by Willow Aster
“Mum will totally say yes, and of course, you have my blessing! You coming into our lives was the highlight of my senior year and every year since. It feels like we’ve loved you forever.” I wipe the tears from my cheek and beam. “This will be the best wedding ever.”
His eyes are misty as he looks at me. “Thank you, Mira. It means the world to me to know you’re happy about this. You and Vanessa are a package deal and I love you so much. I hope you know that.”
I lean across the table and hug him, crying into his neck. I cry so hard that eventually he pulls away.
“Hey, are you sure you’re okay?” he asks, reaching for the box of tissues.
“I’m so happy about this. Really, I am.” I hiccup and then laugh at myself. “You know, I’ve always thought I was pretty well-adjusted…not having a dad around and all that. I wonder if maybe I’m not so much…” I blow into the tissue. “I think I might have to deal with that pretty soon.” I sigh. “But you…” My lip wobbles again. “You have never failed to make me feel valued and loved. Like a real dad should.”
“Loving you and your mother are the easiest things I’ve ever done,” he says.
I THINK about Dave’s words all the way to the restaurant. I didn’t want to infringe on their romantic dinner, but Dave insisted that I be a part of it, so I’m in the back seat half-listening to their conversation up front.
What if loving someone really is as easy as this?
I know it didn’t come to my mum easily. She grieved over my dad for years, both while they were together and after he left. It certainly didn’t come easily for my dad, who’d been able to walk away from us and never look back. Jaxson and I have skirted around each other for years, too afraid to love at the same time…out of sync. Miles—I don’t know if he feels anything like love for me, but he has felt more for me than I feel for him since we met in high school. Why is it easy for some and not for others?
Charles and Anne are already at our table, no sign of Jaxson. I feel like I’m an outsider looking in—not because anyone leaves me out or makes me feel that way, but because I have a hard time shutting off all the thoughts. It’s like I’m closing in on something important but haven’t figured out what it is yet. I try to shake it for now, especially when I realize the moment is here. Dave is asking Mum to marry him.
She whimpers when she sees him get down on one knee and everyone in the restaurant turns to watch. She’s shaking and saying, “Yes!” before he fully says the words. We all laugh and clap when he slides the ring on her finger and kisses her.
“Did all of you know this was happening tonight?” Mum says, wiping her tears with her napkin.
“No idea,” Anne says, practically jumping out of her seat.
“Only Mira.” Dave winks at me.
I reach across the table and put my hand on theirs. “I’m so happy.”
JAXSON TEXTS before I get into bed.
Congratulations! I heard Dave is in for the long haul.
Me: It was pretty great—he got down on one knee and everything. I think we might have a wedding around Christmas.
No need to wait when you know what you want.
I set my phone on the nightstand. Everything Jaxson says lately feels like it has a double meaning, and I’m exhausted trying to keep up with him. I look at my phone and pick it back up.
Me: I’m afraid I won’t be able to hang out this weekend. Mum wants me to go dress shopping with her. Between work and school, weekends are going to be insane until January.
Okay.
Can I watch Winston while you shop?
Me: That would be great actually.
What time can I pick him up?
Me: I’m leaving early, but he’ll be okay here until you’re ready to get him.
He types and the dots go away. That repeats for a few minutes.
Okay.
MUM WANTS to have breakfast at The Cottage on Fay Avenue and lay out the plans for the day. Anne and Liesl show up at the house at seven thirty with Jaxson on their tails, looking very well-rested despite the hour.
He kisses Mum on each cheek, congratulating her, and then turns and does the same to me.
“You’re looking lovely this morning, Bells,” he says sweetly.
“As are you,” I say with a little curtsy.
He lifts a brow and then scowls when Winston growls at him. “It’s too early in the day for that,” he says, laughing.
I hand Winston to him and my puppy looks betrayed. “I’ll be home soon,” I whisper in Winston’s ear, kissing his face.
“I’m totally envying a dog right now...didn’t know that was possible,” Jaxson says.
The ladies laugh and I flush. I haven’t seen him since we kissed and it’s hard to look at him without thinking of that.
“All right, we better head out,” I say in a singsong voice, backing away from Jaxson so I can breathe.
He holds Winston up to his face and they are a picture I will not be able to get out of my head. “We’ll be waiting,” he says.
LIESL PULLS out a wedding binder three inches thick at breakfast. She is not messing around. She’s mapped out the order of the shops we need to try and even has pictures of dresses she thinks will be perfect on my mum.
“Did you just have this on hand or—?”
“I didn’t sleep after she told me the news last night,” Liesl beams, “and I had the notebook, so I just started filling it up.”
“Impressive.”
“Well, we don’t have a lot of time.” She looks at Mum. “Are you serious about a Christmas wedding?”
“If you think we can pull it off.”
“You’ll most likely have to wear either a sample gown or something ready-to-wear, but there are lovely options out there…especially at these places.” She taps her finger on two of the shops.
“It’s my second wedding and the next massive affair we have should be Mira’s wedding.”
They all look at me and smile and I yelp.
“I can’t even keep a boyfriend!”
Anne and Mum exchange looks.
“What?” I ask.
“Oh, I just have a heartsick boy at my house, that’s all.” Anne laughs. “Don’t worry,” she holds her hand up when she sees my face fall, “I think it’s good for him. Lord knows he put you through the wringer in high school. Just…don’t make him wait too long, eh?”
WHEN WE GET HOME, Jaxson is in my room looking miserable. “He’s hidden under the bed all day. I can’t get him to come out. He hates me.”
“He’ll come around,” I tell him.
When Winston hears my voice, he runs out and twirls madly around my feet. I bend down and he licks my face, beside himself with excitement.
I laugh and try to pet his wiggling body. Looking up at Jaxson, grinning, I pause when he looks heartbroken.
“Not a single thing has worked on our list. Are we cursed, Bells?”
31
PAST
2014
Have you ever wondered why some lips completely draw you in and other equally nice lips just don’t have that same magnetic quality? I’ve wondered about it a lot, D.
MILES PULLED AWAY. “Did you feel anything?” He smiled.
I laughed and took his hand. “My heart did speed up,” I tell him. “It was nice. I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”
“Can’t blame a guy for trying,” he said.
“Thank you for saving the night.”
“Anytime, Mira.”
IT WAS after midnight when he showed up and I was ready for him.
“Don’t bother coming up,” I called down from my window.
“Please, Bells, let me explain. Please.”
I groaned, angry with myself for always caving with him but unable to stop myself from lifting the window further and letting him in.
“I’m so sorry,” was the first thing out of his mouth when he stepped in my bedroom. “I’m sorry I left—I came looking for you and you were gone.”
I scowled
at him and turned away. He stopped me with his hand and I looked at him over my shoulder.
“I waited a long time, Jaxson. You didn’t come looking soon enough.”
“Things have been over between Heather and me, but tonight I finished it for good. I think her pride was bruised, seeing me kiss you like that, but it’s over, Mira. I felt like I at least owed her a conversation.”
“That’s fair. As far as owing me—you don’t. I have no idea what we are.” My voice rose and I clamped a hand over my mouth and then whispered, “But you asked me to go with you tonight and then abandoned me there. Miles brought me home. He’s the one who kissed me good night. It’s been a long night and I just want—”
“—He kissed you?” He was in my face in seconds, cheeks pink.
“No. You don’t get to be jealous, Jaxson. Don’t you dare.”
His eyes softened and he looked at the floor. “Have I missed my chance with you, Bells? Is he who you want?”
“You want a chance with me? How would I know that? When we kissed before, you still went right back to Heather. Tonight you kissed me and ran after Heather. I don’t think I’m the one you should be asking. What do you want, Jaxson?”
“I want you. I’ve always wanted you.” He sat on my bed and put his head in his hands.
“What?”
His eyes were anguished when he looked up. “I thought I had time…and I just keep blowing it. I got distracted by other things, but I always knew you were the one I wanted to spend forever with.” He stood up and put his hand on my arm, his thumb brushing circles across my skin. “We’re still so young, you know? There have been times I’ve questioned if those things I felt as a kid in Holmes Chapel were for life, but every time I’ve seen your face, deep down, I’ve known. Even when we weren’t talking and you wouldn’t look at me in the halls at school, I hoped and prayed it was only a matter of time before we were together.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“My mum and Charles have put the fear of God in me about not sullying your reputation…or pressuring you to be with me before you’re ready. And I won’t,” he rushed to add. “I swear I would never do that. Just please tell me I’m right and that you feel the same too.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I whispered. “Shock,” I added.
“I love you, Bells.” He leaned his head on mine, his hand winding through my hair. “I’ve never said that to anyone but you…”
I touched his cheek and down his neck, sniffling. “I love you too.”
“God, those are the best words I’ve ever heard you say,” he whispered.
His lips landed on mine in a rush, crashing into me as if he wanted to crawl into my skin and live there. I felt completely his, from the top of my head to the tingling tips of my toes.
“You’re not running this time?” I asked when he kissed along my jawline and planted small kisses around my mouth before consuming me again.
He hummed his answer.
I floated to the sky and didn’t come back to Earth until he pulled away and stared at me, chest heaving. What was that? I stared at his lips in fascination, awed that they were capable of evoking such things in me.
“This has been the best, worst, best night,” he said.
I smiled. “That describes it perfectly.”
“This—kissing you, finally saying how I feel and hearing you say it back—it’s a thousand times better than any time I’ve played it out in my head,” he whispered, placing one more kiss on my nose.
I grinned, amazed that he’d been imagining the same things I had.
“I better go. Can I see you tomorrow?”
“Will things really be the same between us tomorrow? I’m afraid if you leave, it’ll all go back to the way it was,” I admitted.
He took both of my hands in his. “Things can’t go backward. Okay? We won’t let anyone or anything come between us, including you or me.” He kissed both of my hands. “Deal?”
“Deal.”
THE SCHOOL WAS abuzz on Monday when Jaxson and I walked from the parking lot into the school, hand in hand. We’d spent the weekend in my room, kissing and watching movies, or kissing at the beach, or kissing in his room. It was my new favorite thing to do: kissing Jaxson.
I didn’t see Heather, but her rhyming name posse covered the glares on her behalf. Giselle stared so hard I never saw her blink. Danielle’s eyes were going to get stuck if she rolled them back any further. Raquel huffed and turned away like the sight of us was too disgusting for words…and then I saw Miles and the hurt in his eyes, and I felt terrible.
“I need to talk to Miles,” I told Jaxson.
He squeezed my hand and let it go, nodding at Miles as he went to his locker.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey.” Miles shut his locker and looked at me out of the corner of his eye.
“We…worked things out. He explained what happened and…it’s good between us,” I fumbled around with my words but eventually got it out.
He shifted his books around and spoke to them more than me. “I’m glad you got what you wanted.”
“Thanks, Miles. I-I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t be sorry for being happy. If you’re ever not happy, then you can think of me with regret.” He grinned then and I knew we’d be okay.
WHEN I GOT HOME from school, Mum was home early and looked like she had a secret she was dying to spill.
“So…how are things going?” she said, kissing my cheek.
“Really good…” I looked at her suspiciously. “Oh! I forgot to tell you—that interview happened…a reporter came over and asked all about Tyra’s Closet. They’re doing an article for the paper and mentioning it on CBS or something…” I grinned. “So that’s cool, right?”
“Wonderful. So…cool,” she said. She looked at me and made a face. “Ugh, out with it already. What’s going on with you and Jaxson? You’ve been floating around here for days, making googly eyes at one another, and haven’t given me any details.”
I smiled and ducked my head, looking at her under lowered lids.
“Oh my,” she said. “Out with it.”
“It’s going really well,” I said. “He told me he loves me!” I fell into the chair at the table, feeling faint just thinking about him saying it.
“And you’re just now telling me this?” she yelled. She sat across from me. “Tell me everything and then we’re going to the clinic.”
“What? Why?” I frowned.
“To get you on the pill, dear girl. I love you and Jaxson, but I do not need grandbabies yet.”
I flushed and got up, avoiding looking at her while I got water for us. “We’re not having sex!”
“Not yet, but if he’s telling you he loves you already, that’s not far behind.” She looked at me sternly. “Don’t let him rush you.”
I groaned but agreed to get on the pill, mainly to get her to stop talking. And then I told her everything—well, almost everything—leaving out the parts about Heather, and how he snuck into my window…so the bare minimum/best parts.
32
PAST
CHRISTMASTIME 2014
If you had eyes, you’d think I look different, Dear D. I’m sure of it. I’m in a constant swoony state. It would be embarrassing if I weren’t so HAPPY.
I’D NEVER BEEN MORE grateful for my mum’s pushiness. I’d been on the pill for nearly a month and things had been steadily heating up between Jaxson and me. Understatement. I burned for him. We were together every day after his basketball practice and he snuck through my window almost every night. Our parents were usually home by six and that left a window of time when we had the house to ourselves.
Today we were at his house and to his credit, he had gone excruciatingly slow with me…I was ready for him to speed things up already…
We were on his bed and he leaned over me, the lower half of his body safely on the bed instead of where I wanted him. His head fell between my breasts and he inhaled, as if in
toxicated. He kissed the narrow valley, his tongue flicking the edge of my breasts and I groaned, arching into his mouth.
“You’re killing every ounce of willpower I have left,” he whispered, and the air on the places he’d licked chilled.
“I’m tired of willpower,” I said, pulling him by the belt loops until he settled on top of me. My head fell back, eyes closed, as I enjoyed how delicious his weight felt on me. My hips lifted of their own will to find friction and I was momentarily satisfied when his breath caught and he pressed into me.
“Mira,” he warned.
“More,” I whispered.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
His hand reached out to rub my nipple over my shirt and I licked my lips, opening my eyes so I didn’t miss anything. My V-neck was low but not quite low enough. He moved my shirt to the side and bit his lip when he saw the bra I was wearing. A sheer lace demi bra with an underwire that propped me up to my best advantage—I’d bought it recently, in hopes that he’d see it.
“Mira,” he sighed reverently. “Is it okay to say out loud that your breasts are the most spectacular pieces of art I’ve ever seen?”
I giggled.
“Seriously though. God, Bells.” He leaned down and kissed each one and then shifted the material of my bra to the side, his gaze questioning to see if it was okay. When he saw what he wanted, he leaned down and sucked on one side and then the other until I was squirming beneath him.
I loved the feel of his skin on mine and wished our clothes were gone so I could feel the rest of him. Just when I thought I’d go crazy if I didn’t get more, he shifted slightly and lined up in the perfect spot on top of me.
“Mmm,” I moaned.
His arms were tense as he stayed still for a moment.
