The Bodies We Wear

by Jeyn Roberts

  “Do you think he’ll come back?”

  I shake my head. “I think he did something really bad. They wouldn’t say and Mom caught me listening on the stairs. So I didn’t hear.”

  “I’m here if you need me.”

  “What if you’re sleeping?”

  “Hold on a sec.” Christian’s face disappears from the window. I can hear him jump on the bed. The springs creak. Then I hear a soft knocking noise coming from our adjoined wall. A moment later, he’s back. “There. If you need me, just knock. It’ll be like Morse code.”

  “I don’t know Morse code.”

  “Neither do I,” he says with a grin. “But all you have to do is knock. I’ll know it’s you. It’ll be like I’m sleeping right beside you.”

  I place my hand against the hard wood and start knocking. I need you. I need you so bad. Don’t leave me alone in the dark. Skin rubs off my knuckles, but I keep going. No splinters in the world can stop me.

  “Faye.”

  “Chael?”

  Hands wrap around me, pulling my face upward, and there he is. Chael comes down on his knees so he’s level with me. He runs his fingers along my cheek, pushing back the loose strands of my hair. He tilts his head to the side and gives me a sad smile.

  “It’s really you,” I say. And by that, I mean he’s in his real body. For the first time since he’s come back, he finally looks comfortable in his skin. He looks like he belongs there.

  He’s beautiful.

  “It’s me,” he says. “Why’d you come? It’s not easy to go back from here. Trust me, I know.”

  “I didn’t want to be left behind again,” I say. I touch his chest with my fingers, tracing a path along his shirt. He’s so warm.

  “So you’d rather die than live? Trust me, Faye, you don’t want that.”

  “I want you,” I say.

  “And you’ll have me,” Chael says. “But not today. It’s not your time. You have to go back.”

  “No!”

  Chael gently places a hand behind my neck. He pulls me forward and kisses me. I dissolve into his arms, refusing to think about anything except this moment. How can he ask me to go back? I can’t make it without him. He’s my strength.

  “Do you see?” Chael says when he pulls away. “No hell. I told you. You hold that control. Everything that happens to you, from here on out, is because of what you think you deserve. This is your heaven. You create it and it chooses you back.”

  I look around at my empty space full of splintered hardwood. Why on earth would my brain pick such a confusing place? It’s the most frustrating puzzle in the world. Or universe. Or afterlife. Where am I?

  “Where did you go?” I ask. “When you died. I know you said it was nothing but darkness, but there’s got to be more than that.” I wave my arm around. “It can’t be just this.”

  Chael leans in and whispers in my ear, “I went where I was supposed to go.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Remember the time we pretended we were on the beach? We transformed the living room into what we used to see on those tourism posters down at the mall? We stared at them forever and imagined all the places we’d explore when we got older. But the ocean was always our favorite. That was my heaven. I was on my adventure and I was there because of you.”

  “Why me?”

  “Because it wouldn’t be heaven without you.” He takes my hand and helps me to my feet. “Do you want to see?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, but only for a minute.”

  Instantly the dark room grows foggy and the floorboards disappear. I reach out for Chael and he takes me in his arms. I close my eyes tightly until the darkness goes away.

  Until I feel the warmth on my face. I smell the saltwater.

  My feet are suddenly wet.

  I open my eyes.

  The emptiness is gone. There’s white sand all around me, stretching for miles. Above us, a seagull flies and I can see palm trees in the distance. Below, a set of footprints races away toward the bluest water I’ve ever seen. Gentle waves rush over my feet, sinking my toes into the sand. Somewhere in the middle of all this death, I lost my shoes. And I’m wearing a sundress. Blue with pink-and-yellow suns, strikingly similar to the beach towel I used to own. Never in my life have I ever dared to wear anything so summery. Normally, such a thing would look horrific on my pale skin. But when I raise my arm, I can’t help admiring how the translucent whiteness has grown tanner.

  Chael is wearing khaki shorts and no shirt. His hair falls into his eyes as a soft breeze passes by.

  “You helped create this,” Chael says. “You invented it the exact same way you built the elevator and all those shadow monsters.”

  “Impossible,” I say. “This is heaven?”

  “It’s the afterlife,” Chael says. “I have no idea if there’s a heaven or hell. At least, not the kind religions speak about. As far as I can tell, there’s only the place where you think you deserve to be.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Chael smiles and takes my hand. “You saw hell because your eleven-year-old mind thought you deserved it. All that fear and terror made you believe you’d done something terribly wrong and needed to be punished. Don’t you see? It’s our life experiences that matter, Faye. It’s the whole ‘Why do we exist?’ question. We live so that we’ll know enough about living. Without life, there is no afterlife to look forward to.”

  “So you’re saying I can change it?”

  “You did change it.” Chael points behind me and I turn to see the most perfect little beach hut. There’s a soft-looking couch on the porch and it looks exactly like the dream world Christian and I talked about all those years ago.

  I turn back to look at him. He’s holding a yellow-and-white flower. He brings it up to my nose and I inhale the sweet scent. I remember this. I saw it as a child in a travel magazine. I remember wondering how it might smell. Chael brushes my hair back and tucks the flower gently behind my ear.

  “I told you the sun would look good on you.”

  I smile because I’m completely at a loss for words. I don’t need them. There’s nothing I could say that could come close to what I’m feeling right now. I wrap my arms around him and hold on tightly, resting my head on his chest and feeling the rise and fall of it. Feeling the heat of the sun on his skin. Feeling the strength of his heart, beating against my ear.

  “But time is fleeting,” Chael finally says. “We have to get you back.”

  My stomach drops to my knees. “Let me stay with you,” I say.

  “That’s not up to me to decide,” Chael says. “You can’t get in here early. You have to wait until it’s your time. Just like everyone else.”

  I hold on to him tighter. “No.”

  “True love never dies,” Chael says. “I’ll be here for you. When it’s your turn, it’ll be my arms that bring you over.” He presses his fingers against my heart. “You have to go back for you. Don’t think about me. Think about everything you’ll truly be giving up.”

  I close my eyes and instantly see Gazer. If what Chael is saying is true, then Gazer’s wife and child are somewhere out here in their own version of paradise. What would it be? The world’s largest library? Or the peaceful cottage he told me he wanted to buy one day. The place he planned to retire to with his wife.

  Gazer needs me. He loves me. I need him too. He was the one person who cared for me when no one else wanted to.

  And what about my mother and little half sister. Is it possible I could get to know them both? My mother made a bad decision and I’ve spent my life hating her. But here, in all this beauty, I can’t hate.

  I can see a future.

  All the other Beths out there waiting in the dark. Hiding in the alleys, looking into a bottle of silver liquid. I can help them. Ramona is right. I can m
ake a difference.

  I can have meaning.

  But I can’t if I stay here.

  I pull back from Chael’s embrace. Looking into his eyes, I see nothing but love. I could stay here, forever in his arms. Wrapped inside his warmth. It would be so easy. He’s the one I’ll never stop loving.

  People spend their entire lives searching for the one person who will truly love them back. Their soul mate. That one person who understands them better than they do themselves. How lucky I was to find that love so quickly. Can I really walk away from him again?

  Yes, I can. I take a deep breath and the words slide off my tongue. “I’m ready to go back.”

  “Let me give you something to remember me by.”

  Warmth flows from his fingers against my skin. A soft pale glow spreads across my chest and into my arms and legs. It grows brighter with each heartbeat. It hurts my eyes but I can’t look away.

  And I feel it. All that pain. The yearning. The insects squirming around my brain begin to die. The addiction. That desire for Heam that’s supposed to haunt me till the end of days.

  It’s gone.

  For the first time in six years, I feel normal.

  “There’s someone waiting for you,” Chael whispers into my ear. “You have to go now. I’ll wait for you.”

  “Me too,” I say.

  “Go live your life the way you were supposed to,” Chael says, and he kisses me one last time. “I’ve always loved you. That’s not going to change.”

  “I love you too.”

  The glow inside my body explodes and everything disappears. The never-ending beach evaporates beneath my legs.

  And Chael …

  My eyes open and I’m coughing hard. I can’t breathe. Gazer is kneeling beside me, pressing down on my chest. CPR.

  Then he’s lifting me into his arms and holding me tightly. We rock back and forth while I struggle for air. My head grows dizzy. The lights hurt my eyes.

  I’m so cold.

  But I’m alive.

  “I thought I lost you,” Gazer says. “I was so scared, Faye.”

  “It’s okay,” I say. “I’m back.” Turning, I look over at Chael but he’s no longer on my living-room floor. Arnold Bozek’s body is in his place. Or rather, Chael’s gone and now I can only see Arnold as he really was.

  “What happened?” Gazer asks.

  “Rufus,” I say. “He had a needle. He stabbed Chael with Heam. I managed to chase him off. I didn’t kill him. I could have, but I didn’t.”

  Gazer nods but I can tell he’s confused.

  “Don’t you see?” I say. “I could have had my revenge but I didn’t. Even though he killed Chael a second time, I let it go. I took my power back. I didn’t want it anymore.”

  “What do you mean he killed him a second time?” Gazer reaches up and puts his hand on my forehead. “How hard did you bang your head?”

  “I’m fine,” I say. “I’m better than fine.”

  My skin is pale and clear. The scars are still there but the tug from the addiction is gone.

  Gazer is studying my face, still looking for signs of a concussion.

  “One last gift,” I say. “I’m whole again.”

  “I don’t understand,” Gazer says.

  “Let me tell you about it,” I say. “Get comfortable. This is a long story . …”

  In the end, we didn’t know what to do with the body. Gazer wanted to call the police but I talked him out of it. Arnold Bozek had been missing for a long time. There would be too many questions to answer. So we took him down to the park and placed his body gently on a park bench. Then we made an anonymous call and waited for the police to come get him.

  A Heam addict in life, Arnold didn’t have much of a chance. He hurt the people around him and fell into an empty world that didn’t care. He’ll probably never know how he saved my life. His dying allowed Christian to return to me. I wish I could meet Arnold personally to thank him for everything. Maybe one day I’ll run into Jessica again and tell her the entire story. In return, I want her to tell me everything about Arnold. Who he was. What he did. I never want to forget him.

  In the end, Arnold finally got to go home and his family got their closure.

  Gazer listened to my story but I could tell he didn’t really believe me. Not fully. That’s okay, I still don’t quite understand it myself.

  But I know and that’s all that matters.

  Believe it or not, Paige managed to get me back into school. The signatures she collected and her father’s legal action were enough for them to bend and allow me back. They tried to impose the same rules as before, but it was a lost cause. Mr. Erikson decided to give up teaching. It was a good thing too. He’s since gone on to start an awareness group that will help Heam addicts finish high school.

  Paige was there to make sure my last couple of months at school would be ones I remembered. For the first time in my life, I sat with girls my age at lunch and made friends. We went to movies and parties. We hung out. I even had a few boys ask me out, but I politely said no. It’s too soon for that.

  Gazer cried when I walked onstage and received my diploma. And although she never stopped to talk, I saw my mother sitting in the back row with a smile on her face. A few weeks later I got a birthday card in the mail. Inside was a picture of Sophie wearing some brand-new clothes. She’s a beautiful little girl. We have the same eyes.

  I haven’t gone back to visit Mom yet. But one day I will. And I’m pretty positive that next time she’ll invite me in.

  A few months later, I started college. It was the very one that Chael took me to during our first date. I haven’t been back to see the butterfly room or smell the flowers but that’s okay. When I’m ready, I’ll go.

  Paige is taking some courses with me. We study together and we go for coffee on a regular basis. We’re both so busy these days.

  I’m studying addiction. With Ramona’s help, I’m planning to get into Heam counseling. I still volunteer on weekends. Paige joins me too when she’s not too busy with homework or exams. Beth may be gone but there are a lot of other girls who need my help.

  I want to help.

  Gazer is the same. Still reading his books and helping me train in the mornings. The nice part is we’ve lost the seriousness of everything. The desperation. That complete waste of revenge time. He’s still very much the father figure. I’m the one who’s a little less stupid. What can I say? It’s hard to see the light when you’ve got so much tunnel vision.

  Speaking of light, Rufus won’t be seeing it anytime soon. Shortly after Chael’s death, Rufus was arrested for the suspicious death of Ming Bao. After his incarceration, a lot more charges suddenly came to light. I’d like to say he’s spending his days locked away in a maximum-security prison. But six months into his sentence, he was murdered. Stabbed in the back during a riot. Karma can be a real bitch in a delightful sort of way.

  But life isn’t perfect. I won’t lie and pretend it is. I killed a man. Most nights, I can’t forget. Chael was right. That sort of thing changes a person. I got away with it. No one ever came looking for me. Sometimes I can still convince myself that Ming Bao deserved it.

  Sometimes.

  It’s a slow process. There is guilt in taking a life. Guilt and pain that sneak up in the middle of the night, whispering into my ear and reminding me that all killers go to hell. Who was I to judge?

  The only thing I can do from here is move forward. I can’t forget; otherwise I’ll never heal.

  Does the afterlife exist? Isn’t that the ultimate question? Heam exists because there are always going to be people looking for it. They want the answers so they’ll be less afraid of dying when their time comes. They are the ones who can’t handle not knowing. Life has been harder on them than others. Or perhaps it’s been too good?

  Empty souls. Empty stomachs. H
eam doesn’t discriminate between those who seek it in desperation and those who try it for fun. But it needs people like me to help them become whole again.

  As for the afterlife?

  My theory is that just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. Gazer can roll his eyes all he wants, but I know better. It’s like having the world’s biggest secret, only I can’t tell a single soul. No one would ever believe it.

  But knowing the answer doesn’t make it any easier. The gates of paradise have been slammed shut in my face. For now.

  I get lonely sometimes, and at night I’ll pull the pillow up against my back to pretend Chael’s lying there beside me. I try to remember every last detail. His long dark hair falling into his eyes. The sound of his voice. The way his breath felt against my skin. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I long for him the way I used to dream about silver liquid.

  Addiction is a strange thing. Even with the physical cravings gone, the mental anguish lasts. I’m not sure it’ll ever leave me, though certain days are easier to deal with than others. I came across a couple of gutter rats not too long after, and seeing the Heam bottle still brought on a lot of nervous angst in my stomach. In a way, I’m thankful I can remember this. It’s important that I never forget. This way I’ll be able to be more successful in helping others.

  The bodies we wear can only take so much damage. We wear them down and eventually they stop working. But I now know that who we are lives on, even without our bodies. And once in a blue moon, someone can find a way to come back and try to make everything right.

  Sometimes when I’m lying in bed at night, I swear I can hear his voice calling to me across the distance. But not in pain. Never in pain.

  Chael’s waiting for me. I wonder if it gets lonely on that beach all by himself.

  And I’ll never stop missing him.

  One day I’ll get there and find him.

  But it won’t be soon. I’ve still got too much living left to do.

  Faye’s Words to Live By

  “Every blade has two edges; he who wounds with one wounds himself with the other.”