Dream Wedding

by Susan Mallery

  His pain called to her, making her want to step closer and offer him comfort. Knowing that he would refuse, she held back. “You’re doing everything exactly right. There are no set rules. Every parent has to find his or her way in the dark. Sasha isn’t going to understand any complicated explanation about what happened to her folks. She only knows that she misses them deeply. Most of the time, when she’s happy, she’s fine, but when something rocks her world, she cries out for them. That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.”

  “I guess.” He sank onto the bench by the front door. A bowl of candy sat on the small table next to him. He reached in and pulled out a small candy bar, then held it out to her. “Want one?”

  “Sure.” She took it, then settled into the seat opposite his.

  Ryan unwrapped a piece of chocolate for himself and ate it. When he was done, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.

  “I didn’t think it would be like this,” he said. “Dealing with Sasha, I mean. When I found out John and Helen had made me her guardian, I was annoyed and frustrated, but I never got how big a responsibility it was.”

  “It’s a challenge,” she agreed. “But it’s worth it.”

  He raised his head and met her gaze. “I didn’t understand that part, either. But I do now. She’s kind of like a tick that burrows under the skin. First you notice a bump and don’t think much about it. The next thing you know, you’ve got a raging infection all through your body.”

  He grinned. “Sorry, that was kind of gross, and I didn’t mean it in a bad way. It’s just that for the first couple of weeks, I thought of Sasha as a responsibility I didn’t want to deal with. I was very happy to pass her on to you. Now I look forward to spending part of my day with her. The little kid has gotten under my skin.”

  His words created a warm feeling in Cassie’s stomach. Ryan had come to care about his niece. They would do well for each other, she thought, pleased that the sweet child would always have a family of her own. Someone who knew her history and could, in later years, tell her about her parents. Roots were important—Cassie knew that firsthand.

  Ryan fished another candy bar out of the bowl. He offered it to Cassie, but she shook her head. He opened it and took a bite. After he’d swallowed he said, “I was thinking about my brother earlier. He was about ten years older than me. We had different fathers, but that didn’t matter to us. We were really close. Apparently my mother had bad taste in men because neither of our dads bothered to stick around long enough to see us born.”

  He made the statement lightly, but Cassie caught the tension in his body. She knew exactly what it felt like to be abandoned by a parent, but she kept her compassion to herself. She had the feeling that at this moment in time Ryan needed to talk more than he needed to listen.

  “Our mother worked hard.” He shrugged. “She was always urging us to get ahead. John became a doctor.” He gave her a quick smile. “Mom was really proud of him. I was, too. It’s tough to get through all the training but he did it. Then he turned around and paid back his loans in record time.”

  He straightened on the bench and leaned his head against the wall. “About five years ago John called me to tell me he’d met Helen and they were getting married. I was a little surprised. In our family we were big on work, but relationships had never been that important. When I pointed that out John said he didn’t care. He’d fallen in love and he wanted to get married. He told me that he and Helen had also talked about starting a family. That one really threw me.”

  “You’ve never thought about doing that yourself?” Cassie asked before she could stop herself.

  Ryan shrugged. “Not really. I never saw the point. There have been women in my life, but no one I wanted to marry.”

  Cassie wasn’t sure what to make of that statement. He’d had women. Did that mean they’d all been lovers? Did he take women to his bed for a few times, then send them on their way? Or was it a mutual decision? Was that what other people did? She couldn’t even imagine.

  “He told me he wanted to slow down,” Ryan continued. “I remember staring at the phone not believing what he was saying. I’d just started making a success of my own company and I was working eighteen-hour days. Who had time to slow down? I couldn’t believe he meant it. Worse, I thought he was selling out.”

  He drew in a deep breath, but he didn’t speak. Cassie observed him, watched the play of light on his strong face, the twitch of a muscle as he clenched his jaw. At times she still didn’t understand Ryan, but right now she knew exactly what he was thinking.

  “You understand now,” she murmured. “His actions didn’t make sense five years ago, but you’re starting to understand what he was trying to tell you.”

  He nodded slowly. His gaze was steady and direct. “What I remember most about my mother is how hard she worked. She’d been poor for a long time and I understand that it’s difficult to let go of the past, but the last few years of her life, she could have slowed down some. She had two sons who were sending her money every month. But she wouldn’t spend it. We sent her nice clothes and things for the house. When she was gone, we found all of them, still in their boxes. She never wore them or used them. I don’t understand that.”

  Cassie didn’t either. “Do you think she was saving them?”

  “I don’t know. Sometimes I think she forgot what she was working for. The process became important and she lost sight of the goal.” He shook his head. “Or maybe it’s something else entirely. All I know is that she died too young, surrounded by lovely things she wouldn’t let herself enjoy.”

  He paused. “I wish…” His mouth twisted and he avoided her gaze.

  “What?” she asked.

  “I wish I’d spent more time with John. He and Helen kept inviting me here for holidays or just a weekend and I kept putting it off. I didn’t think it was as important as my work. I thought we’d have more time.”

  Her heart ached for him. He was in as much pain as Sasha, but in a way Ryan suffered more. He wouldn’t cry out or allow himself to be comforted.

  A vague feeling of disquiet settled over her. This was dangerous territory for her. Ryan the remote, successful man at the other end of the house was safe. She was allowed to have a crush on him without having to worry about getting into trouble. But this man was someone different. He wasn’t remote or hard to understand. If anything, she felt they had a lot in common. They talked and laughed together easily. She couldn’t have a crush on this Ryan because he was real. Once he was real, then her heart was at risk.

  Don’t be a fool, she told herself. He might be more real to her, but she was still just the nanny to him. He never thought of her as a woman, someone who might interest him.

  Ryan glanced out the window. “I guess we’re done with Halloween for this year.” He looked at his watch. “It’s after ten. I should probably let you get to bed.”

  She nodded, thinking that she should make her way upstairs. Morning came early when there was a two-year-old in the house.

  “I don’t suppose you’d care to join me for a quick drink,” he offered.

  Cassie opened her mouth to tell him that wasn’t a good idea. Not with the way her body had gone on alert, every cell tingling with breathless anticipation. But her legs were suddenly heavy and the stairs looked too tall to climb right now. It was just a drink, she argued with herself. What could it hurt?

  “That would be nice,” she said.

  He rose to his feet, then started toward the study he’d taken over as his office. “I think there’s some brandy in here,” he called over his shoulder.

  Cassie trailed after him. It was just a drink, she repeated silently. Nothing significant. It didn’t mean his feelings about her had changed. Oh, but she wanted it to mean something, she thought to herself as heat and excitement raced through her. Brandy. They were going to have a gla
ss of brandy together. She thought people only did that in the movies.

  She followed him toward the back of the house. While he opened the sliding doors that concealed the bar area in the study, she settled onto a corner of the dark blue leather sofa against the wall opposite the bay window.

  A large desk dominated the room. Ryan had brought in a new fax machine, a printer, some other computer equipment she didn’t recognize and three filing cabinets. There were thick overnight envelopes on his desk and stacks of paper on nearly every free surface.

  Ryan poured brandy into two glasses, then carried them over to the sofa. “I haven’t had this before,” he said as he handed her the quarter-full snifter. “But John always had excellent taste. I’m sure you’ll like it.” He touched his glass to hers.

  He acted as if she did this sort of thing all the time, she thought with some amazement. No way she was going to tell him that she was more of a beer and white wine kind of girl. Cassie didn’t think she’d ever tasted brandy before in her life. While Ryan sat down on the opposite end of the sofa, she took a first, tentative sip.

  The liquid burned her tongue and her throat, but not in a bad way. It really was exactly like what she’d read about in books—she could feel the fire all the way down to her stomach.

  “What do you think?” he asked.

  She gave him a smile. “I like it.” She took another sip and tried to act as if she did this regularly.

  Ryan set his drink on the glass coffee table in front of the couch. “I have something I’ve been meaning to mention before, but there hasn’t been a good time until now.”

  He paused and Cassie’s stomach sunk like a stone. What? Was he going to tell her he was dissatisfied with her work? Did he know about her infatuation and did that make him angry? Was it—“It’s about Joel,” he said.

  She blinked. “Joel?” That didn’t make sense. “What about him?”

  Ryan angled toward her and rested his hand along the back of the sofa. “You don’t see him very much. I’m concerned that your job is interfering with your relationship.” He leaned toward her slightly. “I appreciate how great you are with Sasha. You obviously adore her and the feeling is mutual. You work long hours. Again, you have my thanks, but I don’t want your personal life to suffer.” He gave a quick smile. “If I’m saying this all wrong, please forgive me. To be honest, I’ve never had this conversation with an employee before in my life.”

  She wasn’t sure what to say. Part of her thought it was really nice that he was concerned about her relationship with Joel. An equal part of her was annoyed that he was concerned about her relationship with Joel. Couldn’t the man have even the tiniest hint of jealousy or envy? She sighed. As everyone had pointed out to her, she wasn’t his type. He saw her as the hired help, someone to keep happy and treat fairly.

  “You’re very sweet to worry,” she said calmly, knowing he would be confused if she told him what she was thinking. Maybe confused was putting it mildly. He would probably be stunned…and not in a good way. “But there’s no reason for alarm. I’ve been seeing Joel as much as ever.”

  He frowned. “You’ve only gone out a couple of times a week since you’ve come to work for me.”

  “I know. That’s all we ever see each other.”

  “But it’s been nine years.”

  “We don’t need to spend every minute together.” She kept her tone pleasant, even though she was feeling vaguely attacked. “This works for us.”

  “If you’re finding each other boring before you get married, then you two are in trouble.”

  His voice was teasing, but Cassie couldn’t smile. Ryan spoke something she hadn’t dared to think to herself, but that she could no longer avoid. She stared at him helplessly, not sure what to say, then faked a chuckle as coldness enveloped her, chasing away any lingering warmth from the brandy. Was that what was wrong? she wondered. Did she and Joel already find each other boring?

  She dismissed the sense of foreboding that swept over her. It was the night, she told herself. Or maybe the man. None of this was real.

  They sipped their brandy in silence. Ryan told himself it was getting late and that he should send Cassie upstairs, but he didn’t want to. Not only did he not want to be alone, but he enjoyed her company. She made him laugh; she reassured him; she reminded him that he was alive. And if he was honest with himself, he would be willing to admit that he also wanted her, which was completely different from not wanting to be alone. The ache inside of him was very specifically for the woman sitting at the other end of the sofa. He couldn’t call one of his female friends and have her stop by to fill the void…not this time.

  Unfortunately, the only woman he wanted was the one woman he couldn’t have.

  He looked at her. The light from the floor lamp reflected on her gleaming, dark hair. She took another sip of brandy. “You’re staring at me. Do I have a smudge on my cheek?”

  “Sorry.” He forced himself to look away. “Not at all. I was just wondering about you. You’re very different from anyone I’ve ever met.”

  She wrinkled her nose. “I know what that means. I’ve always been the country mouse. I guess I always will be.”

  There was nothing mouselike about her, but he couldn’t admit that. Not with the night closing around them and his wanting growing…along with other parts of him. If he inhaled deeply, he could almost catch the sweet scent of her body. He wanted to know what she would feel like in his arms. He wanted to explore her generous curves, touch her soft face, kiss her and taste her and…

  He had to clear his throat before he could speak. “I meant ‘different’ in a good way,” he told her. “While you’ve chosen a perfectly respectable path, it isn’t one designed to provide you with material benefits.”

  She chuckled. “That’s a polite way of saying I’ll never be rich working in a preschool.” She shrugged. “I know that, but making lots of money isn’t important to me. I grew up in a typically middle-class town. We didn’t have tons of money, but there was always enough. When my parents died, they left me a trust fund. While it isn’t millions, if I had to, I could live off it for several years. As it is, I’m just letting the proceeds reinvest.”

  She took a sip of her drink. “I always knew that I wanted to work with kids. I love their energy and enthusiasm. They’re so honest with their feelings. Sometimes I wish I could be more like my sister. Chloe wanted a career and made that happen.”

  “You have a career,” he reminded her.

  “It’s not exactly the same.” She stared into her glass. “Chloe always wanted to get away from Bradley and I always wanted to stay. When she met Arizona she realized that she had everything she needed right here, which is nice. I enjoy having her close. But it is ironic. I mean I’m the one who cares about genealogy and the history of the family and the town, but she’s the real Bradley. I’m just adopted.”

  She said the words easily, as if they were simply information. But Ryan sensed something underneath, something hidden. The truth, he suspected, hurt her. She wanted to belong as much as her sister did. But by a quirk of birth, she never would.

  “John and I grew up in a series of small apartments,” he said. “It must have been nice to have a house that had been in the family for generations.”

  She flashed him a quick smile. “It was. Our mom would tell stories about the founding of the town, along with tales of the different Bradley women.” Her smile faded. “It’s been nearly ten years and I still miss my mother. I suppose that’s one of the reasons I understand Sasha so well. I know what she’s going through.”

  He nodded. “I suppose there’s good and bad to being older when one loses a parent. You remember the good times, but you also remember the loss. Sasha isn’t going to have any memories of John and Helen.”

  “There’s no good time to lose one parent, let alone both,” Cassie said
, and Ryan remembered too late that Cassie had lost family before. Her birth mother had given her up for adoption.

  “I’m sorry,” he said quickly.

  “Don’t be. I don’t mind talking about this.” She looked at him. “Sometimes I think the worst part of our parents’ death was the fact that Chloe and I were separated for nearly three years. Aunt Charity was left as guardian, but she was traveling and the lawyer couldn’t find her. So Chloe and I were put into different foster homes. I stayed in Bradley, but she was sent to another town. I think meeting Joel is what saved me.”

  “Joel?” What did he have to do with anything?

  She nodded. “He and I went to the same high school. We met our sophomore years. At first we were just friends, but then we started dating.” She held up her hand. “Please spare me the psychobabble on what that means. Chloe has been over it a dozen times.”

  She piqued his curiosity. “What’s Chloe’s theory?”

  “Chloe thinks I’m settling. That I suffered a traumatic loss at a formative age and Joel got me through it. Therefore I have misplaced loyalty toward him. She thinks that marrying Joel would be a mistake.”

  Chloe was a very sensible woman, Ryan thought, not daring to question his reasons for suddenly liking Cassie’s sister. “What do you think?”

  He’d expected a quick response, either telling him that none of this was his business, or saying that Joel was the love of her life. Instead she leaned back into the corner of the sofa and stared at him.

  “I don’t know anymore.”

  Her words hung in the silence. Inside he felt a quick jolt of pleasure, which he instantly told himself he had no business feeling.

  “Sometimes it feels so incredibly right,” she said. “We’ve known each other for years. There aren’t any surprises, but that’s not always a bad thing. We get along, we respect each other. It’s comfortable.” She drew in a breath. “But sometimes I want the fantasy.”