by A. C. Bextor
All your life I’ve watched as you grew into the man you’ve finally become. You’re a strong, proud person with the courage and strength that only the few you love have ever seen. Your heart has always been your own and, at times, you’ve given it much too freely to those who didn’t deserve it. I’m counting on you to stay true to who you are now, Ace. It’s important to those that love you.
You’ve spent your young years taking care of Sarah and me and it can’t be denied that you deserve your own happiness after all you’ve been through. I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve given me, Ace. It would be a tragedy for you not to understand that you and Sarah were the reason I lived such a long, fulfilled, and happy life; the two of you became the reason for my existence.
I’m sure by reading this you can imagine there’s more I’m going to ask of you, though.
Your little sister will need your time and attention for a long while still, I’m afraid. Your patience with her is going to waver, but your love for her will be to the light to her path in finding out who she truly is. It will be the anchor to the ever-changing emotional storm that she’s about to battle her way through.
For me, please love and protect her through this as you have so many times in the past when she needed it. Help her realize the person she’s destined to become. I can’t do this for her as I’ve always tried to do for you. She’s so young, and has a lifetime of happiness in front of her. Sarah has always been her own person and because of that she often has worn you thin, I know this. It will be challenging, but I have faith, Ace. You must hold on to my faith now, too.
Let Raegan shoulder some of your grief. You don’t lean on her enough, and you should. Let her take care of what she can. It’s every woman’s right and duty to help those she loves through troubling times. As women, it makes us stronger in the long run and helps us heal, as well.
And as your grandmother, I know all of this to be true.
Keep your wits and patience about you with little Decklan. He looks up to you in ways little boys look to their fathers for guidance and understanding. He’s learned so much from you already, so be firm but kind to him in the years to come. He’ll be watching and learning from you for the rest of his life. With a blessing, I hope he’ll grow up just as you did: surrounded by those who love him.
I’m so sorry for the grief and devastation I know you must be feeling. But if I know my boy like I think I do, you’ll come out of this an even stronger person for it.
If that’s possible.
All my love eternally,
Bean
I have to blindly fold the letter and put it back in the envelope. I can’t see anymore. My eyes and face, but mostly my heart, are covered in the loss of her again.
I realize now Ace is trying to do what Bean’s asked. He’s trying to protect me from possible heartache, but in doing so, he’s causing it himself.
The rest of the night I spend in bed without sleeping. With the playlist on repeat, I listen to every word of every song I’ve ever heard Travis play.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Travis
“HAVE YOU DECIDED what you’re gonna do with this place once it’s finished?” Greg asks, loading up his truck after he’s helped pack it in for the night.
“Not yet. Thought about keeping it.”
“And moving in?”
“Maybe.” I’ve thought about doing exactly that.
Lacey called last night and told me what happened with Sarah. I told her she came to see me and heard Lacey’s voice became hopeful when she expressed how happy that must’ve made me. When I explained what I had done, ending it officially, she called me an idiot and told me I’m letting go of someone who loves me despite myself.
Lacey was right. Sarah doesn’t care about my childhood, my moody temper, my lack of relationships with women. She never questions why I am the way I am, but rather she just accepts me. None of my past matters to her, none of it she knows of anyway.
It doesn’t change why I’m letting her go without a fight.
Sarah deserves a life with someone who’s able to give her what she needs, and that includes Ace’s approval. Sarah’s young and she hasn’t truly lived her life for her yet. She’s hidden behind Ace and Bean for too long. She’s forgotten who she really is.
As I watch Greg’s truck leave the driveway, my body goes rigid when I spot Ace’s red and silver Harley pull into the drive.
You’ve got to be fucking bullshittin’ someone else.
After Ace parks the bike, he removes his helmet, puts the kickstand down, and walks toward me determinedly.
“Got a minute?” he asks without an official greeting and with attitude that isn’t needed.
I turn to look behind me. The door’s already open, so I answer, “Depends. If you’re here to threaten to kick my ass for doin’ somethin’ I’d do ten times over, then no, Ace, I don’t have a fuckin’ minute for you.”
“I came to talk.”
“Sure as fuck didn’t want to talk when you told me in front of everyone that I wasn’t good enough for Sarah.”
“Fuck,” he says, exhaling. Putting his hands on his hips, he adds, “Maybe this was a bad idea.”
“Thinkin’ maybe you’re right. I’m not sure you and I talkin’ about anything other than what a fuckin’ prick you are right now is a good idea.”
“If you were in my position, you’d have reacted the same.”
“Fuck you, Ace. It was me in that position, and yeah, I was pissed at Hayden. I had faith in Lacey, though. You have none in Sarah.”
“We’re not talkin’ about Lacey. And it’s not the same.”
“Isn’t it?” I snap back, wanting to lay Ace out where he stands.
Gathering his composure, he tells me, “I’m here so you can have your say.”
“Right,” I utter, turning toward the house and hearing his footsteps follow mine.
Once we make it inside and up to the kitchen, I grab two beers from the fridge. I shouldn’t be surprised he’s here. If Sarah told him about the things I said to her and he’s not upset, that would mean he’s come here to make peace between us, and attempt to find our friendship again; but that’s impossible.
What he’s done, not to me but to Sarah, isn’t something I’ll ever forgive or forget.
The house isn’t furnished, making us unable to sit in a relaxed position. Instead, we settle in the small kitchen, each resting against opposite walls.
“You’re fixin’ up your dad’s old place?” Ace asks, filling the room with fucked-up small talk.
Putting the beer down on the cooler, meant to be a makeshift chair, I ask with little patience, “What’s it you’re really doin’ here?”
“Travis,” he starts with my name.
I can’t not smile when remembering Sarah explain to me that I say her name to calm her when she’s crazy. Apparently, he’s learned this trick from me.
Pulling me out of my reverie, Ace continues talking. “I came to talk to you about Sarah.”
Closing my eyes, I picture her broken face. “Well, I kinda figured that was the case.”
“She’s upset.”
He’s telling me what I clearly already know.
“Fuck yeah, she is. Jesus Christ, Ace. What’d you think? I told her it would be okay,” I start, feeling my body warming as the blood forces the anger out. “Then not long after, I told her we were done. Unsure how the fuck you could expect me to hold her hand through this shit when I’m not allowed near her.” I’m shaking. I’ve never really thought about hurting Ace the way I know I could now. “You asked, no you demanded, this be done and it is. So fuck you if you think I’ll help her hate you less.”
“I may have been wrong,” he returns quietly, eyes not on me but on the ground.
“You were wrong,” I correct, throwing my beer cap in the sink and hearing it clink before it settles at the bottom.
“I may have been,” Ace revises. “I’m here because I want to know how you feel about her
.”
Clenching my jaw, I grab my beer and take a pull before I respond to his ridiculous request. Willing my voice to stay low, I tell him, “If you don’t already know how I feel about her, how I’ve always felt about her in one way or another, then you have no business being here and you should go.”
“Sarah’s my business. She’s my concern.”
“That’s the fuckin’ problem, isn’t it? That’s always been the problem.” I reply. “You’ve always had your eyes on Sarah, but really, do you know her? Do you know her heart?” I ask casually. “Do you know she can watch a ridiculous rerun episode of her favorite fuckin’ show with you, but not look at the screen because she’s just happy for the company?” I could stop, but I don’t. I keep going. “Did you know she still rocks herself to sleep at night? She does. She can’t sit still. All her life we’ve told her to be calm, stop bothering us, watch her mouth. All this time, Ace, she’s only been who we’ve made her. She’s never been Sarah!”
“With you she is. That’s what you’re sayin?”
“With me she was. That’s what you’ve missed.”
“I just want to know you have her. I don’t just mean as you always have. She’s young, and knowing Sarah the way we all do, she’s bound to wear you out.”
“I love that about her. That’s something you didn’t get to know before you ruined what we thought we had,” I answer, setting my beer down and truly giving him my attention.
Ace stands straight, setting his beer down, stretching his hands on either side of his body, and does the absolute unexpected. “Face is fine, gut is better. You want me to apologize, okay. I apologize. I was wrong, Trav. You should know, though. This wasn’t just about you. I didn’t want to see her with anyone.”
“Face is fine, gut is better,” I repeat, trying to decide which I’d like to hit harder.
I stand, walking into his space as he braces. Briefly I think about not hitting the man who’s been by my side all these years, but he hurt her.
Rearing my fist back, using all the power my body will give, I slam my fist into his gut and watch as he instantly doubles over. He doesn’t breathe for several seconds and I start to brace for his return. He’d be a fucking fool to challenge me, but we’ve gone head to head before over shit that’s meant a lot less.
“It’s too late for apologies. I ended things with Sarah last night. It’s done. I hurt her. That was for her, not me.”
His head lifts to mine, his eyes gone blank, telling me without words he has no idea what I’ve done. Then he asks, “You ended things?”
Grabbing my beer and taking a seat, I lift my beer toward his, signaling he needs a drink. His face is red and he looks like he’s hurting. “Well, I ended it officially. You ended it for us first.”
“I fucked up,” he admits.
I answer his statement with the agony of the truth. “Yeah, I hurt her. I fuckin’ pulled the rug she was barely standing on out from under her. Doing that to her about fuckin’ killed me but it destroyed her.”
“That explains why she lashed out at everyone when she got home.”
“I heard,” I concur. “Lacey told me.”
“I talked to Sarah last night after everyone left. She deserved to know why I act the way I do. My letter from Bean—”
Cutting him off, I ask, “She read your letter?”
“She did.”
“What about hers?”
“That’ll take some time. She said she’d tried.”
I nod.
He smirks and his eyes look hopeful. “She asked me if she could have you back.”
“I’m not a puppy,” I tell Ace with a half-smile.
“Nope,” he agrees. “But she may as well have pissed on you a couple of years ago when you were with Kate, because shit’s changed ever since.”
I look down at the ground, Bean’s words echoing in my head. I hadn’t wanted to understand their meaning then, but I get it now.
You’re different, though, Travis. You’re Sarah’s.
Ace interrupts my remembrance of the best woman I’ve ever known. “Sarah’s at work until eleven. Rae talked her into going in, but she’ll be home later. I’m taking Rae and Deck to the coast for a few days to get my head on straight, per Raegan. If I haven’t fucked this up beyond repair already, Travis, go see her. Find out for yourself how she’s doing.”
“Maybe it’s not such a good idea. I’ve already cut ties, and maybe she’s better off if we leave it done.”
“Is your fuckin’ head on straight?” Ace asks with his eyebrows lifted in surprise.
“My reasons for ending us weren’t entirely about you.”
“Which is why you didn’t hit my face but held to my gut.”
“Yes.”
“What is it?” he asks with growing tension in his posture.
“There are a lot of things you don’t know. I haven’t shared everything with you.”
“Hayden mentioned something last night, but told me to ask you.”
I sigh, taking a seat on the cooler. Ace takes a seat at the opposite side of the kitchen and holds his beer in both hands as he braces his elbows on his knees.
“Before Bean died, I asked her about my mom.”
“Bean fuckin’ hated that woman.”
“When I asked, she refused to tell me anything.”
“And?”
“I love Sarah. I don’t want anything to ever affect her in a way it shouldn’t. Until I know what the fuck happened and what I don’t remember, I don’t want Sarah near it.”
Ace sighs, setting the half-empty beer at his feet and sitting back, leaning against the new drywall. “It’s better to have someone than be alone. Sarah’s crazy as fuck, but she loves you and you’d be better off holding on to what’s certain rather than what’s not.”
“I know.”
“Think about it,” he states and starts to stand. “I gotta go. Rae’s packing and wants to be gone by seven and I’m already late.”
“Tell her I’ll text her later.”
Before walking through the front door, Ace stops in the same spot Sarah did. She and Ace, being so much alike, mirror each other in position as he holds the jamb and waits before leaving. He doesn’t turn around to face me as she did, though. But I hear his apology loud and clear.
“I think Bean would’ve wanted you to have her. I was a prick and I can apologize but until you’re with Sarah again it won’t mean anything. If you love her, go get her and make it so I never have to worry about her again. Just don’t fuck it up.” He takes a breath before he gives his final piece. “Travis,” he says, “I’ll fuckin’ kill you if you do.”
I don’t respond as he makes his way out. I also don’t stop to wait to see if he’ll come back after changing his mind.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Travis
SARAH’S ROOM IS bare, except for a pile of Diamond’s toys sitting on the floor at the edge of her bed. Her personal items haven’t been unpacked, even after a week. I see her bag sitting in the corner, and she’s moved nothing into her dresser. She has no intention of staying with Ace and although I don’t blame her, and even though I’m still pissed about how he treated her, I’ll do what I can to mend things between them after I talk to her myself and find out where her crazy head’s at.
I don’t have to wait long. The front door slams shut and I hear her dropping her shoes. They hit the linoleum floor with a smack and then the light in the hall outside her bedroom comes on.
Damning verses are being sung, and from here it sounds like Cher’s version of “If I Could Turn Back Time” is taking a serious hit. Sarah’s so fuckin’ nuts.
Her bedroom door is shut and I sit quietly on her bed waiting for her finish whatever she’s doing banging around in the kitchen. She’s got the chorus of the song down, but the verses continue to be what only can be described as neglected.
Ace’s voice is deep and he only sings when it’s required. Sarah’s voice squeaks and she sings whenever and wherever
the hell she wants. However many similarities there are between them, this by far is the furthest in sibling distance.
Closing my eyes and leaning my head against her bedframe, I mentally rehearse again what I plan to tell her.
What she said about me being lost is true. She did find me, but pieces of me are still missing; scattered between a life I know and one I’m not sure ever existed.
Before coming over, I made a call to the only woman in my life I truly hate. My biological windbag of a mother answered on the first ring. After I told her who I was, I was met with complete silence. I thought she’d hung up.
Once she gathered herself, I listened as she lit her cigarette and tried not to gag thinking about how her house must smell. Lacey had told me a little about what living with her was like and I’ve tried to put it out of my mind since.
Unfortunately, I need my mother’s help. More specifically, I need her memory, if that’s not been wasted away by time and whatever she does to pass it.
I didn’t tell her the reason I needed to see her, but promised it wouldn’t be a long visit and after, she was welcome to leave and never come back. I sensed her internal struggle, probably replaying my dad asking her to leave when I was three.
After I’d done my fair share of sounding sincere, she agreed to meet me tomorrow afternoon to discuss what was weighing on my mind. If all I remember is true, and if Lacey ever found out, the ground would slip from under her. In my search for peace, I’m risking Lacey’s mental well-being. If I’m right, she can never know what I’m positive she doesn’t already.
Pulling out my cell phone, I text Sarah for the first time in over a week.
11:26 p.m. Hey
I hear what sounds like a pan drop in the kitchen moments later. Seconds later, I get a return message.
Sarah 11:27 p.m. Hey
11:27 p.m. Where are you?
Sarah 11:28 On a date.
A lot of crazy and also full of fucking shit.
11:28 p.m. Liar.
I hear the microwave beep, indicating her food is ready.
Sarah 11:30 What do you want?
