Always and Forever (Always #2)

by Bethan Cooper

  “You’re hurt.” He steps toward me again.

  “Don’t you dare. You don’t get to fix me anymore. Nobody gets to fix me anymore. Just me!” I spit at him. “I’m fine. I don’t need anyone.”

  I turn to walk away.

  “Don’t you turn away from me, Ella. Don’t you ever turn away from me!” he roars, stilling my body.

  “What? You walked away from me, remember? You broke my heart. So don’t you fucking tell me to never turn my back on you. It’s all I’ve ever known you to do to me.” I turn back again.

  “Ella, please. Just hear me out.” Desperation clings to his tone.

  I turn and look at him. His hands are shoved into his trouser pockets, and he gestures toward the bench. “Come sit with me. I need to explain some things to you.”

  He sits on the long metal bench and I sit next to him.

  I guess now I’m really going to learn the real reason Luke James left me.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  I shift uncomfortably on the seat and rest my head against the wall behind me. Luke coughs and breathes in a long, lingering breath. He breathes out and turns toward me.

  “I was young, okay? I was young. I was just as sad as you when I left you. Do you really think it was easy for me to see you collapse on the floor and let myself walk away? I wanted to run back to you, wrap you up in my arms. But I couldn’t, Ella. I couldn’t be that guy. The one who would be so worried, so jealous, and constantly wanting to know what you were doing. Not that it would’ve made any difference. I still felt all those things. I just… in that moment, that moment you fell to the floor and cried your pretty little eyes out, I felt like a royal dickhead. I felt like one of the worst human beings on the planet. I walked away from the best thing that ever happened to me and let her slip through my fingers. And for that, I’ll never forgive myself.” He puts his head in his hands.

  I sigh and swallow back my tears. “The past is the past. It doesn’t matter now.”

  “The hell it doesn’t!” Luke shouts. He sees me blanch. “I’m sorry. Just don’t say that. Those three weeks, Ella, you taught me everything. You taught me how to live, how to love and be loved. You were the absolute best thing that ever happened to me.” He’s playing with that damn ring again. That circle that’s never ending and sits so delicately on his wedding finger. I watch it; he notices and stops.

  “We shouldn’t be talking about this right now. You’re engaged to be married, Luke.”

  He gives me a soft smile. “You seem so strong sometimes. So strong. But I know you still feel the same. I’m sorry I failed you. I just… I miss you. I miss everything to do with you.”

  “It’s too late for anything we ever promised. I went over and over this in my head for so long. I blamed myself for everything. I blamed me when you were the one who left. I’ve given up on everything I thought I stood for. I’ve given up, Luke. I can’t do it anymore.” I rub my palms up and down my face. “I’m not that naïve little girl anymore. I won’t take this shit.” I stand up and he stands with me. “We have to let it go. Once and for all. Let’s just let it all go.”

  He scoffs in what feels like irritation. “How do you suppose we do that, Ella? How do you suppose I forget all about you?”

  I laugh. “Well you managed for five years. What’s stopping you now?”

  “Don’t be dense, please. I thought about you every single day. I thought about what you were doing. I wanted to hear your soft giggle again. I wanted to hold you in my arms and have your heart beat with mine. In unison, like they should’ve been. I left you because I was a fool. I decided to grow up, leave behind my past in Charlotte. I never meant to leave you. I had plans for us. I had plans for us to be together, Ella. But I couldn’t put you through that pain. I couldn’t put you through it.” He sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “I couldn’t do that to the girl who I knew deserved so much better than me. I had put you through so much with Jenna, with Sarah. None of that was your fault, I was entirely to blame. I felt like I was the worst human being alive. I’m so sorry for every day it rained, Ella. It rained for me every day.”

  I wipe away the tear that falls slowly down my cheek. “It rained for me too. You’re engaged now, Luke. You can’t think of me in that way ever again. It’s like you’re here but there’s a glass pane between us. This glass is stopping me from wanting to touch you. I can’t explain how it feels to have you here with me right now, when my dreams were always filled with memories of you. Of your green eyes drowning in mine. I always wished for it back. I wished for the future that would never come.”

  “Ella-”

  “No!” I shout, stopping him in his tracks. “We’re done. I’ll travel home with you to Charlotte but after that I don’t ever want to see you again. I’ll quit my job. I’ll run away. I’m still upset about Nathan’s death. It terrifies me that you did that.” I didn’t want to let him know he shocked me to the core me with that.

  His crosses his arms across his chest. “That had to happen. He nearly killed you.”

  “That doesn’t give you the right to take another human’s life. Not ever.” I turn and start to walk away.

  “I’ll send you an email regarding travel arrangements, Ms. Stone.” He sounds sharp, professional. I close my eyes and slam the door behind me.

  ****

  Maybe it’s the fact I’m so desperately in love with the man who broke my heart so many years ago; that’s why this lonely apartment seems empty. Ryan is here. He’s asleep in my bed. I slept with him last night. And every ounce of my being screamed at me to stop. But why? Why should I feel guilty? Why should I feel like I’m cheating on someone who isn’t even mine?

  I’m sitting in a corner, my knees brought up to my chest, staring out at the New York busy, bustling streets. Even at three in the morning people are shopping. I smile at the leaves on the ground. They’re golden, auburn, and dead, but still so beautiful. I scan the bodies, their hearts all beating and working for something good in their lives. I envy them. I envy their perfect New Yorker life. Mine may look perfect, but it’s not. Maybe they’re the same as me. Maybe.

  I see him in faces. Faces of strangers. I see him every day.

  Warm arms wrap around me.

  “You should come back to bed, baby.” Ryan lifts me and carries me back to the bedroom. He places me on the bed gently, and hands me a glass of water and two Advil.

  “Take these. You look exhausted. You’re scaring me, angel.” He runs his finger down my cheek and I smile a broken smile at him. “Oh, babe. I wish you’d tell me what’s wrong.”

  Oh, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. I take his cheeks in my palms and gently stroke downward. “You deserve so much better than me.”

  His eyes search mine, wondering, caressing them. "You're as perfect as they come, Ella. You're beautiful to me."

  "Oh, Ryan." I hold the pillow and sob into it; desperate for someone to save me from this horrendous thing I'm about to do. "I can't do this." I mutter through heaving sobs. "I can't be with you anymore." His eyes grow wide. "I'm so, so sorry."

  He doesn't say a word. Instead, he stands up from the bed, picks up his clothes from the floor, dresses and walks out.

  I cry until I can't cry anymore.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Sometimes I think God made me different. He made me to be this heartless bitch who doesn't care about anyone but herself.

  He made me into a monster who falls in love with her prince, but the prince leaves her heartbroken, with the pieces scattered at every side of the world.

  That's what this feels like.

  I'm still going to travel with Luke to Charlotte. I'm a fucking idiot. How am I going to resist him? How? He's the love of my goddamn life. He's the whole reason I am who I am today. How can I ignore that person?

  The sun is beaming down on me, its heat engulfing me and keeping my blood warm. The sun used to mean something to me. It meant everything to me. But I grew to learn that it means nothing. It’s just a ball of flames keeping us ali
ve. That’s all. It means nothing.

  Yeah, keep kidding yourself, Ella.

  I haven’t left this house in a week. I just have my fat cat for company, and Daisy when she’s not working. Cassie went home for the holidays.

  I’ve stared out of this panoramic window every day, watching the daily traffic of people. It’s soothing. Every day I see some guy look up at my apartment. He wears jeans and a black hoody to cover his features. He always comes back. I assume it’s the obvious – Luke.

  It worries me, but I’m not scared. I’m scared of myself. I want to cut so badly. I need to cut so badly. It’s always lingering on my brain, to get that release, but I’ve grown up. I’ve moved on.

  I find release in working out. I find it in cooking. I find it in cleaning. It’s crazy how, as a teenager, I destroyed the most delicate part of my body. My biggest organ. I ripped into it, desperate, pleading. The lines are infinite now. They won’t ever leave me. I learned long ago to accept that, to move on from that. They’re part of me.

  I stand and walk to the front door. Somebody knocked. I open it, my arms still aching dully after my workout last night. I struggle to lift my head to see who it is. I really should eat. Green eyes melt into mine and I nearly fall to the floor. He catches me and lifts me in his strong arms. He puts me down on the sofa and I fall asleep. I fall into a deep, peaceful bliss.

  ****

  The smell of bacon invades my senses, disturbing my sleep. I open my eyes to daylight. What? How long have I been asleep? Can’t have been that long if it’s still daylight. I’m on my sofa. Of course I am. I remember Luke coming in, and then I fell asleep. I remember nothing else.

  Warm fingers rest on my shoulder. “Morning,” Luke whispers, and hands me a plate of pancakes and bacon.

  I sit up, startled. “Morning? It was morning when you came.”

  He sits on the sofa next to me. “Yup, you’ve been asleep for sixteen hours. You were out of it as soon as I got here.”

  “Why are you – wait. What’s going on?.” I stand, aggravated and upset by his invasion. He shouldn’t be here. Not right now, not when I’m feeling like this.

  He sighs, but his beautiful smirk shows his top teeth. My body surrenders and shudders a slow, jolted sigh. “You’re always so difficult. Just let me-”

  “Look after me?” I shout. “You lost that right so long ago. Please leave. Go away, leave me alone. I’m FINE!” I scream, and run to my bedroom.

  I unlock my door, close it behind me, and sink to the floor. Why am I acting so weak? No. I’m not weak. I’m strong. I’m the strongest person I know. I stand, walk over to the window, and press my palm up against it. All these lost souls, oblivious to anything. I bash my fist against the window.

  “You’re all so stupid!” I scream at them. “You all have no idea! Life will chase you, find you, and make you fall at its mercy!”

  I walk over to my closet and start ripping clothes from their hangers and throwing them onto the bed. I pull out my suitcase and try filling it with clothes. I shove everything I can in there. I have to leave. I need to go, get away from everything and start again. My door opens and I know I can’t give in. Luke walks over and rests his forehead against my shoulder. He wraps his arms around my waist. I tip my head back and he pulls his body flush against mine. His fingers gently stroke along my arms and I sob into the vision of life in front of me. I was born to love this man. I was born to love everything we are.

  “You… you can’t,” I whisper, and he brings his fingers to my lips.

  “I can.” He turns me around.

  His lips crash in to mine and familiarize themselves. His fingers dance up my back and slide into my hair. I laugh. I laugh under his lips. I try to control my fit of giggles but he catches them with kisses, raining them upon my cheeks then traces his lips up my neck. I stop laughing when he puts his hands on me. His gentleness stuns me and my heart stops. I can’t take a breath. His eyes sink into mine, remembering those three weeks, remembering what it was.

  “I can’t be without you anymore, baby. I just…I can’t do it.”

  I rest my forehead on his and close my eyes. “Me either.” I sigh and he catches my lips again.

  The seriousness of what’s about to happen scares me. I want to be with him, even if it’s just this once. Just this one time to remember who we are, what we stand for. I need to feel that again. I have to feel it. Or what will I become? What will I stand for? I don’t want to fade. Not yet.

  “Are you sure?” Luke whispers as our kisses stop slowly.

  “Are you?” I place my palms on his cheeks.

  “I’ve never been as sure as I am right now. Never.” He pulls me to him and kisses me hard. His tongue starts a dance with mine, desperation working through the lust, through the reality that this shouldn’t be happening. I pull away and tug at his white shirt, bringing it over his shoulders. I look at the man before me. He’s so beautiful it causes an ache in my stomach to explode, and butterflies float and flutter throughout my blood.

  “I forgot how beautiful you are,” I whisper, and he wraps his hands around my hair and pulls his lips back to mine for a much deeper kiss. It’s slow, sensual.

  “Only you and my mom ever called me beautiful,” he whispers, and answers the question that played on my mind for so long.

  “That’s why you wouldn’t accept it from me before, isn’t it? It reminded you of her. I bled old wounds.” I sigh, accepting this new information.

  “You told me my eyes are beautiful. You told me I was beautiful. I never believed it again until I met you. Only Mom would call me that. I was afraid that if I accepted it from you, I’d be betraying her. Is that stupid?”

  “No. It makes perfect sense. It all makes perfect sense. We just have to allow it to.”

  He kisses me again, and I unfasten his belt and pull it from its loops. He kisses me with intensity and pulls my top over my head. His lips leave electricity in their wake, causing my skin to wake up. He pulls me against him, and his hard muscles are the safety net I missed. I missed this - all of this. He undoes my jeans and his fingers glide down my ribs.

  I’m feeling. I’m feeling everything that is happening right now. I’m not desperate to feel him inside me. I want to take my time, remember this moment.

  He lifts me, just slightly, and holds me tight, kissing me softly. He places me on the bed and lays me back as he crawls up my body until his lips once more find mine.

  “You’ve always been the most beautiful person I’ve known.” Luke’s voice is raspy and deep, causing butterflies to escape from their cage.

  I catch his lips and our tongues clash, licking, remembering. It’s different. It’s knowledgeable. We’re five years on from who we once were. He becomes intense, his eyes looking deep into mine. I feel his fingers reaching for my top, and he gently slides it up my body. His kisses follow the trail of skin he uncovers. My breathing is soft as I watch him treat me with such tenderness. He kisses me underneath my ear and I giggle under his lips. I feel his smile against my skin, because he remembers that’s where my weak point is. He sits up and straddles me, and I sit up with him so my top can be pulled over my head. My eyes never leave his; this gaze is locked for us in this intense emotional connection.

  His fiancée is lingering in the back of my mind, shouting at me to stop, but I can’t.

  He puts his hand to my heart. “Shit, Ellie. You’re heart’s beating so fast.” His lips ghost mine. “It’s the most amazing feeling to know I make you feel this way.” I lean up and kiss him, all the while using my legs to push his jeans down. “You’ve matured so beautifully. Your body is fucking amazing.” His finger traces along the swell of my breast. “Take this off. I want to see all of you.”

  I lean up again, reach behind me, and undo my bra. I like him being in control, telling me what to do.

  I can't even begin to explain how I feel. Every time Luke's lips hit my skin, that skin sets on fire. I can feel exactly where his lips are.

  "I wan
t to do this with you, please." He lifts me by my hips so he can pull my lace panties from me. He slowly pulls down the fabric, kissing my legs as he does. He licks up my instep and continues his journey north. His tongue sets my skin alive, reminding me of how much power Luke James has always had over me.

  I buck under him, desperate to feel his tongue on the most sensitive parts of me. He kisses my left inner thigh, teasing me with his lips. "God." I groan, my body set alive with desire. "I need you."

  "Where?" He growls, his breath teasing my hot, sensitive core.

  "On me, right now. Please."

  "You're not being specific, Ella. I could put my tongue on you anywhere. I'd love to lick and wrap it around your cunt, and taste every single drop."

  "Yes."

  "Yes what, Ella?"

  "On my cunt. Kiss my cunt."

  His mouth collides with my core and I rip in two. I haven't had real, raw sex that makes me feel this way since him. My legs begin to ache, my muscles jumping to attention. His tongue licks and tangles around my core causing my orgasm to build to glorified self-destruction. I look down and watch him. I tangle my fingers within his hair and moan with desire as he works me to my pinnacle. My mouth becomes dry as my head falls back against the pillow. My eyes roll back and stars come into view. The heavy feeling in my stomach settles and then explodes as my orgasm overtakes me, taking me spiraling down a long path of pleasure. My toes curl and my muscles shake. I feel Luke puts his large hand on my stomach to settle the trembles.

  “Wow,” he whispers, and he crawls up my body. His eyes stare into mine when I open them. He’s just looking at me. I can see my arousal on his lips and I’d do anything to see what’s going on in his mind right now. He leans down and kisses my lips slowly, gently. I respond, and in this moment, my heart is broken. I’m letting Luke do this. Why am I letting him do this? I turn my head away and look at my white wall.

  His breath is hot and heavy against my ear. “I want this. Just stop the negatives, Ella. Want this with me, please.”