Sold Out
Page 3
“And don’t worry,” I added lightly. “We don’t do an altar call or anything.”
Well, Marissa kind of laughed at that, then slowly sat back down. “Okay then, I can only take so much, and just so you know, I get enough preaching from my grandparents. I mean, they’re total religious fanatics who have no problem knocking me across the side of the head with their Bibles whenever they see the need. I’m sure they think I’m going straight to hell.”
Just then I noticed Laura looking our way from her “safe” table with her “safe” ftiends, and I felt certain that she would be somewhat shocked to hear our conversation. And that bothered me. Sometimes I feel like I’m this giant rubber band stretched between these two totally different worlds. Not that I feel guilty for hanging with the kids with problems. Fact is, we all have problems. But sometimes I feel uncomfortable being caught in the middle and I wonder why we can’t all just get along—despite our differences.
DIVERSITY
You made each one
so different
so unique
our fingerprints are one of a kind
You wove our genes
so creatively
imaginatively
matchlessly
You are the Great Creator
teach me to appreciate
Your variety
Your innovation
Your diversity
And to live for Your purposes
Four
Saturday, April 19
We had a great practice session today. Well, until the end, that is. Then Laura dropped her little bombshell.
“I met with my pastor last week,” she told us (and I could tell by her tone that we were in for one of her minisermons). “And he thinks that our band should only do music that’s glorifying to God.”
I nodded. “Yeah, that’s what I think too.” “Me too,” agreed Allie.
Laura shook her head. “That’s not exactly true.”
“What do you mean?” I slumped down onto the couch, slowly closing my eyes and promising myself that I would listen to her completely—without judging or defending or getting mad. I opened my eyes in time to see Allie flop down on the couch beside me. She looked totally exasperated. But then she’s been a little edgy ever since she decided to give up smoking last week—another thing that Laura could not abide. It had actually been getting pretty comical the way Allie would sneak a smoke when Laura wasn’t looking, then frantically use breath spray and cologne to try to cover it up. Usually unsuccessfully.
“Okay, Laura, what gives?” asked Allie in an irritated voice.
“Well, it’s hard to explain, especially to people who don’t want to listen in the first place.”
“Hey, that’s not fair.” I sat up straighter. “I want to hear what you have to say.”
Laura still didn’t look completely convinced. “Well, Pastor Rawlins says that everything we do should glorify God.”
“Uh-huh.” I nodded. “I agree with that.”
“Yeah, me too.” Allie leaned back and sighed as if this was a complete waste of time.
“But not all our songs are glorifying to God.”
“What do you mean?” I tried to remain calm.
“What about the tree song?” she asked. “Or the Cinderella song?”
“What about them?” I tossed back.
Laura folded her arms across her chest. “They don’t have one single word about God in them.”
“Huh?” I blinked at her.
“God isn’t in them—those songs don’t glorify Him at all.”
I stood up. “God is too in them! God is all over them, inside and out, between the lines and—well—everywhere.”
“Yeah!” said Allie.
“How do you know for sure?” asked Laura.
Allie shrugged and glanced my direction. “Hey, I might not know how to explain it, but I just know it.”
“Well, Pastor Rawlins doesn’t think so.”
“What does he know about our songs?”
“He’s read all of the lyrics.”
I scratched my head. Something about this felt wrong, although I couldn’t put my finger on why. “Your pastor’s read all my lyrics? Why’d you give him my lyrics?”
Laura looked down at her feet and twisted one of her beaded braids between her fingers (a new hairstyle that looks really cool on her). As I waited for her answer, I studied her for a long moment, and it occurred to me that she’s been slowly changing her appearance—and not just for performances either. I guess I hadn’t really been paying attention, but with her hair like that and wearing those low-riding jeans with frayed hems, well, she looked a lot more like us than she ever used to before. But she looks more like herself too. It’s like she was trapped in this preppy look before, and I don’t think it was really her.
“Yeah, why’d you give him our lyrics?” Allie stood now too. She had this defensive look on her face, and it was interesting comparing these two very different girls. Allie is so petite, blue-eyed, and blond, and sort of fragile-looking, but she was wearing her tough chick expression with her hands planted on her hips. On the other hand, Laura is taller, dark-skinned, and sturdy-looking, but the look on her face seemed to be one of intimidation.
Laura frowned. “Because he told me to.”
“He told you to?” Now for some reason this just struck me as odd. Okay, I’m trying to be tolerant, to respect that different people believe differently, but this just seemed so bizarre—sort of like that George Orwell story about Big Brother. “Laura, I don’t get it, why did your pastor want to see the lyrics?”
“Because he’s worried about me.”
Well, I felt seriously aggravated just then, but I managed to keep it under control. “Why is he worried?”
“He thinks that I’m changing, and he’s worried that your doctrine might be a little—well, you know, a little off base.”
“My doctrine?” I glanced at Allie for some support. “I didn’t even know I had any doctrine.”
Allie looked seriously puzzled now. “What’s doctrine anyway?”
“It’s like your religion and what you believe, I think.” I looked back at Laura. “Right?”
“Yeah, something like that. Pastor Rawlins thinks yours probably isn’t very biblical.”
“Thanks a lot.”
“It’s probably not all your fault,” continued Laura. “Your church’s doctrine is probably off base too.”
“Hey, wait a minute,” said Allie. “What makes your pastor the authority on what everyone is supposed to believe anyway?”
“He’s the authority for me.”
I thought about that for a moment. I really didn’t want to go shooting off any fireworks again. “Well, that may be true, Laura, but God happens to be the authority for me, and then, of course, there’s Pastor Tony and my parents.”
“That’s another thing.” Laura pointed her finger at me, that old scowl carved into her forehead again. “Pastor Rawlins wants to know why your lyrics always refer to God and not Jesus.”
I shrugged. “I guess it’s because I think of them as being pretty much the same. You know, the three in one—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It’s easier for me to just call them God in my songs. Are you saying that’s not okay with Pastor Rawlins?”
“He thinks you minimize Christ.”
I blinked. “Minimize Christ?”
“I think Pastor Rawlins should mind his own business.” This came from Allie, and I could tell she was about to lose it.
I tossed her a warning glance. “Maybe Pastor Rawlins should talk to me personally before he judges me.”
Laura’s eyes flashed. “He’s not judging.”
“You’re telling me that he knows what I believe, but I’ve never had a single conversation with him. What’s that?”
“It’s discernment.”
“So, are you saying that he discerns something is wrong with what I believe?”
She nodded, her eyes avoiding mine now.
“Who is?” asked Allie in an aggravated voice.
“I know I have lots of growing to do, and I’m learning stuff all the time. But I read my Bible every day, and I go to church, and I believe that God is teaching me stuff all the time. For sure, He uses people like Pastor Tony and Steph and Caitlin and Josh and my parents—sheesh, He even uses you guys. But the bottom line is God is the main One that I’m listening to—responding to and obeying. And if your pastor doesn’t believe that, then he should come directly to me with his questions.”
“Yeah, he sounds like a control freak,” added Allie. “The spiritual KGB.”
“That might be a bit strong,” I said quickly, worried that Laura’s feelings could get hurt now. I know mine were already aching.
Laura pressed her lips together and scowled.
So I continued in what I hoped was a calmer tone. “I’m sure your pastor thinks he’s watching out for your best interests, Laura. And he’s entitled to his opinions. But I don’t think he understands me or my music.”
“Well,” Laura’s voice was low and husky, and her eyes were looking down again. “Pastor Rawlins told me that I can’t remain in the band unless something changes.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Like you might need to start attending my church.”
I just blinked at her. “You’re kidding? Your pastor says I have to join your church?”
She nodded without looking at me.
“But I already have a church that I really love.”
“Yeah,” Allie chimed in. “Your pastor doesn’t have the right to tell us what church to go to. I think there’s even something in the constitution about—”
I jabbed Allie with my elbow. “Laura, do you agree with your pastor about this?”
She shrugged. “I’m not sure. But I know that I need to obey my pastor’s authority.”
“Well, it’s your life, Laura.” I looked directly at her. “But I love you and I think you’re really tal ented, and I could be wrong, but I honestly believe God wants you to stay with Redemption, but only you can make that decision.”
“But Pastor Rawlins says—”
“What is God saying to you, Laura?” My voice grew louder now. “Pastor Rawlins might be a really great guy, he might even be a great Christian—I don’t know. But what I do know—and maybe this IS my doctrine—is that God is the ultimate One who can tell us what to do. Sure, he speaks through our pastors and parents and stuff, but we need to read God’s Word and learn to hear God for ourselves too. Pastor Tony says we’ll get messed up if we only listen to man’s advice. What is God telling you, Laura?”
She didn’t answer, but I could see her chin trembling and I was afraid I’d made her cry again.
“I’m not trying to be mean,” I told her, feeling close to tears myself. “But I just don’t understand why your pastor is coming down so hard on me. He doesn’t even know me.”
“I think Chloe’s right,” said Allie as she placed her hand on Laura’s shoulder. “Pastor Rawlins can’t tell us what to think or where we can or cannot go to church.”
“But he’s my pastor,” Laura blurted out. “He wants me to be obedient to—to—”
“To God,” I interjected. “God is God, and He wants us to obey Him. Pastors aren’t infallible, Laura. Pastor Tony tells us that all the time. He even challenges us to question him on things we don’t agree with—”
“That’s right,” said Allie. “And he admits to the whole congregation when he makes a mistake.”
“I understand how God uses pastors in our lives,” I said. “Really, Laura, I go to Pastor Tony a lot for advice. And he’s really good at it, but even he says that ultimately it’s God who should be leading me. Don’t you think that’s true?”
Laura pressed her hands against her head as if it physically hurt her to consider these things. “It’s so confusing.”
Then I followed Allie’s lead and put my hand on her other shoulder. “Laura, I think you need to talk to your parents about this too. And then go spend some time alone with God. Ask Him to direct you about our music and whether or not you should quit. That’s all I can tell you right now. Well, that and I really love you.”
Then Allie reached over and hugged her. And I hugged her too. We all just stood there for a long moment, huddled together in a group hug. I felt bad to feel Laura still sobbing, but maybe it’s just something she needs to work through. All the while we stood there, I silently prayed. I asked God to speak to Laura, to lead her through this. And then without saying anything else, she turned away and left.
GOD ONLY KNOWS
who are we to think
we know better than God?
God blew us from dust
without Him we’re nothing
useless, lifeless, emptiness
how presumptuous to imagine
we know what’s best
for ourselves
for others
only God knows
He will lead
He will direct
but we need to ask
and listen
and obey
cm
Wednesday, April 23
Laura’s been very quiet all week. Not rude or snotty. Just quiet. Like she’s thinking about all this. At least I hope that’s what it is. I hope she’s not feeling bad because she’s decided to quit the band or anything stupid like that. That would be a disaster. For one thing, the All God’s Children concert is just ten days away. And if Laura quits the band, we’ll probably have to cancel. But besides that, it just seems so right that the three of us are together. And if I do say so myself, Redemption really sounds great. I believe only God could do something this amazing.
Of course, I could be wrong about that. I know that just because something feels right doesn’t always make it right. But we three have been through so much this past year, and everyone seems to think we have a really cool sound. It feels like things are starting to take off for us.
And I’ve been giving serious consideration to what Laura’s pastor said about “not glorifying God with our music.” I don’t mean to be disrespectful to anyone, but I really don’t agree. Pastor Rawlins just doesn’t get it.
Still, I’m trying to put this in God’s hands, because I must admit it’s been making me a little nervous. I’ve been repeating a Bible verse to myself these past few days: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” The verse is found in Philippians 4:6-7, and I know it by heart.
Last night I got an e-mail from Caitlin. I’d written to her all about this latest conflict with Laura. It was so reassuring that Caitlin felt pretty much the same as I did. Like me, she believes we need to hear and respond to God first, but she also warned me that we need good solid counsel in our lives too. That’s like Caitlin, always watching out for me. And I totally agree with her about the solid counsel. I’m just not so sure that Pastor Rawlins can offer that kind of counsel for me. Besides, he’s not even my pastor.
I briefly talked to Pastor Tony about this at church tonight, and he told me that he believes in a balance. “You’re right, Chloe, you do need to go to God first, but you also need to read God’s Word and get good advice from the leadership in your life—like your parents, pastors, teachers.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I believe that too.”
“But I’ll admit it worries me when people try to give me too much authority over their lives.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I’ve seen this happen in a couple of churches. I call it hypersubmission, but you get a very authoritative pastor and it gets to the point where the church members expect the past
or to tell them what to do about everything—I mean like where to live, who to marry, what to eat for dinner. That’s not healthy.”
I had to laugh. “What to eat?”
He smiled. “I know it sounds crazy. But that’s sort of how cults get started. People putting a man in the place of God.” He shook his head. “I just don’t ever want to go there.” “Me neither.”
And I really don’t. I realize I’m the kind of girl who can get overly enthused about things—mainly God-things. But I think I’d better listen to Pastor Tony and keep my life in balance. Or who knows, I might wind up in some weird cult where the pastor’s telling me how to think and what to eat for dinner. Whoa, I better watch out!
WATCH OUT!
watch out, girl
don’t think you’re so smart
or you’ll fall on your face
go flying apart
watch out, girl
ya don’t know it all
you think you’re so big
when you’re really so small
go straight to the One
who knows what you need
listen to His voice
on His wisdom—feed
watch out, girl
keep your eyes on God
cm
Five
Friday, April 25
Okay, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Laura has avoided both Allie and me all week, not to mention missing practice. So I lurked around the corner, so she wouldn’t see me, then jumped out and cornered her at her locker right before lunch. “Have you made a decision?” I asked bluntly.
She kind of blinked at me. “I don’t know.”
I’m sure I groaned or something. “What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I just don’t know what to do.”
“You’ve missed three days of practice, and we have a concert in one week! Should we cancel it?”
She sighed and looked down at the algebra book in her hand. “I don’t know what to tell you, Chloe.”
I swallowed and groped for words. I didn’t really want to upset her, didn’t want this craziness to go any further than it had. “Okay, you seem pretty confused to me, Laura,” I began. She nodded. “Do you think God is confusing you?” She slowly shook her head. “Am I confusing you?”