by Ross Sayers
The cauld air feels lovely, lit a slap in the face ae congratulations fae the world fur a job well done. Ah walk tae a bench near the road and sit facin the opposite way, so ah can watch the result through the pub windae.
Behind the glass, the other three women re-join the table and naebdy’s noticed anyhin yet. A member ae staff collects ma unfinished lemonade.
The fireworks begin when wan woman yells and leaps up. Ah cannae hear the screams so ah huv tae imagine the sound she’s makin. It’s nice.
Her glass ae Prosecco goes flyin, as does the ice bucket wi the bottle inside. The other women jump back fae the table, and grab fur their bags underneath. Ah chuckle away tae myself. A guy passin by stops and turns tae see whit ah’m laughin at.
‘Jeezo,’ he says. ‘Whit’s happenin in there?’
‘Ah hink they’ve found mice,’ ah say.
‘Aw naw. Poor women.’
‘It’s the mice ah feel sorry fur.’
He continues on his way and ah get tae ma feet. The women huv deserted the table and urr headin fur the exit. The door swings open and thur screams can be heard everywhaur noo.
‘Ah’ll be reportin this tae the health board!’ wan shouts.
Ah break intae a light jog in the opposite direction. Ah pit ma hawns in ma pockets then yank them right back oot. Thur’s suhin furry inside wan ae them. Slowly, ah pit ma hawn back in and pull oot one broon moose.
‘Hullo there, fella,’ ah say, still walkin at pace tae get away fae the pub. ‘That wis clever. Ah suppose ye can stay.’
He squeaks in approval.
38
Thur’s a scream.
Ah sit upright, haufway between awake and asleep, a weird dream still swirlin in ma heid. These last few days it’s been hard tae tell the difference between bein awake as Rose and bein asleep as Daisy again. In ma dreams, ah’m iways Daisy.
Ah rub sleep oot ma eyes.
‘Mm?’ ah say. ‘Did you shout, Jill?’
The livin room door opens. Jill comes in and jumps up on the couch whaur ah’m lyin. Her feet stamp intae the duvet and sink intae the cushions aroond me. She shivers.
‘Rose, ah don’t want tae alarm ye,’ she says, lookin at the flair. ‘But ah hink we huv wan, or multiple, mice in the flat.’
Ah lay back doon and look fur the telly remote.
‘Rose!’ Jill says. ‘Did ye no hear whit ah said?’
‘It’s jist Squeaker,’ ah say. ‘He’s foragin.’
Jill takes the remote aff me and skelps me wi it through the duvet.
‘You brought a mouse intae ma flat?’
She jumps back aff the couch and rips the duvet fae me. Then she grabs the pillows as well.
‘Get up!’ she says. ‘Take that dirty creature oot ae this hoose! And go and see yer stepda or suhin, fur fuck’s sake. Make yersel useful! Cause ah’ll tell ye suhin, ye’re no stayin here wi that hing past Saturday. If Steven dies, yeese urr oot on yer erses ah swear tae ye.’
Ah pit ma claithes on quickly. Ah’ve niver hud tae dae this afore, quickly throwin on ma claithes in a stranger’s flat. Ye cannae get caught in the act if ye’re niver in the play.
Squeaker is sittin by the bin in the kitchen, munchin on some wee crumb he’s found on the flair. He scurries up ma arm when ah extend it doon tae him.
‘See ye efter work, darlin,’ ah shout at Jill, who’s still nervously hingin aboot the doorway.
‘Don’t dare bring that hing back here!’
Hiya, Steven, it’s Rose. From the hockey the other night? I wanted to talk to you about something. Sorry if this makes you feel weird, but I don’t have anyone else to go to. If you’re working today, I could meet you on your lunch?
Hello Rose, I finish at 2 today. I’m driving over to kelvingrove park to feed the birds (I know it’s sad.) You could meet me there if you like, hope everything is ok
That sounds perfect. I’ll get you at the fountain at the back of 2? (The smaller fountain by the bridge.)
Steven’s awready there when ah get tae the park. He stands wi a few pigeons at his feet, a heavy lookin bag ae sunfloo’er seeds in his hawn.
‘Efternoon,’ he greets me wi.
‘Hiya. Sunfloo’er seeds, eh?’
‘Aye, ah read ye’re no meant tae feed burds and ducks bread anymair. Makes them unwell or suhin. Ah’ve been feedin burds bread fur years, who knows how many ah might’ve killed.’
Ah fight back a laugh at that terrible da patter. Stepda patter. Then ah remember that ah’m a random young lassie he disnae know and he met up wi me wi nae hesitation. Why did he no pit in this effort wi me? Cause ah turnt him doon a few times? Said ah didnae want tae go tae the fitbaw wi him? Boo hoo. Grow up and try again.
Maybe he realised you’re not worth it.
We start walkin thigether. Ah instinctively look aboot tae check naebdy ah know is gonnae see us thigether. Ah slag him aff so much, it’d be terrible fur ma reputation if folk thought ah actually didnae mind him.
Then ah mind ah’m Rose. Rose disnae huv any pals. Rose disnae huv anyhin tae be ashamed ae. Rose is allowed tae like Steven if she wants. Rose can dae anyhin she wants. Rose disnae huv a history. Rose is free.
‘Ye know it’s maistly pigeons ye’re feedin,’ ah tell Steven.
‘Aye.’
‘A lot ae folk wid say ye shidnae be feedin them.’
‘Aye, people hink thur jist rats wi wings. But it’s December, it’ll be tough fur them. Less food kickin aboot.’
‘Ye actually like pigeons?’
‘Like might be a strong word. But huv ye ever seen a pigeon lyin deid in the street? It gies ye a fright, makes ye feel… uneasy inside. Disnae matter how much ye might no like them, thur still livin creatures. Ah’m no gonnae go oot ma way and start a “save the pigeons” charity but ah can gie them suhin tae eat at least.’
Frost crunches beneath oor feet as we walk. Steven extends his arm and drops seeds at the side ae the path. A blackburd gies me a fright as it flaps ower ma heid and lands behind us.
‘No that ah don’t want tae chat tae ye,’ Steven says, ‘but ye said thur wis suhin ye needed tae talk tae me aboot?’
‘Oh aye,’ ah say, diggin intae ma pocket. ‘Ah thought, ye know, wi yer profession, ye might know whit tae dae wi this wee guy.’
Ah try tae pull Squeaker oot ae ma jaiket pocket but he resists, and when ah dae get him free he gies a worried squeak and jumps back in. His heid is jist aboot visible, peerin oot.
‘Och, he’ll no want tae come oot,’ Steven says. ‘Wi aw these burds aboot.’
Ah gie Squaker an apologetic stroke.
‘But aye, ah’ve seen ma fair share ae mice. No gonnae lie tae ye Rose, they don’t huv much ae a lifespan. And ah’m sure ye’ll ken awready they like tae pee and poo aw ower the shop.’
‘Ah might’ve noticed.’
Ah don’t mention how many times ah’ve hud tae Febreeze ma jaiket so far tae keep the smell fae settlin in. Steven says “pee” and “poo” insteid ae “pish” and “shite”. Ah wonder if it’s fur ma benefit.
‘He’ll no be happy,’ he says. ‘On his ain. They like tae be part ae a group.’
‘Like people,’ ah say. ‘Well, maist people.’
‘Ye’re best tae let him go in a field, away fae the city centre.’
‘Right, ah’ll dae that.’
We continue walkin through the park. Dugs seem tae outnumber people, runnin aboot lookin fur baws and claps. A tiny wee yin wearin a Christmas jumper jingles as it darts between trees. A golden retriever walks next tae us fur a bit and Squeaker spasms in ma pocket.
A pop-up stall is sellin mulled wine at six quid a pop. The warm, dark red smell seeps oot as the wine is sloshed intae polystyrene cups.
‘Ah love this time ae year,’ Steven says.
Ah let a laugh oot ma nose.
>
‘Ah take it ye don’t agree?’ he says.
‘Ah jist…’ ah say, ‘huv a bad feelin aboot Christmas this year.’
39
Steven and me pass the skate park, which lies under a thin carpet ae frost, untouched by rumblin wheels and Converse. Ye’d be surprised by how busy this bit gets in the summer. Ah like tae watch them, the skaters, daein thur hing. Brings oot ma inner Avril Lavigne. Fur a few seconds each year, ah really truly convince masel that ah’m gonnae get a skateboard. Then ah see somebdy fall and skin thur knee and hink “hmm mibbe next year”.
We take a left and find oorselves at the bigger fountain, ancient and covered in carved figures. It’s frosty as well, its taps long turnt aff and its deep sinks hollow and peelin.
We find a bench. Ah say “we” but at this point Steven’s leadin and ah’m followin lit a bad smell. He starts tricklin sunfloo’r seeds tae the groond.
‘So is that aw ye wanted tae talk aboot?’ Steven asks. ‘Jist the moose?
‘Aye, ah didnae know whit tae dae wi him. Ah’ll find a field or suhin, or failin that Glasgow Green.’
Steven laughs and shakes his heid.
‘He can take in aw the concerts and that, eh? The Green Days, Keane, LaKyoto, Feels Like Thursday.’
Ah try no tae but a laugh forces its way oot.
‘You’ve made some ae them up.’
‘Aye ah might’ve.’
A family walk by. The wee lassie drags a blue plastic sled behind her, and the dad keeps turnin roond tae make sure she’s keepin up. She wis clearly too optimistic leavin the hoose, the snow’s no been lyin aw month. And it’s no gonnae snow this week either. It’ll be pishin ae rain this weekend but ah shid be back tae the right timeline by then.
‘Noo tell me if ah’m pryin intae yer business,’ Steven says. ‘But ah thought mibbe ye wur huvin… other troubles. Ah hope ye don’t mind me askin, urr ye still in the hotel? Ah hope ye’re no sleepin rough?’
‘Naw,’ ah reassure him. ‘Ah’ve got a place sorted. Wi a friend. Kind ae. How? Dae ye want me tae come and stay wi you?’
Ah cannae help masel. Ah cannae help giein him wan mair opportunity tae show his true colours. Tae show that he’s the kind ae person ah’ve convinced masel he is.
‘Och, naw,’ he says. ‘Ah’ve experienced livin wi a teenage lassie. Daisy comes back tae stay fur a weekend every noo and then and it’s a hale… drama. Even choosin whit tae watch on the telly becomes a nightmare. Ah widnae pit either ae us through that. But, if ye wur needin help, ah could speak tae some folk ah know. And gie ye some numbers tae phone. Help ye get back on yer feet.’
It hits me suddenly, lit a punch tae the chest, the reason why ah feel so shite aroond Steven. It’s no an act, it’s no fur anyone else tae see. He’s jist sittin in the park wi a gurl he hinks is needin help and offerin it expectin nuhin in return. The reason ah feel so shite is cause ah know ah widnae return the favour. Ah widnae dae this, whit he’s daein. Ah’ll gie money tae charity, aye. Ah’ll pit money in a homeless guy’s cup, aye, but ah willnae go tae the shop tae buy him suhin tae eat. Wid ah see somebdy in need and actually go oot ma way tae help them? Wid ah phone in favours tae help somebdy that threatened tae sue me the first time we met? Wid ah help somebdy if it meant ah really hud tae be selfless?
No. Selfish Daisy, everyone knows it.
The pigeons at oor feet urr soon joined by a couple ae ducks, and they aw peck at the seeds thigether, constantly swappin positions. Ah keep ma hawns in ma pockets tae keep them warm and tae keep Squeaker oot ae harm’s way.
‘That’s really nice ae ye,’ ah say. ‘But ah’m awright. Fur the minute anyway. Maist folk widnae bother aboot me. Ye must hink thur’s suhin wrong wi me.’
‘Ach, naebdy’s perfect,’ he says. ‘We aw need a hand sometimes. Ah’d hate tae hink ae… somebdy ah care aboot goin through anyhin like… whitever it is that you’re goin through. Well, when ah say somebdy, really whit ah mean is ma stepdaughter, Daisy. Ah dunno if ah mentioned her name afore.’
‘Ye did, aye. Ah like that name.’
‘And if she wis in trouble, ah’d like tae hink thur’d be somebdy oot there who’d help her. No that she’d take charity fae anybody! Far too proud fur that. Ye probably hink ah’m some soppy auld geezer, eh?’
‘Aye, a wee bit.’
He chuckles and ah nod, feelin awkward. Ah’m hearin hings that urnae meant fur me. Ah’m hearin the words ae a deid man, telt tae a stranger, in a meetin that shidnae huv happened. A meetin whaur baith folk might no be here come Sunday mornin.
Steven’s got a gid technique wi his thumb, flickin the seeds so they land a gid five feet away. A couple ae the pigeons leave the main smatterin and head further back tae get the single seeds tae themsels.
‘Ye can tell me aboot her,’ ah say. ‘If ye want.’
Steven keeps talkin, starin vacantly aheid. Soon it feels lit he’s furgotten aw aboot me and the burds as well.
‘The first time ah met Daisy, we hud dinner thigether. Me, her and Annie. Ah wis hittin oot wi aw ma auld stupit jokes and that, tryin tae impress her. The kind ae jokes we tell on the lorries tae make the days pass quicker. Thur wis wan, ah’ll no repeat it, but turns oot it wis… no very PC. It went doon like a lead balloon ah’ll tell ye that. Honestly, ah jist… hudnae gied it much thought afore that. Fae then on, ah tried tae be mair, y’know, aware ae these kind ae hings.
‘But ah hink that’s mainly whit she remembers aboot that night. She can smell shite a mile aff as well, so ah couldnae explain it away. And ah scrubbed under ma nails harder than ah’d ever done afore. She wisnae gonnae see dirt under ma nails, ah wis sure ae that.
‘She’s so clever but she disnae want folk tae know it. Cause then folk might expect hings fae her. And she makes these snap judgements aboot folk. Tae be fair, she’s usually right. Ah even lied aboot ma job cause ah wis feart ae whit she’d hink. D’ye like that? Me scared ae her. Ah suppose nae matter whit ah said, ah wis iways gonnae be the guy tryin tae come in and take her father’s place. Ah hink… thur wis nuhin ah could’ve done tae make her gie me a chance.’
Ah look away fae his face. When ae see folk greetin, it jist makes me want tae cry as well.
‘Ah didnae want tae take anybody’s place. Aw that happened wis ah met a woman, ah fell in love wi her, and it turnt oot she hud a teenage daughter. And ah wisnae gonnae run away jist cause ae that. It wis jist that first impression, eh? She knew straight away, ah wisnae the man her father wis. Obviously. He wis clever, like her. And me? Ah mean, ah can get a few questions right on The Chase but like, University Challenge may as well be in another language.
‘So, that’s it, fur noo at least. Jist a bad first impression ah suppose. Like ah say, a few years’ time, once she’s oot ae uni, ah hink ah might get a second chance. When ah saw ye again, Rose, ah willnae lie, ah thought “och it’s that lassie fae the hotel, keep clear ae her, she’s no right.” But then ah thought… “don’t judge her on that first impression, Steve”.’
He tips the remainder ae the seeds tae the groond. A few land on the back ae wan pigeon and it spins, tryin tae eat them aff itsel.
Steven stands up, wipin away crumbs and seeds fae his fleece.
‘Ah shid go,’ he says. ‘Sorry aboot aw that. Ah’m meant tae be helpin you and here’s me talkin yer ear aff like ye’re ma, whit d’ye call it, psychotherapist or whitever.’
Ah stand as well, no sure whit tae dae or say.
‘Don’t apologise,’ ah say, pattin him on the arm. ‘Ah’m glad ah could help.’
‘Ye huv ma number if ye get in bother. Will we see ye on Saturday fur the game? Ah hink Davie wants tae buy ye a pint tae say sorry fur no comin tae yer aid when ye fell last week.’
‘Mibbe. In fact, wait, ah think me and ma pal urr huvin a party. It’s gonnae be great. You shid come. You and Davie.’
‘Och, naw, ye don’
t want me there wi aw the young yins.’
‘There’ll be auld folk there. Really auld folk. Ancient folk. You’ll look lit Macauley Culkin compared tae them. Come on, Steven, ye can miss wan game.’
Come on, Steven. Ye either miss this game or ye miss every game.
‘Naw, naw,’ he says. ‘Ah’ll be in ma seat like usual, don’t you worry. Ah like the games aroond Christmas time, it’s iways a gid night and folk urr cheerier. Ah’m hopin someday Daisy’ll come tae a game wi me, actually. By that time, ah’ll know every rule and can explain hings tae her and she’ll hink ah’ve actually got some knowledge aboot some hings. Well, that’s ma hinkin anyway.’
Ah look tae the sky, thick wi hard, white clouds, and ah get wan ae they realisations. Epiphanies, if ye’re feelin fancy. Why dae ah no jist tell him whit’s gonnae happen on Saturday night? Jill niver said ah wisnae allowed tae tell him. Yotta didnae say ah couldnae tell him. Aw this runnin aroond tryin tae stop him fae bein at the pub efter the game when ah could jist explain hings and that’d be it.
Aw ah need tae say is: Steven, ye’re gonnae huv a heart attack on Saturday, so stay at hame. Stick yer feet up, huv a cup ae tea and watch Catchphrase. He’ll hink ah’m aff ma heid, even mair than he awready does, but it’ll pit that wee bit ae doubt in his heid. Ah jist hope the world disnae explode as a result or suhin. Ah like tae hink Yotta wid swoop in and stop me daein anyhin universe-endin. But then again, she’s no exactly Doc Brown.
‘Rose? Urr ye awright?’
Ma heid drops back tae the world aroond me. We’ve walked tae a bin, whaur Steven deposits the empty seed bag.
‘Aye,’ ah say. ‘Jist drifted away there. Listen, ah might no make it tae the game on Saturday. Ah’d like tae meet up again though, huv another chat. If that’s awright?’
‘Eh, well, ah suppose, mibbe…’
