by Willow Aster
“I’m afraid I’m never going to get over Jaxson.”
I put my face in my hands and weep.
“Well, there’s your answer—why aren’t you with him?” she asks, her hand on my back.
“I don’t trust that he’ll stay,” I whisper. “And if things don’t work out with him, I will lose him for good.”
AS IT TURNS OUT, things fall into place sooner than I expected. I see Miles in class on Monday. We go out on Tuesday and Friday, stealing kisses in the car and at the park. Another week goes by, and it’s fun with Miles…exciting even. I like him so much. He makes me happy without making me feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel confident and in control, which is liberating.
And I hear nothing from Jaxson.
Another few days go by and I come to the realization that I have probably lost him for good either way. It hurts…terribly…but I distract myself with a jillion other things so I don’t have to think about it so much.
And then…
I’ve been waiting for your answer and then realized that WAS your answer…when you left me standing there. Duh. Why haven’t you told me before how slow I am?
I see the dots showing he’s typing and wait.
Anyway. I am gearing up for another round of pursuing and/or only friendship and thought I better let you know I’m still here. Whatever we are, whenever, however, wherever, and all the other evers…that’s me…right there…evering.
There’s a brief pause and then ding.
It sounded better in my head than typed here, but hopefully, you get the point.
P.S. Can I see Winston soon? I know you have full custody, but I’d really like at least every other weekend…in some capacity.
I’m a mess, laughing and then crying…and laughing again.
Dave calls while I’m reading over the texts again and I answer right away. He never calls.
“Is everything okay?” I don’t even say hello.
“Yes!” he says. “Everything is fine. I wondered if you could come home this weekend. I need to talk to you about something.”
“Oh. Sure! I’ve been meaning to get home before now anyway. And I don’t have a wedding this weekend. I can come Friday night and spend the weekend. Does that work?”
“That will be great.”
“You’re not gonna give me any hints?”
“Nope,” he says.
“You’re being very strange, but I’ll see you Friday, I guess.”
I don’t give it too much thought and type before I can change my mind.
Me: I’ll be home this weekend. Hang out on Saturday?
I will live for Saturday.
Me: Such a flair for the dramatic.
Only where you’re concerned.
I call Miles and he picks up on the first ring.
“Hello!” He sounds so happy, I smile.
“Hi! Weird, we’ve never talked on the phone.”
“I know. It’s nice, though. You’ve got a sexy voice.”
“Ha. Yeah.” I laugh. “I wanted to let you know I need to change our plans for this weekend.”
“Oh, okay. Sure.” He sounds bummed. “That’s fine.”
“Dave asked me to come home to talk about something and then Saturday I’ll be seeing Jaxson. I need to see my mum too,” I add.
“Right. Okay.” He doesn’t sound quite as lighthearted anymore, and I hate that I’ve put that worry in his voice.
“I’ll see you tomorrow…and a rain check on our date,” I say.
WHEN I SEE Miles on campus the next day, he’s subdued. Finally, I just confront it head-on.
“What’s up?” I ask.
His jaw clenches and he turns to me, a confused look on his face.
“I can’t help but wonder if I’m crazy to fall for you,” he says.
“You’re falling for me?” I ask, smiling.
“Can you not tell? I know we’re taking things slow here, but…yeah…I’ve always been crazy about you. I just…I want to say…” He takes my hand and runs his thumb along the top of it. “I’ve always regretted not fighting harder for you in high school. And when I hear you’re going to hang out with Jax, I can’t help but feel I’m right back there all over again.” He tugs me to him and smooths one of my curls back. “This time around is much, much better, now that I can do this anytime I want.” He kisses my face and I laugh. He puts his arms around my waist and I look up at him, getting nervous by his expression. “When I asked you about him before, you said he wants more and that it’s complicated. Does he know you’ve been hanging out with me?”
“Yes.”
“Okay…when you say you’re friends…are you friends with benefits?” he asks.
“We’re not having sex, if that’s what you’re asking…”
“Are you kissing friends?”
My face heats up and I remember the kiss. It makes my stomach turn over just thinking about it. “We’ve kissed, but it’s not a regular thing.”
“When was the last time?”
I pull away from him and stare at him, the blood pumping in my throat. “He was at my apartment when I got back from my first date with you. I didn’t know he was coming…he just showed up.”
“And you just happened to kiss him that same night that you kissed me…” He balls up his fists and turns his back to me. “God, Mira. I thought this was a dumb little tirade I was going on…but turns out it’s not. Were you ever going to tell me?”
“You and I weren’t exclusive and I think Jaxson knew he and I weren’t going to continue in that direction, so no, probably not. Should I have? I’m sorry.”
He turns around and looks so hurt. I feel like a horrible person. “Yeah, you should’ve. No—I don’t know. I think I’ve gotta take a step back. I like you so much. But I think you’re going to break my heart all over again.”
I hold my hand out to him and he takes it.
“I know I just said I should’ve fought harder, but…I don’t think I’m cut out to fight. I want someone to only want me.”
“It’s what you deserve,” I tell him. “You’re the perfect guy in every way.”
“I’m just not Jax.”
He walks off and I don’t try to stop him. At this point, I don’t need to be with anyone. I can’t keep hurting people.
29
PAST
2014
It’ll take a few days to write about this night. I’ll be back later…
AFTER THAT NIGHT at Jaxson’s, things were good between the two of us. He’d occasionally chat with me at my locker before school started and we went surfing a few times. Miles was still being nice and even went surfing with us once, but he didn’t ask me out again.
As far as I was concerned, I was ecstatic with the way things were. I had my friend back and I hadn’t lost my new friend either. Heather looked like she wanted to kill me whenever we crossed paths, but I made sure to stay out of her way as much as I could.
I was doing homework one night and got up to stretch for a few minutes when I heard rocks at my window. I walked over and lifted the window.
“Come on up—what are you waiting for?” I called down.
“Permission,” Jaxson said, grinning. He bounded up the tree and crawled inside, dusting off a few stray leaves. “I can’t stay long. Charles is hounding me about my college choice and I have to go back and fight it out with him…” He waved off my concern. “It’ll be fine. I’m okay working for him the rest of my life—I actually love it there—as long as I can go study music too.”
I made a face. “Okay, hold your ground.” We bumped fists.
“So, I have a question and you can totally say no, but I hope you’ll say yes.” His shyness was so out of character, I got nervous.
I tilted my head. “Okay?”
“Will you go to Homecoming with me?” He shifted from one foot to the other, antsy.
“Oh! I was not expecting that,” I said.
“Are you going with someone else?”
“Uh,
no.”
He lifted his brows waiting for an answer.
“Yes! I’d love to go with you.”
“Yeah?” He walked over to me and took my hand, then wrapped his other arm around me, hugging me tight. “Thanks, Bells. It’ll be great.”
I closed my eyes and completely floated into dreamland with his hug. He chuckled quietly into my hair and turned us around so that I was facing where he’d been before…the mirror. I cringed. He’d seen me bask in his hug.
I pulled away from him, my face on fire.
“Hey, come back here,” he said. “That was feeling really nice to me too.” He put his hands on my shoulders and leaned down, kissing the tip of my nose. Then he kissed my left cheek, and my right…and paused over my lips.
“Did you know, in a way, I’ve always idolized you, Bells? Put you on a pedestal. You are…” He licked his lips and I could see his pulse in his neck. “My ideal. My dream girl. Someone I could never be good enough for, but when you look at me the way you do, I want to try to be. One day I hope to be someone worthy of you…if you’ll even have me by then.” He nuzzled his nose into my neck and I melted into him.
Is this really happening? But when I really thought about what he was saying, I pulled back, my hands resting on his chest. “You’re worthy of whoever you want, Jaxson. I’m the same person I always was, even if circumstances have changed along the way, and so are you. You don’t have to do anything to be good enough for me. You already are. Just as you are,” I added, giggling.
“So very Darcy of you,” he said, laughing.
We’d had to put up with our mums watching Bridget Jones’s Diary at least five times one summer and that was just the first movie. For years, I could recite nearly every line. I hadn’t hated it as much as I’d pretended to with Jaxson. Or at all really, but I’d take that to my grave.
He tugged me to him for another hug and sighed. “I just don’t ever want to wreck this again with you.”
“Then don’t,” I told him.
I TOLD my mum about Homecoming, and she was beside herself, but other than that, I didn’t say a word. I didn’t want people talking about it…I didn’t want Heather to feel like we were rubbing it into her face when she couldn’t even go. And maybe a small part of me was still pinching myself that it was even happening.
I found my dress with Liesl. It was the perfect mixture of demure and sexy, with blue lacy appliques over a simple, nude A-line dress. My waist looked tiny in it—I kept turning sideways, in shock still that I even had a waist—and my boobs didn’t look like I could topple over at any second. It was as if I’d finally grown into my body; everything had stretched out and found its rightful place.
“Teenage metabolism,” my mum must have said with envy a hundred times over the past few months.
When the night finally came, Liesl did my hair in a low updo with loose braids tucked into artful swirls, and I had fun with my favorite Charlotte Tilbury eyeshadow palette and red lipstick. Mum flitted in and out, bringing hot tea and cookies and salad. I was too excited to eat, which was a first.
When we were done, I turned to face Mum and she gasped.
“I’ve never seen your eyes look so blue,” Liesl said in awe. “You have to recreate this—you have found your look.”
“It’s a little much for school, don’t you think?” I laughed.
“Never!”
Mum was still staring at me when the doorbell rang and she jumped out of her skin. She clutched her heart, laughing, and ran down to let Jaxson in.
It was like a dream when I walked down the stairs and Jaxson stared up at me, looking crushingly handsome in his suit. His waves were tamed and his eyes glistened like the water we used to snorkel in…he was devastating.
“I’m speechless,” he said, his voice gravelly.
“You look…so handsome,” I said quietly.
“You…take my breath away,” he said. He chuckled somewhat awkwardly and then held up a pretty box. “I couldn’t get the typical thing for you. Because you’re not…typical. I hope you like it. It reminded me of you.”
I opened the box, my fingers shaky, and inside was an antiqued champagne flower bracelet with a brooch in the middle, held together with two strands of pearls.
I looked at him, wide-eyed. “Jaxson!”
Pleased, he stepped forward and helped me put it on. “You like it?”
“I love it.” I held out my arm, admiring the way it looked against my skin and my dress.
Anne had asked if we could take pictures at the beach behind their house, so we drove over there, Mum included, and as soon as we stepped out of the car, they had a picture fest. It was a bit uncomfortable just how excited they were. I didn’t want them to scare Jaxson off; I still wasn’t sure this was even a date. For all I knew, we were two friends going to a dance. But he put up with every picture—his arm around my waist, smiling down at me, standing with my back to his chest and both arms around me…we covered them all.
On the way to the school, we kept glancing at each other and smiling. One time he stared a little too long and shook his head, rubbing his hand over his face.
“It’s hard to concentrate on driving or anything else when you look like that,” he said. “Eyes on the road…”
I laughed, feeling a rush of butterflies take flight in my chest.
We’d spent so much time taking pictures that the dance was well underway when we got there. When we walked in, it felt like every eye in the room turned and stared at us. He laced his fingers through mine and we walked straight to the dance floor. It was a fast song, but he pulled my waist flushed to his, arms wrapping around me, and his forehead leaned on mine.
“I don’t want this night to end,” he said. “This is every dream I’ve ever had, right here, with you.”
My heart galloped away from me and I drank him in, soaking up every word. “This is all I’ve ever wanted,” I whispered. “You and me…”
His lips lowered to mine and it was the sweetest, softest, breath of a kiss. We swayed in time with the music and I pulled him in closer, kissing him harder. His breath caught in my mouth and I loved knowing I affected him that way.
And then I was yanked out of his arms and pushed back, forcing me to bump into the other couples dancing. Heather stood in front of Jaxson, shaking and enraged. I watched in slow motion as she slapped him and then ran out of the auditorium. Jaxson looked at me, stunned. When it switched to apologetic in the next second, it was like mud dousing all the butterflies. I staggered backward and he ran after Heather.
I felt a hand on my elbow and turned. Derek led me off of the dance floor and to the punch bowl. He handed me a glass and I took it from him, numb.
“She won’t let go of him so easily,” he said. A pained laugh burst out of him and he rubbed his mouth as if to shut it back inside. “Believe me, I’ve tried everything.”
“You love her?” I asked.
He nodded. “Since third grade. But I’m not the one she wants.”
“I’m sorry,” I said softly.
I didn’t like that he’d gone behind his best friend’s back, but I understood him more than I had before. A little too well.
“You’re a smart girl…beautiful…I’d be rooting for you to be with Jax so I could have a clear path to Heather, but I don’t wish this feeling on anyone,” he said. “You should run while you’ve got a chance.” He ducked his head and walked away.
I looked around and didn’t see any sign of Jaxson. I walked to the nearest table and sat down and then couldn’t be still, so I stood up and fidgeted. The tones from all the dresses swished together like a watercolor. I don’t know how long I stood there waiting for him to come back, but eventually, the floor cleared and people began to leave.
“Are you okay?”
I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned. Miles stood there, concerned.
“Do you have a date tonight?” I asked.
“N-no…” he said.
“Do you think you could tak
e me home?”
We were quiet all the way home, and when we pulled up to my house, Miles stopped the car and turned to face me.
“I’m just going to say this. You look like an angel tonight.” He put his hand on my cheek and moved closer. “I’m sorry you’re sad,” he said softly.
He looked so sincere and I was so grateful; when he closed the distance between us and kissed me, I didn’t stop him.
30
PRESENT
When the bottom drops out, that’s when the good fills in the spaces, sinking into every crevice until you can’t remember there was ever a hole.
The good came just in time, Diary.
I need to remember that it always will…sometimes in its own time, but it will.
BEFORE I STEP inside the house, I chant out loud, “Be positive. Be positive. Be positive.”
“Who are you tryin’ to convince—me or you?” Dave asks, stepping around the corner of the house with the garbage cans rolling behind him.
I laugh, embarrassed. “Caught me.”
“What’s up?”
“Ah…it’s been a long week,” I tell him. “I don’t want to talk about that, though! I want to hear what was so important that you called me on the phone…”
“I know—that ancient device that no one actually ever talks on anymore.” He parks the garbage cans and motions to the door. “Come on, let’s go in. It’s good to see you.”
“You too.”
Dave washes his hands and I sit at the kitchen table, waiting for him. Once he dries his hands, he holds up a finger and leaves the room. Really curious now, I nearly follow him out, but he’s back before I stand up…holding a little black velvet box.
He sets it on the table and my eyes go wide.
“Is that what I think it is?” I ask.
He motions for me to take a look. I carefully open the box and inside is a stunning solitaire with an infinity platinum band.
“Stunning,” I breathe.
I look up at him and he’s nervous, waiting for me to say more.
“It’s the prettiest ring I’ve ever seen.”
He lowers his head and reaches over to take my hand. “I did this backward. I should’ve waited on the ring until after I’d asked your blessing, but…I saw that ring and just went for it!” He laughs and pats my hand and my eyes well up. “Hence the call!” His shoulders shake and I laugh too because I’ve never seen him so flustered.
