The Passionate Mistake

by Amelia Hart

  She fought her instinctive interpretation: that she was contemptible and selfish to focus on her own wellbeing.

  Dad, I know things are tough right now –”

  “Do you? Do you really?” His lip curled in a faint sneer. “What on earth can you possibly know about tough? You have no idea what it is to lie awake at nights, wondering how you’re going to feed your family.”

  She was horrified he thought things at Techdos had reached that point. When had that happened? Surely she hadn’t been out of touch so long? “That will never be an issue. Come on Dad. I’m never going to let you guys starve. I don’t have to go back to uni just now. I’ll go to work. Outside our company, I mean. I’ve got a great CV, with all those competition wins. I’ll find a place, no sweat. I’ll make sure we’re all fed.”

  “Food isn’t enough. We have to think about the future, too. Janet is all ready to start uni next year. What will you say to her? You’ll say your feelings are worth more than her education? More than a lifetime of opportunity and open doors for her?”

  But as he switched so quickly from one threat to the next, from starvation to the damage to Janet’s future, he lost her. She realized he was pulling out guilt tactics to try and herd her where he wanted her to go. But he had already used this argument on her when he talked her into the attack on DigiCom in the first place. It convinced her that time, but she’d had a while to mull it over and it wasn’t so persuasive the second time round.

  “I’ve talked it over with her already. She has savings, and she can get a student loan-” Her eyes were narrowed as she watched this man whose vision of the world had ruled her for so many years.

  “And start her professional life with a mountain of debt?” He was working up to a fine head of steam now, his face growing redder, his hands clenching and unclenching around his glass. Kate tried to keep her cool, though she felt the stirrings of her own temper, an instinctive response to his choler that was hard to quell. “No daughter of mine-”

  “Or she could get a part-time job,” she fired back. “Like I did. She could even wait a few years and work before she starts study. I did that too. It didn’t do me any harm. In fact I think I’m better for some time in the wider world outside school. It’s not like I stopped learning while I worked for Techdos. There are courses and books and –”

  “And you’re years behind your peers. You’re missing out on those friendships, that feeling of equality–” But here he made another mistake, trying to make her feel sorry for herself. She had nothing but pride for what she had achieved. And it outraged her he should imply pity for her when he had never cut her a moment’s slack on Techdos deadlines or demands so she could focus on her studies or social life.

  “No, I’m not,” she cut him off, coming to her feet to glare down at him. “I’m happy. Or I was. And those peers? I was doing better than all of them. I was leading my class. My lecturers and tutors were talking about the Frater Prize, and I’d only completed my first year. Do you have any idea how exceptional that is? What that meant about the quality of my work? I told you, but you weren’t interested in that. I was happy. But you didn’t hesitate to pull me out, did you?”

  She remembered his emotional manipulations, leaning on her at the end of the final semester to go start work at DigiCom, to move beyond the internet-based attacks she had tried from outside the company at his behest. He had talked about how her family needed her, how desperate things were for the future of the company, so as soon as the semester finished and study leave began she applied for a post at DigiCom, fitting in her exams in fake ‘sick leave’ time, working full time and studying in the evenings.

  A person with less mastery of the syllabus might have failed. Let alone the stress her false role had laid on her life, just when she needed to be calm and focused. She hadn’t applied for the Frater prize in the end.

  “What was my education worth then?” she accused him. “What about my prospects? If I had won that prize I could walk into any software company in the country and named the price of my employment. But did you care about that?”

  “You’ll work for us. Prizes don’t matter. We’d hire you no matter what.”

  “It mattered to me, Dad. It was important to me.” She choked back those wretched, inconvenient tears. This was no time for sorrow to break through the anger. She refused to give him an edge. “And maybe I don’t want to work for you after all.”

  “What are you saying?” His bushy brows almost met the top of his nose now.

  “It’s time I was more independent. I don’t agree with the choices you’re making. I don’t want to be part of them.”

  “But we’re family. You can’t walk away from that.”

  “I’m hoping I don’t have to. I’m hoping I can be my own person and still have my family.”

  “Don’t count on it,” he ground out. “Don’t count on us being there for you when you refuse to stand by us in our hour of need.”

  “I’m still here, dad. I’m still standing next to you. But I won’t steal for you, and I won’t work for you either. I’m done with that. I’m not you. I’m myself. I need to make my own decisions, for myself.”

  “You are despicable. How can you say this to me? To me! After all I’ve done for you. You insolent, ungrateful bitch!”

  She stared at him, stunned. He was almost gibbering with rage, leaning forward in his chair to spit the words at her, his hands shaking so the whiskey danced in his glass.

  “Dad!” she said in reproach.

  “Get out. Get out get out GET OUT!” He stood as he spoke and came towards her with an arm raised threateningly.

  She didn’t wait to find out if he would actually hit her for the first time in her life. She backed away, turned and fled down the hall and into the lounge, where Janet and Luke were draped over the couch texting and Damian was watching TV. He glanced up as she entered, greeting her with a casual: “Hey,” before returning his attention to the screen. She went and sat next to him, near enough their knees and the backs of their wrists touched, and leaned her head in even closer so the others couldn’t hear her.

  “Dad just totally blew up at me,” she said, reaching for the comfort of their bond.

  “He’s pretty stressed out right now. Don’t worry about it.”

  “I thought he was going to hit me.” This was so outrageous she was still shaking with the impact of the threat.

  “I’ve thought that a time or two. It passes. He gets over it.”

  She took a breath. A second one, astonished and creeped out that he dismissed the idea so casually. How could it not be a big deal to him? “I hope so,” she said slowly, frowning at him, her gaze intent on his face. “I told him I wasn’t going to steal that software for him. Or work for him.” At that she finally had his full attention.

  He turned his whole body towards her, his brow lowering, a younger version of Dad. “Say what?”

  She found herself sidling away a couple of inches on the couch, still close enough to talk quietly, but not close enough to touch.

  “I don’t want to do it. The boss of the company – Mike – he’s a really solid guy. I like him. I don’t want to screw him over.”

  She watched his face cloud more, the similarity to their father growing even stronger so her heart sank with dread. “So you’ll screw us instead?” he hissed, and she watched the hands on his knees curl into fists. “Kate, we need that software. Otherwise the company’s going to go under.”

  “Look, if the company’s not viable on its own then maybe it’s time to call it a day. Start doing something else.”

  He went white around the lips. “That’s my inheritance. I’m not giving it up.”

  “I’m not asking you to. But if the only way you can keep it is to cheat and steal, is it really worth it?”

  “What’s made you so high and mighty all of a sudden?”

  In his voice she heard the same sneer she had just heard their father use, and it chilled her to the bone. She assessed him for
the first time as if he was a stranger. He was her twin, her brother, the other half of herself.

  But suddenly it was a half she didn’t like.

  “I don’t feel high and mighty,” she said in flat denial. “But I do feel like I’ve been listening to someone other than Dad, for once. And like I’m giving myself space to think, too. And that’s given me a chance to reconsider –”

  “Listening to someone else? Would that be Mike, then?” He twisted the name with contempt.

  She took a deep breath, her nostrils flaring. When he spoke like that she didn’t want to tell him anything, but she wasn’t about to lie, either. “Yes. We’ve become close –”

  “Talk about not wanting to screw him. You are screwing him!” he made the intuitive leap, and she bit her lip, a sign he read unerringly. “You are! His cock’s worth more to you than your family!”

  He shouted the last. She cast a look at Janet and Luke who were gaping at them in astonishment, then stood and took a step back, putting a real distance between them, an echo of the chasm she could feel yawning in her heart. She didn’t want to have this conversation in front of the teenagers but she would not be made to feel ashamed of caring for Mike, nor to act as if she was.

  “Who I sleep with is none of your business –”

  “It is when it’s family business, Kate. You’ve made a mistake.” His tone was heavy with foreboding.

  “Maybe I have.” She couldn’t deny what she’d thought so often, but the mistake was not in loving a good man. It was in trying to deceive him in the first place. “If so I’ll just have to live with it.”

  “It doesn’t have to be.” Now his expression lightened as a new thought occurred to him. He offered it to her like it was a chance at redemption. “You can turn this to your advantage. I bet he keeps all his work at home, and doesn’t bother about the same protections as the office. You can hack in–”

  “Damian! I can’t do that! Not to someone I’m . . .” she trailed off, trying to find the right word. This was not the time to talk about love. But even if she and Mike had been only sexually involved and deeper feelings not a consideration, how could Damian suppose she would act like that? What was wrong with him?

  “You think he’s important? You think sleeping with him makes him something special? It’s never going to work out,” he taunted her cruelly. “You lied to him. You didn’t even tell him your real name. What’s he going to think of you when the truth comes out?”

  “He doesn’t have to know,” she whispered, feeling the shame of it, of how she’d behaved, hating for Janet and Luke to think she considered that okay.

  “Oh yes, real special. You’ll just keep right on lying to him. That will make it all better,” he said with devastating sarcasm. “Face the facts, Kate. You could never have a real relationship with him. When he finds out – and he will find out – he’ll think you’re revolting.”

  “It’s not like I actually did anything to him –” she pleaded with him.

  “But you were going to. That’s enough. Any man, with any sort of pride, won’t forgive a woman who makes a fool out of him. Sleeps with him. Uses him.” This was true. It was all true, on top of everything else she knew about his character. Hearing it said aloud so venomously by her twin was an extra twist to the knife he had placed in her guts.

  “Hopping into bed just makes it worse,” he went on, shaking his head at her. “He’ll hate you. And knowing you’re the kind of person who’d do that? He’ll never trust you. How could he? You’re a liar, a cheat and a thief.”

  “Is that really what you think of me?” she said softly in horrified wonder.

  “Of course.” He said it like it was nothing. Like she should have known that would be his attitude. “Only I know you did it for the right reasons. For family. I understand it. It’s a sacrifice. But he won’t. For him it’s betrayal. The only way he wouldn’t hate you is if you’re just an office fling. Then he won’t bother to hate you. He’ll just have you thrown in jail for industrial espionage.”

  It was her turn to be poleaxed.

  “If you feel that way about what I was doing, how could you let me go ahead with it? How could you let your own sister take a fall like that?”

  “You’re a grown-up. You can take care of yourself. And you certainly have taken care of yourself, haven’t you? In bed with the big boss.” His lips was curled in a sneer of open contempt, and it was such agony to hear the love she cherished spoken of like that by him. “But you’ve screwed it up, Kate. The only way you can make this good is if you stick with us, because what you’re trying to set up with him will never last. Don’t fool yourself.”

  “This isn’t . . . it isn’t like that,” she faltered.

  “It’s just idiotic, is what it is. I can’t believe you’d do something so dumb. Give it up already!”

  She stared at him, not knowing what to say, what to do, brimming over with hurt and anger and defiance. He hadn’t swayed her from her path. Only made her feel infinitely alone, knowing that no one stood with her in this.

  In the end she just walked to the front door, picking up her bag from the hook there and letting herself out of the place that had been her home for all her childhood. A hand caught the door before it could close behind her, and for a moment she thought it was Dad or Damian, come to apologize. But it was Janet, and the brief flicker of hope died.

  Then she felt ashamed, and offered her sister a hand to clasp. Janet ignored it and wrapped her arms around Kate, pulling her into a hug that abruptly made Kate feel small as she measured the womanly clasp of a girl who was no longer a child, offering her comfort as an equal.

  “Don’t mind them,” said Janet, rubbing her back, and after a frozen moment Kate relaxed and accepted the hug, hot tears welling to run down her face and into Janet’s hair. “Don’t mind them. They don’t know as much as they think they do. You’ll be okay. Everything will be okay. And if you don’t want to come back here for a while, I can always come to your place every month and we’ll fill your cake tins and freezer instead. You know? Because you’re really close to uni so it’ll be easy to pop over and see you. Or we can meet for lunch and all sorts. Please don’t go away from me just because they’re mean to you.”

  “Okay. Okay,” snuffled Kate. “I won’t. You’re right.” She backed off and swiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “You know . . . you understand I . . .” she faltered, not sure how to explain this other than with absolute frankness that still felt inappropriate between her and her little sister. But she couldn’t leave and let Damian’s words be the only version of the story.

  “I went into Mike’s company thinking I could just take that software and it wouldn’t matter. And then I found it did matter and I couldn’t do it. And I love him and it’s changed everything for me. And Damian’s . . . Damian’s right, he . . . it can’t end well . . . but I . . . oh.” She started to sob and Janet put her arms around Kate again, holding her tight and rubbing her back as Kate’s bitter tears soaked into her cotton shirt.

  She didn’t say anything, just stood there quietly. What was there to say? Finally Kate pulled herself together and backed up again, feeling wrecked.

  “I shouldn’t let them get to me. You’d think I’d know better by now.” Janet just smiled sympathetically, giving her shoulder a little pat.

  “Are you okay to drive?” she asked.

  “Oh sure, sure, I should be fine. I’ll just sit here for a minute until I’ve got it together.” She gestured to her car at the curb.

  “Do you want some company?”

  “Thanks, but no.” All she wanted now was to be alone. “I’ll give you a call, shall I?” She asked the question, not sure what she’d hear after the tumult of the past hour. But Janet was steadfast, unruffled, with a composure that surprised Kate.

  “Yeah, or text. Love you.”

  “Love you too, Jayjay,” she said, using a childish nickname she had almost forgotten. Janet gave her a sweet smile and turned away, stopping again
to blow a kiss from the front porch and then going inside the house.

  Kate stood and watched her out of sight and then opened the door of her car and got into it, feeling immeasurably older than when she had arrived that afternoon.

  What did this mean? She had always put family ahead of everything else in her life, and now it was falling apart around her ears. Was Mike really worth it? As soon as she had the thought, she had the answer as well.

  Yes.

  But of course it went deeper than just a choice between the two. It was also a choice to be the woman she was supposed to be: not just a copy of Dad but an individual with her own thoughts and feelings, her own set of ethics. She didn’t want the process to mean no contact with Dad, though at this moment she wasn’t sure how she would get past that raised fist. It was so sick.

  But if Dad didn’t give her the choice of maintaining their relationship because he was too angry at her defection she would just have to accept that. She had clung to her childish, obedient relationship with him for too long. She needed to grow up, like Damian had said. Just not in the way he had meant it.

  She saw again Damian’s face in her mind’s eye; his bitterness, his rage and vicious words. And in a strange sideways slip she saw him not as she had seen him, through the eyes of her own hurt and heartbreak. She saw him instead as Mike might have, if he’d been there, weighing up the situation, measuring him. She could almost hear his words: ‘He isn’t ready to leave your Dad. And he’s angry that you are, because he wants to. He’s fighting you and himself’.

  It was odd to be able to view the situation with clarity, to look at the angst and emotional storm that clouded every disagreement with her family, this one only more intense because it was over something so hugely important to her, where she was achingly vulnerable and in the wrong, and because it had skirted physical violence.

  She had been coping with lesser versions of that discussion for years now. She had always thought it made her stronger to go through them, to practice standing up for herself and to voice her opinions even if they were usually squelched. At least she made sure she was heard.