Magic and Mayhem: Sh*t My Witch Says (Kindle Worlds Novella) (Witches Gone Wild Book 1)

by Michele Bardsley

  “Your one-sided conversations with Dorcas sure are interesting.” Tabor’s smile melted into a frown when he saw her expression. “What’s wrong?”

  “Dorcas thinks something heinous will happen if we try to help the Great Ash.”

  Tabor held out his hand. “You’ll be safe,” he said. “I won’t let anything happen to you, Immie. Hear that, Dorcas? I’ll protect her.”

  Reassured, Immie threaded her fingers through his, and together they walked toward the Great Ash. Dorcas followed, muttering about the follies of stupid witches and stubborn bear Shifters.

  Chapter Seven

  Immie walked around the Great Ash, gently touching the black patches. The tree seemed to shudder under her touch. Next, she poked through the pile of leaves. Other than the fact they had fallen off the limbs, there didn’t appear to be anything wrong with them.

  “I’ve never seen this before. It appears to be some kind of fungal disease, but … I can’t be sure.” She bent down and brushed her fingers across the gnarled roots. “I have to get underneath it.”

  Tabor crossed his arms, his biceps bulging with the action. “How are we going to do that?”

  She led the bear Shifter around to the backside and showed him a hole that stretched from the roots to about half way up the trunk. “This morning, I looked through my History of Ancient Trees and Their Magical Properties.”

  “That’s a mouthful. That was one of the books Baba Yaga left for you?”

  “Yes. Like you said yesterday, there aren’t many of these magical trees left in this world, but they all have one thing in common. They’re hollow, and they open up into a cave system. We can climb inside and wiggle down the roots. The Great Ash is probably getting its sustenance from an enchanted underground lake. That would explain how these trees are able to maintain their health and magic for so long.”

  “I knew there was a network of caves. There are entrances all over Wild. But I didn’t realize you could get access through the tree itself.” Tabor gazed at the disease-infested trunk. “You think its water source might have dried up?”

  “Maybe.” She reached out with her magic, tugging at any thread of life she could find in the Great Ash. A plant dying from neglect would have responded to her. Water was there, but like the tree itself, there was something putrid about it. “My suspicion is that Great Ash has been poisoned.”

  “What?” Alarmed, Tabor turned his worried gaze to the tree. “Are you sure?”

  “No. That’s why we need to go underground and see what’s going on. I’m not saying it’s an intentional poisoning. It might be that something toxic entered its food supply, or a diseased animal died in or near its water outlet.” Her head spun with the possibilities. “It’s all speculation, of course. That’s why we need to investigate further.”

  “Let me go first,” he said. He tried to push his massive shoulders through the opening. That didn’t work, so he tried going legs first. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t fit. “Maybe I should shift.”

  “Because a bear is so much smaller.”

  Tabor growled. “My bear is a lot a stronger.”

  Immie hid her smile. His need to protect her warmed her from head to toe. She’d never had anyone care whether she was in harm’s way. She thought about his bear form and giggled. “You know what happened to Pooh, right?”

  “Pooh?”

  She raised a brow. “How are you going to feel when your ass is hanging out of the tree because you’ve wedged your shoulders in? That is not an area I’d want exposed. There are all kinds of critters out her looking for warm places to hide. Are you sure you want to take that chance?”

  Tabor tapped his chin, considering the merits of her advice. Did the man think he could somehow force his bulk through that space by sheer force of will? He finally conceded with a sharp nod. But then he said, “You’re not going down there by yourself.”

  “I won’t be alone.” She gestured to her floating pain-in-the-ass companion and realized Tabor was watching her point at air. “Dorcas will be with me.”

  Don’t drag me into this. I warned you. Being here is still a spectacularly idiotic move.

  “She’s thrilled to accompany me,” said Immie. “We won’t be gone long.”

  “I don’t like this.” He took her hands and pulled her toward him. “Didn’t you say that Dorcas told you something bad would happen? What if she’s right about the negative vibe?”

  Thank. You. Dorcas glared at Immie. The bear gets it. Why don’t you? Tell him the truth—that you’re being an obstinate ass goblin!

  “What?” asked Tabor. He looked up as if he might actually see Dorcas. “She’s talking, isn’t she?”

  “Yep. She says you’re being a weenie.” Immie tried to keep a straight face.

  Weenie! Are you kidding me? If you’re going to put words in my mouth then you can at least be original. Tell him I think he’s a bee sucking, honey munching, furry fucking asswipe.

  “Immie—”

  Immie held up her hand to forestall his protest. “Please don’t fight with me about this, Tabor. Yes, something nasty is happening with the tree, but you brought me here for a reason. This is my area of expertise. Let me do my job. I’ll pinky-swear to be vigilant and careful.”

  “I’m not a weenie,” Tabor grumbled.

  “You are brave and strong and handsome. The fact that you want to protect me makes me feel like a queen. But I’m a witch, and I’m very good at my craft. I can handle myself.”

  “You think I’m handsome?” Tabor grinned.

  “Maybe.” A zing went straight to her girly bits. Handsome didn’t even begin to cover Tabor’s looks.

  “Go on. Admit it. You think I’m hot, don’t you? Eden and Erin were right. You want to see my boobs.”

  “I already saw your boobs. And yes, I was very impressed.”

  Tabor gathered Immie into his embrace. “Well, I haven’t seen yours.” He pressed his forehead to hers. “Yet. So don’t go getting yourself killed or anything.”

  “Because you want to see my boobs?” She considered pulling a spring break move and just yanking up her shirt.

  “Because you’re my mate.”

  “Right. You really believe that I’m your mate because we smell good to each other?”

  “It’s more than that. There’s a primal part of Shifter biology that kicks into gear when mates get within sniffing distance.”

  “I’m not a Shifter, though.” Immie’s heart knocked against her ribcage. They were chest to chest. Dear Goddess. His muscles had muscles. And her nipples were so hard she was pretty sure they could carve “mine” into his flesh.

  “But you are a Shifter’s mate, Immie. I have your scent. You have mine.”

  Tabor’s eyes were so dark, so intense, that she lost the ability to speak. He stepped closer and put his thumb on the corner of her mouth. “You are beautiful.”

  Okay. I’m outta here. I’d rather be eaten slowly by a troll with rancid breath rather than watch you two suck face. I’ll just go wait in the scary caves. Alone.

  Immie barely heard Dorcas. Butterflies danced in her belly as desire thickened her blood. Summer scents of grass, sunshine, and earth flooded her senses. She shivered, rocked to the core by the pure heat that poured through her.

  “You smell like honey to me,” he said softly. “I’ve never wanted to lick another person so much.” He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply then his tongue traced her lips. “Mmmmm.” He opened his eyes, and Immie saw his desire, and beyond that, his sincerity.

  “This is all so … unexpected,” said Immie. “Everything seems to be upside down and inside out.”

  “Yes. But us being together is a good thing.” His fingers curved behind her neck, and he put his lips to hear ear. “I want you so much, Immie.”

  “I want you, too.”

  “I’m happy to hear that.” Tabor bent down and pressed his mouth against hers, and Immie’s doubts shattered.

  * * *

  Tabor brushed her li
ps, once, twice, and moaned as her luscious mouth connected with his. He slid his arms around her waist and pulled her close, needing to hold her tightly. Why did he feel like she was going to slip away from him?

  He lingered on her lips, loving their soft warmth. Goddess above! She even tasted like honey. Reluctantly, he broke their tender kiss, but only so he could enjoy other pleasures. He kissed the underside of her chin and then trailed light kisses across her jaw, stopping to nip her earlobe. To his delight, she gasped and put her arms around his neck. Her fingers delved into his hair.

  With his tongue, he traced the shell of her ear, eager to give her more enjoyment. She arched, offering her neck to him, and he took the invitation. When he sampled the tender flesh in the hollow between her neck and collarbone, Immie drew in a sharp breath, and her hands clutched his hair.

  Goddess! He was on the edge of taking her right here, right now. He crushed his mouth against hers. His kiss demanded more as hot need coursed through him. He plunged his tongue again and again into her mouth. He heard her soft cry of pleasure, and pure male satisfaction rushed through him. He wanted to roar. He wanted to claim her. His mate. She filled his senses so completely, his very soul felt connected to hers. All he knew or cared about for this moment was her.

  Immie.

  The scent that was hers alone enticed him to explore further. Through her T-shirt, he cupped her left breast. She moaned, pressing against his hand. He pinched her nipple lightly through the barrier of her lace bra. Had he ever wanted a woman so much? No, his mind cried, never. She was the only woman who stirred the mating frenzy in him. Cupping her bottom, he lifted her and rubbed his erection against the core of her femininity.

  “Wait,” she managed. She quivered in his arms, her eyes dark with passion. She pulled back. “I think we need to slow down.”

  Tabor nodded. “You’re right. Besides, I don’t want our first time to be here.” He grinned. “Maybe our fourth or fifth time, but definitely not the first.”

  “Definitely not the first,” she echoed.

  Reluctantly, Tabor let her go. She stepped back and straightened her shirt. Her mouth was swollen from the intensity of their kiss and her long hair slightly mussed. She was fucking adorable.

  “Can I talk you out of crawling into that hole and facing Goddess knows what in that cave?” he asked.

  “Nope.”

  He sighed. “Okay. But if you’re gone longer than ten minutes, I’m coming after you even if it means tearing the Great Ash in half.”

  “Give me fifteen,” she said. She put her palm against his cheek, her expression confident. “Don’t worry, Tabor. I’ll be fine.”

  She scuttled into the hole before he could protest again. As soon as her head disappeared, he looked at his watch.

  The fifteen-minute countdown had begun.

  Chapter Eight

  Immie climbed down the roots of the Great Ash. Too late, she wondered how far away the ground would be once she got clear of the tangles. The darkness wrapped around her so tightly that its thick silence nearly suffocated her.

  Donkey balls, Immie. There’s barely enough room in here for a flea. I’m half in and out of sludge. You are the worst Hobbs I’ve ever haunted.

  The revelation made Immie smile. Slowly, she felt her way down the bumpy twists and turns. She began to sweat and her muscles started to ache.

  The soil and sludge was dead-dead. She’d never seen any plant or area so corrupted. “What can cause something like this?”

  It’s probably eboligonnaboilyourbutt, Dorcas said.

  Immie could barely turn her head, but she managed to the give the ghost an exasperated look.

  Dorcas shrugged. Don’t blame me when you start bleeding out your holes.

  “Speaking of holes—why don’t you shut yours?” Eventually Immie got to the point where she saw neon green fuzz striping the craggy cave walls.

  The witch-ghost poofed out of sight. Immie should have felt relieved to be rid of Dorcas for a moment, but instead, she felt apprehensive. Bad company was better than no company on a mission like this.

  The odd light allowed her to see that the largest root, as big around as a wooden barrel, went all the way to the cave’s floor. She scurried down it, and then slid off the bark and onto the ground.

  About time you got here, groused Dorcas.

  “You try navigating through the muck in a tight space with an harping old hag.”

  Dorcas rolled her eyes. I still think we should high-tail it out of here before something horrible happens.

  “If you feel that strongly about it,” said Immie, “then go. You don’t have to stick around.”

  Yes, I do. If you get your dumb ass killed then I’m a goner, too. She nodded toward the left. That big root goes all the way down to the next cave.

  “Did you follow it to the end?”

  Hell, no. This place gives me the creeps. You need hurry your witchy self up, missy. This is a place of stinking rotting death. Much the way your v-jay has smelled for the last… She began counting years on her fingers.

  “I think you’ve been smelling yourself, Hoar.”

  Hahahahahahaha! A Hobbs with a backbone. How novel. You know that bear is going to run at the first sign of cobwebs, right? No man wants to compete with dust and spiders when they’re sexing you up.

  “I…” Immie sputtered. Then suddenly, she laughed. All these years, she’d let the shrew get under her skin, but Tabor’s kiss changed her whole outlook. She felt bold and happy. And for once, didn’t give a damn about Dorcas’ asshole ways.

  Feeling more light-hearted, she indulged her curiosity about the fuzzy green stuff on the cave walls was too strong. It looked alive, but it didn’t feel alive. She went in for a closer look.

  “Bioluminescent fungi,” she said. “Fascinating.”

  Yeah, it’s a real thrill all right. Let’s go already.

  They followed the huge root until it curved to the right, into a bigger cavern. More of the glowing fungi covered the walls. Immie felt the magic of this place. Ancient. Powerful. Damaged. Underneath the decay, she could detect the once pure sorcery.

  The root went straight into a large body of water.

  The hair on the back of Immie’s neck stood straight up, and she knew Dorcas was right. A putrid presence coated the whole area. Yet, here they were, being bad asses. Black dross floating on top of what had no doubt once been a beautiful, clear lake. Immie could almost see it in her mind’s eye. But now it was, as she had suspected, poisoned.

  Dorcas sailed upward and circled around the lake. She returned, looking sick to her stomach. Somebody took a dump all over this area. That black crud is gonna leave a skid mark on nature’s ass.

  Immie knelt at the edge of the lake and put her hand over the inky substance. She sent out her magic, trying to connect with whatever this was so she could either heal it or kill it.

  The scuzzy crap didn’t like her poking at it. It almost felt like the poison used her conjuration as a tether, slithering toward her and destroying her magic as it went.

  She cut the connection and jumped to her feet. Plants couldn’t be evil, right? Real evil required a soul. She stared at the tarry surface of the lake. This crap was everywhere. If she couldn’t figure out what it was and how to remove it, the Great Ash would die.

  Holy shitballs! It’s bigfoot or swamp thing. No! It’s the creature from the black lagoon! Someone tied Nessie’s rotting corpse to a tar pit and let it putrefy before bringing it back to life. It’s awwwwwwwwfuuuuuul! The ghost witch pointed behind Immie.

  Immie turned and saw a huge, greasy, pile of mire rise trudging across the morass. Unlike Dorcas, it took Immie precious seconds to realize it was a monster of epic proportions. The thing was Godzilla-sized, or at least it felt that way as it splashed across the water and headed toward shore. Toward her.

  Dorcas whacked Immie on the back of the head with a spongy, fetid piece of driftwood. Run, you moron!

  Immie raced from the cavern. She cou
ld hear the thing slishing behind her. It was fast for a lumbering, feculent giant. As soon as she got to the Great Ash’s roots, she began her desperate climb upward.

  Hurry, yelled Dorcas. Get your good-for-nothing ass moviiiiiiing!

  Adrenaline shot through Immie as she thought about what was behind her. What the hell was that thing? A plant? A humanoid? A supernatural being?

  As she wiggled through the curling roots, she could see the light from the tree’s entry point. Tabor poked his head through. “Immie!”

  Heart pounding, hands sweating, and muscles aching, she kept going. Tabor reached out a hand. “You’re almost there.”

  She reached for Tabor. Damn it. He was just inches away.

  A horrible feeling shuddered through her and then felt the thing grab her leg and pull. “Tabor!” she screamed.

  “Immie!” He swiped at her hand, and she stretched out her fingers, barely making contact with his palm.

  Dorcas zipped above her head. The ghost’s eyes widened in horror and that’s when Immie realized she was in way worse trouble that she first believed.

  The slimy creature yanked her down. She scraped against the scabrous bark, her face banging against the knots and curves.

  Then she was flat on the cave floor, pinned by the walking trash pile. Oh, Goddess. The damn thing had a face, and… it was smiling. The beast stood over her, his red eyes glowing piggish from his brown, ruddy face. It reached out a hand—or its version of a hand. One greasy tendril curled out of its finger and twisted toward her.

  She realized with the clarity of the probably-gonna-die that this creature siphoned magic and replaced it with its poison. Her stomach dropped as panic scurried through her. What he’d been doing to the Great Ash, he wanted to do to her.

  Dorcas flew through the monster, screaming Cowabunga motherfucker! When she came through the other side, she was spitting all over the place. Yuck. I got supernatural butt nuggets in my mouth. She looked over her shoulder. Are we seriously getting our asses kicked by a piece of walking shit?