housekeeper …’

  Niall was thoroughly perplexed. ‘Sorry, Nora,’ he hunched forward and frowned at her, ‘who’s this we’re on about?’

  Setting out the cups, the elderly woman laughed at herself. ‘Oh, I thought I’d said – our Dolly!’

  Deeply shocked and perturbed, Niall struggled to reply, coming up with the first objection he could think of: ‘Is it legal to marry your sister-in-law?’

  Nora was not to be fooled. Seeing the look of undisguised horror on his face, she gave a perceptive nod, as she waited for the tea to brew. ‘Aye, I thought you might not be keen.’

  ‘It’s not that I don’t admire her!’ That was only part of it. My God, Dolly of all people! It took him all his time to deliver a peck on the cheek at Christmas, let alone kiss that mouth with its tombstone teeth that collected half a loaf between them whenever she ate a sandwich. Why, the goat-like bleat of her laugh was enough to drive him into the next room.

  Nora dismissed his interjection. ‘I can’t say I blame you, after being married to our Ellen. As I say, Dolly’s not exactly your Botticelli Venus. I just thought this might be a good opportunity to find her a husband. Nobody else seems to want the poor lass – not that I’m trying to palm her off on you.’ She lifted the teapot, staring wistfully into the distance. ‘It would have been nice to keep things in the family … but anyway, don’t worry, I warned her you might not take to the idea.’

  Eavesdropping on the other side of the door, Dolly had already pulled away with a silent gasp of indignation at being so discussed. Now, at Niall’s tacit rebuttal, she dashed up the stairs to pour humiliated tears into her pillow.

  Meanwhile, Niall’s gush of relief at not being obliged to marry her was stanched at first flow as his mother-in-law handed him a cup of tea, along with a confidence. ‘So, I’ve been putting out feelers to Gloria next door. I know you always treated it as a joke, but she really does think you’re the bee’s knees! Mrs Lavelle says she’s always twittering away about you. Anyway,’ Nora’s tone was conspiratorial, ‘I thought I’d invite her for tea on Sunday, let you get to know each other better. She’s a bonny enough lass when she has her teeth in. I know she’s not the sharpest knife in the box, but she’s got a good heart.’

  She was also very malleable. Hiding his dismay in his cup, Niall knew that Gloria would easily succumb to Nora’s bullying, whether she wanted the match or not. Unable to bring himself to hurt his mother-in-law’s feelings by giving outright refusal of both candidates, he formed his words carefully. ‘It’s a very brave decision on your part, Nora, thinking to do this for me …’

  She sat down, nursing her own cup of tea on her lap. ‘Not really.’ Not at all, in fact. Having guessed it was inevitable that her son-in-law would eventually seek another wife, and wanting to maintain control of her grandchildren, Nora had deemed it shrewder to line up her own contender. ‘I won’t always be here to look after you, and I’d like to see you settled.’ She took a sip from her cup.

  ‘Well, as a matter of fact—’ About to take advantage of her generosity, and reveal that he had found a prospective bride of his own, Niall broke off as Harriet burst through the door, shrieking.

  ‘You’ll never guess what!’

  ‘Christ!’ exclaimed Nora, clutching her cup and saucer with one large mitt, and her chest with the other. ‘You stupid cat, I almost scalded me lap!’

  ‘I’m engaged!’ Harriet’s usually hard face was radiant as she thrust out a hand adorned with a tiny diamond, and wiggled her fingers. ‘Look what Pete’s bought me! He got down on one knee and everything!’

  Still recovering from her fright, Nora examined the ring with a critical eye. ‘Couldn’t he have found one smaller?’

  ‘Mam!’ Harriet scowled, then studied her diamond protectively. ‘It’s not small, it’s subtle. I think it’s lovely.’

  ‘Congratulations.’ Niall manufactured a beam, despite harbouring feelings of anticlimax.

  ‘Mine too,’ said Nora, her voice more genuine now. ‘Well, at least we’ll have one wedding this year,’ she declared in pleased fashion.

  ‘Oh, didn’t it work?’ Harriet’s eyes went straight to Niall, proving that the discussion of his remarriage had not been spontaneous, but had been previously concocted between them. ‘Don’t suppose our Dolly’ll be very interested in my ring then. Didn’t you fancy Gloria either, Nye?’

  He could not withhold a surge of resentment, directed mainly at Nora. ‘How come you didn’t offer Harriet all this assistance you’ve shown me? Do you think I can’t be trusted to find a spouse – assuming I should want one?’

  Nora sighed. ‘Of course you can’t be trusted – you’re a man, aren’t you? No idea what’s good for you.’ She pre-empted his reply. ‘And if you think you were the one to choose Ellen, then think again! She had her sight
s set on you before you knew she existed!’ She gave a sad laugh at the thought of her once lively girl, then gave Niall a fond pat. ‘Aye, she knew how to pick a good un …’

  This took him by surprise, for such praise was rare. And again there was conflict in his breast, his anger at her interference dissolving into guilt as she bestowed this compliment.

  ‘And Harriet’s the same,’ explained Nora. ‘She’s her mother’s daughter; her choice doesn’t need vetting.’

  ‘Aye, we know how to keep them in line, Mam, don’t we?’

  That’s what you think, simmered Niall. Wouldn’t they get a shock when he told them? But not wanting an argument at this time of night, he chose not to proceed with this topic for now. And from this point, with all talk of marriage deflected onto his sister-in-law, Niall did as he usually did when they annoyed him. He left them to it, and went to bed.

  Talk at breakfast the next morning was still about marriage, Harriet nattering on to the children about what bridesmaid dresses they would be wearing.

  ‘And I hope you won’t be charging me half a crown for your services, Dom!’ she quipped to her altar boy nephew. ‘I’ll expect them for nowt.’

  He sucked in his breath and looked dubious. ‘’Tisn’t me what sets the rates, Aunt. You’ll have to speak to Father Finnegan.’

  ‘You can wangle me a rebate if you have the mind,’ Harriet teased the grinning boy.

  Throughout this banter, her sister remained sullenly intent on her cornflakes, Niall getting no word in at all either. It was hopeless now to mention Boadicea; the opportunity had passed. He wondered whether to apologise to Dolly, who had obviously been informed that he had turned her down, for if she looked at him at all it was only to glare. What with this, and Harriet making her even more peeved by flashing her diamond all over the place, he decided it was better to remain quiet.

  If only Harriet had felt the same.

  ‘We shall have to get our thinking caps on again,’ she told everyone cheerfully. ‘There must be somebody suitable among all our relations for Niall.’

  Niall dealt her a glaring rebuke for speaking thus in front of his children. But if the subject showed offence, it was mild compared to another’s. Dolly dropped her spoon into her half-finished cereal, dealt Harriet the most splenetic glare and retorted, ‘You just can’t help rubbing my nose in it, can you?’

  ‘Oh, stop being so jealous,’ said Harriet airily.

  With the children gaping from one argumentative face to the other, their grandmother intervened, saying calmly to Dolly, ‘We can’t force him to marry you, dear.’

  ‘I knew you’d be on her side!’ Dolly’s eyes brimmed with angry tears. ‘I heard the things you said about me last night!’

  ‘Well, you’ve got to admit,’ replied her mother, ‘you’ll never win any beauty prizes. Just simmer down. I’m sure we’ll find somebody who wants to wed you.’

  ‘See, that’s what I mean!’ Dolly bared her large teeth in anguish. ‘You make it sound – oh, don’t bother yourself!’ And she fled to the stairs, pounding up them for all she was worth, then, in no time at all, thundering down again with a small suitcase in her hand. ‘I’m off to stay with Aunty Peggy. She’s always appreciated me!’

  ‘’Course she has,’ laughed her mother uncaringly, watching as her daughter grabbed a work overall that had been drying near the fire, and shoved it into her case. ‘She wants an unpaid skivvy.’

  ‘Well, at least I won’t get insulted like I do here!’ Dolly snapped her case shut, and, hurling a last defiant look at Niall and a hasty farewell to all the children, she rushed out, slamming the door behind her.

  ‘She’ll be back,’ Nora gave a confident prediction to the gathering. And breakfast continued.

  It turned out that Nora was wrong in her forecast: Dolly was not to live there again. Though she did briefly return to make things up with her mother and sister during an evening of the following week, this truce was not to extend to Niall.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mam, you were right about Aunty Peggy, but I just can’t live here any more.’ From the scullery, he heard her anguished confidence. ‘I couldn’t bear the humiliation of seeing him marry somebody else.’

  Then he felt enormously sorry and, after a further uncomfortable half-hour in her presence, sought to rectify the situation as she was leaving. ‘It was nothing I had against you, Dol,’ he rose to explain, hoping that he sounded sincere. ‘Just that, well, it wouldn’t have felt right, you being Ellen’s sister …’

  But it didn’t work, the tone of Dolly’s reply making it very clear as to the depth of the hurt he had inflicted. ‘Ellen would have preferred me as a mother to her children, rather than some stranger you’ve chosen!’

  ‘I’ve no intention of choosing anybody!’ Niall could have kicked himself. Why did he protest such innocence? It felt like a betrayal of Boadicea. But there was no way he could mention her at the moment, not with feelings running so high.

  Dolly bestowed one last scornful glance, before taking leave of the others. ‘Anyway, I’m off.’

  ‘So, I’ll have to make do without your wages then,’ came her mother’s sigh of resignation.

  Dolly shrugged an apology. ‘I’ll let you have summat when I can.’

  ‘You’re still going to be my maid of honour, aren’t you?’ demanded Harriet insensitively, as her sister reached the door.

  Without enthusiasm, Dolly delivered a nod, before finally making her exit.

  ‘I feel terrible about all this …’ began Niall to his in-laws, after Dolly had gone.

  ‘Don’t you worry about her, son.’ Nora offered a crumb of comfort. ‘She’s a Beasty, she’ll survive. She might even meet a fellow next week who wants to marry her.’

  Out of politeness, Niall voiced the hope that this was true. But, aside from the guilt over hurting Dolly, he was in fact singularly unworried by her departure. For with her out of the way, there would be one less Beasty to fight against, when the war over his true marriage partner erupted.

  With Harriet’s wedding planned for the last week in August, which was almost upon them, and a smart new house beckoning on the council estate at Tang Hall, there would soon be another one less to fight against too. Much encouraged by this, by the following week Niall had forgotten all about the upset with Dolly, as he set off with a spring in his step to meet Boadicea – perhaps there would be a wedding for him too this year. At least there had been a slight improvement in their partnership, in that he was able to escort her to and from her home instead of meeting outside the cinema like strangers. Indeed, he had become a regular visitor to the Precious household, and seemed to have been accepted by her surrogate family. By now, he had come to enjoy his visits to the boarding house. Despite all the chaotic clutter, its atmosphere was not in the least oppressive; in fact, there was a lightness, a homeliness that emanated from the people who ran it. Contrary to her military manner, Ma Precious was a very friendly soul, and if she did approach everyone with the same bossy attitude as Niall’s mother-in-law, one was left with the impression that she had one’s best interests at heart. There was no malice at all, and he felt totally welcome. Alas, it would be a while before he could reciprocate. Ever conscious that Harriet might interpret his buoyant mood, and take to following him again, he had continued to conduct his liaison on an evening, as if on a trip to the pub. Thankfully, tonight she and Nora were safe at home stitching bridesmaids’ gowns, too busy to follow him.

  On his way along Walmgate, he paused to fish a cigarette from his pocket. Striking a match, he happened to glance into the empty window of a bakery where, with the dying of the sun, two black-clock beetles had deemed it safe to emerge, and now scuttled furtively from crumb to crumb, trying to avoid being seen. And in that moment of clarity, Niall looked upon himself: a dirty, devious beetle scuttling in the night, trying to hide his sins from the world. How could he say he wanted to marry Boadicea when he continued to regard her as some sordid secret? Accosted by this truth, he asked himself what
on earth he was doing. Remembering the viciousness that had been meted out to his errant brother, he did not relish the same happening to him, but he knew in that moment that he must treat Boadicea with the respect she deserved. The next time they met, Niall decided, it would be in daylight.

  If Boadicea had been surprised by his announcement that night, she made no adverse comment, but had agreed to meet him on Saturday afternoon, when they would go to the art gallery – the latter being one of the places in York she had yet to see. Though it might be a rushed visit, for, as she reminded him, ‘I’ve to be back for opening time.’

  On his way home, and indeed all that week, Niall had had much more to concern him than getting her to work on time. It had been a gallant decision, but one that would restrict his own movements, if it meant that the only time he could take her out was on a weekend. And if this was to become a habit, it would also require ever more ingenious excuses for those at home. He could not pretend to be going to any sporting event, for the boys would expect to come too. No, it would have to be suitably mundane. But that was to present other difficulties

  ‘Painting?’ Nora looked up from the bridesmaid’s dress she and Harriet were working on, both of them eyeing him up and down, as he prepared to depart that Saturday afternoon, having told them he was off to help a workmate decorate his front room. ‘In your decent trousers?’

  ‘No!’ Niall sounded slightly exasperated, as he picked up the bundle he had made of his work clothes. ‘I’m taking these to change into. If John’s missus asks me to stay for my tea, in return for helping him, I don’t want to be sitting on her sofa in me muck, do I?’

  But he was to deposit the bundle of clothes at Boadicea’s lodgings until his return.