Eye Candy

by Ryan Schneider

  She swiveled on her barstool with equal parts grace and Fireball martini-inspired carelessness. She drank the cowboy in, eyeing him up and down.

  Her curves and wavy brown hair and clothing were clearly female: snug denim shorts cut very short, and a white tank top barely restraining breasts which at first appeared too large for her body, yet somehow seemed to work for her. The woman’s red cyborg eyes came to rest on the sparkling blue eyes of the cowboy. Her red lips curled up into a grin, revealing two fine rows of opalescent teeth, straight and perfect.

  The cowboy tipped his imaginary hat. “Evenin’, ma’am. My name’s Spencer. Would you care to fornicate with me?” Spencer extended the crook of his pointed elbow.

  The woman hopped off her stool with a bounce of her brown hair. “I’d love to, cowboy.” Her voice was sultry, and had subtle electronic notes. She accepted Spencer’s arm and together they moseyed to a nearby corner populated by plush purple booths. The cowboy sat. The woman dropped to her knees and her head disappeared below the top of the booth. The cowboy’s eyes closed. His head relaxed onto the back of the chair.

  The cowboy and his robotic lady friend were not the sole occupants of the private corner. Nearly every chair, loveseat, sofa, and booth was occupied. Occupied by two, and sometimes more, figures in some stage of intercourse. Upon closer inspection, nearly all of the pairings involved a human/robot combination.

  Candy and Danny swiveled around to face the bar.

  Candy waved a beckoning hand toward Chloe.

  “What kind of club is this?” Candy asked.

  Chloe grinned. She swiveled a bar-mounted black caddy until it faced Danny and Candy. It was a small vending machine with a touch screen.

  “I recommend the Purple Passion,” said Chloe. “Unless you’re in love. Then I’d go with Love In Space.”

  “Have you ever tried it?” Candy asked.

  “The Love In Space?” Chloe smiled but her lips remained together. She looked sad. “I should be so lucky. But you two guys are the real thing. I can tell.” She smiled then, broadly. “Here.” Chloe produced a plastic card from her pocket and swiped it through the machine’s reader. She tapped the red-and-gold Love In Space icon twice. Two small pouches were dispensed onto the bar. Candy and Danny each picked up a pouch and examined it.

  The wrapper was black, with red and gold stars patterned across it. Inside the pouch, Danny could feel something small and square.

  “It’s gum,” said Chloe. “Aphrodisiac gum. For lovers. But no contraceptives. If you want that, you need one of the other two. You can try them all, but that one’s the best. Or so I hear.”

  “What about this other one?” Danny asked. The icon was black with green letters. “Bullet to the Head.”

  “It’s for depression,” said Chloe. “My friend Link took four of them all at once, blacked out, and woke up in jail charged with armed robbery, with no memory of how she got there. So stay away from that one. Enjoy.”

  Chloe moved on down the bar, where the male bartender was juggling bottles of liquor.

  Danny swiped his own card through the vending machine and tapped the other two icons.

  Two ampules dispensed onto the bar. Each was a small glass vial full of liquid, one pink, one green.

  Candy read the label on the pink ampule. “Pink Mist. It says it doubles your pleasure, doubles your fun.” She read the tiny fine print. “ ‘Apply directly into eye at least fifteen minutes before sexual activity. Caution: contains powerful birth control substances. May cause blindness, which is usually temporary.’ Usually? That’s frightening. What does yours say?”

  Danny held the green ampule. “It’s called Nuclear Mint. ‘Now with an extra microgram of pleasure enhancers. It’s the bomb.’ ” Danny raised his eyebrows at Candy. “It also says, ‘May cause heart palpitations, cardiac arrhythmia, temporary blindness, or priapism.’ What’s priapism?”

  Candy’s brow furrowed while she tried to recall. “I think it means a prolonged erection. But isn’t blindness of greater importance than a never-ending hard-on?”

  “I would think so.”

  A few stools away, a man and a woman were each breaking open an ampule. The brunette female held a Pink Mist, while the bald-headed male broke open a green Nuclear Mint.

  They each tilted their head back and squirted the ampule’s contents into their eyes.

  They blinked several times at one another.

  The woman began caressing her own breasts, squeezing them through her black midriff blouse. She became lost in the stimulation of her own body, and took no notice of her partner.

  Her clean-shaven friend stared at her with wide eyes. Every few seconds, he blinked. He rubbed his eyes and shook his head a few times. “I can’t see. I can’t see!”

  Within seconds, two large leather vest-clad bouncers appeared. The bouncers gently but firmly lifted the man from his bar stool and carried him away.

  The woman on the bar stool, now quite alone, went on with her self exploration, her ardor growing with each passing moment. A crowd quickly formed around her, until Danny and Candy could no longer see her.

  Chloe appeared, elbows resting on the bar, a toothpick in her mouth. “If you play, you pay.”

  “How often does that happen?” Danny asked.

  Chloe pointed to the brunette, whose eyes were now closed as her body convulsed in gentle, steady contractions. “Her reaction is pretty standard. But his was a serious bummer.”

  “Where did they take him?” Candy asked.

  “Downstairs. To the soundproof room. They’ll strap him down so he can’t hurt himself or anyone else. If it doesn’t wear off in a couple hours, they’ll call the company that manufactures this stuff. The company will send a courier with an antidote. If the antidote doesn’t work, the courier will offer a cash settlement.”

  “Does the antidote work?” Candy asked.

  “Most times.”

  “How much is the settlement if it doesn’t?” Danny asked.

  “That’s strictly confidential,” said Chloe. “But the rumor is it’s about seventy-five grand.”

  Candy was shocked. “That’s not very much.”

  “Which is why I stick with Purple Passion.” Chloe flicked the toothpick from one side of her mouth to the other. “Can’t go blind chewing gum. You guys really aren’t going to dance?”

  Danny and Candy considered the dance floor. The Red Hot Cyborg Players were deep in the music, lost in a grooving melody. Blackie jumped up and down in place, bouncing on his toes, absently clutching the microphone stand with one hand. Whitey stood atop a row of large monitors, bobbing his head and stroking his bass. Kong played his drums effortlessly, keeping perfect time. And VanCat’s four arms and four hands strummed both guitar necks in a smooth rhythm.

  Candy turned back to Chloe. “We don’t really dance.”

  “Do you do the horizontal mambo?”

  Candy and Danny exchanged glances.

  “Not yet,” Candy replied.

  “How long you been together?”

  “This is our sixth date,” said Danny.

  “Keeping track. You’re a smart man,” said Chloe. “It’s your sixth date and you guys haven’t gone all the way?”

  Candy shook her head. Danny grinned.

  “That is so sweet. And so old fashioned.” Chloe pointed at the two packets of Love In Space sitting on the bar. “You guys should grab a shuttle and head down to the Space Port. Take that with you. Chew it on the ride up.”

  Candy and Danny exchanged a knowing glance; the Space Port had been their destination prior to their shuttle mishap.

  “You guys ever been in orbit?”

  Danny shook his head. “We tried a few days ago but we had shuttle trouble.”

  “You should try again. First time in zero G. Wish my first time had been in zero G. Talk about a one-of-a-kind experience. . . .” Chloe smiled and adjusted her wedding ring. She toyed with her toothpick and glanced at the human male bartender, who was juggling abo
ut ten limes. “That’s Colt. We’re both actors. I wish he was as good at being faithful as he is at juggling. Not that I have much room to talk. In this town, this business, this job, there’s a lot of temptation. They call it the City of Angels but I think the angels all hit the road a long time ago. I wish I had.”

  Chloe seemed to suddenly gather herself. “Seriously. The Space Port runs twenty-four seven. It’s only”–she checked her watch–“ten. You guys hustle, you can be in orbit by midnight. Naked.”

  Chloe snapped her fingers, twirled once in place and executed a perfect two-step. She moved down the bar and smacked Colt hard on the ass with one hand.

  Colt lost his concentration and dropped his limes.

  Chapter 23

  A One-Of-A-Kind Experience

  The orbiter blasted off at 11:15 sharp.

  By 11:30, they were in orbit, docking at Bay 12 of the Horizon Space Hotel.

  By 11:45, Candy and Danny were alone in their room.

  By 11:47, they were naked.

  Chapter 24

  No More Substance Than Shadows

  Check-out time was 11:00 a.m.

  Danny and Candy departed their room and floated to the austere white dining room, where they savored a complimentary continental breakfast, enjoyed entirely in zero G.

  They admired the view through the massive windows, and looked down upon the earth. They oohed and ahhed at the swirls of white clouds, the greens and browns of north America, and the impossibly-blue ocean surrounding it.

  Candy and Danny took turns feeding each other forkfuls of scrambled eggs and crispy fried potatoes, laughing each time a bite escaped the tines of the fork and one of them was unable to gobble it out of the air.

  Pouches of hot coffee accompanied warm, freshly-baked cinnamon rolls spread generously with icing. Candy dabbed a bit of the icing onto her finger and held it out so that Danny could suck her finger clean.

  But she dabbed the icing onto the tip of his nose.

  Candy laughed almost uncontrollably. Danny fixed her with a wry grin, waiting for her to wipe off the icing.

  At last, Candy gently removed the icing from Danny’s nose. She sucked on her own finger, savoring the icing while Danny watched.

  They hadn’t actually made love the night before, and Danny felt the ache of a needed release returning after a sound night’s sleep. The bed in their room was mounted vertically to one wall, with the sheets and blankets affixed to form a giant envelope of comfort. Danny and Candy had floated around their cabin, arms and legs entwined, kissing passionately and occasionally admiring the view of the lights of the United States at night.

  But the moment of congress had never seemed to arrive. With heavy eyes, they at last slid down into the bed and cinched the covers to hold them in place while they slept.

  The packets of Love In Space remained unopened, forgotten.

  After breakfast, Candy and Danny boarded the shuttle for the flight back to the Space Port. Re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere was a blazing, sparking light show that in and of itself was worth the price of their fares.

  The ride soon smoothed out, the captain announced that they were lined up for their approach, and all too soon the wheels of the orbiter chirped on the runway.

  ~

  Candy and Danny sat on her sofa two hours later, side by side, holding hands.

  They savored the silence.

  “What a night,” Candy murmured.

  Danny smiled.

  She rolled her head sideways on the sofa cushion. “How come we didn’t . . . you know?”

  Danny shrugged. “I was happy doing what we were doing. I don’t mind waiting.”

  “You don’t?”

  “No. Do you?”

  “No, I don’t mind at all. It’s kind of nice, I think.” Candy yawned and stretched. “How long should we wait?”

  Danny shrugged once more. “Once upon a time, people waited until they were married.”

  “I always thought that was so quaint. But I never really understood if it was actually possible. I always thought that if I loved someone enough to want to marry him, I wouldn’t be able to control myself, and wouldn’t want to wait. I’d want to fuck like minks all the time, all day every day, and all night every night. But I guess that’s the point, huh? You want to do it really, really bad, but you don’t. You wait until you’re married.”

  “How do minks fuck?”

  “What?”

  “Minks. How do they mate? Everyone always uses that expression ‘fuck like minks.’ Do minks fuck a lot? More than, say, rabbits? Or gorillas? Or lions?”

  “Rabbits are known to be rather amorous creatures,” said Candy. “I don’t know about gorillas or lions.”

  “I’ve seen video of gorillas doing it. The big male Silverback gorilla was putting the female into different positions. First, he did her from behind. Then he turned her over and did missionary. Then he sat up and spread her legs. It was almost like watching porn.”

  Candy laughed.

  “And lions mate for, like, three days. They do it something like eighty times,” said Danny. “I think that’s the most in the animal kingdom.”

  “I’m sure Helen and Sparky could give them a run for their money,” said Candy. “It just goes to show you that God created all living creatures with an almost irresistible urge to reproduce.”

  “If there is a God,” said Danny. “I’m hopeful, but, for me, the jury is still out on that one. After all, you and I resisted while we were in orbit last night.”

  Candy smiled. “That’s why I said almost irresistible. You want to make a bet?”

  “What kind of bet?”

  “I’ll bet you a million dollars that I can make you believe in God.”

  “Do you have a million dollars to bet with?”

  “No,” said Candy. “I don’t need it because I’m going to win the bet. You said your airplane is worth a million-five, right? I’ll bet you your airplane that I can make you believe in God.”

  “My Viper Jet? I’m not sure I want to make that bet. Besides, how are we going to prove it one way or another? Mankind has been trying to prove the existence of God for eons. Without success. And I’m talking about real substance, here. It’s like chasing shadows.”

  “I’m not talking about discovering some almighty physical, scientific proof of the existence of God,” said Candy. “I’m talking about making you believe.”

  Candy extended her hand.

  Danny examined it closely. “What? Is there a hundred-dollar bill in there?”

  “Do we have a bet?”

  Danny remained silent.

  “See, the great Doctor Olivaw is at a loss for words once something tangible is on the line . . . like an airplane.”

  “I worked hard for that airplane. It was my lifelong dream to have my very own fighter jet. I worked and I saved and I worked and I saved and then I worked and saved some more, and I finally got it.”

  “By the grace of God.”

  Danny merely raised one eyebrow in doubt.

  Candy’s open hand remained outstretched. “So? Do we have a bet?”

  “I’m not sure I want to wager my airplane.”

  The phone rang.

  Candy answered it, listened, and hung up. “Well, doubting Thomas, I’ve got to go downstairs for a bit.”

  “You have a client?”

  “Clients,” said Candy. “Plural. They’re on their way. I need some coffee. You want some coffee? I’m not sure it’ll help you find the Lord but it might help you wake up a little bit.”

  Danny followed Candy into the kitchen. “But it’s Saturday. It’s supposed to be our day off. I was thinking we could take the Viper Jet for a spin. One last flight before I gamble it away to you. Maybe go out to Catalina for some lunch.”

  Danny felt strange and somehow guilty making such a suggestion. But the truth was that he and Harley had indeed had a nice time at The Blue Bar, and he wanted to repeat the experience. But this time he wanted to share the experi
ence with the woman he truly wanted to be with. He wouldn’t take Candy to The Blue Bar, however. That place would be forever associated with Harley. He and Candy would find a place of their own.

  “Catalina sounds nice,” said Candy. She filled the coffee maker with coffee beans. The machine ground the beans and began applying hot water. “I haven’t been there in years. We could go there for dinner, after my clients leave. We can take the ferry if you don’t feel like flying.”

  “I always feel like flying.”

  “Or if you feel like having some drinks. Maybe we should get a room someplace. Have you ever been to Catalina? Suze told me about this place with an underwater dining room called The Blue Bar.”

  “Uh, yes, I’ve been there once.”

  Candy retrieved two mugs from the cupboard. “You’ve been to Catalina or to The Blue Bar?”

  “Both.”

  “Oh, great. When was that?”

  “It was . . .” Danny tried his best to recall the past several days in reverse, trying to figure out when he and Harley had gone to Catalina. But an impending feeling of guilt, mixed with dread, made it difficult to think. “Tuesday.”

  “Tuesday? That was the day after our shuttle crash. The day Barney killed himself. You and I went flying that night after the cops left my office.”

  Danny didn’t know what to say. The feelings of guilt were growing. The reason he had refused Harley’s physical advances was the same reason he never should have taken her flying. It now seemed a rather obvious mistake. He didn’t know what to say. So he didn’t say anything.

  But Candy stood waiting. Soothing sounds of percolation emanated from the coffee maker.

  “I went with a friend of a friend,” Danny said at last. “It was a date, actually. I think.”

  “Ooh, a hot date to Catalina. I suspected you were quite the ladies’ man, doctor. Who’s the lucky girl?”

  The gears of Danny’s mind whirred so loudly he thought surely even Candy could hear them. He had not been expecting Candy’s mild, non-threatened, and non-judgmental reaction. “Her name’s Harley.”