by A. C. Bextor
After she walked out I stand, minute after minute, waiting for her to come back as her last statement settles in my chest. If she comes back, I don’t know what I’ll do. This resolve I promised myself I’d hold tight to is fading. I worry if she comes back I’ll change my mind and ask her to stay.
Another minute passes and I realize I don’t have to worry anymore because this time she’s truly gone.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Sarah
GOD, NO. THIS isn’t happening.
Driving back to Ace’s house, I’m reminded as I pull up that Trav’s not welcome back yet, if ever. Until I agreed to stay away from him, which I hadn’t planned on doing until now, Ace had made good on this threat to keep Trav at a distance.
He doesn’t have to do that anymore. Now that Travis has ended things, Ace will eventually reach out to him again. It’s what they do. I never understood it, but it happened with Lacey and Hayden as well. Travis was angry for a short time, they talked it through, and life moved on. I take some comfort in knowing Travis won’t be alone forever. But right now, I feel as though I will.
Toby’s truck is parked behind Ace’s Harley. Hayden’s SUV is parked in the street next to the mailbox, clearing the way for mine in the drive. The lights inside are on and through the blinds I see vague shadows of all those who are probably waiting for me.
Fuck, this hurts.
When I enter the house all eyes come to me. Taking in those who sit around the table as if Travis never existed fuels my already well-angered state of irritation and feel of absolute betrayal.
I don’t say anything to them as I pass to enter my room, but all eyes follow and all voices stay silent until my bedroom door closes behind me.
Throwing my purse on my dresser, the perfume bottles and the few other contents rattle briefly before the silence once again surrounds me. My hands make their way to my hips as I look down in contemplation.
I hate all of them. Those who claim to stand by each other, care for one another, and guard their friendships so closely, have deserted one of their own.
I’m angry.
Stepping out of my black skirt then lifting my soiled uniform shirt over my head, I leave them on the floor and change into Travis’s clothes. I attempt to sidestep the thought he’ll never be annoyed at me wearing them again.
I’m furious.
I’ll never hear him lecture me about my mouth, my crabby morning disposition, the careless way I make decisions, or my inability to stay calm in any situation.
I’m about to come un-fucking-done.
I hear Ace’s voice from the other room, and the walls start to close in around me. The hot-tempered, possessive, arrogant son of a bitch is robbing me of the life I want; the life I deserve.
Travis told me we were over. He told me we were through, and in so many words he was done with me. He said I’d be able to live my own life.
Those aren’t his words, they’re Ace’s. Travis can’t possibly believe them.
When, in all my years, have I ever been able to do anything without Ace standing guard or Bean running motherly interference? Never.
Rising off the bed, I kick my clothes out of the way and swing my bedroom door open wide. The soft murmurs I heard through the walls only seconds before have ceased entirely.
“Sarah,” Rae calls out, surprised by my presence as I move closer to the main room next to the kitchen.
I ignore her and turn to glare at each person, one after another, sitting around the dining room table. My eyes aim to remember their faces, urging them, without words, to never forget mine.
Now I’m about to lose my fucking mind.
Marlee sits next to Toby, her armed draped across the back of his chair as he sits stoically facing my direction.
Rae, sitting on Ace’s lap, fidgets and I see his large hands on her hips, holding her in place. Always controlling.
Hayden and Lacey sit on the other side of the table. Lacey starts to stand, but my eyes immediately narrow and I feel my jaw get tight. She notices and stops moving.
It’s as if all of this is happening in slow motion. Releasing my sadness, anger, and resentment into the room, I start with the person I feel deserves it most.
Hayden’s eyes come to mine and he sits back in his chair the moment I start to speak.
“You’re an asshole,” I say first, watching his body tense with my truth. “He trusted you, Hayden. He forgave you for what you did with Lacey. If anyone should understand this, it’s you. He’s your best fucking friend.”
“Sarah, don’t,” Ace cuts in, but I don’t look away.
Instead, I continue. “He respected you. Even though there was so little to respect at times. He always stood by your side and always cared about you, even when you didn’t care about yourself!”
Rae stands from Ace’s lap as he now starts to stand behind her.
I don’t let it deter me. “I hate who you’re being, Hayden. I hate it for you and for Trav. It’s pathetic.”
I move my eyes to Lacey, sitting next to him, her eyes are filled with tears. “Don’t cry, Lacey.” I fake a caring tone, and then change it quickly to emphasize my words. “Maybe he’ll forgive the one person in his life he truly thought of as his family. That’d be you, in case you were wondering.”
Ace bellows in the background. “Shut the fuck up!”
His tone is meant to scare me, but it doesn’t at all. I don’t pay attention to his words. They’re muffled through the pounding of my boiling blood.
“And Toby and Marlee,” I state. Both their eyes widen and focus on mine. I raise my hands above my head. “This isn’t fucking Switzerland! You can’t be neutral!” I yell, louder than I’d intended. “You can’t look away and pretend what’s happened really hasn’t. Have an opinion in this, and for fuck’s sakes have one that fucking matters!”
My throat starts to burn from the increased pressure of raising my voice, but I’m not done.
Raegan’s next.
“And you,” I point, watching her step backward and into Ace’s arms. “His best fucking friend! The one who claims to understand him. This is killing him, a knife to the chest, and you’re holding the fucking blade! As always, you’re hiding behind Ace. What happened to the Rae I knew who’d stand up for herself even in the angry face of my brother? Bean would . . .”
I don’t finish. Hearing myself mention my beloved Bean with so much anger causes my breathing to seize.
Ace moves Rae away from him and walks around the table to get to me. His expression is murderous.
“And you,” I say calmly, so calm it scares me as I hear my own voice. “You’re my family. You’re all I’ve got left, Ace. And you’re hurting me. More than anyone here.”
“Sarah,” he whispers, standing close, but not making a move to reach me. I look up. His face is red, but no longer from anger. His eyes are drowning in tears.
“You’ve always told me what I should want, Ace. Now that I finally, fucking finally, have something I want more than anything, you’re ripping it away. You’ve torn it to pieces.” I pause, regroup, and finish. “I hate you for this.”
“Fuck,” he utters, running his hands through his hair.
“You’re not who you’ve always claimed to be. When you left and went back to Ohio, you left me here. I needed you then and I need you now but for different reasons. I’m not a kid anymore.”
“I’m trying,” he returns.
My volume increases again, my body still racing with fury. “Try harder! Don’t you see? I love him, Ace!”
Before turning around and walking back into my room to sulk in sadness in my own company, I look around Ace’s large frame to the others.
“Bean would be ashamed of everyone here. I’m ashamed to be part of this family and I don’t want to be part of it anymore. All of you make me sick.”
I look back up at Ace; his face is no longer red. It’s gone pale, hearing me talk of Bean the way I have. It’s my right, though. I knew her better than an
yone. It was me she loved the most.
“I’m moving out. I don’t care if I’m alone. You took something from me and you took more from Travis. I’ll be gone as soon as I can find somewhere else to go.”
“Sarah!” I hear him call as I turn and walk back to my room, closing the door behind me.
* * *
Hours later, with my head throbbing and my eyes burning from uncontrollable tears, I haven’t regretted anything I’ve said to the others because it was all true—every word of it. I was driven by heartache and felt compelled to have my say. I haven’t been upset because of them; my tears are because of him.
My thoughts spiral out of control as I try my best to keep the others from hearing me cry. I should’ve given in to Travis sooner. I shouldn’t have tried so fucking hard to keep him away like I did. I would’ve had more time with him and things could’ve turned out so much differently.
I desperately try to fall asleep without listening to the front door open and close, again and again. Ace’s voice, from what I can make out, sounds determined. I hear him tell the others he’d “handle it”—whatever the fuck that means. There’s nothing left to handle.
Without processing any further thoughts, I grab my phone and angrily start my text, already knowing I won’t get a response because he doesn’t fucking care.
08:44 p.m. I said to them what you couldn’t. You’re welcome.
Hours later, Ace walks into my room, unannounced and without invitation. Sitting up in bed, grabbing a pillow for comfort and placing it on my lap, I wait for him to unleash.
He doesn’t.
His face is etched with pain; it’s an expression I’m not used to seeing him wear. Ace’s confidence and certainty in regard to me have never wavered. Seeing him like this leaves me nervous and a little sad.
“Don’t tell me to go away.” His voice, coupled with his sad expression, keeps me quiet. “I talked to the others.”
“I’m not apologizing to anyone,” I tell him and mean every word. Fuck them.
His hand comes up, and without words I accept this as a desperately needed time out.
“Sarah,” he sighs, still standing in my bedroom as the dull light of my lamp surrounds us. “I didn’t think you would. What you said in there . . .” he pauses and raises his hand in a ball to his mouth after clearing this throat. “There’s truth to what you said.”
“Thank you.”
“But not all of it was right or fair.”
“It was to me.”
“Hear me out,” he requests, walking toward me and sitting on the edge of my bed, feet to the floor. He turns his body so he’s facing me, but still in a position to get away. “You don’t know what was said in regard to what’s goin’ on before you walked in.”
“What was that?” I ask skeptically.
“Lacey brought them all here tonight for a reason.”
“And?”
“She’s as pissed at everyone as you are, including Hayden.”
Finally, someone’s making sense.
“And?”
“And . . . I want my say,” he tells me. “I know you think I don’t deserve it, but I’m entitled to something.”
“Go on,” I utter, leaning back against the headboard and crossing my arms over my chest.
“Sarah, I’m trying to reason with you; meet you in the middle somehow,” he returns, nodding to my angry pose. “You being pissed off doesn’t make it easier.”
“You don’t deserve easy, Ace. You hurt me.”
“I know, but I didn’t do it without a fuckin’ reason,” he snaps back then takes a calming breath.
“And what reason could that possibly be?”
Giving me the envelope in his hand, which I missed him holding when he came in, he lays it down carefully on the pillow in front of me.
A-fucking-gain, my eyes start to water. Bean’s handwriting on the front of it hits my chest, taking my breath with it. I sit still, refusing to touch it but leaving it in its place, and look at Ace.
“Read it,” he demands.
My voice croaks mildly with my question, “Why do you want me to read this?”
“Because it’s important to me that you do. Have you read yours?”
“No.”
“Why not?” he asks, running his hand through his hair then down his face.
“I’m not ready.”
“Squirt, you’ll never be ready.”
“I thought I was once. Trav kept asking me to, but then . . .”
“Yeah,” he says guiltily. “I know.”
“I wish you understood what he meant to me.”
Ace looks away, putting his hands together in his lap and focusing on my wall next to the door. “What he means to you,” he corrects.
“Yes.”
“I told her I’d watch over you,” he starts in reference to Bean. “She made me promise during one of our last talks that I’d help you through the loss of her when it happened and that I’d take care of you until you could do it for yourself. I didn’t do that.”
Rolling my eyes, I look to the ceiling, so tired of having this discussion. “I left you, Ace. If that makes you feel better, think of it like that. You didn’t kick me out, I wanted away from you.”
“Travis helped you heal,” he states quietly. “I didn’t.”
“You gave us the space to let him do it. You had to know if I moved in with him he wouldn’t let me suffer alone.”
“You’re so young, Sarah,” he tells me, trying to sound certain.
“I’m an adult.”
“You’re nineteen, Sarah.”
“An adult,” I reiterate.
“Fuck, this sucks. My life was easier when you were twelve,” he says, still not looking at me, but now studying the nightstand next to my bed. His eyes study the framed picture I have of Travis, Bean, and me, taken a few years ago.
“Not really. You didn’t like me any more or less then.”
His eyes come to mine and they undergo a marked, dramatic change. Any doubt and insecurity he felt in talking about Bean evaporates and in its place I feel a warmth from Ace I’ve longed for since she died.
“I’ve always loved you. But, you’re right. I didn’t always like you.”
“Well, there were times I hated you.”
“Yeah, I know. You hate me now. You made that shit fuckin’ clear tonight.”
“I love him, Ace,” I say with conviction. “I feel like you’re making this out to be a ridiculous relationship. It’s not! You used his past against him. It’s not any more his fault he had a shitty mom than it is ours.”
“I know.”
“I want you to know I won’t give up. I’ll get to him again and if he listens to me I’ll be with him with or without your blessing.”
If Travis would take me back and agree to let me leave all of those who betrayed us both behind, I’d go—willingly. I’d look forward to whatever life with him he’d let me have.
“You’d leave me?” The hurt in his voice can’t be mistaken.
The truth in mine can’t either. “Yes. You have Rae and Deck. I don’t want anyone but Trav.”
“Read the letter. Bean wanted what was best for you. You’ll see it.”
“She loved Travis. He’s what’s best for me,” I return quickly, ignoring his attempts to convince me to do what he demands.
“She loved us all, but it doesn’t make what he did right,” he replies.
“He didn’t do anything I didn’t want him to! Don’t you see that?” I argue, but it falls on deaf ears.
Standing up, Ace looks around my room. I haven’t unpacked and have no plans to. The bag I packed at Travis’s sits open on the floor in the corner. He eyes it briefly before he turns back to me.
“I don’t see you as an adult yet,” he starts softly. “But I’m trying.”
“Can I have him back?” I ask.
“I need time.”
“That’s not a no.”
“It’s not a yes.” Ace moves towa
rd me again and bends down closer than I’m comfortable with. I feel his hand grab mine and squeeze. It’s a sweet gesture that I rarely feel from him. Normally, other than the day at Bean’s grave, our contact extends to roughing each other up in some way. It’s how we’ve always been and it’s our own version of affection.
“Tell Rae I’ll talk to her later,” I say, breaking the silence.
He nods and moves toward my bedroom door; he’s on his way to leaving me alone with the letter I don’t want to read.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” he asks.
“Maybe.”
“It’ll work out the way it’s supposed to. Bean would say that, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, she would,” I agree.
After Ace closes the door, I look down at the pillow and breathe out a heavy sigh. The envelope’s been opened; the edges have been worn thin. I realize now he’s read his letter more than once, probably closer to a dozen times. I close my eyes and imagine how many times he’s called on her for help just as I have. Then wonder if she ever spoke to him the way I wished she’d speak to me.
“Here we go,” I say to no one, and no one answers.
Except my Bean.
Ace,
There aren’t any words of comfort that I can offer to easily get you through this and by reading this letter you already know I’m finally spending my days in a place where I’m no longer suffering. I wasn’t going to live forever and no one, not even you, can escape death. When a person’s time is up, it’s up. My time came earlier than I had anticipated.
Although I’m not there in person, I’m always going to be with you in spirit. Right now I can do what I can to help guide you through the process of what comes next.
