Now and Forever

by Danielle Steel

  Jessie was still sitting there, crying and sobbing and holding her single word in her mouth. “Ian.” Astrid wasn’t so sure she was stoned. A little maybe, but not as much as she looked. In shock maybe. Something had snapped.

  “Jessica?” She slid an arm around her and spoke gently as Jessie slumped slightly in the seat. “Hi, Jessie, it’s me, Astrid.” Jessica looked at her and nodded. The two men were gone now. Everyone was gone. Even Ian.

  “Ian.” She said it more clearly now.

  “What about Ian?”

  “Ian.”

  Astrid wiped her face gently with a handkerchief.

  “Tell me about Ian.” Astrid’s heart was pounding and she was trying to keep her mind clear and watch Jessica’s eyes. She didn’t think it was an overdose of pills. More like an overdose of trouble. Jessie had finally had enough.

  “What about Ian, love? Tell me. Was he sick today?”

  Jessica shook her head. At least he wasn’t hurt. Astrid had thought of that first, with tales of prison horrors from the newspapers instantly coursing through her head. But Jessica had motioned no.

  “Was something wrong?”

  Jessica took a deep breath and nodded. She took another deep breath and leaned back against the seat a little.

  “We … we had … a fight.” The words were barely intelligible, but Astrid nodded.

  “What about?”

  Jessica shrugged, looking confused again. “Ian.”

  “What did you fight about, Jessie?”

  “I … I don’t … know.”

  “Do you remember?”

  Jessica shrugged again and closed her eyes. “About … everything… I think. We both … said… terrible things. Over.”

  “Over what?” But she thought she knew.

  “Over. All over.”

  “What’s all over, Jessie?” Her voice was so gentle, and the tears poured down Jessica’s face with fresh force.

  “Our marriage is … all… over …” She shook her head dumbly and closed her eyes again. “Ian …”

  “It’s not all over, Jessie. Just take it easy, now. You two probably just had a lot to get off your chests. You’ve been through a lot of rough times together lately. A lot of shocks. It had to come out.” But Jessica shook her head.

  “No, it’s over. I … I was so awful to him. I’ve always … been awful to him. I …” But then she couldn’t speak anymore.

  “Why don’t we go inside so you can lie down for a while.” Jessica shook her head and wouldn’t move, and Astrid fought to get her attention. “Jessie, listen to me for a minute. I want to take you somewhere.” The girl’s eyes flew open in terror. “Someplace very nice, you’ll like it. We’ll go together.”

  “A hospital?”

  Astrid smiled for the first time in five minutes. “No, silly. My mother’s ranch. I think it would do you a lot of good, and …”

  Jessica shook her head stubbornly. “No … I …”

  “What? Why not?”

  “Ian.”

  “Nonsense. I’m going to take you down there, and you’ll have a good rest. I think you’ve really had enough for a while. Don’t you?”

  Jessica nodded mutely with her eyes closed again.

  “Jessie, did you take a lot of pills today?”

  She started to shake her head and then stopped and shrugged.

  “How many? Tell me.”

  “I don’t know … not sure.”

  “Just give me a rough idea. Two? Four? Six? Ten?” She prayed it wouldn’t be that many.

  “Eight… I don’t know … seven … nine …” Jesus.

  “Are they in your bag?” Jessica nodded. And Astrid gently took her handbag from the seat. “I’m going to take them, Jessie, okay?” Jessica smiled then for the first time and took a long deep breath. She almost looked like herself again.

  “Do I … have a choice?” The two women laughed, one fuzzily and the other nervously, and Jessica let her friend help her inside. She wasn’t so much stoned as wrung out. She let herself slide slowly into a chair in the living room and didn’t even move as she listened to the sounds of Astrid bustling around the bedroom and bathroom. It was going to be so good to be away from it all, even from the sight of Ian behind the glass window. She knew then that she would never see him there again. She’d work the rest out later, but she already knew that. She heaved a deep sigh and went to sleep in the chair until Astrid woke her and led her out to the Jaguar.

  Her bags had been packed, the house was locked up, and Jessie felt as though she were a small child again, well taken care of and greatly loved.

  “What about the car?”

  “The one you rented?” It still sat crookedly in the driveway. Jessica nodded. “I’ll have someone pick it up later. Don’t worry about it.” Jessica didn’t. It was part of the bliss of having money. Having “someone pick it up later.” Anonymous faces and hands to do menial tasks. “And I called the girls at the shop and told them you were going away with me. You can call them yourself tomorrow and give them instructions.”

  “Who’ll … who’ll … you know, well, run it?” Everything was still jumbled in Jessica’s head, and Astrid smiled and patted her cheek gently.

  “I will. And I can hardly wait. What a treat, a vacation for you and a job for me.” Jessica smiled and looked more like herself again.

  “And the fall line?”

  Astrid raised an eyebrow in surprise as she started the car.

  “You must be sobering up. I’ll send Katsuko, with your permission. I’ll take care of the finances of it, and you can pay me back later.” Jessica shook her head and looked back at her friend. The brief nap had sobered her.

  “I can’t pay you back later, Astrid. Lady J is fighting just to survive. That’s one of the reasons nobody’s gone to New York yet.”

  “Would Lady J accept a loan from me?”

  Jessica smiled. “I don’t know, but her mother might. Can I give it some thought?”

  “Sure. After Katsuko gets back. I have news for you. You’re not allowed to make any decisions for the next two weeks. None. Not even what you eat for breakfast. That’s part of the ground rules of this little vacation of yours. I’ll advance the money for the fall line, and we’ll work it out later. I need a tax write-off anyway.”

  “I … but …”

  “Shut up.”

  “You know something?” Jessie looked at her with a small smile and tired, swollen eyes. “Maybe I will. I need the fall line or the shop will fold anyway. What the hell. Was Katsuko happy about going?”

  “What do you think?” The two women smiled again and Astrid pulled up in front of her own house. “Can you make it up my stairs?” Jessica nodded, and slowly followed Astrid into the house. “I just need a few things; I’ll only be gone overnight. I want to be at work tomorrow.” She glowed at the words. And fifteen minutes later they were back in the car and heading for the freeway. Jessie still felt as though a bomb had hit her life, now everything was moving too quickly.

  The words with Ian came back to her as they drove along in silence. She had closed her eyes and Astrid thought she was sleeping. But she was wide awake. Too much so. And more awake than she had been in a long time. She needed another pill, and Astrid had flushed them all down the toilet, back at the house. All of them. The red ones, the blue ones, the yellow ones, the black-and-green ones. There was nothing left. Except her own head, pounding with Ian’s words … and his face … and … why had they done that to each other? Why the venom, the hatred, the anger? It didn’t make sense to her. Nothing did. Maybe they’d always hated each other. Maybe even the good times had been a lie. It was so hard to figure it all out now. And it was too late anyway. Looking for the answers was like searching for your grandmother’s silver thimble in the rubble of your home after it had burned to the ground. Together, she and Ian had set fire to their marriage, and from opposite sides of a pane of glass had watched it burn, fanning the flames, refusing to leave until the last beam was gone.r />
  Chapter 25

  Astrid touched her shoulder again and she woke up, frightened and confused about where she was. The pills had really worn off now and she felt jangled.

  “Take it easy, Jessie. You’re at the ranch. It’s almost midnight, and everything’s fine.” Jessica stretched and looked around. It was dark but stars shone overhead. There was a fresh smell in the air, and she could hear the whinny of horses somewhere in the distance. And just to their right was a large stone house with bright yellow shutters. The house was well lit and a door stood open.

  Astrid had slipped inside for a moment with her mother before waking Jessie. Her mother was not shocked or even surprised. She had been through crises before, with Astrid, with friends, with family years before. Things happened to people, they were shaken for a while, but most of them survived. A few didn’t, but most did. And the ranch was a good place to recover.

  “Come on, sleepyhead, my mother has some hot chocolate and sandwiches waiting, and I don’t know about you, but I’m starved.” Astrid stood next to the open car and Jessica ran a comb through her hair with a rueful grin.

  “How’s she fixed for pills?”

  “She’s not.” Astrid looked searchingly at Jessie. “Is it bad?”

  Jessica nodded and then shrugged.

  “But I’ll live. Hot chocolate, huh? How does that compare to Seconal?” Astrid made a face at her and got her suitcase out of the trunk.

  “I went through the same thing after Tom. I arrived here and my mother threw everything out. All the pills. And I was a lot less good-natured about it than you were this afternoon.”

  “I was just too stoned to react. You were lucky. And here, let me carry that.” She reached for the suitcase and Astrid gave it up to her. “Ian always says that an Amazon like me …” And then she stopped and let her voice trail off. Astrid watched the bowed head as she quietly walked toward the house. She was glad she had brought her, and only sorry she hadn’t done it before. She wondered just how serious the fight with Ian had been. Something told her this was for real, but it was impossible to tell.

  Their shoes crunched on the gravel walk that led to the house, and the smell of fresh grass and flowers was everywhere. Jessie noticed that the place looked cheerful even in the dark. There was an array of multicolored flowers all around the stone building and in great profusion near the door. She smiled as she walked past them and up the single step.

  “Watch your head!” Astrid called out as she almost hit it against the doorway, and the two women arrived in the front hall side by side. There was a small upright piano there, painted bright red, a long mirror, a number of bronze spittoons, and a wall of exotic and colorful hats. Just beyond were pine floors and hooked rugs, comfortable couches and a rocking chair by the fire. There were warm-looking oil paintings and a long wall of books. It was an odd combination of good modern, delightful Victorian, simply enjoyable, and pleasantly old, but it worked. Plants and an old Victrola painted red like the piano, some first-edition books, and a very handsome modern couch covered in a pale oatmeal fabric. Old lace granny curtains hung at the windows, and a large tiled stove stood in one corner. The room looked happy and warm, with a surprising element of chic.

  “Good evening.”

  Jessica turned at the sound of a voice and saw a tiny woman standing in the kitchen doorway. She had the same blond-gray hair as her daughter and cornflower blue eyes that sparkled and laughed. The simple words “good evening” sounded as though they amused her. She walked slowly toward Jessica and held out a hand. “It is very nice indeed to have you here, my dear. I take it Astrid has warned you that I’m a querulous old woman and the ranch is dull as dishwater. But I’m delighted you’ve come down.” The light in her eyes danced like flame.

  “I warned her of no such thing, Mother. I raved about the place, so you’d better be on your best behavior.”

  “Good God, how awful. Now I shall have to put away all my pornographic books and cancel the dancing boys, shall I? How distressing.” She clasped her hands as though greatly disturbed and then burst forth with a youthful giggle. She gestured comfortably toward the couch and the two women followed her to seats near the fire. The promised hot chocolate was waiting in a Limoges china service patterned with delicate flowers.

  “That’s pretty, Mother. Is it new?” Astrid poured herself a cup of hot chocolate and looked at the china.

  “No, dear. It’s very old—1880, I believe.” The two women exchanged a teasing glance. One could easily see that they were not only mother and daughter, but also friends. Jessica felt a pang of envy as she watched, but also the glow of reflected warmth.

  “I meant, is it new to you?” Astrid took a sip of the warm chocolate.

  “Oh, that’s what you meant! Yes, as a matter of fact it is.”

  “Wretch, and you knew I’d notice and you used it tonight just to show it off.” But she looked pleased at the implied compliment, and her mother laughed.

  “You’re absolutely right! Pretty, isn’t it?”

  “Very.” The two women’s eyes danced happily, and Jessica smiled, taking in the scene. She was surprised at the youthful appearance of Astrid’s mother. And at the elegance that had stayed with her despite the passing of years and life on the ranch. She was wearing well-cut gray gabardine slacks and a very handsome silk blouse that Jessie knew must have come from Paris. It was in very flattering blues that picked up the color of her eyes. She wore it with pearls and several large and elegant gold rings, one with a rather large diamond set in it. She looked more New York or Connecticut than ranch. Jessie almost laughed aloud remembering the image Astrid had portrayed of her months before, in cowboy gear. That was hardly the picture Jessie was seeing.

  “You came at the right time, Jessica. The countryside is so lush and lovely at this time of year. Soft and green and almost furry-looking. I bought the ranch at this time of year, and that’s probably why I succumbed. Land is so seductive in the spring.”

  Jessica laughed. “I didn’t exactly plan it this way, Mrs. Williams.” But my husband went to prison and I turned into a junkie on sleeping pills and tranquilizers and you see, I tried very hard to have a nervous breakdown and we had this awful fight this morning and … she laughed again and shook her head. “I didn’t plan it at all. And you’re very kind to have me down here on such short notice.”

  “No problem at all.” She smiled, but her eyes took in everything. She noticed that Jessica was eating nothing and only sipping at her hot chocolate. She was smoking her second cigarette in the moments since the two women had arrived. She suspected that Jessica had acquired the same problem Astrid had had after Tom’s death. Pills. “Just make yourself at home, my dear, and stay as long as you like.”

  “I may stay forever.”

  “Of course not. You’ll be bored in a week.” The old woman’s eyes twinkled again and Astrid laughed.

  “You’re not bored here, Mother.”

  “Oh, yes, I am, but then I go to Paris or New York or Los Angeles, or come up to visit you in that dreadful mausoleum of yours …”

  “Mother!”

  “It is and you know it. A very handsome mausoleum, but nonetheless … you know what I think. I told you last year that I thought you ought to sell it and get a new house. Something smaller and younger and more cheerful. I’m not even old enough to live there. I told Tom that when he was alive, and I can’t imagine why I shouldn’t tell you now.”

  “Jessica has the sort of place you would adore.”

  “Oh? A grass hut in Tahiti, no doubt.” All three women laughed and Jessica made an attempt at eating a sandwich. Her stomach was doing somersaults, but she hoped that if she ate something her hands might cease trembling. She suspected that she was in for a rough couple of days, but at least the company would be good. She was already in love with Astrid’s outspoken mother.

  “She lives in that marvelous blue-and-white house in the next block from us. The one with all the flowers out front.”

&nbs
p; “I do remember it more or less. Pretty, but a bit small, isn’t it?”

  “Very,” Jessica said between bites. The sandwich was cream cheese and ham with fresh watercress and paper-thin slices of tomato.

  “I can’t bear the city anymore myself. Except for a visit. But after a while, I’m glad to come home. The symphonies bore me, the people overdress, the restaurants are mediocre, the traffic is appalling. Here, I ride in the morning, walk in the woods, and life feels like an adventure every day. I’m too old for the city. Do you ride?” Her manner was so brisk that it was hard to believe she was past fifty-five; Jessica knew she was in fact seventy-two. She smiled at the question.

  “I haven’t ridden in years, but I’d like to.”

  “Then you may. Do whatever you want, whenever you want. I make breakfast at seven, but you don’t have to get up. Lunch is a free-lance proposition, and dinner’s at eight. I don’t like country hours. It’s embarrassing to eat dinner at five or six. And I don’t get hungry till later anyway. And by the way, my daughter introduced me as Mrs. Williams, but my name is Bethanie. I prefer it.” She was peppery as all hell, but the blue eyes were gentle and the mouth always looked close to laughter.

  “That’s a beautiful name.”

  “It’ll do. And now, ladies, I bid you good night. I want to ride early in the morning.” She smiled warmly at her guest, kissed her daughter on the top of her head, and walked briskly up the stairs to her bedroom, having assured Jessica that Astrid would give her a choice of rooms. There were three to choose from, and they were all quite ready for guests. People came to visit Bethanie often, Astrid explained. It was a rare week when no one stayed at the ranch. Friends from Europe included her in their elaborate itineraries, other friends flew out to the Coast from New York and rented cars to drive down to see her, and she had a few friends in Los Angeles. And of course Astrid.

  “Astrid, this is simply fabulous.” Jessica was still a bit overwhelmed by it all. The house, the mother, the hospitality, the openness of it all, and the peppery warmth of her hostess. “And your mother is remarkable.” Astrid smiled, pleased.