The Bodies We Wear

by Jeyn Roberts

  It’s not until I’m on the ground that I realize that I’m not getting back inside the way I came down. Why didn’t I think of that before? My fingers close around my keys; if I’m quiet enough, I might be able to sneak in as long as Gazer actually goes to bed tonight. There have been nights when he falls asleep in his chair, his book resting in his lap.

  Leave it to me to make things more difficult.

  Not much I can do about it now.

  Earlier I typed Paige’s address into my phone to get directions. I head off toward the train. She’s a good forty minutes away. I’ll get there a bit late but it’s better than nothing.

  “You’re late.”

  Jesse stands in the living room, a glass of beer in his hand. His eyes are watery and he’s not standing very straight. I wonder how much he’s already had to drink tonight.

  When I arrived, there were so many teenagers hanging around that it seemed pointless to knock. I followed the noise and it led me around to the backyard, where dozens of kids were hanging out, talking loudly amongst themselves. Most of the school must have been there; I recognized a lot of faces, but there were some I didn’t. Paige must have invited most of the city’s entire population of underage kids.

  She lives in a very fancy area of town. I’ve never been here, never had any reason to visit. You won’t find gutter rats hanging in the alleys here. You won’t find dealers on the street corners and young girls wearing fishnet stockings and short skirts. Instead, you find large houses and gated communities with landscaping that is maintained by hired help. Paige’s home is gigantic, a massive brownstone mansion with a huge yard and a pool surrounded by fake Greek statues. There’s even a waterfall, man-made of course, that spills directly into a pond surrounded by rose bushes and expensive-looking patio furniture. It’s impressive. I’ve never known anyone who owns their own pool before.

  After gawking for a few minutes, I turned and went in through the back door, which led to a kitchen, bigger than anything I’ve ever seen before. Another door went into the living room and that’s where I found Jesse.

  “Sorry,” I say to Jesse. “I had some problems.”

  “We should deduct some of that off your paycheck,” he says. His words come out a little slurred but I’m not sure if it’s an act or not. His eyes look very alert and not drunk at all. I can’t help thinking I’m being led on for some reason. But why?

  “You made it,” Paige says. She rushes over to stand beside me, a group of girls following behind her. I recognize most of them from school but most of their names elude me. I’ve spent so much time trying to be invisible; now I’m wishing I’d spent a bit more time so I wouldn’t feel so stupid.

  Now that the girls are here, Jesse slips away. I watch him go across the room and pull out his phone. He quickly makes a call. I can’t see what he’s saying but he looks over at me a few times, not even trying to be discreet.

  That should be my first warning sign but I choose to ignore it.

  “Here.” Paige thrusts a beer into my hand. I accept it, but decide not to drink. It wouldn’t do me much good to get hammered tonight. It’s best to keep my inhibitions at a steady level. Who knows what kind of secrets I might reveal if I get sloshed. I look down at the amber liquid in my glass and wonder. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious. I’ve never been drunk before. Alcohol never factored into my plans.

  I take a sip. The liquid burns my throat in a good way. But I stop at that. I’m being paid here for a service. Heaven forbid Trevor sneaks in if I’m puking my guts out in the toilet.

  Paige leaves me to go talk to some other girls and suddenly I’m feeling very self-conscious. Even though I’ve gone to school with most of these kids for years, I don’t think I’ve ever said more than two words to any of them. Now that I’m standing here, in a living room the size of a cruise ship, wearing clothing that’s not school-issued, I can’t help feeling odd.

  And wow, are they dressed. Now that they’ve been given the chance to ditch their ties and skirts, they’ve really managed to master the ability to dress in as little clothing as humanly possible. There is a lot of bare skin in this room. Low-cut tops showing cleavage, short skirts that barely cover their asses, and bare midriffs showing off belly buttons. I wish I’d given a bit more thought to my own wardrobe tonight. I’m wearing jeans and a black shirt with a high neck. My scars are well hidden.

  They’re lucky, these girls with their ability to wear such clothing. I’d give anything to spend a single day in their place. I’d love to be able to stand proud and not be ashamed of my body. Bare skin. I’d love to feel the rain falling on my shoulders.

  I am not a monster, but the world treats me like one.

  I stand there with my drink in my hand, watching the room, my eyes scanning but never staring at anyone for very long. Paige chats with her friends and some of them turn and look at me curiously but no one comes over.

  “Having fun?”

  I know that voice. I don’t even have to turn around before I open my mouth. “You are following me.”

  “Maybe. Or perhaps I was invited.”

  I turn my head until I’m facing Chael. “You don’t go to my school. If you did, I would have seen you.”

  “Is everyone here from your school?”

  “Mostly.”

  “I guess I am following you.”

  “And I suppose you’re going to be all mysterious again. You know, I’m getting kinda tired of your tricks. Maybe you should go focus your attention elsewhere.” I point toward another girl, who has obviously had too much to drink, by the way she’s dancing. “There. She’s available. Go stalk her.”

  Chael chuckles and his eyes light up. He’s amused. Not quite what I was going for.

  “I’ll stick to you,” Chael says. “You’re much easier to find. I don’t know where she lives and I can’t be bothered to find out.”

  “But you bothered to follow me.”

  “You’re interesting.”

  “Apparently. You seem to know a lot about me already. You know I’m going to kill Rufus. What else?” I realize I touched my chest as I was talking.

  Chael watches my fingers trail along my shirt. “Yes,” he says, and his voice sounds heavy. “I know about that.”

  “Are you going to tell them?”

  “No, what kind of person do you think I am? Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I’m here to protect you, not out you.”

  “I don’t need protection.”

  “We all need protection.”

  “Not me.”

  “Why? Because you know how to fight?” Chael gives me a dazzling smile. “Revenge takes more than tossing a few knives around. It takes deliberation and determination. And it takes your heart. That’s not something you can easily get back.”

  “You sound like Gazer.”

  “He must be a very brilliant man.”

  A popular song comes on and someone cranks the volume. A very drunk girl gets up on the coffee table and starts dancing. Another boy joins her, his arms wrapped around her waist, and she giggles like crazy and lets him spin her around. Both of them end up flying off the table and onto the floor while everyone cheers.

  It just goes to show that having a lot of money doesn’t exactly make a person smart.

  “God, this is stupid,” I say.

  “Why? Because they’re enjoying themselves?”

  “Yeah, being drunk is fun,” I say sarcastically.

  “It can be. Haven’t you ever wanted to just let go like that?”

  “Like that?” I point to a guy in the corner who is throwing up in a potted plant. A girl stands beside him, giggling, and petting his back with her hand. “That’s disgusting. Who in their right mind would consider that fun?”

  “It’s more like a rite of passage, I suppose.”

  I look over at Chael and he’s leanin
g against the wall, his eyes focused on the party. “I guess that’s why I can’t understand, then. I’ve never had such luxuries as being a normal teenager.”

  “That’s your own fault.”

  If looks could kill, he’d fall over dead that very instant. “Big talk,” I snap at him. “You seem to know everything tonight. Well, you know about me, then. You know I can’t do stuff like that.”

  “Why?”

  “Why?” I slam my hand against my chest. “Because of that. I’m not like them. I’m not normal. Rufus and his friends made sure of that.”

  “You could be normal.”

  “You could quit being a jerk.”

  “Point taken.”

  I’m being a major bitch but I can’t help it. If he’s not going to play fair, then I won’t either. It creeps me out that he knows so much about me but I don’t know a single thing about him. Why the need to be so vague about everything?

  “Who are you?” I ask. I guess it never hurts to try a straightforward approach.

  “I can’t tell you.”

  I pause. “Why not?”

  “Because you wouldn’t believe me. But trust me, you will figure it out on your own. It’s better that way and I’m patient. I don’t mind waiting.”

  “That makes no sense.”

  “Neither does me being here.”

  I look into those green eyes, those familiar eyes, but I can’t remember where I’ve seen them before.

  “Is it important that I remember you?” I ask.

  He nods. “It is. But a little more time won’t hurt.”

  “Does it have something to do with Rufus?”

  Chael points over toward the door. “It does. But I think you need to focus on them right now.”

  I look over and notice that Trevor has arrived. But it’s the person he’s with that scares me the most.

  I said that Rufus was the man I most want to take revenge on. I also said that there were others.

  John “Trank” Sheffield. He’s short and stumpy and somewhere in his midthirties. He likes them young from what I’ve heard, and he’s low enough to supply the schoolgirls with all sorts of drugs to get into their pants. The night I died, he tried to cop a feel from me before Rufus pushed him away. When he held my arms back so Rufus could put the Heam in my mouth, I could feel his breath on the back of my hair as he exhaled excitedly. His breath smelled heavily like cigarettes and hot wings.

  Normally, Trank hangs out over at the strip clubs or down on the street corners where the younger gutter rats peddle their wares for doses of Heam. He’s quite a favorite among the desperate young girls. He’s been known to give them bad Heam, meaning strawberry- flavored liquid candy mixed with silver nail polish to give it that special gleam. I still find it amazing that he hasn’t been killed yet.

  He’s a disgusting pedophile who deserves to be put to death for his crimes. That puts him at number two on my list.

  And here he is, standing right in front of me.

  He’s walked in behind Trevor and a few others I don’t recognize. They’re younger, Trevor’s age. A motley crew of dropouts and dealers, exactly the kind of trash Paige hired me to keep away from her party. But seeing Trank has caught me off guard. The years haven’t been kind to him. There are lots of deep lines across his forehead and at the corners of his eyes. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him, a few months perhaps, and years since I’ve actually seen him this close. I may follow the men on my list but I rarely get close enough to get this good of a look.

  It’s not surprising that he’s hanging with the kids these days. As far as I can tell, through my research, he doesn’t get along well with people his own age. He seems to have trouble talking to them.

  But why is he here?

  When I see the grin light up Jesse’s face, I get a pretty good idea. The two approach each other and slap each other on the back. Jesse reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash, not even caring if everyone in the room sees him. Trank produces a brown paper bag of something and they make an exchange.

  “Your friends are up to no good,” Chael says.

  “They’re not my friends.”

  “Really?” Chael gives me a grin and starts tugging on his shirt in that weird obsessive way of his. “I would have thought Trank would be on your list, considering what he’s done to you.”

  “He is on my list,” I say, wondering how the hell he knows I have a list in the first place. Also, should I be threatened because he knows Trank’s name? I decide to try to get him to say more. “Seeing that you know so much about me, I shouldn’t have to tell you.”

  Chael smiles and doesn’t take the bait.

  Jesse heads off to the other side of the living room, the small package tucked discreetly inside his jacket. He approaches a group of guys who seem awfully eager to see him. But instead of giving them some of whatever’s in the bag, he pulls out a notebook and starts writing something down.

  People start giving him money. A lot of money.

  And he writes more in his notebook. It’s almost as if he’s taking orders.

  “Weird.” I look over at Chael and he’s watching Jesse too. A frown shadows his face.

  “What do you think he’s doing?” I ask.

  “My guess is taking bets.”

  “For what?”

  Chael frowns again. “I’m not sure,” he says, but I think he does know.

  Before I can question him further, things start to get a little more interesting. Paige rushes over to Jesse and starts talking to him, but not loud enough for me to hear. She’s obviously agitated, waving her arms around. Several times they both look over at me.

  Suddenly it’s very clear. How on earth didn’t I notice this before?

  “It’s a setup,” I say. “I’m here to fight Trevor.”

  “Looks that way.”

  “No problem,” I say. “I kicked the crap out of him before. I can do it again.”

  “I don’t think he’s going to fight fair this time,” Chael says, and he points to Trevor’s waist. Sure enough, I can see the flash of silver, a knife hopefully, and not a gun, sticking halfway out of his pants.

  I didn’t bring a weapon tonight. I decided against it, figuring that I wouldn’t be doing anything other than babysitting a bunch of drunks. I didn’t think Trevor would bother showing his face, not from the way Paige made it sound. She’d said he wasn’t invited and didn’t even know about it. I’d say that was nothing but a big fat lie.

  “That’s it,” I say. “I’m leaving.”

  I turn and head toward the door. I don’t even bother to look to see if Chael is trailing me; in all honesty I could care less if he is. He probably already knows where I’m going even though I haven’t got the slightest clue myself. All I know is it’s time to leave before things turn ugly.

  The front door is blocked by boys. Kids that I go to school with that I’m pretty positive have never even noticed me before tonight. They’re smiling and laughing and the joke’s on me.

  Paige comes running up behind me.

  “I had nothing to do with it,” she says in a panicked voice.

  “With what?”

  “This. Trevor being here. I had nothing to do with it.” She grabs me by the arm and I pull away.

  “Faye!” Jesse comes up and throws his arm around me, giving Paige an ugly look. I shove him away and he falls against some of his friends. A look of resentment crosses his face but only for a second. Then he smiles.

  “Leaving so soon?” he asks. “That’s a real shame because I forgot to mention your contract had a clause in it. See, Trevor here is a little offended that you managed to beat the crap out of him. He wants a second chance to mess up your pretty face.”

  “Not gonna happen,” I say.

  “Oh, I agree,” Jesse says. “That’s why I’m betting agai
nst him. But there’s a bunch of people here who think otherwise. The odds aren’t in your favor tonight.”

  “They’ll be even lower because I’m not fighting,” I say. “I’ll give you your money back on Monday. I’m not interested.”

  Jesse laughs. “You say that like you have a choice.”

  I look around and spot Chael over by the corner. He hasn’t moved. He’s watching the scene with a look of amusement on his face. He’s not going to come to my defense. Of course, he probably knows what I’m capable of doing. The others don’t. This is why I can’t fight.

  I could kill Trevor in a heartbeat.

  But I don’t want him dead. Aside from being an idiot, he hasn’t done anything that would put him on my list.

  “I have plenty of choices,” I snap at Jesse. “Trust me. I’m going through that door. And there isn’t anything that you or your friends can do to stop me.”

  “If you do that, I’ll lose a lot of money,” Jesse says. “And so will a lot of my boys. I might let them take it out on Paige.”

  “So?”

  Jesse smiles. “You saved her once. I can’t imagine you went through all that hard work just to let her go a few days later.”

  He’s got a point. I glare over at Paige and there’s a part of me that really does still want to leave. Screw her. She made her own bed. No one forced her to go out with a creep like Jesse. But at the same time, I won’t. If there’s anyone who knows what it feels like to be trapped, it’s me.

  “Fine, then,” I snap at Jesse. “But when this is over, you and I are going to have a little talk about my commission. The cost just went up. I’d say about fifty percent of the profits.”

  “And why would I do that?”

  “Because everything I do to these guys tonight, I will do to you if you don’t pay up.” Ignoring the small look of panic in Jesse’s eyes, I turn and head back toward the living room. Chael absently plays with a lock of hair, pushing it behind his ear.