Drafts of a Suicide Note

by Wong, Mandy-Suzanne

  So let’s see. 1st it was: “Are you sure Hardy’s empty? You sure you had the right book?” Then I had to tell Kenji I threw the thing away. Baby didn’t want nothing to do with me after that. I sat outside his door holding my head while the news destroyed him.

  Then the doorbell. Sigh! My face was a mess, my kimono was sweaty & tear-soaked, I couldn’t make myself put down Kenji’s PJs. I also smelled. But I thought maybe it was Martin. It was evening, about 7:00.

  It wasn’t Martin.

  “Oh no, mochi, you look awful, look at your hair!” Erik tried to hug me, that horrible malicious gossip.

  “Kenji can’t see nobody! Especially you! Martin told me what you said. Your own brother. The commissioner of all people!”

  “Aw, mochi, it’s been so hard on you, I can’t imagine.”

  No one else bothered to say that. Not my husband, not my sister, they sort of thought I’d brought it on myself. Not even Kenji. Tears starting already, mercy, my nerves are fried, I needed a hug so bad, & Kiki was Kiki & his hands were shaped like Kenji’s, his shoulders too. My head fell on Kiki’s shoulder, my face in Kenji’s clothes on Kenji’s doorstep, Kenji’s little brother patted me on the back.

  “Mochi, listen. They’re on their way. Momma-sama, Motomura-san, my dad, & I’ve never seen her like this, mochi, I’m telling you. I came early, I drove like lightning to warn my brother, he’s gotta be prepared.”

  Prepared. By Erik. I wriggled away.

  “Prepared.” Yeah, right. This is the guy (& I’d just let him hug me!) who handed “the impersonator” faces of dead people & instead of owning up about it let his brother hurt himself. “You mean you wanna put your words in Kenji’s mouth so he’ll go on taking the blame in front of your momma. Well, that in’t happenin no more.”

  “Nabilah-chan, I’m telling you this as your friend. Say what you gotta say to me, but don’t go trying to play it tough with them. You’re too little. You don’t know how. Kenji needs somebody here who knows how to handle them. Now, you gonna let me in or what?”

  “No.”

  Erik laughed. That’s when I noticed he was different. Starting with his laugh. He looked the same, slick & colorful in his snazzy suit, & the sun was heading west over our heads, making his gold Bermudiana tiepin sparkle. But his laugh was mostly snort, it rounded out with him sucking his teeth, no giggle in it. So I mean, it wasn’t a Kiki laugh. & the way he stood, hands in his pockets. Like they told us not to do at school cuz it messed with the crisp look of our uniforms. Shaking his head at the ocean like the ocean was the “little” one “trying to play it tough.” Like Kiki himself wasn’t the opposite of tough, jealous of his brother & whiny about it to boot.

  Was that why I didn’t slam the door in his face, cuz aceboy was so different? Was it cuz I was too chicken to do such an un-Christian thing? Even his voice was different. Lower. Quieter. Not softer, Erik always had a hard voice, hard like a cymbal or a school bell. Now it was hard like ice.

  “You know, mochi, soon as I heard Professor K was onto this, I figured he was out to get me. I wanted Char or, you know, somebody to throw him off the trail. But she thought he could lead us to wherever that stupid woman went & disappeared to.”

  He meant Aetna Simmons. Using my Baby as bait for Aetna Simmons.

  Course I had to bite my tongue. Ya boy went on shaking his head at the ocean. “I think she got distracted. Char, I mean. One day you’ll have to explain why women fall all over that so-&-so.”

  “It wasn’t about Kenji, just her being a fat old demon who eats everything in sight.”

  I never would’ve dreamed Kiki could growl. Kiki-chan who air-kissed the maitre d’ with his pinkies sticking out. “Mochi, you don’t know _____, OK? Tucked up in your little warehouse round backatahn, which my Momma-sama bankrolled from the outset (not true, but I had to let it go), you just don’t know what it’s like to have to fight thru a world where people don’t need reasons for stomping on other people. But a small-island half-breed who’s gotta play the global stage, or a black woman with—”

  “I’m a black woman. You don’t see me going around leaving my shorts on the floor.”

  “A black woman & a single mom & a lesbian.”

  “What?! Go head, bye, don’t even worry with it.”

  “Yes, girl, I’m telling you. Char’s a divorcee with a feisty little girl, & they hate each other’s guts. Besides, Char in’t got no Momma-sama to call her own. Her family owns a major, I mean major gospel record label, & they kicked her to the curb when they found out she loved a woman—”

  “That in’t got nothin to do with nothin.”

  “Disowned, disavowed, disinherited. Like she never existed. & so, saddest thing ever, mochi, Char started to hate the girl she loved. Later being pregnant made her hate being a girl herself. Now the only one who understands her is me.”

  “Come on, bye. Boohoo for Brooklyn skank, so she’s got a right to steal people’s inheritances & poison Kenji with self-hatred? I don’t think so.”

  This acegirl might be a softy but I was down to my last drop of nerve. Char Richards didn’t have no “demon’s preternatural energy,” she told Kenji “we’re the same” just to make him think he’s as worthless as she is, & whatever “wavelength” she made him think they “cohabited” was just the simple fact that she knew all about him before he even learned her name thanks to the biggest gossip who ever walked the earth! & I was gonna tell Erik about himself, I had my finger sticking out & everything. He was talking over me, sputtering about my use of the word “skank.” & those hybrids like the Prius, they don’t make a sound when they go slow. That’s why we didn’t notice the footsteps on the stairs.

  Kenji’s father: “Nabilah?” (Like I was a surprise. Guess I was, but SIGH!)

  Kenji’s mother: “At least there’s someone watching him.”

  Me: “I’m sorry, it’s not a good time. Kenji can’t see anyone.”

  Erik: “Que sera sera, mochi-chan.”

  Mrs C: “I will see my son.”

  Mr Motomura bowed at me. Didn’t say a word except what he said with his hands: Move aside or else.

  I didn’t move. I am Kenji’s acegirl, Kenji’s line of defense, the 1st & last.

  Me (pretending like my heart’s not stampeding from chest to head & back): “Kenji was in respiratory failure. Technically he’s stable now, but he’s not out of danger. Dealing with visitors will upset him.”

  Mr C: “We’re not visitors, we’re his family.”

  Me (last drop of nerve): “Well, I’m the one who loves him.”

  Mr C: “Is that right? Where, may I ask, is your husband?”

  Mrs C: “Quiet. There’s no need to broadcast our trouble to the world. Nabilah, will you at least let us come in and discuss with you what has happened to my son? Because he’s an adult, the hospital is prohibited from giving any information even to his mother.”

  Me: frazzled hair, naked toes, Kenji’s PJs in my fist. I must’ve looked like a fresh-caught mutt that grew up feral. I started thinking: Mercy, what if E was right & I can’t handle them, Masami Okada-Caines & her army of angry boys & me, just me? When I looked at E, he shrugged. & Mrs C sounded freakishly reasonable, not angry (unlike me), not frightened (unlike me), & she’s always had this power in her voice, this weird energy even when she’s quiet (definitely not like me), I can’t explain it but I feel it, I feel everybody feeling it.

  I only know one person who stood up to it. One skinny little boy never forgot to squeeze my hand to tell me I was safe from it. With the “Co, Ltd” ganging up on me, the empty cavity I was carrying inside felt a whole lot emptier.

  I remembered KEMH wouldn’t let me stay with him at night cuz I’m not family. I remembered what he wrote & realized that his family has the power to hurt Martin & BHS, but would they? Is Mrs C that sort of person? I got confused, I felt weak with missing Kenji & Martin
. Maybe that’s how they got in, I don’t know, so much else has happened, a whirlpool of things happening so I’m not sure who I am anymore.

  Erik pulled out the kitchen stools for his momma & daddy. Kenji’s kitchen only has 2 stools. As Mr C sat down, E showed him something on his phone. Mr C shook his head at me & laughed, a snort-laugh just like Erik’s not-a-Kiki-laugh, & in a flash I knew what they were looking at.

  I remembered my own voice tearing Kenji apart. Remembering it thinned me so I felt like I was just a see-thru surface disguising an empty cavity. I said weakly, “Erik. You sent Martin that picture?”

  “Technically that was Char.”

  “But you told her. Martin’s name, Martin’s—”

  “What picture is this?” Mrs C.

  She snapped her fingers twice, E put his phone in her hand. I kissed my Baby in the palm of her hand.

  Guess I got a little loud. But how could anyone with feelings strategize like that? All E wanted was to “throw K off the trail,” he’d said so. But to scar our love with shame, maybe break it: “That’s your idea of a distraction?! Hoping Kenji & me & Martin gonna be too hurt to care about investment portfolios??!!”

  Mr C: “You should be ashamed, young lady. Your husband, too. Instead you’re tyring to tell me how to run my family.”

  Mrs C: “Did I not tell you to be quiet?”

  Me: “Kiki, look at me.”

  He looked like an immigration officer in a mean & dirty city. He looked like he didn’t care, didn’t know me from Adam, colorless & stiff & hating me for all of it. Mercy, there was no Kiki here! The way his eyes glinted, it was almost like there never was! He got his phone back from his momma & said: “Family first.”

  “Kenji IS your family!!!”

  Mrs C: “Nabilah, that’s enough.”

  “But look at what he did!!!”

  Kenji, my Kenji—he put his hand on my shoulder.

  I spun around & squealed. My Baby came to rescue me! I threw my arms around him, pinning us to the wall that held him up. His eyes were like the windows on a ruined house, empty & packed with ghosts. He had a scary drained-to-the-point-of-going-crazy look intent on the terrible effort of being there. But he was there, right there with me. & the arm that wasn’t bracing him against the wall was holding me to protect me. I could feel against my cheek: Kenji’s breathing “scurrying thru the labyrinth of horrors,” Kenji facing down the woman who’d terrified him all his life, battling death & his own body & the people who’d hurt him so bad, & all for me! I didn’t care what those lot thought of us, I held him tight. I wanted to be the thing that held him up.

  He said, “Whatever you’re doing here, it’s got nothing to do with Nabi.”

  A flicker of fire! A match snatching at a spark in a windy night. It made Kenji squeeze me a little, I know it did! But even if the squeeze was my imagination, the flicker burst my heart like a piñata. I went up on my toes, kissed my Baby on the cheek. Kenji looked at me like I’d stabbed him in the back.

  Mrs C: “Kenji, explain what happened, please.”

  Kenji didn’t answer. He looked at me, looked so lost & torn apart the soft strength-giving thing I’d meant to say flew out of my head.

  Kenji’s daddy: “We’ve got a special hospital lined up. Switzerland.”

  Kenji’s acegirl: “No, you can’t take him away!”

  Kenji’s brother (!): “Onii-san. Brah, you gotta sit down. Dad, the stool, you gotta let—”

  Kenji: “No. No. You threaten Nabi again & I’ll—Martin’s gonna make you lot wish you were never born.”

  Kenji’s momma: “Calm down & listen. We’re here to help you.”

  “Martin knows everything! Enough to ruin every one of you!” Kenji was shivering like a leaf about to fall. I wedged my shoulder under his shoulder, threw my weight into it. I saw us as he saw us: beaten up & rumpled, panting like something was chasing us thru an uphill maze, us 2 in our soggy sleepwear, bus-stop pink & baby blue, while those lot in their power suits “pressed in on us like labyrinthine walls”!

  Mr C: “Who’s threatening who, you idiot?”

  Mrs C: “Quiet. You will come home with us, Kenji.”

  Kenji: “Isn’t this payback enough?”

  Mr C: “You think our wanting to help is payback?”

  Kenji: “I in’t going nowhere. You gotta kill me first.” (!!!!!!)

  Mrs C: “All right. Enough.” She stood.

  Me: squeak of surprise as Kenji gripped my elbow. Like maybe he meant to stuff me between him & the wall or maybe he had no idea that he’d done anything. Then a lot happened at once.

  Behind Mrs C, Erik stepped forward. I thought he was gonna touch his momma’s rigid shoulder, but he stepped back again, wide-eyed. Mr C: “Bye, you are one mistake after another.” Me: “No Baby I miss you!!” Kenji looking at me, Kenji didn’t say a word but he was begging me, begging for I don’t know what. Confusion like a knife in my belly, Kenji’s shoulders sagged & his momma said:

  “I’ve only ever done what is best for you, Kenji. In return, you have disgraced this family, as your father says, one disgrace after another. You’ve attempted to disgrace my life’s work, Caines Asset Management, & you’ve done so without remorse, without a thought to the consequences for others. You’ve attempted to do this thing to yourself, fully aware that such an act would stigmatize our family. I’d rather have discussed this when your health is restored, but your refusal to help yourself by allowing anyone to help you, disdaining your family even when you need us most & doing so in the cruelest, basest fashion—”

  Me: “Mrs C, this isn’t the way—”

  Kenji: “It doesn’t matter. Get out, all of you.”

  Mrs C: “When we leave you here, Kenji, it will be for the last time. If that is truly what you wish, you’ll no longer be a son to anyone.”

  Kenji looked at his momma, Masami Okada-Caines looked at her firstborn baby. I tried to tell myself that what I saw flying between them wasn’t hate.

  Me: “You don’t mean that, Mrs C.”

  Mr C: “Stay out of this.”

  Kenji: “It doesn’t matter.” He dropped my elbow, put his hand to his stomach.

  Erik: “He messed up your family too. Admit it, Nabilah-chan.”

  Me: “Not true, Kenji—”

  Nobody else heard Kenji gasp. But they must’ve seen him start to double over slowly, they couldn’t have missed the look on Kenji’s face that meant he wished his heart would stop right then & there. It didn’t help that 3 of us spoke at once:

  Me: “Baby, come back to bed.”

  K: “Go home. Let Martin protect you.”

  Mrs C: “I’d advise you to keep your remarks to yourself. You too, thru years of thoughtlessness, consistently cause our family to lose face in both our countries.”

  Kenji looked at her one last time. Mrs C didn’t notice, she was talking to Erik (!):

  “& this reckless scheme of yours. Dead people, for Heaven’s sake! 6 months’ suspension, relieved of all accounts, sans renumeration, effective immediately.”

  Erik! He was sorta smirking, I think he assumed Mrs C was scolding K, but when she mentioned accounts, I bet that smirk fell kerplunk right off his face. Not like I actually saw it, cuz Kenji lurched out of the room. I lurched too, hanging onto him, but at the bathroom door he pushed me back into the hallway. He slammed the door & locked it & threw up.

  & Kenji’s family? Their voices stalked us all the way. Those lot kept right on squabbling without missing a beat.

  “Suspension?” Erik.

  “While your brother is reduced to this.” Mrs C.

  “But I did it for you. For you & Dad & CAM.”

  Me: banging on the bathroom door (with blubbering).

  “It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter!” Kenji choking & retching.

  Mr C boomed like a magistrat
e: “You did it to get in that woman’s pants.”

  ?!?!!!

  No. NOOOO. Do not need this, I thought. Didn’t know whose pants he was talking about & didn’t wanna know. With those yucky words in one ear & the sounds of Kenji’s PAINFUL self-rejection in the other, I dashed to the kitchen to get rid of those heartless people.

  Mrs C: “Will you be quiet? You insist on making preemptive remarks, but I assure you their shock value is nullified by their vulgarity. One more outburst & you’ll be waiting in the car.”

  She meant Mr C! He didn’t say nothing, Mrs C was dangerously vexed. She didn’t look vexed, mind you, & if I didn’t know English & just listened to her voice I wouldn’t have thought she sounded vexed. It’s just the words, like Baby wrote, a “torrent of words” from Mrs C means she is way past vexed & into rage. & she had more to say:

  “If I have permitted you—without putting a stop to your ridiculous playacting, without even making comment—to abuse every homosexual stereotype (now she meant Erik!), I did so for one reason alone, though it was clearly a mistake. Do you know what that reason is? It is that your duty as my son is to continue the Okada line. I trusted your ability to win Char Richards as you obviously hoped to do—”

  “My God, how’d you even—” Erik, so shocked he had to whisper.

  “I’m not blind, Erik-Katsuo. In fact it seems I am the only person here who is capable of seeing past the end of their own nose. You have not only failed in your filial duty, you’ve permitted Char’s corruption to blacken your ambitions at terrible risk to CAM. Your comportment as a giggling buffoon damages our menboku every time you are seen in the conservative streets of Hamilton or Tokyo. You know this, Katsuo.”

  “But okaa-san, I never wanted to deceive you! (Sigh! & if it wasn’t for that hug I wouldn’t have let E finish, but he needed to get this out & clearly Mrs C did too, & OK so the idea of interrupting when Mrs C was dangerously vexed plain petrified me.) I just wanted to show Char that even in Bermuda you can find the courage to love who you want to love. Seriously, that’s all I wanted. You know, with all the boys. But if Char found it in her to let me into her heart (like an everything-eating demon’s got one of those), I’d dump whatever boy & go on & love Char Richards like she deserves to be loved.”