Scarred by Love

by C. A. Harms

  “Riley, please I’m sorry. I fucked up.”

  I laughed with arrogance, “Yeah, seems to be a reoccurring habit lately.”

  He started to say something and I cut him off. It was my turn to say what I needed to. “Listen Zander I’m sorry for what happened with Parker last night but Beth had no right to get in my face and say the things she did. You automatically took her side without even thinking that I may not have been to blame. You think I’m this malicious person and I’m not. Beth is your best friend and I get that but I’m your girlfriend. I’m the girl you claim to be in love with but somehow I always get the raw end of the deal.”

  I fought the tears that threatened to fall. “I think I just need to be by myself for a while and obviously you have some things to work out with her…so I’m giving you that time. Good bye Zander.”

  I could hear him trying to get my attention but instead of listening I just hit end. I turned my ringer off and stuffed my phone into my purse. I took a deep breath and went inside to see my mother and Kelly who were waiting to start the day.

  We had shopped pretty much the entire afternoon and into the early evening. We stopped at a little Italian Restaurant in the shopping center and grabbed an early dinner. It was nice to have that break from the drama in my life. It was great therapy to shop my worries away.

  My mother had spoiled both Kelly and I. She went a little overboard but we both knew better than to argue. She insisted on buying things for us because she could…that was her words.

  I had picked out a few things for Mariah who was at Kelly parent’s house for the day. I wanted her to come home to something new from Aunt Riley. So the huge teddy bear and the Red girly dress would be waiting for her tonight when she came home.

  “She’ll love them Riley…really.”

  I just smiled as Kelly put the items into her back seat just before climbing into her Range Rover to leave. I got into my vehicle and we both waved to my mother as we backed out of the driveway.

  I was dreading going home because I figured Zander would be there waiting. When I pulled in and his bike was nowhere I felt relieved. I needed some time to think. I didn’t want to be the girl that drove a wedge between him and his best friend. I felt bad at times about the awkwardness he had to deal with when it came to Beth and me. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. It had become too much a part of our relationship and it drove me insane.

  When I entered the apartment it was silent but there was a small piece of paper just inside the door. I knelt down to pick it up and noticed Zander’s handwriting on the front.

  Walking to the kitchen I dropped my things onto the counter and flopped down into the stool. I slowly unfolded the paper and began to read his words.

  Riley,

  I’ve left you a message saying basically the same thing as this letter. I hope that you get one of them and actually take the time to hear what I have to say.

  I know I’ve screwed up more than once with you. I know that at times I should have listened to you instead of assuming the worst. I also know that I keep apologizing but then I just screw up again, so I won’t apologize for last night.

  I will tell you that I love you and you mean the world to me. Things with Beth are weird right now. I’m not gonna to get into it in a letter but maybe you’ll talk to me soon and I can explain. I hope that you talk to me soon.

  I’m gonna take off for a little bit and go visit my grandparents in Florida. I’m not sure if I’ll stay the whole break but maybe when I come home you’ll be ready to talk.

  I’ve never met anybody that makes me feel the things you do. You know I still get butterflies when you walk towards me. Crazy huh…but I do.

  I’m gonna give you some time to hate me. But I hope that doesn’t last…because I really need you to love me Riley.

  Love you Baby

  I stared at the letter in my hands as a tear escaped and dripped onto the paper. He left, and now I felt the emptiness set in.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  ~One Week & Six Days Later~

  ~Riley~

  “This new fashion statement you’re making, it’s hot Ry. It’s really making me consider investing in some sweat suits.” Kate flopped down on the couch next to me. “When was the last time you wore jeans…or maybe a skirt?”

  “Shut up Kate.”

  “No sorry…I’m not gonna do that.” She yanked the blanket away from me and backed away when I reached for it.

  “What do I have to do to force your stubborn ass to get up and take a shower, because I’m gonna be honest you look like a fuckin’ skank. You’re gonna get dressed and we’re gonna get the hell out of this apartment.”

  “I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m fine.”

  “No, you’re not fine…actually you are the opposite of fine. Have you called him? Have you made any attempt to talk to him?”

  “No.”

  She groaned in frustration, “Why not? Why are you torturing yourself? You miss him but you’re not doing anything about it.” She yanked on my arm and I stood from the couch. “What’s the point of avoiding him if it just makes you miserable?” I let my head fall onto her shoulder and I cried for the next few minutes.

  “Go get in the shower Ry and we’ll go downtown, get a Starbucks and take a walk. You need to decide what you want.”

  I took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes. “What if I want him…but what if it’s too late?”

  She smiled at me and brushed my hair away from my face. “Riley that boy loves you. I think he’s waiting on you. He’s only doing what you asked of him…he’s giving you time.”

  I looked up at her and had a feeling she was hiding something from me. “Have you talked to him?”

  She wrinkled her nose and turned toward the kitchen ignoring my question. “Kate, do you know something? Tell me.”

  She quickly took a drink of her tea and turned her back to me. “Damn it Kate, what’s going on?”

  Kate lowered her glass to the countertop and looked up. Her eyes met mine and I knew instantly that she had been hiding something. “Spill it Katelyn Rose…now.”

  “Geesh…okay, Zander has been in town for four days now.” My stomach hurt suddenly. He hadn’t tried to see me or talk to me. I stared at her as she continued. “He’s been staying at Carson’s.”

  “WHAT?” Why?”

  Kate walked to the breakfast bar and took a seat. I followed her and sat next to her. “Apparently the night of the festival Beth and him got into it or something. He refuses to stay there. He won’t talk about it though.”

  “I need to see him.”

  Kate never tried to stop me in fact she rode along with me. I pulled into the driveway of Carson’s house and quickly walked toward the house. Before I even reached the porch Carson was coming out.

  “Ry what are you doing here?”

  “Cut the shit Carson, Mrs. Blabber Mouth over here already told me he was staying here. I wanna talk to him.”

  Carson ran his hand through his hair. “He’s not here right now.”

  “Where is he then?” He stared at me without answering. “Damn it Carson…tell me where he is.”

  “Riley he doesn’t need to hear again how badly he screwed up. The guy has been beating himself up for days over it all. Just let him be.”

  “No.”

  I looked at the ground and took a deep breath before looking back at Carson. “I miss him Carson. I miss Zander more than I’ve ever missed anything in my life. I don’t want to wait any longer. I need to see him. I never should have walked away…please. I need to see him.”

  Carson shook his head and turned his back to me. After a moment he pulled out his phone and dialed it. I waited and listened quietly. My hands were shaking and my heart was racing. I felt nauseous and I tried to calm myself.

  “Hey Z, where the hell are you man?” He paused, “Have you been drinking?” Another pause and my heart raced faster. Zander drinking and out on his bike. Forget racing, my heart ached in my chest
and my throat burned.

  “Well stay there alright…you don’t need to be on that bike. You hear me?” Carson turned to face me. “You got a ride man…don’t leave?” I nodded my head in agreement and waited for Carson to end the call.

  “He’s as Gibson’s.”

  I didn’t wait for anything further; I turned and ran toward my car. I backed out and quickly made my way to the bar where I first heard him sing. I quickly drove to the place where we shared our first kiss, and where I felt my heart race from the touch.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  ~Zander~

  “Can I get another one of these?” I held up the shot glass shaking it from side to side. The little blonde behind the bar made her way back toward me.

  “Hey handsome you aren’t planning on driving in your condition are you?”

  I looked up to see her smiling seductively. She was leaning over on the bar top and I had a clear view of her tits. If I cared to look I wouldn’t miss much. She definitely wasn’t trying to hide anything from me.

  “I got a friend coming to get me.” She smiled and leaned in just a little further. “Can I get that drink now?”

  She pulled out two shot glasses and filled both of them to the rim. She held up one waiting for me to lift mine. I lifted the glass, holding it out in front of me.

  “That one is on the house sexy…you look like you could use it.” She clicked her glass with mine and downed the shot.

  I followed shortly behind her and tipped my glass up, feeling the liquid burn my throat. She wiggled her ass as she made her way to the other end of the bar. I watched but not because I was impressed. I actually found myself comparing her ass to Riley’s.

  “So is that what I’m competing with these days?” Fuck, I must be hallucinating now. I could have sworn I heard Riley’s voice. I turned to my left and I know my eyes shot up.

  “I just didn’t picture you with a short girl, but hey if that’s what you’re into. She’s cute but I hate to tell you this, she’s flirting with the hairy guy at the other end now.”

  I stared at her trying to focus. I felt the burn in the back of my throat and the tightness in my chest. “Riley?”

  She smiled gently, “Yeah.”

  When she placed her hand on my forearm I swallowed past the emotions swelling within me. I looked down at the bar and closed my eyes tightly. I fuckin’ missed the hell outta her but I needed to keep cool. She walked away and if I acted like a fool and threw my arms around her she may just regret showing up.

  “Why don’t you give me your keys?”

  I looked up quickly and watched her eyes. She was slightly blurry but I could make her out. “I wasn’t…gonna drive.”

  “I know I just want your keys…please.”

  Like I was gonna tell her no. At this point I would have done anything this girl asked me to do to keep her near me. Hell, I was considering finding a set of handcuffs and linking her ass to me. I wanted Riley in my life and the last two weeks have felt like my heart was blazing within my chest. I felt empty without Riley in my life.

  I handed her my keys and she tucked them into her purse. I saw Riley’s eyes look past me and she glared lightly. I turned to find the cute Bartender looking at us.

  “Hey sexy you need another drink?”

  Before I could answer Riley spoke up. “No I think he’s good. He’ll actually be leaving with me now, so if I could settle his tab.”

  The two of them had a silent stand off before the blond turned away from us and grabbed a tablet of paper from next to the cash register on the back counter.

  I turned on the stool to face Riley. She looked over at me and I hooked my finger into the belt loop of her jeans. I never tugged her closer I just stared at the loop around my finger.

  I swallowed past the thickness, “Hey Ry, did you show up here so you could break my heart again?”

  I heard her sharp intake of breath and I looked up into her eyes. When she blinked a tear rolled down her cheek. “No.” She shook her head and wiped the tear away. “I’ve missed you Zander…so much.”

  I took in her words and then the bartender broke the moment once again.

  “It’ll be forty six fifty.”

  I started to reach for my wallet but Riley threw a fifty on the counter before I could. “Keep the change.”

  Her fingertips brushed my cheek softly and I met her eyes once more. “Are you ready to leave?”

  I couldn’t do anything else but nod and stand up from the stool. The room spun and the floor moved beneath me. “Fuck baby, I’m drunk. I’m sorry.”

  I looked down into her eyes and rested my forehead to hers. “I’m so sorry Ry…so fuckin’ sorry I didn’t hold on to you tighter.”

  I heard her sniffle and I pulled back to look at her better. She had tears rolling down her cheeks.

  “Let’s get out of here okay? We can talk later.”

  She led me out the front door and to her car. I leaned my head back against the seat and the door shut next to me. I felt like everything was moving in slow motion. My head toppled to the side as I watched Riley climb behind the wheel. I think she smiled over at me but I wasn’t sure. Fuck how many shots did I have?

  “Zander, if you’re gonna get sick can you tell me so I can pull over?”

  I grinned, “I don’t get sick babe…I’m good. I just need to feel you though. I wanna make sure you don’t disappear on me.” I placed my hand on her thigh. “There I just need to feel you. Nothing else…I promise.”

  I don’t know if I passed out or what but the next thing I felt was someone throwing my arm over their shoulder and lifting me from the car. I looked to my right and I tried to focus. Carson, oh fuck where’s Riley? “Riley? Where’s Ry man? RILEY!”

  I felt her hand on my chest and her soft whisper. “I’m right here. Shh, we’re just getting you inside. I’m not leaving.”

  Hearing her calmed me and I let Carson lead me inside his house. We stumbled down the hallway and then the bed dipped as Carson lowered me down. “You got him Ry?”

  “Yes.”

  The room got silent and I panicked. My eyes still foggy and the room was spinning, “Riley?”

  “I’m right here. I’m just gonna help you to get your shoes and jeans off…okay?”

  I nodded my head and felt her working to get both of my shoes and socks off. When she reached for the waist of my jeans I gripped her hands and held them in place. Riley’s body was hovered over mine and I tried to focus on her beautiful eyes. Those same eyes that captured my heart a little more each time I saw them.

  “I can’t lose you Riley. I love you too much. Tell me we gotta shot at fixing this…Please. Even if you’re lying and tomorrow it’ll all be different. Just give me this night. Just one night to feel you next to me and imagine that we’re okay; I need to get rid of this hurt in my chest. I’m begging you for that. I just want you to lie to me and tell me we’ll be okay.”

  I took a deep breath and fought against the tears threatening to fall from my eyes. I felt lost and I had for over a week now. In the past I would have turned to Beth for support. After the shit she pulled on me I couldn’t even bring myself to answer her calls.

  I released Riley’s hands and she began unbuckling my jeans. She tugged on each leg until she dropped them to the floor. I heard her shuffling around and then a blanket draped over my body.

  When the bed dipped next to me and Riley’s arm wrapped around my chest it was pointless, I couldn’t fight against the tears as they ran from the corners along my cheek bones. I turned toward her and pulled her close. I breathed in her scent and closed my eyes tightly fighting the tremendous burn in my chest.

  “Zander I don’t wanna lie to you.”

  “Please don’t tell me we’re over Ry…I can’t take it right now okay. Please just stay with me and let me hold you. Just one more time, please baby.”

  I heard her sniffles against my chest and I squeezed her tighter. It broke my heart to hear Riley cry.

  “I d
on’t want just one night with you…I want all nights with you. I miss you Zander and my heart isn’t whole without you.” I felt her tremble against me and her warm tears soaked through my shirt.

  I was too loaded to move much but having her in my arms was perfect. I knew I had missed it, but right now I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The emotions between us were too raw and I couldn’t fight them I was too weak to hold off.

  “Baby, there isn’t anything I want more than I want you. The first time I saw you I knew I needed to know you. I promise that things will be different Ry. I promise you baby no more bullshit. I need you Riley…more than anything I need you.”

  She tilted her head back and looked up at me. I watched her eyes as they glistened from her tears. “I love you Zander…I want us to work. I need you too.”

  At that moment I felt like the crushing pressure that had been weighing on my chest was just lifted. I lowered my lips to hers and kissed her softly.

  “I love you so much Ry…God I fuckin’ love you baby.

  That was the first night since our fight that I slept peacefully. I know it had something to do with the amount of alcohol I had flowing through me. I also knew that Riley being in my arms was a major reason for it too. For the first time in almost two weeks I felt like I could breathe again.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  ~Riley~

  “How’s He-man feeling?” Kate laughed as I emerged from the bedroom. “He was so messed up last night. I thought we were gonna have to throw his ass in the cold shower or something.”

  “Yeah…I’ve never seen him like that before it was crazy. He’ll feel like shit today, I’m sure of it.” I grabbed a cup and filled it with the remainder of the coffee still warm in the pot.

  “I’m thinking you better start a fresh batch there Ry. Your boy is gonna need a shit ton when he rolls outta bed.” Carson flopped down into the chair across front me. “So, what is the deal? Are you two gonna get your shit together or is this back and forth drama ever gonna end?”