My Fair Duchess (A Once Upon A Rogue Novel Book 1)

by Julie Johnstone

  Her mother’s gaze grew wide and wild. “You must leave. You must!” Her voice had risen to a hysterical level.

  Fear blossomed in Amelia’s belly. Something was terribly, horribly wrong, and she did not think it was merely the laudanum. “I’m sorry, Mother. I don’t wish to defy you, but I feel I must.”

  Her mother pulled and tugged at her hair, an expression of twisted agitation crossing her face. “But if you don’t go now, he may see you.”

  “He who? There is absolutely no hope of you getting me to leave if you are not honest with me.” Though there was no hope she was leaving anyway, she didn’t think trickery in this instance would harm her mother.

  Oh dear heaven! Had that been the logic Colin had used when he decided not to tell her of the will? Her breath caught. Had she allowed her anger to cloud her good sense and make her abandon a man who loved her? Or would that be had loved her? After all, why would he love a woman who refused to believe him and called him twisted and―

  “Amelia!” her mother screeched. “This is no time for your daydreaming.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said, mortified to have drifted when her mother so obviously needed her. Amelia shoved all thoughts of her problems with Colin away. She had to concentrate on her mother. “What were you saying?”

  “If I tell you, you must promise to go!”

  Normally, Amelia would never give a promise then break it, but these were not normal circumstances. Perhaps Colin had similar thoughts? She squeezed the bridge of her nose. Later. He would have to wait for later

  “All right. I promise to go.” Eventually. She sucked in her lip with guilt.

  “Lord Huntington will be arriving soon, and I am trying to decide which dress to wear. Now, please…” Mother pulled her by the arm. “Go!”

  Amelia gripped her mother’s hand. “Why is he coming here? And don’t tell me you care for him. You look scared, not in love.”

  Her mother’s face turned a deep shade of red, and her hands twisted together. “I need to sit.”

  Amelia swept the gowns aside and waved her mother to the bed. “Why is he coming here?”

  “I hope to convince him to bed me,” Mother replied, glancing down.

  “Excuse me?” Amelia heard herself gasp.

  “You heard me, Amelia.” Mother’s voice was sharp. “I intend to seduce the man. I know you understand what that means.”

  Heat flooded Amelia’s face as anger poured through her. “I understand,” she said quietly, staring at the cascade of graying hair that covered her mother’s face. “But why? Why would you do such a thing?”

  “I don’t want to bed the wretched man―I have to. Especially now that the wager can no longer save us. I have to make him want me still.”

  “Still?” Amelia felt as if the world was tilting.

  “Yes. Still. We’ve― Well, you know what I am trying to say.”

  Amelia forced herself to nod. She was going to be ill. Her mother had slept with Lord Huntington.

  “It was the only way he would agree not to call in the notes the bank holds over the property and all the loans your father and Philip took out. If the bank demands full payment, Philip would be ruined. We would be ruined. I could not let that happen to Philip. He’s tried so hard to set things to right.”

  Amelia’s heart thudded at the astonishing news. She took her mother’s hand and squeezed. “Go on, please.”

  “I, well, I did not offer myself to him. He suggested the bank might forget the debt for a while if I, well… You understand?”

  Amelia nodded once more, a bitter taste filling her mouth.

  “It’s been going on since almost right after your father died. I thought I would go mad with how disgusted I felt with myself, so I started taking laudanum. It dulled my thoughts and made me numb. But when the Duke of Aversley came and offered that wager, I knew if I could get you away from here, you would win the wager and we would be saved. There’s no time now, but later you must tell me what happened. Perhaps we can fix it?”

  “I don’t think so,” Amelia said, barely containing a strangled sob. Maybe, if she went back to see Colin and told him she had thought about everything clearly and how sorry she was. She trembled with fear that he would refuse to even see her. Gulping, she said, “His Grace and I did not leave things well. I cannot give you hope of an alliance.” She glanced down at her hands. “I’m a fool.”

  A finger came under Amelia’s chin and raised it until she was looking into her mother’s eyes. “You are not a fool. You are in love. I hear it in your voice and see it in your eyes.” With those words, heavily laden with tension, her mother stood and glanced down at Amelia. “Now you must leave! He will be here soon.”

  Amelia jumped to her feet, her heart leaping into her throat. “You cannot allow that man to touch you again. I won’t let you.”

  “It makes my skin crawl to think of his hands on me again, Amelia, but what else can I do?”

  Amelia suddenly remembered seeing Lord Huntington in Hyde Park and later at the ball. “Mother, I saw him in London. Whatever was he doing there?”

  “I suspect he went to spy on you. He was furious when he found out you were on the marriage mart. Amelia, I am trying to seduce him into wanting me again because he decided some time back that he now wants you. I will not allow that man to touch you, but he has vowed to have the bank call in all of Philip’s notes if you do not acquiesce.”

  Amelia’s stomach roiled with nausea, but she gasped. “The Duke of Aversley will pay Philip’s debts,” Amelia cried out, relief flooding her. Even if he now detested her, he had set out to do all of this for Philip, after all. “His Grace would never allow Lord Huntington to ruin Philip.”

  “It’s not only Philip’s debt he is threatening us with. He has threatened to tell everyone of my bedding him.”

  Amelia gaped at her mother, who had buried her face in her hands. “I could live with my name and reputation being ruined, but you know as well as I do that if I am ruined you are as good as ruined, as well. For that, I fear Philip would kill the man and end up being executed himself. I cannot allow any of that to happen.”

  “Do you understand now? You must go!” She began to pull on Amelia to try to get her to stand up.

  Silently, Amelia stayed her mother’s trembling hands while trying to force down the rage rising inside of her. Anger would not help them now. Dear God. She pressed her hand to her throat as a knock resounded on the door below.

  “He’s here,” her mother said in a horrified whisper as she yanked on a violet dress and commanded Amelia to hook it. Amelia raised her shaking hands to the fastenings, but could not get her fingers to work. She knew why. Her heart seemed to cease beating, as the terrible truth sunk in. She could not allow her mother to sacrifice herself to that man again. Amelia swallowed the bitterness in her mouth. She had no idea what she was going to do, but she would do what she must to protect her mother and keep that man’s hands off them both.

  “Go hide in your room,” her mother hissed.

  Amelia nodded, but she had no intention of doing anything of the sort. The moment her mother left the room, Amelia jumped up and tiptoed out the door. In the hallway, she grabbed their large candelabra. She would clobber the man with it before he would lay one finger on her or her mother. As she started down the stairs, the murmur of voices drifted up to her.

  “My lady, Lord Huntington bade me to tell you he cannot come today or likely for a week. He took a fall from his horse and hurt his back.”

  Shaking, Amelia sank onto the step and pressed her free hand over her mouth to muffle her cry. One week. She had one week to come up with a plan to save them.

  Colin woke, stiff, drenched in sweat and unsure if it was day or night. One thing he did know for certain was he was in his bed. The smells of leather and wood in the room were familiar and the feel of the bed was unmistakably his. He blinked several times, realizing his eye only throbbed a bit. After a moment, his eyes adjusted to the darkness and his visi
on cleared enough that he could make out his room. The curtains had been drawn tight, but sunlight peeked through the bottom edge where the heavy drapes met the hardwood floor. So daytime it was.

  He sat up, clenching his teeth and preparing for another bout of dizziness, but surprisingly he felt steady.

  “Feeling better?” a feminine voice murmured from the dark corner near the window.

  Colin’s first thought was of Amelia, but when he looked, he saw his mother. His momentary happiness was replaced with shock, along with a vague memory of passing out in the driveway.

  “How did I get here?” he asked, swinging his legs over his bed but not standing.

  His mother rose and walked toward him. “Lord Harthorne helped my coachman load you into the carriage and then carry you upstairs.”

  “Your past lover didn’t offer to help?”

  She flinched but said, “He offered to help, but I declined.”

  Damn, he felt like the biggest arse. “I’m sorry. I should not have said that.”

  “No, it’s all right. We have a lot to discuss, but you have every right to still be angry. I’m still angry with myself. I think I always will be.”

  Colin wasn’t sure what to say to this woman before him. She was his mother, yet she was acting nothing like the mother he had known all his life. By God, she really did seem as if she was changing. Softening. He glanced down at his bedclothes. “Who dressed me and cleaned me up?”

  She shrugged indifferently, though now that she was close, the lines of worry and the dark circles under her eyes were obvious. She cleared her throat. “I changed you and washed the blood off.”

  “You cared for me?” Surprise spiraled through him. “That’s a first, though much appreciated. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but why did you care for me? Do you want something?”

  “I want to make amends, Colin. Nothing more.”

  “There is no need,” he said, feeling suddenly vulnerable with how his chest suddenly ached with a few hopeful words from her. “I’ve turned out perfectly all right without anything from you.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Yes, I can see that. You got yourself a split lip, eye, and according to Dr. Parks―”

  “Dr. Parks was here?” Colin asked with a frown.

  “Yes. Two days ago when you passed out, and yesterday to see how you were doing. He says your eye will heal perfectly, except for perhaps a small scar, and the concussion… well, he said we would only know if that had lasting effects once you woke and we could gauge your memory. What do you remember?” She leaned in and peered at him, the most foreign look of motherly concern on her face.

  “Unfortunately, everything,” he replied dryly. His gut turning with thoughts of Amelia.

  His mother smiled gently. “Your aunt told me about the girl and what has happened.”

  The ache of moments ago was nothing compared to the twisting pain that gripped his tattered heart now. He hoped to God Amelia could somehow forgive him and find it in her heart to love him. In fact, he couldn’t believe he had wasted two days unconscious. He had to go see her immediately and try somehow to convince her that he loved her and wanted to marry her only for her and not because of the will.

  He stood up and gazed at his mother. “Why did you stay here with me for two nights?”

  She came to him. “I told you. I want to make amends and you were hurt.”

  “No.” He shook his head. He needed more than that. “Why did you stay? You did not have to. In all the years of my childhood you never raised a hand to tend to me. Why now?”

  She sniffed and tears glistened in her eyes. “Because I love you.”

  The words were like a balm to his ears.

  “You are my son. And I want to try to make up, in some small way, for what I have done to you and what I have caused you to do to yourself.” She grabbed his arm, her thin fingers curling around his skin. “You won’t allow yourself to love and be loved, and it is all my fault. It’s because of me that you cannot trust women. When your father died, he not only left you a letter, but he left me one, as well.” She glanced at the settee in the corner. “Can we please sit for a minute?”

  “All right.” He took her elbow, and she led him to the dark green cushions.

  She took a deep breath as she sat beside him and grasped his hand. He stared at their intertwined hands, his large and hers small, and he remembered how, as a child, he had longed for her to grasp his small hand in hers. His throat ached with the old yearning.

  “Tell me what happened between you and Father,” he said simply, wanting to heal the pain and hoping she could shed some light that would help him to do so.

  “The day I went into labor with you, we almost died. The doctor demanded that your father chose who to save―you or me. Of course, your father could not make such a choice and he told the doctor to save both of us.”

  Colin nodded, his chest squeezing painfully. “Go on.”

  His mother sniffed and wiped away a tear. “W―when it seemed we would both die, it seems your father made a v―vow to God.” She took a ragged breath. “He said that if he would save us both, he would never touch me in lust again.” She paused again, and wrapped her arms around her waist, deep sadness filling her eyes. “He thought he owed this to God as penance for having believed, as his father and grandfather did, that the dukes of Aversley were above the need for God’s grace.” She stopped again, this time looking straight into Colin’s eyes. “So, he made the vow for his sin, but he believed if he ever told anyone of his sacrifice his vow would be worthless, and you and I, possibly both of us, would be taken from him.” Her voice cracked on the last sentence.

  “My God,” Colin whispered, his throat almost too tight to talk. “He never touched you again after my birth?”

  “Never.” The tears streamed down his mother’s face now, and it made the ache in Colin’s throat intensify. She swiped at the tears. “He never came to my bed again. Yet, w―worse than that, all the intimacy that had been between us was gone.” She shuddered. “Never a kiss. Never a brush of his hand against mine. And all without explanation.” Colin had to strain to hear the words, now barely above a whisper.

  “When I begged him to explain, he simply said he couldn’t. I was sure he had found another, so I set out to hurt him or make him jealous and want me again. Anything. Anything to make him see me, because I felt invisible.”

  She raked a hand through her hair. “I took lovers. Countless lovers. But he never weakened. Never explained. And when I came to believe he did not have lovers, it was worse because then it was all about me. Only me. Do you see?”

  Her voice beseeched him to understand. He nodded.

  “I was the problem. He did not want me. No longer loved me. But I truly thought he stayed with me and endured me because of his love for you. I was hurt, devastated, and so very angry. I hated him and you. He held your hand, touched your cheek, and kissed your forehead. I set out to destroy him, you, me. All of us,” she cried out.

  She pulled her hand away from Colin and wept into her palms. “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice muffled. “So very sorry. If I had only known of the vow. I could have endured it, though it would have still been awful. If I had only known…”

  He slid his hand around her shaking shoulder and pressed her head down before gently running his hand through her hair and giving her, he hoped, the comfort he had always longed for from her. How wrong they had all been about one another.

  “Shh,” he whispered soothingly.

  After a while, his mother’s cries subsided, and she raised her head. “I would have told you sooner, but I knew you would not believe me. I was hoping you would see how I had changed. I stopped taking lovers and drinking. I tried to take an interest in helping you find a bride.”

  “Lady Sara,” he said with a chuckle.

  “Yes.” She nodded. “It seems you were already in love with another.”

  “Yes, I was, and I am, but I’ve likely destroyed any chance with her.”
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  “My dear,” his mother said, running a gentle hand through his hair as he had dreamed of so many nights as a youth. “The only way you will know for certain is by going to her and pouring out your heart to her. As a woman I can tell you that when we are deeply in love we will forgive anything if only we can understand or feel forgiveness is wanted. Do you think you can ever forgive me for what I’ve done to you, your father, myself?” She glanced down at her hands. “Your friendships?”

  He pressed a kiss to her cheek, a thing he had never done before. “I forgive you.” The words were not uttered to calm her. They were simply true.

  “But you must forgive me, too. I never saw your pain, or never bothered to look. None of us made good choices,” he said, thinking how colossally stupid it had been to keep the will a secret from Amelia.

  “Go to her,” his mother said, pressing her hand to his cheek. “Go to her and win her back as I had hoped every day your father would try to do with me. I guarantee you, if she loves you, that is exactly what she is hoping for if she has any sense at all.”

  Colin grinned. “She is very sensible. Usually.”

  Amelia had never wished for anyone’s death, not even Georgiana’s after Georgiana had pushed her into the lake, but she was ashamed to admit there was the smallest part of her that wished Lord Huntington had died. When the knock had resounded on the door four days ago after her mother had told her of what that wretched man was threatening and what he had already forced her mother to do, Amelia had thanked God for the news that Lord Huntington had been injured, but she had questioned God’s leniency in letting the evil man live, at all.

  And now their time was up. Sooner than what she had expected.

  Carriage wheels turning in the drive alerted her that he was here. It was entirely too bad that all the man had sustained from his fall was a nasty cut to his head. Apparently, head injuries were not enough to keep the vile beast away for very long. She fingered the note she had intercepted that he had sent to Mother yesterday telling her he would be coming to call on her today. Call on her! Amelia snorted. How dare the man pretend, even in a note, that his visit was merely a social one?