by Pandora Pine
Knox growled at Ben. “I love it when you get all rough with me.”
Ben rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Rem and Dec. “Just be honest with each other, guys. As well as you think you know each other, you can’t read minds.”
Dec nodded, without making eye contact with Ben or Rem.
“Now that we’ve put out the fire, can we please decide where we’re going on vacation?” Nash looked around the table.
Rem cleared his throat and set a hand on top of Declan’s. “Gee, Dec, I’d love it if you came with us on vacation to wherever the hell it is we’re going.”
“Fine.” Dec folded his arms over his chest. “But you’re paying.”
10
Instead of sitting on the sidelines while Dec got Gemma ready for bed, Rem joined in. He sat on the closed toilet in the bathroom while Gemma and Dec talked excitedly about going on vacation. He hadn’t seen Gemma this excited about anything in what felt like years.
The group of friends had settled on spending the week at Mighty Moose Lodge in the Lakes Region of New Hampshire. The lodge’s claim to fame, aside from a full-sized bronze sculpture of its namesake in the lobby, was its indoor water park.
There was a wading pool and a series of water slides that dumped into the main pool. For the less adventurous, there was a lazy river. Rem wanted nothing more than to spend the entire week floating on a lazy raft, but knew Gemma would be head-over-heels about trying out the water slides.
With as excited as she was over going on vacation, Rem figured getting her down for the night would take hours, but Gemma fell asleep after only one drink of water and two books.
While Dec had been in the shower singing a montage of the Spice Girls greatest hits, Rem had been popping a bag of microwave popcorn. Even though he knew it was bad for him, Dec loved the stuff. He wanted to start their talk off on the right foot and the way to Declan’s heart was definitely through his stomach.
He was setting the bowl of popcorn and two bottles of water on the dining room table when Dec walked in, his coppery hair still damp from his shower.
Rem wanted nothing more than to twist his fingers through the wet locks of hair and pull his ex in for a kiss that would show the stubborn man, without a shadow of a doubt, that there was still something left between them that was worth saving.
"Trying to bribe me with Orville Redenbacher?"
"Is it working?" Rem wanted to keep the mood as light as possible for as long as possible.
Dec nodded and grabbed a handful of popcorn out of the bowl. "You were saying you wanted to go back in time." Dec pulled out a chair and sat, giving Rem his full attention.
Rem had a feeling Dec was going to remember his line word for word. "I think we've established what a dick I've been since that night with the plumber two years ago."
"We have," Dec said with no hint of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you remember what our lives were like before we broke up?" Rem asked, his voice wistful.
"Of course I do, it's an awful lot like the last week has been,” Dec shrugged, “just with a few differences."
"By differences, you mean my five-year-old daughter and the sex drought?" Rem waggled his eyebrows.
Dec offered a small smile. "Like I said earlier at Nash’s house, it was so easy to fall back into my comfortable role here with you. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved cooking and helping to take care of you and Gemma, but you can't blame me for not wanting to get physical when I can't even get you to talk to me about what the hell is going on between us."
"What do you want to go on between the two of us?" It was the coward's way out, asking Dec what he wanted rather than speaking what was in his heart.
Dec took a deep breath. The look in his eyes said he was thinking hard about Rem's question. "I miss you. I miss what we were together when we weren't fighting."
"I miss us too." Rem had missed their relationship even before Dec had told his version of events with the plumber. "I missed not having you to come home to or fall asleep with every night."
"I get it. I really do, but playing house for Gemma's sake isn't fair to any of us. I want to help the two of you find your way to a peaceful home together, but it's not fair to hijack me back into your life like this."
Is that what Dec thought? That Rem was hijacking him? "It started off with me just being so thankful that you could get Gemma to take her bath and go to bed without having a meltdown, but then it morphed into me being so damn happy you were home with me again."
"It did feel good to be home." Dec made air quotes over home. "But, this isn't my home anymore and you're not my boyfriend."
Dec's words, though not untrue, were like a dagger to his heart. "My feelings for you are still here." Rem rubbed the heel of his hand against his heart, as if it could soothe the ache there. Spending the last week with Declan had made his feelings grow even stronger.
Dec got up and paced around the small kitchen. He wore a tortured look on his face, like he was battling over what he wanted to say. "I still have feelings for you too. I tried so hard to get over you Rem, and I haven’t been able to.”
It was easy to see the way Declan's heart and head were battling each other. Rem had shattered his lover’s heart when he’d broken up with him and refused to return any of his calls. It took a really big man to forgive that kind of asshole behavior. "It means a lot to hear you say that. What comes next?"
"Hell if I know." The look on Declan’s face said that he did know, but Rem could see there was fear in his blue eyes.
"If we're gonna talk about this we've got to be honest, like Doctor Ben said." Rem was willing to take Ben’s word on just about anything after the way he’d helped Tucker and Bronson last year, but in this case, he didn’t need blind faith in Ben to take his advice. Being honest was the best policy with Declan.
Dec cracked a smile and slumped back into his seat at the table. "You do realize he's a pediatrician, right? He treats runny noses and diaper rash. He's not a shrink."
"Pediatrician or not, he's still right."
"Fine." Dec reached for another handful of popcorn, thoughtfully crunching until it was all gone.
"Would you be willing to consider getting back together?" Rem knew he was jumping the gun, but all he wanted was one chance to get back together with Declan.
"I would be willing to think about it, but," Declan drawled slowly, "there have to be boundaries."
"What kind of boundaries?" Rem was willing to agree to almost anything if it gave him one more chance with Declan.
"We need to fix the things that broke us up in the first place."
Rem knew Dec was talking about his insecurity and jealousy. "Okay. I mean I can tell you I've worked on my self-confidence issues, but until you see that for yourself, my word doesn't mean much."
Dec set a hand on the pile Rem had made with his own. "I promise not to flirt with other men."
Rem sucked in a deep breath. So many of their old fights centered on Dec's flirtatious nature. It was on the tip of his tongue to lay into Dec. To tell him Rem had known all along he was flirting with other men, but he stopped dead in his tracks. It was that kind of behavior that had thrown their relationship off in the ditch in the first place. "I appreciate you saying that.”
Smiling sheepishly, Dec lifted one of Rem's hands and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of his knuckles. "It means more to me that you didn't launch into a rehash of our old fights."
"It took a lot of courage to admit your part in what broke us up. What kind of man would I be if I pounced on you in your weakest moment?"
"A drop-dead sexy one." Dec waggled his eyebrows.
Rem laughed. It felt good to get this all out in the open with Declan. "Speaking of sex..."
Dec leaned forward. "I was hoping you'd want to talk about that. What happened between us the other night was amazing, but what would you think if we held off on being physical? For now."
Every time Rem looked at Dec he wanted to kiss his lips o
ff. Being this close to him and not being able to touch him was torture, but if it’s what Dec needed to consider getting back together, he’d do it. “Okay, fine. No sex and I won’t try to pressure you into changing your mind.”
"We're leaving on Saturday to go to the lodge. Maybe while we're there it could be a trial run, of sorts, for trying to start over. You know, to see if we can do it without our old demons getting in the way.”
Declan sucked in a deep breath. “I’m not saying no, Rem, but I can’t say yes yet either. I just need more time to sort my head out.”
“I don’t understand. You say that all you’ve wanted for the last two years was for us to get back together and now that I’m offering us both that chance, you’re backing out?”
“I’m not backing out. I still have feelings for you. There is so much at stake now with Gemma. I need to make sure I want to get back together for the right reasons.” Dec folded his arms over his chest.
Rem couldn’t deny understanding where Declan was coming from. If it had just been the two of them to consider, Rem would have fought harder to get Dec to agree to try their relationship again. As much as he hated to admit it, Declan was right. He had more to lose than just a possible second chance at love. “I promise to give you all the time you need. In return, I need you to promise me something.”
“Anything. Just name it.” Declan pushed forward in his seat.
“As soon as you figure things out, tell me. Don’t leave me hanging.” Rem hated being this vulnerable.
“I would never do that to you. The last thing I want is for either of us to get hurt.” Declan pulled Rem into a hug. “How about a movie? I’ll share my popcorn with you.”
Rem snorted and pulled away from Declan. This wasn’t the outcome he had wanted, with Declan saying he needed more time to think about the two of them getting back together. On the other hand, maybe it wasn’t the worst answer either. “What movie did you have in mind?”
"How about the least sexy movie we've ever seen?"
"Bridesmaids?"
"Doctor Ben was totally wrong when he said you couldn't read my mind."
XX
Declan pressed the mute button on the remote control, silencing Don Wildman and his latest Mystery at the Museum. He'd seen this episode three times already and practically knew the dialogue by heart.
Rolling onto his back from his side, Dec watched the flickering light of the television dance over the living room ceiling. He could still feel residual adrenaline pumping through his body, making him feel on edge.
He still couldn't believe Rem had asked him to get back together. Yesterday, it had been the one thing he wanted more than his next breath, but now that he was facing the situation in reality rather than fantasy, Dec realized there were some things he needed to work out in his own mind before he could give Rem an answer.
Chief among them was Rem's reason for wanting to get back with him. With him serving as a balm between Rem and Gemma, Declan wasn't quite sure if Rem wanted him back because he loved him and wanted to give their life together another try or simply because Gemma was happier with Declan around.
During their first go-round, Declan had loved Gemma with his whole heart. Being that little girl's uncle was a dream come true for him. This time around, he'd be her parent.
The title or extra responsibility it brought along with it didn't bother Declan in the slightest. What did bother him was what would happen if he and Rem couldn't make it work between them.
Gemma had already lost her mother. Dec didn't think the little girl would survive losing him as well. She was too young to know that much loss. She deserved a loving family who was committed to staying together come hell or high water.
Declan knew he was in it for the long haul, but what he didn’t know was if Rem could say the same thing. It wasn’t fair of him to judge Rem against his past, but his ex was the one who’d ended their relationship without letting Dec explain what had happened with the plumber.
Did Gemma deserve to lose her second chance at a family because Rem was prone to flying off the handle?
Dec sighed and sat up on the couch. His light blue blanket puddled on his hips. If he'd learned anything in the last few weeks, it was that Gemma was a tough kid, tougher than all of the adults around gave her credit for.
Was he really going to say no to a second chance with Rem because of how it would affect Gemma? Or was it because he wasn't the one who wouldn't survive if their relationship went belly up a second time?
Hearing a tiny mewl at his feet, Dec looked down to see Blackie brushing against his ankle. "Well, hello Miss Blackie." He scooped the tiny cat up and brushed her silky fur against his skin.
He was about to set the cat down when Gemma started to scream.
"NO! Mommy don’t leave me! NO!"
Setting the cat down on the coffee table, Dec bolted for Gemma's bedroom, nearly running headlong into Rem who'd made it to her doorway a step ahead of Dec.
"Gemmy?" Rem lightly shook Gemma's shoulder.
Dec set his hand over Rem's as his ex tried to wake the little girl from her dream.
"Mommy?" Gemma asked softly.
"No honey. It's Uncle Remy and Dec."
Declan could feel Rem and Gemma's grief course through his own body. He'd just been thinking about how strong Gemma had been, dealing with her mother's death and now here she was screaming over some kind of nightmare.
"Do you want to talk about your dream?" Rem asked gently.
Gemma wiped her fists against her eyes and looked back and forth between them. "Mommy and I were at the beach looking for treasures. She told me how much she loved me and then..." Gemma hiccupped while fresh tears coursed down her cheeks.
Declan dreaded hearing what happened next.
"Then what, sweetheart?"
"Then she disappeared. I was all alone on the beach."
Rem turned to look at Dec with a helpless look in his dark eyes.
“Did Mommy say anything else besides I love you?”
Rem scowled at Dec, clearly not understanding why Declan wasn't trying to soothe Gemma.
"She said Uncle Remy loved me too."
Dec laughed. "Of course she did, honey."
Rem looked like he was about to argue with Dec, but before he could say a word, Declan set a hand on Rem's shoulder.
"I think that dream was your Mommy visiting you."
"You do?" Gemma's eyes grew wide.
"I do. The only way Mommy can give you a message now is through your dreams and she gave you the two very special messages."
"That she still loves me even though she lives in heaven now?"
"That's right. And what was the other special message?"
Gemma turned to Rem, setting a tiny hand on his cheek. "That Uncle Remy loves me too."
"He does, sweetheart. So much." Dec exchanged a small smile with Rem.
"I know he does."
Rem snorted. "How do you know, honey?"
"Because you got me Blackie and we're going on vacation and you don’t get mad when I’m mean to you."
"Those are good ways to know that Uncle Remy loves you. Do you think it would help more if he told you he loves you?"
Rem shot Declan a surprised look.
Gemma nodded.
"I love you, Gemmy," Rem whispered.
"I-I love you too."
Rem scooped Gemma into his arms and held her tight.
"I love you too, Dec." Gemma reached out a hand to Declan.
"Of course you do! Everyone loves me." Dec giggled and pressed a kiss to Gemma's messy head.
Rem rolled his eyes and raised an eyebrow.
"Do you think Mommy will visit me again in my dreams?"
"I hope so, honey."
"She wasn't sick anymore."
"She wasn't?" Rem's voice was filled with wonder.
"No, she looked beautiful like before she got sick."
"Does it make you feel better to know she's all better?"
Gemma nod
ded against Rem's neck.
"Me too." Dec whispered.
Gemma sat back, looking between Dec and Rem. "I think Mommy wants you and Dec to get back together."
"You do?"
"Yup!" Gemma yawned and snuggled back down into her pillow already looking like she was half-asleep.
Dec gave Rem a questioning look, while Rem pulled the covers up and kissed Gemma again. He reached for Dec's hand and pulled him out into the hallway.
"Why isn't Roma visiting me in my dreams?" Rem sounded lost.
Dec hated the sad, lost look in Rem's eyes. "She didn't need to visit you. She delivered her message through Gemma."
"Yeah, but I need her too."
"I know you do, Rem, but maybe she got sidetracked by Jim Morrison or John Lennon."
Rem snorted. "That sounds like Roma. Gemma said she was beautiful again."
Dec pulled Rem into his arms. "She was always beautiful."
"I miss her so much."
"I know you do." Dec could feel Rem's tears against the side of his neck. They'd spent so much time trying to deal with Gemma's grief that he'd never given a second thought to how Rem was coping with his own.
"Come on. Let's get you tucked back into bed." Declan tugged Rem in the direction of the master bedroom.
"I know you're not ready to get back together, but will you stay with me?"
It wasn't often Dec saw this vulnerable side of Rem and this was the second time tonight. "Yeah, but if you start snoring, I'm out the door."
Rem laughed. "Ah, excuse me, but you're the one who snores."
11
Mighty Moose Lodge was even more incredible in person. The White Mountains framed the hotel from behind and true to their name, Rem could see snow on the some of the higher peaks.
"Jesus, they still have snow on the mountains," Knox moaned from behind him.
"It's beautiful, but I can't imagine living up here year-round." Rem shivered in response to the thought.
"I could!" Ben was all smiles. "You can roll out of bed and go skiing."
"I didn't know you skied." Knox shot Ben a shocked look.
"I don't, but if I lived here, I would." Ben grinned, his steely eyes dancing.
