Committed Passion

by Bonnie Dee

  A real four-year-old is not as easy to manage as the perfect child he pictured. Maybe Clay would lose interest once he learned how much effort it took to deal with a kid. I could only hope.

  We never did order food, and finally Rianna put an end to Clay’s rambling. “We have a lot of last-minute details to take care of today, and I only have a babysitter for a short time. I’ll be in contact with you.”

  She stood before he could protest or start up again, and I gladly pushed back my chair too. The Inquisition couldn’t have been more torturous than the past hour had been.

  After we were out of Clay’s earshot, Rianna muttered, “Still an asshole. Keep walking fast before he comes after us and starts talking more crap about his supervisor.”

  I held the door for her, and we escaped the dark restaurant into a bright sunny day.

  “Clay always could find the negative in any situation,” she added.

  “I almost feel sorry for the guy.”

  She looked at me and snorted. “No, you don’t.”

  “No. I don’t,” I agreed. “Actually I wanted to punch him in the face. He’s a selfish dick, and I’ll never forget or forgive what he did to you.”

  Rianna put her arms around my neck and leaned into me. “And I love you for being the kind of guy who can stop himself from punching.” She smiled. “Even though it would’ve been really satisfying to see.”

  My tension loosened now that we were away from Peters, and I smiled back at her. “You know I could kick his ass, though, right?”

  “I believe it. And Clay knew it too.” She rose up on her toes and kissed me. “I’m sorry about all this. I wish he didn’t exist and didn’t have any claim on Travis, but…”

  “He’s Travis’s biological father,” I finished. “Trust me, you don’t have to explain about that unbreakable connection. I’m still living it.”

  “Speaking of… You want to check in on your dad before we go home?” She grimaced a little as she said it.

  Inside, I winced too. The past weeks of watching my father fight like hell not to let go of life were taking their toll. The last thing I wanted on the heels of meeting Rianna’s ex was another stint at Dad’s bedside. “Guess so.”

  I leaned to give Rianna a better, more lingering kiss, right there on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant. She tasted so good and felt so wonderful in my arms that the issues we had to deal with as a couple evaporated. They were nothing compared to the good parts, the beautiful life we were shaping together.

  When I finally pulled back, I noticed someone exiting the restaurant. Clay Peters poised in the doorway, watching us kiss. His expression was priceless, and I felt even better than if I’d broken his nose.

  I walked away with my arm around my bride-to-be.

  Chapter Six

  Leah

  “You’ve lost him? You’re telling me you lost Travis?” It was all I could do not to shriek at J.D. Panic set my heart racing as I stood in the living room of the unfamiliar house and my worst nightmare came true. Except it wasn’t even my fault. J.D. had been playing hide-and-seek with the little boy.

  “Not lost. He’ll turn up. Don’t freak out.” J.D. grabbed my hands to soothe me, and I shook him off.

  “We have to find him. Right now. Rianna and Jonah could be back any minute and what would we tell them, that we’re too incompetent to watch their kid for a few hours without losing him?”

  “Honey, calm down. He can’t have gone far. The kid’s just better at staying quiet and hidden than I expected, but he’s around here somewhere. I’ll check the yard again. He was supposed to hide out there because you were resting in here.”

  His footsteps receded. I ran my hands through my sleep-rumpled hair. I’d been taking a much-needed nap on the couch when J.D. came tromping into the room calling out Travis’s name. I jolted from sleep, disoriented and alarmed.

  I couldn’t even help him search because I couldn’t look. This was exactly the sort of worst-case scenario I’d imagined when I pictured having a child of my own. The what if of the child wandering off in a shopping mall or even in my own neighborhood. Or in my house. What sort of mother could I possibly be? I wasn’t ready for this, and maybe I never would be. But the little germ of a human being inside me was growing bigger and more real to me every day. I had to learn to deal with it.

  My breathing was too fast and my heart pumping as if I’d been running. Get a grip! I ordered my body. During my nearly three years blind, I’d overcome one obstacle after another. I’d learned to manage the details of my life. I’d even lived alone for a brief time. I hadn’t let my disability control my life, at least not more than was absolutely necessary.

  Even without sight, I could manage taking care of a child too.

  “Travis?” I called. “Are you in here? We’re not playing hide-and-seek anymore. You can come out now.”

  I walked slowly from one room to the next, feeling my way with my cane so I wouldn’t bump into the furniture, and listening for any sound that would lead me to Travis. Was that creak I heard a tiny footstep? Did I detect the light, rapid breathing of a child coming from the left, the gust of air from a door opening on my right?

  I stood very still and listened harder, and I was sure I heard a childish giggle.

  “Travis, are you there? You win! You stayed hidden so good the game’s over.”

  No answer.

  “I’m going to go into the kitchen and make us all ice-cream sundaes. Want one?”

  The kid might not even be within range of my voice. He probably was hidden out in the yard somewhere and any second now J.D. would return with him. I was not panicking. No sirree. Not me. I fumbled around the foreign kitchen, finding a container of ice cream inside the packed freezer, then searching for bowls and spoons.

  I narrated every step of my progress loudly. “Now if I could only find some chocolate sauce and whipped cream for the top.”

  A snorting giggle nearly made me drop the spoons.

  Little footsteps came pelting toward me, and a pair of arms grasped my knees. “Hah! I’m here. I hided good. Can I help you make sundaes?”

  “Yes, you can.” I dropped to my knees and grabbed the little boy’s solid warm body, probably too hard. I crushed him in a hug before lifting him up and finding a stool at the kitchen island to set him on.

  “Didn’t I hide good?” he said. “Uncle J.D.’s still lookin’.”

  “You hid good, but, honey, when grown-ups tell you the game’s over, it’s okay to come out. You scared us a little. In fact, why don’t you go call your uncle and tell him he can quit seeking?”

  Travis clambered off the stool and ran away. I hardly wanted to let him out of arm’s length in case he disappeared again, but that was ridiculous. I scooped ice cream while Travis yelled at J.D. from the front door. A moment later, they both came into the kitchen, bringing the chill of outdoors with them.

  J.D. was light and breezy, laughing with Travis and swinging him high in the air—I could tell from the giggles—before setting him on the stool. J.D. didn’t sound upset at all. As if nothing had happened. As if he hadn’t screwed up and nearly lost the little boy we were supposed to be in charge of.

  I grimly finished making dishes of ice cream but I could only pick at mine. It didn’t help that my stomach was rolling like a ship at sea. Food was my enemy these days. I was starving most of the time but too nauseated to really eat a good meal.

  J.D. joked and chatted with Travis while they ate, then he rose to clear the table. He set the bowls in the sink and stopped behind me, pressing his hands on my shoulders. He leaned to whisper in my ear. “It’s okay, Leah. Everything turned out all right. This sort of thing happens with kids.”

  As if he had so much experience. As if he knew.

  I didn’t answer and continued to fume as sullenly as a teenager, though I didn’t show my annoyance to Travis. “Want to play Hungry Hippos again?” I asked cheerily, suggesting the game we’d played with him earlier.

  T
ravis deafened me with a huge “Yeah!” and ran out of the kitchen.

  “Are you mad?” J.D. asked.

  “No. Yes. I don’t know. It just really freaked me out having him disappear like that,” I admitted. “I’ve thought about how I’d deal with the everyday stuff moms do. How can I keep track of a child if I can’t even see him?”

  He pulled me against him and hugged me hard. “I’m sorry. I understand why it scares you. Maybe there’s a blind parents’ support group we can go to when the time comes.”

  Oh, it’s coming. Sooner than you expect. The news was on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t spit it out. Not yet, because after I did, everything would change, and I wasn’t quite certain what our relationship would look like afterward. Anyway, it wasn’t a conversation to have while we were babysitting Travis.

  “Come on. Let’s let a four-year-old beat our asses at Hungry Hippos.” J.D. led me from the kitchen.

  I smiled. “Trust me, if I could actually see the marbles, I wouldn’t let him beat me. I don’t think it’s good for kids to let them win every time.”

  “So you’re going to be a tough kind of mom,” J.D. teased.

  I didn’t say anything. I had no idea what sort of mother I was going to be.

  *

  J.D.

  When I temporarily lost Travis, I was a little worried but doubted he’d left the yard since I’d kept an eye in the direction of the street. After checking the few hiding places around back, I figured he’d gone indoors, and I was right. The boy turned up in the house, pleased with himself for staying so well hidden. I would’ve shrugged off the incident, except Leah seemed so freaked out about it.

  The times we’d discussed our future, she’d expressed her fears about being able to raise a kid. Now I understood how much the idea truly scared her. But right then wasn’t the time or place to discuss the subject, not with Travis and his unending stream of chatter keeping us occupied.

  The blond-haired boy was funny and cute. He made me wonder what Leah’s and my kid might look like. Brunette for sure, either light brown hair like Leah’s or nearly black like mine, and probably dark eyes too. In the genetic soup, didn’t those usually win out over a pale green like Leah’s? Whatever our child looked like, I would think he or she was beautiful—even if the kid was as ugly as a stump.

  I smiled at the thought of me proudly showing off snaps of my ugly baby to people who had to pretend it was cute. I hardly paid attention to grabbing at the marbles in the center of the board, and Travis easily cleared it.

  “I won again!” he crowed.

  “Sure did. Hey, Travis, why don’t we put on one of your cartoons,” I suggested. Playing with my nephew for several hours straight was great, but I was definitely ready for a break. And the boy looked tired.

  “Peter Pan,” he shouted—everything was a shout or yell—and he ran off to get the DVD.

  Leah got him settled on a chair with his blankie while I started the show. Leah and I sat together on the couch, and as soon as Travis was focused on the screen, I kissed her. One polite I’m sorry sort of kiss led to several longer, deeper ones. Underneath the fuzzy throw, I rested a hand on her thigh.

  “Are we okay?” I asked as I nuzzled her neck.

  “Yeah. I overreacted. I’m a bundle of emotions lately.” She lifted slightly into my kneading hand and gave a little wiggle of pleasure. We both glanced at Travis. His eyes were already at half-mast as he watched Pan fly.

  I’d kind of noticed her moodiness, but I was getting to be a smart boyfriend and didn’t tell her I agreed. God knew I went through moody times of my own. Flashback times I couldn’t shake. Leah always understood and was patient with me. I could do the same while she worked through whatever was bothering her.

  I held her hand and stared at the singing cartoon characters on the screen while I reached into my jeans pocket and felt the little jewelry box. I’d taken to carrying it on me, ready to pop the question any opportunity that felt right. Maybe this weekend that revolved around a wedding was the time.

  “Listen, Leah—” I began at the same moment she said, “I’ve got to tell you something.”

  A smile died on my mouth at the glitter of tears in her eyes, and my heart beat faster. What if something was really wrong? Like she wanted to break up, or she was sick or something? As a solider, I’d been through bad shit, including time spent in a windowless cell and being tortured on a daily basis. That would be nothing compared to having to live without Leah for any reason.

  “What’s wrong?” I demanded.

  “Don’t panic. You sound like you’re panicking. It’s nothing awful,” she assured me. “In fact…you might think it’s good news. Or not. I don’t know. That’s why I’ve been waiting, because I was trying to find the right time. But I just now realized there is no right time. And we said no more secrets between us, so I’m just going to lay it out there.”

  She sucked in a breath and exhaled. “I’m pregnant.”

  “Huh?” I struggled to comprehend the news. How the holy fuck had that happened? She was on the pill. I’d used condoms until after we’d both been tested and the pill kicked in. There was no reason in the world for her to be pregnant.

  My supportive response made Leah frown. I hurried to add, “That’s…that’s amazing. I was just thinking about what our kid would look like someday. Not ugly, that’s for sure. A baby. I can hardly believe it.” I blurted words while the entire world shifted around me.

  “You’re upset. I was afraid you might be,” Leah said. “I know it’s too soon. We haven’t even been together a year, and we’re struggling financially. We have things to do to get to the right place to even think of having a family. I know this is terrible timing. But I can’t stand the idea of an abortion.”

  “No. No, I wouldn’t want that either. I mean, we planned to have a kid or two. Just not right away.” I gulped for air and pulled myself together. “Well, your news pretty much makes my thing seem not so huge after all. In fact, it kind of goes hand in hand with my thing.”

  “What are you saying?”

  I got the ring out of the box, grasped Leah’s hand, and put the ring in it. “Will you marry me? I’ve been carrying this thing around for days wondering if it was too soon to ask. It’ll be a relief to have it out of my pocket and on your finger—if you want it there.”

  “Oh!” It was more of a gasp than a word.

  I pushed on with the proposal I’d rehearsed, wanting to convince her I would’ve asked even if she weren’t pregnant. “We kept talking about ‘someday,’ and recently I thought someday couldn’t come soon enough.” I studied her eyes, wishing she could see me and the ring that was my promise to her, that she could see everything around her. Sometimes I ached at her loss.

  “When I was overseas,” I continued, “I realized—I mean really realized—how fragile life is. And short. I want to spend every minute of mine with you.”

  “Oh,” she said again as tears welled in her eyes. Her fingers moved over the ring, feeling the band and the stone. “I can’t believe this. I mean, yes. Yes!” Now she was crying and handing the ring back. “Put it on me.”

  She held out her hand, and I slipped the ring on the proper finger. I’d sized it from one of hers so it fit perfectly.

  “Does Gina know? Did she help you pick it out? What does it look like? It feels pretty.”

  “Gina doesn’t know. I kept this to myself. It looks like…” I stared at the small sparkling stone in the silver setting. “I forgot what the jeweler said the cut is called. I didn’t know what to get, because they all looked fine to me. Gina will have to describe it to you.”

  She laughed at my inability to describe the diamond, then pressed it to her lips. “Thank you.”

  “No. Thank you for saying yes.” I paused. “Your parents are going to love all our good news.”

  Leah wrinkled her nose. “Don’t remind me. They were just starting to accept our decision to live together. But, I don’t know, my mom may actually be
pretty excited about the prospect of being a grandma.”

  Grandparents. This kid would have two that doted on it and showered it with attention and gifts. By the time he or she was born, my dad would be gone. But there would be uncles and aunts on my side. I’d spent a portion of my relationship with Leah feeling not quite good enough for her. My family was poor and dysfunctional. Hers was wealthy and well-adjusted, if a little too controlling. I’d grown past that. I could see the good in my brothers—and in myself. The Wyatts were a family my kid could be proud to be a part of.

  Leah leaned toward me, and I met her halfway, kissing her, then drawing her close and holding her tight. We might have made out more, but Travis woke from his doze in front of the TV and started clamoring for our attention again.

  “This is what it’s going to be like,” I pointed out to Leah. “A lot less private time together.”

  “I can hardly wrap my head around the idea of an infant, let alone an active kid like Travis. I’m scared to death.”

  “We’ll be fine. Everything will be good, and we’ll make it work.” Simple reassurance was what she needed right now, and I could give that to her. “We’ll hire an aide if that’s what we need. You’ll be a great mother, and I’ll be a good dad.”

  Leah visibly relaxed, her tense shoulders drooping and her worried expression easing. My own anxiety about the new responsibilities I’d soon face grew.

  Chapter Seven

  Leah

  I closed my eyes and leaned back against the pillows, focusing all my senses on the feeling of J.D.’s hand cradling my foot and the light flick of the fingernail polish brush stroking my toenails. I pictured the cranberry-red color he was applying, but it had been so long now since I’d seen my own feet, I couldn’t quite get an image. My perception of things these days was so filtered through sound, smell, and touch that I “saw” things in a different way in my mental pictures. The physical had become simultaneously more esoteric—concepts rather than images—and more real than ever. For example, each tiny flick of that brush and J.D.’s breath blowing on my toes inflamed my desire stronger than if I could see him, because those feelings were all I had.