Daisy on the Outer Line

by Ross Sayers

  ‘His name’s Steven,’ ah tell them.

  ‘Is this your dad?’ the other wan says.

  ‘Naw, he’s… he’s ma…’

  He’s ma stepda.

  Ah cannae be here. Ah cannae go tae hospital wi him. No when ah’m still Rose.

  ‘Steven, ah’m sorry.’

  Ah turn and run. They shout efter me, but ah don’t turn back. Ah can barely breathe through the tears but ah keep goin.

  Ah run aw the way up the hill, past the kids’ play park, doon the back ae the park and oot the gates. A kid swings in between his mum and da’s arms, feet tucked tight tae stop them draggin on the groond. Ah run tae the bridge on the River Kelvin and rest on the side, feelin lit ah’m gonnae throw up.

  A man wi a dug tries tae ask me whit’s wrong so ah run again. Ah keep runnin along the river til ma lungs cannae take it anymair. Ah slow tae a walk and feel the tears burnin the skin aroond ma eyes.

  Folk urr comin doon the path so ah go right tae the riverbank and sit doon.

  ‘Yotta?’ ah say oot loud. ‘Yotta, please help me.’

  Ah wait and listen tae the sound ae the river rushin past. A dug barks behind me on the path, aff the leash and runnin wild.

  ‘Yotta, ah need yer help. Ah need ye tae take me back. Ah couldnae dae it. Ah tried, ah swear. Suhin went wrong. It happened today, jist noo. Ah dunno whit changed but it’s happened. Please. Ah’ll wait here aw night if ah need tae. Jist please take me back.’

  Still nuhin.

  So ah wait.

  And ah wait.

  And ah wait.

  It’s no long afore it’s dark and it’s jist me and the water.

  Part Five

  Train-Wreck

  49

  ‘Who’s there?’

  Ah bang on the door again and again until she opens it.

  ‘Well, look who’s back,’ Jill says. ‘Didnae hink ah’d see your coupon again efter that note ye left. Whit’s wrong? Ye look frozen stiff, whit’s wrong?’

  Ah stumble intae the flat and basically collapse ontae Jill. She awkwardly takes me intae her arms and ah cry intae her shooder. Ah feel her strokin ma hair.

  ‘He’s gone,’ ah say, the fabric ae Jill’s hoodie mufflin ma voice. ‘Steven. He hud a heart attack or suhin in the park. He died afore the paramedics could dae anyhin.’

  ‘Aw Daisy,’ she says, ‘ah dunno whit tae say.’

  We stay lit that fur a while, the front door still open behind me, the two ae us swayin on the spot.

  ‘But ah don’t understand, ah thought he died the morra night? Efter the hockey?’

  ‘Ah don’t know,’ ah say, wipin ma snot ontae her hoodie. ‘Ah jist… ah don’t know. Ah must’ve changed suhin. Which is whit ah wis tryin tae dae but… ah’ve still fucked it aw up. Ah couldnae stop it. And noo… ah’m stuck here. Like you.’

  Jill pulls back and takes ma heid in her hawns.

  ‘Ah’m sure ye meant that as a compliment,’ she says. ‘But look. Daisy, look at me. Ye’re no stuck here.’

  ‘Ah um. Of course ah um. Ah’m jist lucky ah’ve got you, Jill, otherwise ah’d be properly rooked.’

  ‘Naw, ye’re no listenin tae me. Ye’re no stuck here. Ah wis only gonnae break this oot as a last resort but… thur’s somebdy that can help us.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Ah cannae tell ye yet. But we need tae go. Right noo. Dae ye trust me?’

  ‘Well, ah don’t huv much choice.’

  She grabs her keys fae the table. Jist afore she leads us oot, she runs back intae her room, lit she’s forgot suhin.

  Ah take ma chance and run intae the livin room. Ah pit ma face tae the flair and swatch under the couch.

  ‘Sorry ah furgot ye, buddy.’

  Squeaker runs oot tae meet me. Ah pit him in ma pocket and rush back tae the front door. Jill comes oot her room a few seconds later.

  ‘Let’s go.’

  We get in Jill’s car. Ah’ve nae idea whaur wur headin but ah’m jist glad tae be on the move. The dark ootside the windae obscures every buildin and hauf the streetlights seem tae be broken. We definitely go ontae the motorway at some point but soon we’re on backroads in a part ae Glasgow ah’m no sure ah’ve ever been tae.

  ‘Can ye tell me yet?’ ah ask.

  She disnae take her eyes aff the road.

  ‘We’ll be there soon.’

  ‘Why did ye no tell me aboot this person afore? Why urr they a last resort? And how come you’ve no used this last resort fur yersel?’

  ‘Honestly, Daisy, we’ll be there in a few minutes. Jist haud tight.’

  We rumble on. The silence is daein ma nut in and ma thoughts urnae worth listenin tae so ah flip through the stations til ah find yin playin REM. At My Most Beautiful. Ah hink it’s rainin ootside noo. The droplets fizz and streak across the windae, blurrin even the buildins close by.

  ‘He could barely even speak,’ ah say. ‘At the end. He wis laid oot on his back, and thur wis only strangers aroond him. No even anybody that cared aboot him or anyhin. Ah mean, thur wis me, but he didnae know ah wis me. And even if he did know it wis me, that’d probably huv made hings even worse.

  ‘And he wanted tae tell ma mum suhin but he couldnae even say it. Couldnae even get the words oot. Aw ah keep hinkin is… ah really don’t know why ah needed tae see that. Lit, if that’s whit ah wis brought back sixteen days fur, tae see him dyin. Whit wis the point? Tae hurt me. Tae make me feel lit absolute fuckin scum. Aye, well done, job done.’

  Jill keeps her eyes on the road aheid. She disnae huv the maps on her phone open, she’s so familiar wi this route wur taken.

  ‘Whit wis it like?’ ah ask her. ‘When yer pal died? When Freddie died?’

  She exhales through her mooth.

  ‘Ah felt… pretty much they same way ye’re feelin noo, Daisy.’

  Ah space oot fur a while, daein ma best tae stare through ma reflection in the windae intae the dark city ootside.

  A few minutes later, ma heid starts bumpin aff the windae mair often and ah realise we’ve left any real roads and urr on some kind ae dirt track. Branches scrape and tick aff the car.

  ‘Whaur urr we?’ ah ask.

  ‘It’s jist up here,’ she says. ‘Aye, this is it here.’

  She stops the car and pits the handbrake on. Ah go tae ask her again whaur we urr but she’s awready opened the door and hus got oot intae the rain. Ah follow behind her.

  Jill leaves the heidlights on. Thur the only source ae light aroond. We’re in the middle ae some wids, trees thick and deep aw aroond us. Ah follow Jill tae whaur the car lights reach furthest. Up aheid is darkness. Every other which way is darkness.

  The car lights make the rain look lit watery static that ye can reach oot and touch. It soaks through ma jaiket. Ma toes urr frozen in ma shoes, submerged in a muddy puddle. The light patter ae the rain on the groond is the only sound oot here.

  ‘There,’ Jill says, breakin the silence and pointin aheid, past whaur the light can show us whit’s oot there. ‘Go on, look fur yersel.’

  Ah step aheid ae Jill and peer intae the distance. Goin forward lightly, no sure ae whit’s beneath ma feet, ah try tae make oot anyhin in the dark. Then thur’s a sound. Like a metallic clickin.

  Ah turn roond. Jill stands a few metres back, pointin a gun in ma direction.

  ‘Sorry, Daisy.’

  50

  The rain seems louder noo. Smashin and poundin on the leaves above us and creatin huge splashes aw aroond.

  ‘Whit urr ye daein?’ ah shout through the rain.

  ‘Whit does it look lit?’ Jill replies. ‘Ah’m sorry, Daisy, but it needs tae be this way.’

  ‘Ye’re gonnae kill me? This isnae Goodfellas, Jill, ye cannae jist kill folk.’

  ‘It’s the only way. It’s the only way hings can go back tae the
way they wur.’

  ‘Fur you, mibbe. Whaur did ye even get a gun fae? We’re in Scotland, fur fuck’s sake, ah’ve niver ever seen yin afore. How dae ah know it’s real?’

  She smiles and wipes rain and hair oot ae her face.

  ‘Daisy, d’ye know how hard it is tae create a hale new identity? The kind ae hings ye huv tae dae? The kind ae folk ye huv tae get in wi? Ah tried tae explain it but ye widnae listen. Gettin a gun is easy compared tae that, babe.’

  ‘So ye’re in wi some dodgy folk, urr ye? Is that meant tae scare me?’

  She points tae the gun wi her free hawn.

  ‘Naw, this is meant tae scare ye. Ye’ve nae idea whit ah went through. Whit ah hud tae dae tae leave Elouise behind. Tae build a life oot ae nuhin. Ye’d huv probably been deid awready if it wisnae fur me.’

  Ah hink aboot shoutin fur help but whaurever we urr, it’s deserted. Ah cannae even see wan light oot there. Even if somebdy did come, how wid ah explain it?

  ‘Ah wis daein awright on ma ain,’ ah say.

  ‘Oh aye, ah mind ye turnin up on ma doorstep wi naewhaur else tae go, tellin me how awright ye wur daein. Ah didnae huv a Jill tae run tae when ah got sent back.’

  Ah make an attempt tae look up at the sky. Ma face gets pelted wi rain and ah don’t see anyhin. Nae landmarks tae tell me whaur ah am. Jist blackness aw aroond. Thur’s too much distance between me and Jill fur me tae try and rush her and get the gun oot her hawn. If it’s even real.

  ‘So ye shoot me and then… whit?’

  ‘Then ah go back tae bein Jill.’

  ‘Whit happens when they find me?’

  She laughs and wipes the rain oot her face again. Her mascara seeps ootwards fae her eyes. The light fae the car makes the rain sparkle and it’s almost as if thur’s lights blinkin oot in the trees fur a few seconds. Wan catches ma eye, brighter than the others. Ah look back at Jill.

  ‘Find ye?’ she says. ‘Ye’re no even a person here, Daisy, same as me. Aw that’s gonnae happen is a deid body ae a young lassie’ll be found in the wids. She disnae huv any family tae claim her. She disnae huv any friends. Fur aw intents and purposes, she disnae exist. The polis’ll hink ye’re some foreign lassie that’s been shipped ower and dumped. Naebdy’s gonnae make a fuss. If ye’re lucky, ye might jist make a true crime podcast. But ah widnae count on it.’

  She closes wan eye.

  ‘Ah’m no gonnae lie, though,’ she says. ‘Ah’ve niver shot anybody afore. If ye stay still, thur’ll probably be a lot less pain.’

  ‘Yotta!’ ah scream. ‘Yotta! Help! Now! Please!’

  ‘Yotta? Whit’s Yotta?’

  Ah look left. Ah look right. Jist rain and darkness and that wan light in the distance that’s too far away tae help me noo. Ah take Squeaker oot ma pocket, slowly crouch and let him go intae the grass. He disnae seem sure at first then scuttles away tae find a new hame.

  ‘Yotta’s… it wis jist a shot in the dark. So… urr ye gonnae dae it or no?’

  Ah take a step towards her. She takes a step back.

  ‘Better dae it quick,’ ah say, ‘or we’re gonnae huv oorsel’s a wee wrestle in the mud, Jill.’

  Ah take another step. Another yin backwards fur her.

  ‘Come on, then. Whit urr ye waitin fur?’

  ‘One mair step,’ she says. ‘One mair step and ah’ll dae it.’

  Ah take one mair step. Then ah break intae a run towards her. She takes aim.

  BANG

  51

  Ah open ma eyes. Ma cheek rests on suhin fuzzy. It feels lit ah’ve been asleep fur days. Or underwater, finally comin tae the surface.

  Ah sit up and look aroond. The subway carriage is empty and static. A faint orange glow hings in the air. The doors urr closed and ootside thur’s too many shadows tae see the station sign. A chipped bit ae paint sits under ma fing’rnail and ah don’t remember how it got there…

  Ah spot ma reflection in the opposite windae. Ma face stares back. Ma actual face. Ah’m Daisy again.

  ‘Hullo gorgeous,’ ah say, and rush tae inspect masel, runnin ma fing’rs ower ma features. ‘Aw, ah’ve niver seen anyhin so sexy in ma puff. Daisy, ye’re a sight fur sair eyes ah’ll tell ye that.’

  A figure strides doon the platform in an orange hi-vis vest. The doors slide open wi a shudder. Yotta steps inside and sits doon across fae me.

  ‘Gid tae see ye again, Daisy,’ she says. ‘Ye suit that face.’

  ‘Whaur the fuck wur you?’ ah ask.

  ‘When?’

  ‘When? When Steven died. Or how aboot when Jill pu’d a fuckin Luger on me.’

  ‘Aw. That.’

  Her hawn dives intae her pocket and produces a bag ae Mini Cheddars. She offers the bag tae me.

  ‘Ah’m no hungry,’ ah say, reachin in and takin a few.

  ‘Ah wis surprised at that turn ae events,’ Yotta says. ‘Her huvin a gun, didnae see that comin. Ah’ve niver seen a gun in real life afore. Huv you?’

  ‘Well, ah huv noo, aye.’

  ‘Aw, course, she shot ye.’

  ‘She did.’

  ‘It didnae hurt though, did it? Ah got ye oot in time?’

  Ah look doon and inspect masel fur bullet holes. Ah’m dressed in ma gid purple jumper, the yin ah stole fae masel.

  ‘Last hing ah remember wis her pullin the trigger.’

  ‘Well, ye’re here in wan piece, ye cannae deny that. Ye’re welcome.’

  ‘Forgive me if ah don’t rush tae thank ye, Yotta.’

  She shrugs. The crisp bag’s empty and she tucks it inbetween two ae the subway seats. She sooks the cheddar dust aff her fing’rs.

  ‘Fair,’ she says. ‘But in ma defence, ah really didnae hink she’d kill ye. Ah mean, honestly, who hus a gun in Scotland!’

  The doors urr still open fae when Yotta got on. The stairs which wid take me tae freedom urnae that far. Ah dunno whit station we’re at but it disnae matter, ah could find ma way hame easy. Ah could definitely make it tae the stairs.

  ‘It’ll probably interest ye tae know,’ she says, ‘ah found oot aboot Jill fae ma colleague. Or Elouise Green, as she used tae be known. The long and short ae it is… she got sent back, lit yersel, cause there wis somebdy she needed tae save. A friend ae hers called Freddie. The only problem wis… she didnae try tae save him. She decided she liked bein a different person. She didnae want tae go back. She didnae get on wi her family; she hud been plannin on dumpin her boyfriend. She chose tae make a new life fur hersel and the rest be damned. So, the higher ups decided tae leave her be, rather than bringin her back tae her real life. Which is a funny kind ae punishment if ye ask me, they gave her exactly whit she wanted.’

  Ah get up and rush tae the doors. Afore ah can make it on tae the platform, the doors slam in ma face.

  ‘Ye cannae run away fae this, Daisy.’

  ‘Jist wanted some fresh air,’ ah say.

  She smiles and gestures fur me tae sit back doon. Ah still cannae tell whether Yotta likes me or hates me or is jist daein her job. It’s a bit lit ma relationship wi Siobhan. Is she really wantin tae help me be a better person or wid she rather be at hame? Does Yotta even huv a hame? Whaur does she go when she’s no appearin randomly?

  Ah flump masel back doon on the seat.

  ‘Ye widnae get far if ye went up they steps,’ Yotta says. ‘Plus whit’s the hurry? Time disnae exist here.’

  ‘Naw?’

  ‘Check yer watch.’

  ‘Ah don’t wear a watch.’

  ‘Right, well, if ye’d been wearin a watch, it wid be stopped noo.’

  ‘That’s no that impressive, same hing happens when the battery runs oot.’

  She sighs.

  ‘Ye’re hard work, Daisy. Wur sat here in the secret subway station under the Clyde and yer still lookin fur hings tae complain aboot. Ye’re hard work
indeed. Anybody ever tell ye that?’

  ‘Ah’ve heard similar. So whit noo? Ah’ve got ma face back so… can ah go back tae ma ain life?’

  ‘No quite.’

  Ah punch the seat. Below the orange fur, thur’s a crumple as ma hawn digs in.

  ‘How no? It wisnae ma fault. Ah tried. Ah wis meant tae huv another day. It’s no ma fault he died.’

  ‘Did he?’

  ‘Did he whit?’

  She takes a notepad fae her pocket and makes a note wi a pencil. This is aw too similar tae bein in a session wi Siobhan.

  ‘Daisy, ah hope ye understand that ah don’t huv much choice in the matter. On the bright side, ah am gettin better at transferrin items fae wan body tae the other.’

  She stands up and walks towards the doors. They open fur her. Ah try tae follow but find ah’m stuck fast tae the seat.

  ‘Wait,’ ah shout. ‘Let me oot.’

  She looks back at me.

  ‘Ah need tae send ye back again.’

  52

  Yotta moves oot on tae the platform. The doors huvnae closed yet. Try as ah might, ah cannae shift fae the seat and reach them.

  ‘Naw,’ ah say. ‘Ye cannae. Ye cannae send me back again. Ah’m no like Jill. Ah tried. Ah did. Please, ah’m no like her.’

  ‘Exactly,’ she says. ‘And noo ye’re gettin another chance. Tae dae us aw a favour.’

  ‘At whit? Dae ah try and save Steven again? Please, ah’m no smart enough fur this. Ah’m no strong enough. Whit dae ye want me tae dae?’

  ‘Ah want ye tae dae whit’s right.’

  The doors slam shut and the subway engine grinds tae a start.

  ‘Oh, ye’ll huv a new face,’ Yotta shouts through the windae. ‘We cannae huv two Daisys runnin aroond, and we cannae huv two Roses runnin aroond either. Happy travels.’

  She gies the carriage a few slaps wi the palm ae her hawn. The subway leaves the station. It speeds up in a hurry and soon Yotta’s left long behind on the platform. The carriage rattles through the black tunnels under Glasgow, gainin speed wi every second that passes.