Eye Candy

by Ryan Schneider

  “Scared of what?”

  “Scared that this isn’t real. That it’s all going to come to a sudden end. That you’ll get tired of me or decide I’m not what you’re looking for. You can have any woman you want. And I just don’t want to get my hopes up.”

  Danny’s heart pounded in his chest. He plunged ahead, before he could over-think what was happening.

  “I have something to get off my chest, too. I am madly in love with you. I have been since you walked into that restaurant. When you joked with Howard about us going to Vegas, I would’ve gone. I’d have married you that day. I’m sorry the shuttle crash kind of put a damper on our second date. Which reminds me, there’s something else I need to confess. I lied about the explosives on the shuttle. I spoke with Howard a couple days ago. He said the mechanic found traces of tri-nitro-tolu-ethylene-something. Explosives. But then a forensics guy from the LAPD went to the garage and checked the shuttle and didn’t find any.”

  “So the guy at the garage said there were explosives, but now the cops say there aren’t?”

  “Yes.”

  “Weird.” Candy thought for a moment and muttered, “There’s something rotten in Denmark.”

  Danny could scarcely believe his ears. “That’s exactly what I said!”

  “When?”

  “To Howard, when he told me. I said ‘There’s something rotten in Denmark.’ ”

  “Really?”

  “Really. Scary, huh?”

  Candy smiled. “A little.”

  “I’m sorry I lied,” said Danny. “I should’ve been honest. I won’t lie to you ever again. I promise.”

  “And I promise I’ll always be honest with you, even if I am terrified.”

  “Deal. But it sounds as if you have nothing to be afraid of. If I’m madly in love with you, and you’re madly in love with me, then all that’s left is for us to live happily ever after.”

  “So should we go to Vegas and make it official?”

  “Do you want to?”

  Candy considered it. “I think I’d rather wait a little while and do it right, with an intimate ceremony and me in a nice dress and you in a tuxedo, and our friends and family there with us. We can feed each other wedding cake. My mom would kill me if she didn’t get to see us feeding each other wedding cake. She thinks that’s the most precious moment of the wedding. Next to the kiss, of course.”

  “Would you smash the cake in my face?”

  “No, never. Would you smash the cake in my face?”

  “No. I’d feed it to you gently, and then later when we were on our honeymoon, I’d eat it off your naked body.”

  Candy pressed her mouth hard to Danny’s lips, and they melted into the chair, lost in the kiss.

  Chapter 25

  When You Know, You Know

  The next few days passed quickly.

  Danny finally returned home so that he might shower and change his clothes and catch up on some business he’d been neglecting since having met Candy.

  Floyd and Howard sat quietly in the living room while Danny regaled them with tales of the adventures he’d shared with Candy: Barney; the midnight flight over the ocean; Café Six-Thirty-Six; the pleasurebots; Robot City and the subsequent trip to the hospital (Floyd and Howard agreed the surgeon had done an excellent job suturing Danny’s knife wound); the antics of Helen and Sparky; Club C/Fe and their trip to orbit; and finally the unprecedented request of Mosheh and Tikva.

  Then, Danny announced that he was planning on asking Candy to marry him.

  Floyd and Howard looked at one another.

  “Why not?” Floyd said at last. “Congratulations, buddy.”

  “What. . .?” Danny asked. “What was that look? You guys don’t think it’s a good idea?”

  “No, no,” said Floyd. “Not at all. It’s a great idea. Clearly you two are totally in love and want to be together. You’ve only known each other two weeks, but so what? I’ve never seen you this happy. Howard’s never seen you this happy. Right, Howard?”

  “Quite right, sir.” Howard turned to Danny. “If Miss Candy is the one you want, let no one stand in your way. I wish you many centuries of joy and happiness.”

  Howard came forward and extended his hand. Danny accepted it. Howard shook Danny’s hand with several awkward but enthusiastic up-and-down thrusts.

  “This calls for a toast!” said Floyd. He went to the refrigerator and withdrew a bottle of champagne, twisted off the gold wrapper, unwound the wire cage, gave the bottle a succinct shake, and popped the cork.

  Howard removed three glasses from a cupboard and Floyd poured.

  Danny, Floyd, and Howard raised their glasses.

  “To Danny and Candy,” said Floyd, “may your love be lusty, may your lust be lovely, and may your lives be long, fruitful, and joyous. To Danny and Candy. Cheers!”

  “Cheers!” Danny and Howard repeated.

  They clinked their glasses together and Danny and Floyd drank.

  Howard set his glass of champagne on the counter. Myriad tiny bubbles rose to the surface.

  “You okay, buddy?” Floyd asked.

  “Never before have I so longed for the ability to consume food and beverage,” said Howard. “I have read about the origins of champagne, as well as the process of its creation and many descriptions of its taste, its aroma, the manner in which it bubbles in the mouth and nose. Yet I can never truly experience it for myself.”

  “Don’t worry, buddy,” said Floyd, “we’ll get you upgraded with a digestive system, and an olfactory system, too, so you can eat and drink.”

  “Once the technology has been proven, I should like that very much,” said Howard.

  “So, Danny,” Floyd asked, “how do you intend to propose to Candy?”

  Danny did not yet know.

  ~

  Over the next several days, Danny visited four separate jewelers around town, until he found himself once more in Robot City, inside the jewelry store holding what he knew to be the perfect ring for Candy. He returned home and showed it to Floyd and Howard that night as they once more sat in the living room. Floyd noted the precise nature of the stone’s cut; Howard commented on its amazing clarity.

  ~

  Monday afternoon, Candy and Danny met for lunch at a Mexican restaurant not far from Candy’s office. Though they spent as much time kissing as they did enjoying the fajitas and deep-fried ice cream.

  Danny’s phone rang, and he saw that it was Rory, probably calling to see if he was coming to Positronic to watch Monday-night football. Danny silenced the phone and returned his attention to Candy and their lunch.

  And then Wednesday arrived and Danny set off toward Candy’s, en route to Tim’s beach house for the annual Fourth of July celebration.

  Danny carried Candy’s overnight bag down the stairs to his car, admiring Candy’s legs as she descended the stairs. She wore a short white skirt and a white blouse, and white sandals that complemented her pretty feet.

  Danny drove west toward the ocean, alternately admiring Candy’s long legs and feeling for the ring box in his pocket, confirming it was still there.

  ~

  Danny and Candy drove up the winding driveway to Tim and Maggie’s stately beachfront home. The morning haze had burned off and the weather forecast called for clear skies and a high of 83 degrees, and 85 for the rest of the week. It would be a fine Independence Day.

  Danny considered for the hundredth time how, when, and where he was going to propose to Candy. He was certain she would say yes, but he wanted the moment to be perfect.

  Should he do it while they were alone?

  Perhaps while they were in bed? Naked?

  Or should he do it in front of everyone, perhaps during dinner, when he could get down on one knee and propose in the traditional manner, with their friends looking on?

  Danny parked beside an impressive black and chrome motorcycle. Tim emerged from the front door of the house with two enormous tigers following at his heels.

  Cand
y saw them and opened her arms. Both cats went to her, stood on their back legs, and draped their forelegs over Candy’s shoulders.

  Candy squealed with laughter as the cats rubbed their heads against her.

  “Who do we have here?” she called out.

  “These are my babies,” said Tim. “But don’t tell my kids I said that. The white one is Hertz, the black one is Volta. Top of the line. Hand made in Italy.”

  “Hand made?” Danny asked.

  “They’re robo-pets,” said Tim. “See their eyes?” Both cats had vibrant purple eyes. “The eyes are blue but the digitronics are red. When you mix red and blue you get purple. I saw them in Milan a few years ago and had to have them.”

  “They’re beautiful,” said Danny.

  “And sweet,” said Candy.

  “And they don’t eat,” said Tim, “so I don’t have to spend thousands of dollars per month on food. And since they don’t eat, I don’t have to clean up after them. They don’t shed, they won’t claw the furniture, they don’t get fleas, and they won’t ever die. Oh and they won’t bite your face off. They’re better than real cats.”

  Danny patted his leg. “Volta, come.” The big black cat dropped gently from Candy’s shoulders and came and sat in front of Danny. “Shake.” Volta lifted one massive paw and Danny shook it. “How fast can they run?”

  “I took them out to the Hollywood Race Track about a year ago and ran them against the Giant Greyhounds and they were almost as fast. The greyhounds can do a hundred miles per hour on average. So, they’re plenty fast. When we get out to the sand later I’ll show you how they love to play tackle football. Here, let me help you with your bags.”

  “So, Tim,” said Candy from underneath Hertz’s furry white neck, “been breaking into anymore homes lately?”

  “No, just yours,” said Tim. “But that was Rory’s idea, remember?”

  Candy rubbed Hertz on his neck, and the giant robotic cat began to purr. “Oh, well I guess it’s okay then.”

  Tim pointed to the road. “Speak of the devil.”

  A green Lamborghini electric roadster rolled silently down the driveway and parked behind Danny’s car. The long doors scissored open and Rory climbed out of the driver’s seat while Harley exited the passenger side. Harley did her best to keep her knees together and her short black skirt from riding up as she slid out of the low, exotic car.

  Hertz and Volta both loped over to Harley.

  “Hi, guys!” Harley exclaimed. She knelt and both cats nudged against her, knocking Harley onto her back and playfully smothering her. Harley laughed out loud.

  “This’ll be an interesting holiday,” muttered Tim.

  Danny exchanged a glance with Candy.

  Rory helped Harley extricate herself from the pile of purring feline robots and they joined Candy, Danny, and Tim. Rory introduced Harley and Candy.

  Candy and Harley shook hands.

  “I’ve heard so much about you,” said Candy.

  “Likewise,” said Harley.

  The distant crashing of the surf filled the silence as everyone stood staring at one another. Volta grunted.

  “Is that the new bike?” Rory asked.

  “That’s it,” said Tim.

  “Whose bike?” Danny asked.

  Tim patted the seat. “Mine.”

  “It looks like a cat,” said Rory. “Like, if you turned Volta into a motorcycle, that’s what he would look like.”

  “That was why I chose it,” said Tim. “Best fifty grand I ever spent. Don’t tell Maggs I told you guys this, but since I bought the bike, we’ve had more sex in the last week than we’ve had in the last three years. Harley, you and Mr. C. were absolutely right. This bike has done more to help my marriage than a year’s worth of those stupid classes. I wish I’d bought one ages ago.”

  “Motorcycles are fun and sexy,” said Harley. “Riding makes you feel sexy, makes you feel alive. Just don’t get yourself killed.”

  “Not planning on it.”

  “No one ever does.”

  “Well, on that note, shall we go inside?” Tim asked. “Maggs has quite a feast prepared for dinner. And the kids are dying to see you guys. They want to play some football on the beach until the tide comes in around sunset, when they want to go surfing. We have a few extra boards for anyone who wants to try it.”

  Tim led everyone into the house. He gave Candy and Danny a tour of the large, elegant home. Hertz and Volta followed close behind, with tails in the air, seizing every possible opportunity to rub themselves against Candy.

  Tim showed Candy and Danny to their room, where they promptly changed into their bathing suits.

  Everyone gathered on the beach and Tim and Maggie introduced their five children; two boys: Isaac and Nik; and three girls: Gali, Copper, and the youngest, Turing. The kids were all two years apart and ranged in age from nineteen down to eleven. Everyone played an impromptu game of football in the sand, running and falling down and laughing each time Hertz and Volta ran alongside and executed a perfect yet surprisingly gentle tackle.

  When everyone was exhausted and hungry, they marched up to the house and prepared for dinner. Tim manned the barbecue, grilling chicken breasts and steaks, while Candy, Harley, and Rory lounged on the deck, enjoying the sun. Each attempted to assist Maggie with the dinner preparation, but Maggie insisted they simply relax.

  Eleven-year-old Turing swam in the pool, taking turns riding on the backs of Hertz and Volta as they paddled through the water.

  Danny joined Tim at the grill, admiring Tim’s grilling dexterity as he flipped the chicken and steaks.

  Danny twisted the top off of a cold beer and took a long drink. “Can you keep a secret?”

  “Only if I’m allowed to tell Maggie.”

  “That’s fine. I’m going to ask Candy to marry me.”

  The tongs in Tim’s hand slipped and he dropped a steak on the ground. “Shit.”

  “I’ll eat that one.”

  “Are you sure?” Tim picked up the steak and set it on a nearby plate. “You’ve only known each other two weeks.”

  “So. My mom and dad only knew each other a week when they decided to get married after their second date. They eloped, and have been married forty years. Nothing in my life has ever felt as good as this. I now know what it means to be in love. You know how people say, ‘When you know, you know.’?”

  Tim drank from his beer and flipped a steak. “Yeah.”

  “I finally understand what that means. I can’t imagine not having her in my life. She’s the first person I think about in the morning, and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. I want to be with her, all the time. I simply want to be with her. And we haven’t even had sex yet.”

  The tongs slipped and Tim dropped a chicken breast on the ground. “Shit.”

  “I guess I’ll eat that one, too.”

  Tim placed the chicken breast on the plate next to the dirty steak.

  “You’re going to marry a woman you haven’t slept with yet?”

  “We’ve slept together. I’ve stayed the night at her place almost every night for the past week. We slept in orbit, too. I never slept so well in my entire life. And in the morning, I opened my eyes and saw her smiling back at me. I was literally grinning like an idiot because I was so happy she was there.”

  “But you haven’t had sex yet?”

  “No. Actually, I thought it would be kind of quaint to wait to have sex until after we were married. Like in the old days.”

  “How do you know if you’re compatible . . . sexually?”

  “We’re compatible in every other way. If sex with her is anything like holding her hand or kissing her, or staring into her eyes, I’m quite certain it’s going to be an entirely new experience. Sometimes, when we’re holding hands, it’s almost like I can actually feel current passing between us. It’s like I can actually feel her energy.” Danny adjusted his shorts. “I’m getting an erection. I’ve never felt anything like this before. I know it
’s fast, but I’m crazy about her. I’m going to ask her to marry me and she’s going to say yes. Do me a favor and don’t tell anyone that I’m going to propose. Especially Rory. I think Rory may have a crush on Candy.”

  “Rory would want to know.”

  “He will know. After I ask her. Promise you won’t tell him.”

  Tim upended his beer and drank while he surveyed Rory sitting with Harley and Candy near the Jacuzzi. Harley had her bare feet propped up on Rory’s thigh.

  “Fuck. Fine. I won’t say anything.”

  “Thanks.”

  “When are you going to propose?”

  “Tomorrow night, during the fireworks. I’m going to get down on my knee and do it, right on the beach in front of everyone. The old-fashioned way.”

  Tim had to admit that he was touched by Danny’s sentiment. Though an engagement was sudden, Danny seemed sure of himself. “You think she’ll say yes?”

  “She’ll definitely say yes.” Danny smiled.

  ~

  After dinner, everyone gathered on the beach for surfing lessons.

  Danny was on his fourth beer and decided to relax on the beach with Rory, Harley, Tim, and Maggie.

  Candy, however, borrowed Gali’s extra wetsuit and surfboard. All eyes were on Candy when she emerged wearing the skin-tight black neoprene wetsuit. Harley went so far as to say that it was a perfect fit.

  Gali and Copper spent twenty minutes on the beach with Candy, showing her the basics, demonstrating and critiquing her technique as she practiced popping up onto her feet. They rubbed Candy’s board with a bit of extra wax and the three joined the boys in the waves.

  Candy paddled out with Gali, Copper, and Turing flanking her. Hertz and Volta romped in the water, leaping in the shallow foam.