Cake at Midnight

by Jessie L. Star

  ‘True.’ Vanessa leant against the counter, apparently at ease even in the midst of our obvious tension. ‘So you can stop looking so betrayed. Gio’s in the clear on this one.’

  I wished she would stop standing up for me. Her endorsement wasn’t exactly worth much in the current company and, the more she was so ice cold and calm, the more I loathed her for what she’d done to Theo.

  ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,’ I repeated.

  There was a pause and I realised I was waiting for Theo to say that it was okay, to absolve and comfort me as he had so many times before. This time, however, he stayed silent.

  ‘And where’s my apology?’ Vanessa asked after the awkwardness had clearly dragged on too long for even her to enjoy. ‘I’m the one you actually lied to. You told me that nothing was going on with you two and yet . . .’

  Her gaze trailed meaningfully across Theo’s bare chest and, although I had no right, I felt a proprietorial urge to tell her to put her eyes back in her head.

  ‘Nothing was going on with me and Theo when you asked,’ I said through gritted teeth, before realising that she wasn’t the one I owed an explanation to. It was Theo that I so urgently wanted to get through to, but he wouldn’t even look at me. My body suddenly felt like it weighed a tonne, but, in the face of Theo’s silent condemnation, I forced myself to my feet. ‘I should go.’

  Vanessa crossed her arms, looking between me and her erstwhile fiancé with narrowed eyes. ‘Don’t leave on my account,’ she said tartly. ‘I doubt there’s anything I have to say that you don’t already know.’

  And, after being as still as Lena’s sculpture of him the entire time Vanessa had been in the flat, Theo suddenly made a strange, jerky movement forward, as if to stop her from saying any more. Vanessa and I stared at him, and then her perfectly groomed eyebrows rose and in an arch tone she said, ‘Or maybe not.’

  ‘Vanessa,’ Theo growled and something went unpleasantly cold in my stomach as I realised that, grim as he undoubtedly sounded, there was also something of a plea in his voice.

  ‘Oh my god, she doesn’t know you’ve taken up Anderson’s offer, does she?’ Vanessa’s expression tightened into reproach. ‘Christ’s sake, Theodore! What were you planning to do? Head out the door one day and just casually mention over your shoulder that you weren’t coming back?’

  If I’d thought I’d had a lot to deal with a few minutes ago, it was nothing compared to everything Vanessa had brought in with her. What did she mean?

  Theo was clearly just as unsettled, something I could tell, perversely, because of how calm he looked. I’d come to know his real composure from his projected one, however, and this was definitely the latter.

  ‘This isn’t your business.’

  Vanessa let out a tinkling laugh. ‘You’re leaving Allsopp, Hudson and Clarke and I’m an Allsopp, this is literally my business. Plus, I like Gio and I don’t think it’s fair that she’s the last one to find out that you’re–’

  ‘Stop.’

  ‘No.’ Ignoring the venom in his voice, she turned to me, resolution in every line of her graceful body. ‘You should know. He’s taken a job in Singapore.’

  For a moment I just stared at her, completely thrown. Singapore? It was as if I’d never heard the word before, as if it wasn’t a real place so there was no way Theo could go there. But sense gradually trickled in and my brain grasped the word, squeezing out my limited knowledge to match it. Singapore. The island? The city? The country? I couldn’t land on the definition. It made me feel stupid to realise it, but I didn’t know much about Singapore, possibly because – and this I realised was crucial – it was so far away.

  My heartbeat suddenly went into overdrive, roaring in my ears.

  Somewhat irrationally, it was looking at Vanessa, who was so beautiful and had been so welcoming that first night I’d met her, but had done such an awful thing to Theo, that centred me. While her expression wasn’t spiteful, exactly, it was definitely expectant, and I point-blank refused to give her the emotional response she so clearly anticipated.

  ‘Well, that’s . . . good,’ I managed. There was a beat of silence in which I stared at the floor, not wanting to look at either of them even though I knew they were both staring at me.

  ‘Really?’ Vanessa asked incredulously. ‘Because you don’t look like you think it’s good. You look like your heart’s just been shattered into a million pieces.’

  ‘That’s enough,’ Theo interjected firmly. ‘You need to leave.’

  ‘But, “good”?’ she persisted. ‘You don’t want further explanation of that? You forget, I’ve been Gio and, while not every moment was exactly sunshine and roses, I would’ve done more than raise an eyebrow had you announced you were leaving the country when I was with you.’

  I hated hearing her reference being with him and, if only to stop her, I forced myself to say, ‘It’s Theo’s life. If he wants to go to Singapore–’

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake! You sound brain-washed. Anyway–’ she turned brusquely to Theo, ‘–I came here to tell you that you can’t leave. Your contract–’

  ‘Allows for a payout termination by either party,’ he said. ‘I have the money and I doubt the board will contest it.’

  She narrowed her eyes at him. ‘You can’t have been offered a better deal than you have at AHC.’

  Although I still felt as fragile as glass run through with a hairline crack, I chanced a glance up at this point and saw that Theo was regarding his one-time fiancé sardonically.

  ‘Depends what you mean by “a better deal”. What I’ve been offered is a chance to work my way up in a firm on my own terms and without seeing your name on every document, every email, every piece of my work. To me, that holds significant value.’

  I was sure he wasn’t trying to be cruel, but his reference to ‘value’ still made me flinch. Because I had surely been part of this value assessment and had obviously come out lacking.

  Perhaps Vanessa felt just as dismissed, because the crisp collar of her white shirt rose as she took a deep, controlled breath. ‘Phrase it how you like,’ she said, ‘but, ultimately, this is just your reaction to everything. No discussion, no negotiation, you just run.’

  He gave a small shrug. ‘I’m extricating myself from an untenable situation.’

  I recognised his words as belonging to High-Rise Theo, the one I’d met on the balcony, the one who had been so restrained I’d barely understood him.

  While that persona was clearly the one he wanted to use to get him through this conversation, it flitted away in the next second and he was the Theo who’d gently cupped my face and called me sweetheart as he added, his gaze still firmly turned from me, ‘Nobody needs me here.’

  ‘I do!’ The words were mine, but the voice wasn’t. It was Vanessa who’d been able to speak where I couldn’t and who’d moved forward to put herself face to face with him. ‘I was the one who stuck my neck out for you. It took me weeks of meetings to approve your incentives package and for you to just leave, after all the work I put in–’

  ‘You can’t be serious!’ The words tumbled unchecked out of my mouth, the numbness that had suffused me ever since she’d uttered the word ‘Singapore’ evaporating at the pure cheek of her. ‘Theo doesn’t owe you anything after what you did.’

  They turned to me, their handsome faces similar in their surprise, although Vanessa’s expression turned quickly flinty. No, not like flint, like marble: beautiful but cold.

  ‘After what I did?’ she repeated. ‘I offered him a position, an incredibly generous one, when no one else would have him.’

  ‘Thanks to you!’ I howled, clenching my trembling fists to my sides and feeling the tell-tale swelling in my cheeks that told me I was about to angry-cry. ‘I know what you did! You could’ve stopped that guy from releasing the emails, you could’ve told his boss or done something. But you let Theo be humiliated.’

  ‘Giovanna.’ Theo stepped forward and placed a light hand on my arm, but
I shook him off.

  ‘No!’ Having found an outlet for my cyclone of emotions, I was in no mood to be calmed. ‘I know you don’t want to be angry, but she doesn’t get it and she should.’ I wasn’t a confrontational person, but this wasn’t about being confrontational, it was a righteous crusade and I easily found the courage to get up into Vanessa’s face and say firmly, ‘People aren’t just here for your amusement. People have opinions and feelings and a right to muddle their way through life without you pulling the strings. You knew what being accused of nepotism would be like for Theo. You knew, but you made a decision to put what you wanted, to win a game, before someone else, someone you cared about, and – honestly? – that should keep you up at night, because that’s fucked!’

  There was enough Jarli in me to make her draw inward for a moment, as if I’d landed a blow. She regained her composure within the next second, however, and said bluntly, ‘I did my job. And don’t look at me like that, I’m not the one whose boyfriend is about to leave the country with, apparently, no plans to tell me about it.’

  ‘Get out.’ Theo wrenched the door open and gestured into the corridor. As she opened her mouth to protest, he repeated, ‘Out!’

  I jumped and even Vanessa looked discomfited.

  ‘We’ll discuss this further tomorrow,’ she muttered, drawing herself up and sweeping out.

  ‘No, we won’t.’ He slammed the door after her, the reverberations of the impact seeming to echo a long time after they should have faded away.

  There’d been lots of silences between us over the past month, but nothing as absolute as what followed after Vanessa’s departure. I felt like I could reach out and touch it, like it was a clear, viscous substance that made everything slower and heavier.

  The anger that’d flared when Vanessa had dared to suggest her part in the email saga had been for Theo’s benefit had burnt out as quickly as it’d ignited and I felt incredibly tired. Tired and heartsick. Vanessa’s words from all those weeks ago came back to me then: McKillop is the sort of person who tries so hard not to let you down that he does without realising it.

  ‘So.’ I licked my lips, trying to get some moisture into them as I forced out the question that needed asking. ‘Singapore?’

  He nodded. ‘Yes.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘I leave on the fourteenth.’

  Just over two weeks away.

  ‘Oh.’ It was as if I was tissue paper and he’d scrunched me into a tight ball. ‘Were you . . . I mean, I know we had a no-expectations thing going on, but were you going to tell me?’

  ‘Of course I was.’ He made a hopeless sort of gesture with his hands. ‘It was today, I promise you, it was only today that I signed the contract.’

  The day after being faced with the baggage that I brought with me in the form of my closest friends. The timing felt significant.

  ‘It’s something I’ve been thinking about practically since I left Jessop & King,’ he continued, as if reading my thoughts. ‘I’ve been in discussions about joining a multinational consultancy with a headhunter called Harry Anderson for a while now. It’s something new, a challenge.’

  ‘And . . .’ I could feel the tears drawing up from that never-ending well inside me and struggled to speak past the lump they made in my throat. ‘And will it make you happy? Will it be what you want?’ It sounded simplistic, but it was all I could muster, and, actually, what mattered the most.

  His expression was excruciatingly tender as he said, ‘I think it will, yes.’

  And the first tear was out, sliding a trail down my cheek and dripping off my jaw. He took a step towards me, but I lurched back, holding my hands up to ward him off.

  ‘Please don’t,’ I choked. ‘If you touch me it’s going to make it harder for me to be happy for you and I’m trying really hard to be happy for you.’

  ‘Hey.’ He took another step forward and I stumbled round the back of the couch, clutching the leather in a death grip as I found something secure to hold onto.

  ‘I’m sorry I said I loved you, that wasn’t fair and it was in the moment and maybe not true, but–’ Stop talking, the rational part of my brain commanded. Stop talking and leave immediately. Still, it was a bit late in the piece for rationality to turn up and start making demands so, as usual, candidness won out.

  ‘I know we said there would be no expectations and that whatever we were was modern and . . . breezy, but I stuffed up. I care about you. A lot. You’re the kindest, steadiest, sexiest person I’ve ever met. And I know that that doesn’t change anything and if going to Singapore is what you need, then . . . great, but you should know . . . god, Theo, I think you’re one of the best people the world has to offer.’

  His face seemed to sink in on itself with regret and guilt and I wanted so badly to throw myself into his arms as I had only an hour or so earlier and let him rock me and shush me until it all seemed better. I hadn’t meant to hurt him, but I felt like all I was made up of in that moment was hurt, so it seemed inevitable that some of it would spill out of me and onto him.

  ‘This is it, isn’t it?’ I asked in a small voice. ‘This is where we go back to our respective sides of the corridor.’

  ‘No!’ It was an automatic protest, one he didn’t really mean because he was too intelligent to think we could continue as we were in the couple of weeks until he left. His decision to leave may have been the right one for him, but it’d neatly severed the two of us into separate entities.

  ‘I hope it works,’ I said formally. ‘I hope Singapore lets you be who you want to be in peace.’

  ‘Giovanna, don’t–’

  But I’d pulled Aggie’s belief in respect and grace around me like a shield, and was intent on saying all the right things. ‘Thank you for–’

  ‘Jesus, don’t thank me.’ Theo bent to snatch up his shirt, shoving his arms roughly through the sleeves as if suddenly embarrassed by his bare chest.

  ‘Thank you for looking out for me,’ I continued doggedly. ‘You’ve been the best of neighbours.’ I’d been aiming for light-hearted, but, as my heart was roughly the weight of a mid-sized frigate, it wasn’t that surprising when I missed.

  ‘We weren’t just neighbours,’ he said flatly and I almost laughed at the understatement. Almost. I wasn’t really in the laughing mood.

  ‘No. I know.’

  And then there wasn’t anything left to say.

  I went the long way around the edge of the couch towards the door, the way that put me at the greatest distance from Theo. I couldn’t have said whether it was him or me who was more likely to reach for the other if given the chance, but I was determined that neither of us should have the opportunity.

  I touched his counter lightly as I passed, trying to draw from it some memories of the times we’d spent cooking and laughing and flirting at it, but it was much too early in the grief process for the ‘reminiscing on happier times’ stage and the surface just felt cold beneath my fingers.

  I snuck one last look back at Theo before I left, the thought occurring to me that this was the image I was going to take away of him: of his usually so pristine suit in disarray and his whole body screaming with tension. It was a cruel and unbefitting legacy of our time together.

  Even as I told myself that he shouldn’t for both our sakes, I still cradled the tiniest flicker of hope against my chest that Theo would call me back; that he’d pull me to him and tell me it was all a big misunderstanding, that he’d changed his mind.

  But he didn’t, and so I left.

  Before he left me.

  *

  ‘The removalists are coming Monday and I’ll drop by to check everything and close up with the agent on Tuesday. Anything else? Bossman? Oi!’

  Theo started and looked round as Ari kicked the base of his chair, realising he’d zoned his soon-to-be-former assistant out as he’d run through the final details of the move.

  Ari’s amused expression faded as he saw Theo’s face and his voice was gentler as he said, �
��No prizes for guessing where your mind is. Still no sightings of Gio, then?’

  ‘You know there haven’t been.’ Theo instantly regretted his curtness, but Ari was typically unfazed. He did know, after all, that Theo hadn’t seen Giovanna since she’d slipped out his flat and life in one movement. Theo might not have specifically mentioned it, but his bad mood over the past couple of weeks couldn’t have been hard to read.

  Considering how powerful a presence she’d been in his life, Theo really shouldn’t have been surprised that Giovanna was just as powerful in her absence, but he still hadn’t anticipated the gaping hole she’d left.

  He’d tried knocking on her door a couple of times, hating the way they’d left things, but she was never in and, as the days passed with no sign of her, he suspected she’d moved out. That told him everything he needed to know about how unpopular he would be if he tried turning up at Pickle, Peach and Plum to talk to her. Instead, like an idiot, he looked for her everywhere else, his subconscious seeking her out in every waft of sweet perfume or cheery laugh.

  It was just that it’d been so abrupt, he told himself. He’d barely had time to appreciate that he was actually leaving; he hadn’t even begun to think about how he was going to bring it up with Giovanna. It felt brutal having the control of that conversation torn from him, although not anywhere near as brutal as the way Giovanna had looked at him after Vanessa had shared the fruits of her digging.

  Still, he was trying to remain upbeat about his new role and look forward to learning a new way of working in a new country, without carrying the twin yoke of being a Leventis and a McKillop. And, yet, where his mind should’ve been busy organising the move and contemplating life as an expat, his thoughts still turned more often than not to what – or rather whom – he was leaving behind.

  Christ, Giovanna had said she loved him! And then taken it back by telling him she wasn’t sure she’d meant it. And he honestly couldn’t decide which was worse.