This is what I’m going to paint. I knew I would never get his image right on a canvas. It would be a miracle if I made shapes for eyes. I will certainly try.
Katrina’s already starting to outline her painting. The weird thing is; she’s drawing the outline with her eyes closed. How on earth does she do that? I watched her for a moment. Watching her pencil move across the canvas with her eyes closed, the way the pencil moved I would undoubtedly believe her eyes are open, but they aren’t. She’s amazing.
I began to sketch my face of Zach, eyes open, and it looks like a mess. The eyes are different sizes and not across from one another. Nothing resembles Zach; it looks like a kindergartner went crazy with the pencil. Katrina reassured me that once I started to paint, it would look better.
I glanced at her drawing and I really didn’t see much. It seems to be a shape of a person, but the look is all wrong. Hmm, have to wait and see.
Katrina and I got our paint colors together. I have vibrant colors while she has many dark colors like blacks and grays. She showed me the basics of how to brush the paint on. She isn’t going to show me any techniques until I get the basics down. Once I got going, it’s actually really relaxing. Neither of us spoke, we are too wrapped up in what we’re doing. I finished my last stroke of paint and looking at my painting as a whole, it surprised me that it did resemble Zach, just a little. It still looks like a huge mess, but if anyone knew Zach, they would know who it is supposed to be.
I looked over at Katrina. She’s done painting, but she stared at her painting with horror covering her face. I looked at her painting. Amongst the shades of dark colors, there’s a figure surrounded by a black mist. The figure is wearing a dark, robe-like cover. The face remains hidden by the hood, and the body has no shape under the clothing, but I can see the piercing eyes. They’re glowing dark red. It feels like it could glare straight into our soul and pull it into the depths of Hell.
The hands of the figure are also visible. It has long clawed-like fingers and the nails are pointed like daggers. The one arm reached out in front of the figure with the palm of the hand turned toward its body with one finger up as if it’s beckoning us to come closer. The mist surrounds its body creating a vine-like climb, starting at its feet; it extends above the figures head. Looking at the mist brought me back to an earlier dream… the one with the mirror and it made me shiver. Pushing the dream aside, I brought my attention back to the painting. The painting is horrifying. It looks like a demon, no, not a demon, but the devil himself. I have to look away. I felt like if I keep staring, its eyes will shift and steal my soul from my body. I looked at Katrina who continues staring at it as if in a trance.
“Katrina?” I asked nervously. I don’t know what to say.
“I… what… is it?” She asked dumbfounded.
“I don’t know. You painted it,” I said just as astonished.
“But, it’s horrible! I never paint anything like this. Where did this come from?” She said panicked.
“I don’t know, but it’s really scary. Why did you paint it?” She’s starting to freak me out.
“I… I don’t know. I always paint the first thing that comes to me, as soon as I see it, my mind just goes blank and my hand always does the work.” She gestured to the paintings behind her on the wall with her hand. “I remember starting and I remember finishing when I look at it for the first time, but nothing really in-between on a lot of them. It’s never freaked me out until now. I always painted like that, even from my first painting, but this… this is not normal. I mean who paints disturbing things like this?” Her eyes are wide as she stares at me. She’s scared, and I have to admit, so am I.
“I have no idea where that would even come from. I think you need to get rid of it or hide it or something ‘cuz it’s really freaking me out.” Glancing at it again sent a shiver down my spine.
“You’re right. I think I need to burn it or something. This isn’t anything I want to keep or even hang up for that matter. Mom would think I’ve lost my mind. Who knows, maybe I have.” She looked back at the dark painting.
“You have not. I’m supposed to be the crazy one here. There can’t be two of us.” I started to laugh with a panicked undertone.
“That’s right.” Katrina laughed too, without humor. “Okay, now what do I do with this? I know, I’ll throw it in my closet and cover it with something until we have a bonfire, then I’ll burn it… maybe this weekend if you’re up for it?”
“Sounds good to me.” I agreed.
Katrina took the painting and threw it into the far back of her closet and threw some clothes on top of it. I’m glad the paint dries kind of fast or she would have just ruined some nice clothes. After she closed the door, she turned around and looked toward me for a moment, then started to laugh almost hysterically.
“What?” I asked nervously.
“Your… painting! You really need… some lessons… don’t you.” She laughed between words, and when she stopped talking she just kept laughing.
“Told ya I’ve never painted before.” I giggled some looking at my painting. It’s pretty bad.
“Is that supposed to be Zach?” She asked still snickering.
“Well, since you can tell who it is, I did my job,” I said with mock smugness.
We both started to laugh together really loud. Katrina’s a lot of fun to be with. She goes from serious issues to laughing, and I admire her for that. She’s a strong girl to go through the things she has and not cry every waking moment. I can only imagine if I had been in her position with Bree. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Yet, here she is trying her best to move on and laugh.
Gift
It’s about six-thirty and the sun is just setting as I left Katrina’s. We talked and laughed a lot. It felt nice to laugh and be with someone else my own age. She’s not like the other girls at our school either. She’s mature like I am, so maybe that’s why she doesn’t really have any friends. While we were talking, I tried to get her to tell me what she thought about Zach and about the guy at the mall, but she wouldn’t tell me. She stuck to her story of wanting to make sure herself about Zach. Oh well. There was nothing I could do to get it out of her and believe me, I tried.
When I got home, I looked out over the horizon of the hills and saw the most gorgeous sunset I’ve seen in New York yet. The sky lit up with bright orange and pink. The colors swirled around one another close to the sun and spread out into their own space the farther they departed from the sun. It’s beautiful. I stood watching it as the sun finally set behind the hills and disappeared, darkening the sky instantly.
I walked toward the house at a slow pace carrying everything. I’m about halfway to the door when a loud noise sent a jolt through my body. Quickly following the crash in the woods, a deep, long growl came from the same direction from the woods beside the house. The growl didn’t belong to any dog I’ve ever heard… So, I picked up the pace and practically ran into the door trying to open it. As soon as I’m in the house, I dropped my stuff shutting and locking the door behind me. I am such a coward, what’s the thing going to do, eat me or break down the door and eat me? Talk about an overactive imagination. I stood at the door shaking my head at myself for my own cowardice. A loud howl broke through the night air, sending a shiver down my spine.
Every night I have heard a howl since Zach started coming around, which is kind of creepy. Why is a wolf or coyote hanging around our house? Do they even have wolves here?
I’ve never done research on animals that live in New York. The one thing I learned over the summer is that I could walk out in the grass barefoot without having to worry about stepping on scorpions or tarantulas. Freak me out! I hate spiders, with their eight legs and gazillion eyes. I shivered and goose-bumps went down my spine just thinking about them. There’s one other thing I learned. New York has the most venomous spider in the United States. This shocked me as I never expected a Daddy Long-Leg to be venomous, let alone deadly. They have small bodies and lo
ng legs, and out of all the spiders I have seen, they seem the most docile. I’ve even seen some Kindergarteners looking at one walking along the sidewalk. One of the boys was about to step on it, but a little girl stopped him and said, “If you kill it, it’s gonna rain tomorrow.”
Well, sure enough, the next day it rained. Coincidence…? Maybe…
Apparently, Daddy-Long-Legs can’t pierce human skin. Their fangs are too small. I laughed, but all spiders just really freak me out. I keep a can of Raid in my room just in case I see one. There’s nothing like waking up to a black jumping spider on my pillow looking at me. Dad thought I was being murdered when I screamed and flew off my bed. He, of course, thought I was hilarious when I soaked my pillow with the raid. I had to throw my pillow out, but at least I got the black jumping spider. Those are the worst. They stare, following my movements.
Gah!
I took my stuff upstairs to my room and dumped it on my bed. I didn’t know where I was going to put my painting of Zach, and if Bree saw it, she would probably flip out. I decided I would hide it in my closet on the one empty top shelf. I would hang it up in there later. I just don’t want Bree getting mad or mom thinking I’m obsessed.
I went back to my bed to put the other things away when I saw Bree sitting on my bed looking at the painting supplies.
“Hey,” I said looking at her.
She looked up, “Did you have fun?” She sounds upset.
“Yeah,” I paused. “Bree, what’s going on with you lately? Did I do something to make you upset?” I stayed calm. I don’t want to upset her more.
“No, it’s nothing you did. Well… it is, but it isn’t. I know it doesn’t make sense.” She looked at the floor.
“Well, tell me what’s bothering you. Really, what is it?”
“Lexi, I can’t really explain it. It has to deal with Zach. I just want you to be safe, and I’m afraid he’s going to hurt you.” She looked deep into my eyes like she’s willing me to understand.
“Why do you think he would hurt me?” I’m a little confused.
“It’s… it’s just a feeling. Please trust me, Lexi. I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t really believe it to be true.”
“I know you wouldn’t, but that’s what scares me. I thought it was a jealous thing, isn’t it?”
Bree let out a small reluctant laugh without humor. “No, it’s not jealousy. It’s about your safety, and that’s what matters most.”
“Okay,” I paused again. How am I going to say this to her? “Bree, I know you’re worried about me. But… how do I explain it… I love him, Bree. I truly do. I know you don’t like him or hate him or whatever, but when he’s away from me, I feel like I’m being ripped in half, I don’t feel whole anymore.” I looked at the floor. Maybe I’m saying too much, but Bree didn’t fly off the handle like I expected.
She looked down at the floor now. “That’s what I was afraid of.” She stayed calm but sounds like she’s lost a battle.
She didn’t say anything else for a moment. She got off my bed walking over to me and put her arms around me and squeezed. I hugged her back. What is going on with her? I still don’t get it.
“Just promise me you will be careful and listen to what your gut tells you,” Bree said as she stepped back, still just as calm.
“I promise.”
Bree turned and headed toward the door. She turned around just before she left my room and said, “You’re lucky I love you.” She turned and went downstairs.
I stood dumbfounded for the second time today. Bree… I just don’t have any words right now.
I stayed in my room for a while. I didn’t really have anything to do, but it was nice to stretch out on my bed and relax reading a book that had absolutely nothing to do with school. I liked to read just for the fun of it. I liked to travel to different places without leaving the comfort of my room. Right now, I’m in Italy. When I got to the next chapter I stopped to look at my clock. It’s about dinner time so I should go help mom. It’s been nice having her home this whole weekend. Dad’s been here a little more this weekend too, which is nice. He’s waiting until he has a few days off so he can take me car shopping. I’m still totally undecided on what car to get. I don’t want anything that’s going to stand out in a crowd. I want to blend in, but yet, I like sports cars. I can’t help it, I like the speed. Maybe I should become a race car driver. I laughed at the thought. I could see mom’s face if I told her that’s what I wanted to do with my life. She would freak and say I’m not risking my life and probably go on for hours. She doesn’t want me or Bree in any dangerous jobs. She would prefer us to stay home forever and be safe. I shook my head smiling as I headed into the kitchen to help mom with dinner.
We had some fun tonight as a family. It’s rare anymore that everyone is home at once. It wasn’t always like this. When Bree and I were little, mom and dad were home a lot more, and we were together just about every night. Since we’ve gotten older, they have been working more. Mom says that they’re trying to secure our college funds and make sure we’re set should anything happen to them. Always planning for the future should something happen to them unexpectedly. I never wanted to think about it. I don’t know how I would cope if I lost my parents. I would want to go into a corner and curl up into a ball. I told mom that one day, and she told me that I better not or she was going to come haunt me. I had to laugh because knowing her, she probably would.
Tonight, was fun though. We played our favorite board games and even played Charades. Dad and Bree are good at it, especially when they’re on the same team which I don’t think is fair. They always win, but mom and I kicked their butt when we played Spades. Dad and Bree are such sore losers, which made winning against them extra fun. Mom and I like to gloat… a lot. Bree was mad, and it was funny.
We went to bed about one in the morning. Mom and dad have to go back to work in the morning and Bree and I have school. I almost looked forward to school tomorrow. I was hoping Zach would finally be there since he did show up Saturday before Bree sent him packing. I finally forgave her, especially since we talked when I got home from Katrina’s. Though, I never did get an exact answer out of her. She’s never one to give a straight answer. None the less, she’s forgiven.
***
To my utter depression, Zach didn’t show up today. I looked in the parking lot for his car and nothing. I thought he might have taken a bus, but he wasn’t in Algebra or the cafeteria. There wasn’t any sign of him anywhere. If I knew where he lived I would go to his house, but no one knew where he lived, which surprised me. Didn’t everyone in this town know where everyone lived? Apparently not, maybe I’m just desperate to see his gorgeous smiling face, his deep dark eyes, and his sexy lean body. Okay, I’m really desperate. I want Zach so bad right now. I miss him horribly and there’s nothing I can do to get to him. It’s like a bird after a caged mouse. No matter how many tries, the bird never finds a way in. I feel like that with Zach. I’ve come up with so many plans to try to find Zach and none of them will work. I don’t even know where to start looking.
The entire week went on like this. No Zach anywhere. Day after day I got more and more depressed. A few times I thought I was going to be sick. A few of the preppie girls kept giving me dirty looks like it’s my fault Zach wasn’t in school. It probably was, but he should have come back by now. For gosh’ sake he came to my house!
After Algebra Wednesday, Rashel caught up with me. She was as nasty as ever. I assumed taking advantage of Zach not being around.
“I figured you would run him off. You were never right for him. I’m the one that’s perfect for him and once you realize that, your life would be so much easier.” She stomped off flipping her hair behind her back. I wasn’t in the mood to fight with her, besides I couldn’t think of any comebacks. I’m utterly, entirely and deeply depressed.
I was getting so depressed I stopped eating lunch and I barely ate at home. By the end of the week, I was feeling so bad, I couldn’t go to school Friday.
I couldn’t face one more day of knowing Zach wouldn’t be there. I was hoping for a miracle that he would just be there every time I turned around, but it never happened.
Bree stayed home with me Friday. It’s like a ritual with us. If one didn’t go to school, neither did the other. She didn’t really talk to me much. She knew I stayed home because of Zach’s disappearance. She didn’t harp on me anymore about Zach, which I’m grateful for, but also a little worried. Bree wasn’t acting like herself. It’s not like her to give in the way she did, but I let her behavior go. Maybe she’s going through puberty. Who knows?
Of course, mom and dad noticed my change in behavior. Mom’s worried about me and so is dad. They don’t know what to tell me, really. They keep saying everything will be okay and that things will work out. I sure hope they’re right about that. I hope Zach will come back and I hope we can be together. That’s all I want right now, more than food, more than water, more than life. It feels like my world has ended and my body is being crushed to the point that I’m just going to disappear. Zach and I have this connection to one another; at least I thought he did. I don’t know how much longer I can take being away from him because it’s killing me. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to eat and I don’t even want to move. I’ve even lost more weight and I know I’m starting to look sick, but I really don’t care. I don’t want to do anything. I never realized it would hit me this hard if he actually stayed away from me. To my surprise, Saturday morning, I had a panic attack. I was glad no one was in the room with me or came into my room during that time. It was horrible. My whole body vibrated and my heart pounded out of my chest. I had a hard time breathing which made it worse. It felt like the world just ended and I was the only one left. I never want to have that experience again.
Burden to Bare Page 10
