“Relax,” he murmured. “We’ve got all night. I want to make this good for you.”
His words made her uncomfortable. He was talking about that whole pleasure thing. She’d read about it, of course. For most guys it was a sure thing, but for women it could be complicated. Worry distracted her from the intense enjoyment. How was she supposed to know if it was happening to her? What would it feel like if it did? How long would it take? She didn’t even know enough to fake it.
Cassie pressed her lips together. For now, what he was doing to her was amazing. She felt as if she were being carried toward the sun. Heat flooded her body, as her muscles tensed. She dug her heels into the bed and raised her hips toward him, urging him to continue.
She would let him do this for a few more minutes, she decided. Until he was probably bored, then she would plead exhaustion or nerves or something and get him to stop so they could get on with it. Yes, that was it. She would tell him to stop. Just not yet.
He continued to touch her. Occasionally he slipped his finger inside of her. Her breathing became rapid and she tossed her head back and forth. It was perfect, just like this. The rubbing, the closeness, the tension that spiraled higher and higher.
“You’re getting ready,” he told her. “Go for it.”
She was about to tell him she didn’t know what the “it” was, but she couldn’t speak. A fine thread seemed to be unraveling inside of her. Heat radiated from that place in the very center of being. Heat and an odd pressure.
“Please,” she breathed, hoping he would understand that she needed him not to stop.
Apparently he did because he moved faster and lighter, now directly over that one tiny point of sensation. She could feel herself gathering, reaching, straining. She clutched at the bedspread and splayed her knees wider.
“Cassie, look at me.”
She opened her eyes and found herself drowning in his gaze. She clung to the edge of sanity. She was almost there…even though she wasn’t sure of her destination.
He stopped moving. Her breath caught in her throat. One heartbeat, two. Then he resumed, circling and circling, faster and faster until her body peaked.
She remembered crying out his name as the ripples of release rode through her. She remembered his lips on hers and the feel of his tongue in her mouth and how he’d kissed her at the exact moment when she’d wanted to be kissed. She remembered how he’d held her afterward, hugging her close and murmuring about how beautiful she was.
Finally, when her heartbeat was nearly normal, she looked up at him. “Wow.”
“Yeah? I’m glad.” His pleased smile faded. “I want you.”
In his arms, having just experienced the ultimate pleasure for the very first time, she found herself feeling a little bold. “I want you to have me,” she said perkily.
He kissed her with a passion that made her toes curl. While he fumbled with his belt and slacks, she worked on his shirt. It was tough to undress a man, all the while still kissing him, but she liked it. It made her feel sexy and worldly.
When he was finally naked, he rolled away, opened his nightstand drawer, dug out something and closed the drawer. Then he turned back and propped himself up on one elbow.
She let her gaze drift down his broad shoulders and bare chest. While they were incredibly lovely and later she would want to look her fill, right now she was far more interested in seeing a naked, aroused man. Except for some brief, shadowy glimpses in the movies, she’d never actually seen it.
And it made her gasp. “It’s so big,” she blurted out.
Ryan grinned. “Why, thank you, my dear. I’m glad you approve.”
Approve wasn’t the word she would have chosen, Cassie thought. Suddenly fear threatened. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe she should tell Ryan she’d changed her mind. Maybe…
She glanced up at his face, at the wanting in his eyes, at the tender-hungry expression that made her love him more. Of course she wanted this. She wanted to finally know, and she wanted to learn it all with Ryan. She trusted him and she loved him.
He slipped on the protection, then kissed her. As his tongue plunged in deeper, his hands stroked her breasts. She hadn’t thought she could want him again, but she did. Her body tensed. Between her legs, she felt the heat and swelling. Could she experience that wonderful release again? At least this time she knew what to expect.
He slipped one hand down and rubbed against her until she was breathing hard. She rocked her hips in rhythm with his movements and felt herself reaching for that perfect pinnacle. Then something hard probed at her. He pressed in slowly.
Cassie told herself not to stiffen. She took deep breaths and tried to go with what was happening. He filled her, inch by inch, stretching her. It wasn’t exactly painful, but there was a little discomfort. She concentrated on the unfamiliar weight of him on top of her and how safe that made her feel. She inhaled his scent and promised herself she would remember this forever.
Ryan raised his head slightly. “You feel incredible.”
His face was all harsh lines and need. His eyes opened briefly, then sank closed as he slid in deeper. He paused, flexed his hips, then looked at her again. “There’s something wrong,” he told her.
She’d been afraid of that. There was physical proof of her virginal state. He couldn’t stop now. She was close to having all she’d ever wanted. “Everything is fine,” she said and placed her hand on his hip. “Be inside of me. All the way.” When he still hesitated, she pulled him close. “I want this,” she whispered, then kissed him.
She felt his questions and his concern, even as she nibbled on his lower lip and plunged her tongue inside of his mouth.
“How the hell am I supposed to resist you?” he asked with a groan.
“You’re not.” She looked at him. “Unless you want to.”
“The only thing I want is to make love with you.”
She smiled. “We seemed to have undressed for the occasion and assumed the position.”
“That we have.”
He thrust inside with a force that made her gasp. The sharp pain faded as quickly as it had appeared. Ryan froze.
“Don’t stop,” she said. Then she raised her hips, offering herself to him.
For a second, he didn’t move. Cassie was terrified he was going to stop. She wouldn’t be able to stand that. She wanted to know. She wanted to make love with him. She wanted him to experience the same release she had.
Acting on instinct, she clenched her muscles tightly around him, then relaxed. After she repeated the action twice more, he groaned low in his throat and began moving. He withdrew only to fill her again. Her body stretched and welcomed him, the last of the discomfort faded.
“I want you,” he growled. “I want to be in you, even though I shouldn’t.”
She touched his face, his arms, then boldly reached down and cupped his rear. “It feels too right to be wrong. Make love to me, Ryan. Show me what all the fuss is about.”
“A challenge?” A faint smile tugged at his lips.
“Absolutely.”
Then the smile faded and he was kissing her—the same deep, soul-touching kiss that first changed her life. He slipped his hands under her back and hauled her closer, all the while moving in and out of her. She felt herself reaching for release again, in that strange way that had happened before, except this time it was different. This time….
He tensed in her arms. “Cassie!”
The way he said her name made her shiver with incredible delight. Her body began to convulse around his. She felt the pleasure, the rightness, then he was shuddering and kissing her and the moment was as perfect as she’d known it was meant to be.
* * *
RYAN HELD CASSIE close and prayed for inspiration. Nothing in his life had prepared him for this moment. What the hell had
he done? It wasn’t only that he’d destroyed her life by causing her to break up with her boyfriend of nine years and then put her in a position where she’d had to hear about his new fiancée, but he’d just stolen her virginity. The fact that their lovemaking was the best he’d ever experienced in his life was no excuse.
“Someone should shoot me,” he said, releasing her and rolling onto his back. “That’s about what I deserve.”
“Is this about the lovemaking not being very good or something else?” she asked.
Her voice was low and soft, laced with concern. Ryan looked at her. Cassie was as beautiful naked as he’d imagined. Now, with her hair mussed and her mouth swollen from his kisses, he couldn’t imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else. Despite the fact that he’d just finished, his body stirred at the thought of being with her again. Which meant he was lower than slime. He was a single-celled creature that aspired to be slime.
He touched her face. “The lovemaking was wonderful. I swear.” He tightened his jaw.
“But I should have told you that I was a virgin.”
He’d known, of course. He’d felt the barrier, then broken through it, but still, hearing the word spoken aloud made him wince. “Yeah, you should have told me.”
She flashed him a quick smile. “There wasn’t much time for meaningful conversation. Besides, I didn’t want you to stop.”
He couldn’t deal with this. Nothing made sense. “You were together with Joel for nine years. In all that time you never….”
“Obviously not. Actually, we never did anything. Not even heavy petting. I told you, there was no passion. That’s one of the reasons I ended the relationship.”
She rolled on her side and faced him. “Don’t worry, Ryan. I’m not some innocent teenager.”
“No, you’re an innocent twenty-four-year-old nanny. What the hell was I thinking?”
“I’m almost twenty-five.”
As if that made any difference, he thought grimly.
She touched his cheek. “Don’t worry. I understand exactly what’s happened here. We made love. I don’t have much experience, but I can tell you it was amazing for me. It probably wasn’t really smart, but it’s done. I’m not going to take advantage of the situation. I’m not going to demand a relationship with you. I still work for you and I think with a little bit of effort on both our parts, we can get back to just being friendly coworkers.” Her smile returned. “Just not this friendly.”
He stared at her. “That’s it?”
“Sure.”
She was saying everything he might have said, if he’d been thinking. Why did it sound so wrong coming from her?
“Cassie,” he started.
She leaned over and kissed his mouth. “No, I won’t talk about this anymore.” Then she stood up and gathered her clothes together. After slipping into his robe, she turned to him. “I’ll return this in the morning. Good night.”
With that, she was gone.
Ryan stared after her. Cassie had said everything just right. He should believe her. The only problem was he suddenly didn’t want to.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
AS CASSIE GAVE Sasha her breakfast, she listened for the sound of footsteps on the stairs. No doubt Ryan would want to have yet another heart-to-heart talk when he came down this morning, so she had to be prepared.
She’d spent most of the night going over what she would say to him. He would be worried that she was all right, and probably worried that she would expect a real relationship. She would have to reassure him on both accounts. The first would be easy, because she was all right. In fact, she felt terrific. Ryan had made her first time wonderful. She knew she would remember everything about their being together for the rest of her life. Thinking about it now sent a shiver through her tummy. She wanted to be with him again, be held close and feel him inside her. She had a feeling that there was a lot of potential there.
Convincing him of the second issue would be a lot more difficult. Not only did she really want a relationship with him, but she was in love with him. She didn’t know how much she was going to be able to fake about all that. At least she had a little practice at not showing her feelings, even though she wasn’t sure it was going to be enough.
She wanted to be with Ryan, but only because he wanted it, too. She would rather be alone than have him with her out of guilt or mercy. So she was going to have to convince him that she felt only a passing interest and that she could easily walk away without a backward glance. She sighed. It sounded simple in theory—but was she going to be able to pull it off?
She stiffened as she heard his footsteps, then smiled at Sasha. “Can you eat that by yourself? I have to go tell Uncle Ryan something, then I’ll be right back.”
Sasha nodded and continued to eat her breakfast. She mumbled something that sounded like the two-year-old version of “big girl.” Cassie kissed the top of her head.
“Yes, you are a big girl, and very special. I’ll just be a minute.”
She headed out the door and intercepted Ryan in the hall. From here she could keep an eye on the toddler, but not be overheard.
“Good morning,” he said when he saw her.
She took in the stern set of his face, the signs of sleeplessness, the lack of a smile and knew that she’d been right. They were going to have a serious talk. She drew in a deep breath. “While I don’t mind having these talks with you, Ryan, it would be nice if all of them didn’t have to happen before I’ve had my second cup of coffee.”
He shoved his hands into his slacks pockets. “Sorry about that, but this one can’t wait.”
“Oh, I know.” She could see him gathering himself for whatever speech he’d prepared. She didn’t think she could bear to listen to his carefully worded dismissal, so she decided on a preemptive strike. “I know what you’re going to say.”
He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Do you?”
“I can’t be sure, but I have a fair idea. You’re concerned that I’m upset about last night and that I blame you. You’re worried that I’m going to quit or at least sulk. You’re also a little worried about my assumptions that we now have an emotional relationship. You want to know my expectations. Does that about sum it up?”
She’d said everything without her voice trembling or a single slipup. There was something to be said for practice.
He stared at her for a long time, then nodded slowly. “That about sums it up.”
“Good. Then let me address your concerns. First, I’m an adult. Last night I was a consenting adult. I wanted to make love with you. I’m not sorry we did it. Yes, I was a virgin and maybe I should have told you, but I didn’t. I still don’t have any regrets. Except for your reaction, there’s nothing I would have changed about what we did.”
He shifted. “It’s not that I didn’t enjoy it, it’s just…”
“You feel guilty,” she told him. “I understand that. If I were in your position, I would probably feel the same way. But it’s not necessary. I wanted to be there. You gave me many opportunities to back out or to ask you to stop. I didn’t. I take responsibility for that. I’m glad we made love.”
She paused to catch her breath. “I think that covers your first few concerns.”
“You’re being very logical.”
“It’s a gift.” She smiled. “Now, for the rest of your worries. I’m not expecting a proposal of marriage. I’m not even expecting a relationship. But I will admit things have changed.”
Ryan’s expression had cleared some, but now his eyebrows drew together again. “I don’t dispute that, but I would like you to clarify what you mean.”
“There have been a lot of changes in my life in the past couple of months. I’ve come to work for you, I’ve broken up with Joel, I’ve done the wild thing.” She cast a quick glance over her shoulder to check
on Sasha. The little girl was happily eating her cereal.
“I’ve made some decisions about what I want,” she continued. “The only decision that affects you directly is that I can only work for you another month.”
She felt her throat closing. This was harder to tell him than she’d first thought. She wanted to promise to stay as long as he would have her around, but she couldn’t. She owed it to herself to be stronger than that. She deserved to love someone who loved her back. That person wasn’t Ryan. She could allow herself to stay for a short period of time and be with him, but then she would have to move on. She needed to get the broken-heart part over with so she could begin healing, then get going with her life.
“You’re leaving me?” He sounded stunned.
“I have to. A month gives you plenty of time to make other arrangements. If you’re going to stay in Bradley, I’ll help you find reliable day care. If you’re going back to San Jose, then you need to start contacting places there.”
She drew in a deep breath. Now for the really scary part. “I have no expectations for the time we have left. My preference is that we continue to be friends. I enjoy your company and I think you feel the same way about me.”
“Of course I do. You know that.”
“Good. As to our physical relationship—” She had to clear her throat before continuing. “I wouldn’t object to us being lovers for the next month. We would have to be discreet. I wouldn’t want to confuse Sasha or start any rumors in town.” She didn’t know what else to say. “It’s up to you.”
He looked a little stunned. “You’ve thought of everything.”
“I tried to.”
She forced herself to maintain her calm, but it was difficult. She wanted to throw herself at him and beg him to love her back. She wanted him to declare undying devotion, or at least a general fondness. She wanted him to beg her to stay forever, telling her that he couldn’t possibly live without her.
“What do you get out of all this?” he asked.
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