by Amber Garza
I awoke in a cold sweat, my pulse pounding beneath my dampened flesh. Sitting upright, I took large gulps of air as if I’d been drowning, held under water for a lengthy period of time. As if I couldn’t get enough. My sheets slipped from my upper body, gathered around my waist. The curtains were open, and I stared out at the night sky. My gaze found the moon. Tonight it was full, and I shivered.
Full moons made me nervous.
I imagined men all over the city transforming into werewolves. Docile men who wore suits and carried briefcases shed their clothes, sprouted hair and fanged teeth. Men who were unassuming, who were picked on and bullied became savage beasts. Wolves who preyed on the unsuspecting. Who roamed the city hiding in the shadows and waiting for the perfect moment to strike. They would be taken seriously now. Not the same way as when they were in human form.
When I was a kid, I swore that I saw them crouched behind buildings, their silver eyes shining in the moonlight as they bared their sharp teeth.
Reaching forward, I swiftly closed the curtains, covering the window. Darkness enveloped me, but I felt safer. Sliding down in my bed, it creaked beneath me. Lying my head back on the pillow, I sighed, knowing I’d never fall back to sleep tonight. It would be too hard. I’d already struggled at the beginning of the night, thoughts of Lennie and her ex swirling through my brain. But now that Sarah was in the mix, there was no way I could silence my racing thoughts.
Lennie had asked me about Sarah recently. It was one of the times she showed up at the coffee shop to thank me for leaving a book. We were discussing the story when she looked at me with those large, unblinking eyes and said, “Colin, have you ever been in love?”
I was taken aback by the question, and it took me several minutes to answer. Mostly because I knew I couldn’t be completely honest. I think I fell in love with Lennie the first time I saw her. But I couldn’t say that. Not just because it would scare her away. Mostly because it was corny and cliché. I may not have been a big muscle-bound guy, but I was intelligent, and I liked to think that was one of the main reasons Lennie was drawn to me. I wouldn’t screw that up by saying something that made me seem immature and naïve. So instead I blurted out, “Yes. Once. Her name was Sarah.”
“And how did you meet?” Lennie’s elbow was propped up on the table. She leaned her chin into her hand, raised one eyebrow.
Since I was so happy that Lennie was here with me and interested in what I had to say, I didn’t stop to think about the ramifications of continuing on with this conversation. “In college.”
“What happened?”
In a flash, everything hit me. The details. The memories.
The truth.
And I froze. I never should’ve brought Sarah up. I wasn’t supposed to. Lennie had successfully broken down my defenses, but this was one area I couldn’t afford to be vulnerable. This was something I had to take to my grave.
Feeling like an idiot, I shook my head. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
She nodded with understanding. “That’s okay. Some break-ups are really hard. I get that.”
Looking back, I should have known Rob was back in the picture. Every time she mentioned him it was clear she was devastated over the break-up. It was also obvious that she wasn’t over him. Not only that, but she had been trying to tell me something over dinner. Now I was pretty sure I knew that that something was. Subconsciously, I think I knew at the time. It was why it scared me. Why I tried to avoid it.
Now that I’d seen him, there was no way to keep on living in denial.
I was starting to think I was literally invisible. It was the superpower I’d wished for the most as a kid. But I never actually thought it would happen.
Two days after seeing Rob in the grocery store, Lennie came to the coffee shop. I was seated at my usual table, laptop open, a cup of steaming coffee sitting near my left elbow. But she didn’t acknowledge me. She simply swept past heading to the counter and ordering her usual vanilla latte. I sat back in my seat watching her through my unruly hair. It had been months since I’d cut it, and it now hung all the way to my ears. When I bent forward, it fell over my face like a curtain. My parents had been giving me hell about it for weeks. Maybe that was why I hadn’t fixed it, but today I felt stupid for the tiny act of rebellion.
I mean, no wonder Lennie went back to her ex. I looked like a homeless person. Pretty soon Lennie would be saving me her pastries.
She stood against the back wall waiting for her coffee, bouncing her leg the way she did often. I expected her to scan the shop, to search for me. It’s not like she didn’t know I was here. I was always here, and she knew it. But her gaze never left the pick-up counter. It was like her eyes were supernaturally glued to it. When they called out her name, she headed to the counter and snatched up her coffee.
I had a strange sense of déjà vu as she hurried toward the glass doors as if she had every intention of leaving without speaking to me at all.
Anger rose in my belly. It was one thing for her to choose him over me, but it was another to ignore me. Were we back in high school?
Before she could leave, I stood abruptly. Too abruptly. My table teetered, my coffee almost falling over. Reaching out, I grabbed it just in time, but my back hit my chair, sending it to the ground. It clattered loudly. At first I was embarrassed, but when Lennie whirled around I was grateful for the mistake.
Our eyes met. My body stilled. I scarcely breathed, waiting for her to say something. Anything. But she didn’t. She glanced down at the offending chair, then back at my table, as if making sure all was well. Reaching down, I yanked my chair back up, but kept my eyes on hers.
She seemed to stare right through me as if I was a ghost.
As if she had no idea who I was.
It chilled me to the bone.
“Lennie?” I finally croaked, my entire body feeling like a block of ice.
She cocked her head to the side, narrowing her eyes. “Oh, hi Colin,” she said, as if noticing me for the first time.
“Are you all right?” I asked, concern taking root in the pit of my stomach. What was wrong with her?
“Yeah.” Nodding, she walked toward me. With her free hand she reached up and touched her temple. “I have a little headache, but I’m hoping this will help.” She held up the white paper cup.
Warning bells went off in my head.
Her gaze flickered to my laptop. “You working?”
I nodded.
“I hope it’s going well,” she said in a formal way.
Was this the way things were going to be between us now? And was she just going to sweep what we had under the rug? End it without coming clean?
She looked at me, confusion clouding her face. “You okay? You seem upset.”
I almost laughed out loud, but I held it in. Instead I said, “I know Rob’s here.”
She recoiled. “How?”
“I saw him at the grocery store a couple of nights ago.”
Pink appeared on her cheeks. “How did you even know it was him? You’ve never met.”
“I’ve seen his picture…on your Facebook page.”
“Oh.” She bit her lip, her gaze darting around. Not that she had anything to worry about. No one was listening. Everyone was in their own world, chatting on their phones, texting, typing on laptops, waiting for the coffees. “Right. Facebook.” Her tone held a sour note, and I understood completely. It seemed she had the same affinity for social media that I had.
“Are you guys back together or something?”
She pressed her lips together, as if choosing her next words carefully. I liked that about her. How she didn’t blurt out the first thing she thought. Most girls did. That had been one of Sarah’s problems anyway. “Um…I don’t know.” A strand of hair slipped into her face, and she brushed it back. “Him coming here was unexpected. I didn’t invite him. He just showed up. Said he missed me.”
“And did you miss him?” I had to know.
“Yeah, I guess I did,”
she said softly. “You have to understand. We were together a long time. We lived together, we made plans for the future.”
“And then when things got tough, he left you.”
“I know.” She frowned. “I don’t know how to explain this to you, Colin. Rob and I have a connection.”
And we don’t? It’s what I wanted to say, but I didn’t. I didn’t dare. Rule of thumb is to only ask questions that you know the answer to.
“I guess I have a lot of thinking to do,” she continued.
Swallowing hard, I nodded.
She shifted from one foot to the other. “Um…I need to get going.” She pointed over her shoulder using her thumb.
“Appointment?”
“Uh-huh.”
I wanted to offer to go with her, but I wasn’t sure I could take the rejection now. Besides, even if she said yes, I was pretty sure I’d never be able to brave the hospital. Clearing my throat, I offered up the most encouraging “Good luck” I could muster.
“Thanks.” Her gaze lifted to mine briefly. “We’ll talk later.”
“Yeah.” I sat down, returning my attention to the word document up on my laptop. There was no way I could watch her walk away. It would be too difficult.
21
When I was eight years old, Ray left me alone at a gas station. Mom was out of town visiting her aunt who was ill. It was the only time she left my sister and me overnight. Ray took us out to dinner and on the way home had to stop for gas. I had drank way too much soda at the restaurant and couldn’t hold it any longer. So while Ray pumped gas, I told Amelia I was going inside to use the restroom. After getting the key from the cashier, I trekked around the back of the gas station to use the small, dirty bathroom. The light kept flickering, giving the illusion that it would go out at any minute. I remember feeling scared, and I scolded myself for being a baby.
After returning the key, I headed out the glass door. It dinged as I pushed it open. When my gaze landed on the empty spot where Ray had parked at the pump, my stomach dropped. I scoured the gas station, certain they were still here somewhere. But after another minute of looking, it was clear that they had left. I didn’t understand. Hadn’t Amelia told him where I went? Thinking about how mean Amelia had been earlier this evening, I wondered why I had trusted her at all. We’d been fighting all night. She probably thought this was funny. Most likely she was sitting in the backseat laughing to herself at this very moment.
But I knew Amelia. She’d feel guilty and then tell Ray what happened. And even if she didn’t, I was sure that Ray would notice my absence at some point. Amelia and I were both sitting in the backseat together, but Ray would have to look back there, wouldn’t he? Or at the very least, he’d notice I was gone when they got home. And we didn’t live that far away.
So I sat on the curb and waited.
I fought against the fear that crept up in my throat by reciting stories in my head. Too bad I’d been reading Brother’s Grimm Fairytales lately, so all the stories I remembered were scary. However, there was one about a boy who didn’t know how to shudder, and I told myself that one over and over, praying that I could be like him. A boy who wasn’t afraid.
But as the minutes passed and Ray still hadn’t returned, fear spread throughout my body like an infectious disease. It poisoned my blood, sank deep into my bones. I’d given up hope of ever being picked up when a truck pulled into the station. An older gentleman got out. When he spotted me, he made his way over.
“You okay, son?” he asked.
I told myself to keep it together, but it was a losing battle. Tears slid down my cheeks, and my lips trembled.
“You need some help?” He bent down until he was at my level.
Mom had always told me not to talk to strangers, but this man seemed harmless, kind even. It was something in his eyes. Something I instinctively trusted. So I nodded. “I need to get home.”
Without batting an eye, the man offered to take me home. As he hoisted me up into his truck, I felt no fear at all.
If I had known what was about to happen, I would’ve been more scared than ever before. When I think back on that moment, I want to warn that little boy. I want to shake some sense into him. I want to take him by the hand and steer him far away from that truck.
But hindsight is always twenty-twenty. And in this life, we don’t get do-overs.
I wasn’t expecting her. Not after our last conversation. I felt like she made her position pretty clear. In fact, I’d been imagining her traipsing around town with her burly boyfriend. And I kept trying to tell myself I was happy for her. That all I wanted was for Lennie to be happy, loved. But that was a lie. It wasn’t all I wanted.
As selfless as I pretended to be, deep down I was selfish. I was still that scared little boy sitting in front of the gas station. The one that was terrified of being alone. Of being left.
That’s why I was shocked when she showed up at my front door the night after our talk in the coffee shop.
“Can I come in?” She asked, her gaze not quite meeting mine.
Nodding, I moved out of the way to let her pass.
She walked inside, much like the last time, looking frail, unsure, a little timid. “I’m sorry about how I acted yesterday,” she started, still not looking directly at me. Her gaze shot around the room as if it was a fly that was afraid to land. “I…um…I guess I wasn’t really ready to talk to you about everything. I felt confused, and…I don’t know.” She paused, breathing deeply. “I’ve really enjoyed our time together, and I didn’t know if I was ready for it to end. But I also love Rob. We’ve been together a long time. And we’ve been through a lot.”
It was obvious where she was going with this, so I steeled myself.
Her gaze bounced to mine. She looked at me head on for the first time since walking inside. “But you’re right. He wasn’t there for me when I needed him most. You were.” She stepped forward, bridging the gap between us. “I’m so sorry that I wasn’t upfront with you from the beginning. That I didn’t tell you he was here. I understand if you’re upset with me.”
“Where is he now?” I interrupted her.
“Gone. He went home this morning.”
The floor flew out from beneath me. “Does this mean?” It seemed too good to be true. “That you…well…you’re choosing me?”
“If you’ll have me. I mean, I know I’ve been acting strange and--”
Curving my hand around her cheek, I drew her to me and stamped my mouth over hers, silencing her words. I didn’t need to hear anymore. She had chosen me. That was all that mattered. I kissed her hard. Harder than I ever had before. But she didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she responded with the same amount of vigor. Her hands slid up my spine, tangled in the ends of my frayed hair. I brought my other hand up to frame her face and deepened the kiss. Our tongues engaged in a sensual dance, their moves manic and desperate. We kissed until my lips were swollen, until I felt dizzy. Then we disengaged, our foreheads falling together. Our breathing was loud and labored as it mingled together.
“I’m sorry about everything,” she finally said.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” I told her firmly. “I understand why you were conflicted. I even understand why you didn’t tell me.” I picked my head up off her sweaty forehead. “All I care about is that you’re here. I only want to be with you, Lennie. That’s all that matters to me. Don’t you know that by now?”
22
“Colin, I have some good news,” Amelia practically shouted into the phone.
Wincing, I drew it away from my ear. I figured it was something important. She’d called multiple times in the last few days. I finally called her back today because Mom told me too. Apparently Amelia was never too old to tell on me.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I’m pregnant.”
“Again?” I knew it was the wrong thing to say the minute the word left my mouth, but it was too late to shove it back in.
“People are known to ha
ve more than one kid.” Amelia spoke in an exasperated tone. “Mom and Dad did.”
“Right. Well, congratulations,” I said, wishing I’d started with that.
“Thanks. Remember when I thought I had the flu last month? Well, apparently it wasn’t the flu. It was morning sickness.”
Amelia’s flu. How could I forget? It was all Mom talked about for weeks. “Ah, that makes sense.”
“Yeah, but I’m so glad about the way it turned out. Chris and I are really excited. I’m hoping for a girl this time.”
I could see Amelia with a girl. It would suit her. “Okay….um…well…I hope that’s what you get,” I stammered. Was that something you should hope for? I honestly thought you were just supposed to wish for a healthy child. I mean, it’s not like you could control what sex your child would be.
“So, how are you?” The change in her tone made me uneasy.
I had assumed she would hang up after telling me her news, but clearly I wasn’t that lucky. “I’m fine.”
“Book’s coming along well?”
“Yep.”
“How have you been feeling?”
I froze, my limbs going numb. It was a question she hadn’t asked me in a long time. “Why the sudden interest in my health?”
“I’m your sister. I just want to make sure you’re doing okay.”
“Mom put you up to this?”
“No, she didn’t put me up to this. But Mom and Ray are both concerned about you, Colin.”
“They don’t need to be.” I sat forward on the couch, dropping my head into my hands.
“Well, they are. We all are.”
“There’s no reason for it.”
“So you’re taking care of yourself then? Seeing a doctor and everything?”
