by Amber Garza
My skin crawled at the suggestion. “I don’t need to see a doctor. I said I’m fine.”
“Colin, you know you need to take this seriously. Your health is important.”
I snorted at the ridiculousness of this. “Since when do you care about my well-being?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Man, she had the victim act down. She had since we were kids. Mom and Ray may have fallen for it, but I certainly didn’t. “Where was all this concern the night you let Ray leave me at the gas station?”
“What?” She paused. “You mean when we were kids? God, that was ages ago. I had completely forgotten about that.”
Must be nice. That night destroyed me. I’d never forget it. “Of course, because you weren’t the one left.”
“Oh, c’mon. It was just a prank. You made it home fine.”
I made it home, but I was far from fine. “It was a dick move, Amelia.”
She huffed into the phone. “I hate how you do this. You always want to bring up the things in my past, but god forbid anyone mention Sarah.”
“Watch it, Amelia,” I hissed. A door slammed above my head, loud voices following it. Great. The neighbors were at it again.
“See,” she pointed out smugly. “No one can even utter her name, but you bring up our past sins all the time.” She paused, her breathing filling the line. “God, I don’t want to fight with you, Colin. That’s not why I called. I just wanted to let you know that you’re going to be an uncle again. That was it.”
It felt weird to use the title “Uncle.” Wasn’t an Uncle someone who babysat and took the kid out to the park, taught him to play ball? I’d only met her kid a couple of times. The first time Amelia shoved his infant form into my arms I had stared down at his large head and unblinking eyes and thought that he looked like an alien. Within seconds he started screaming bloody murder, so I hurriedly gave him to my sister. The second time I’d seen him was during their Christmas visit. He’d watched me warily from across the room. I think I said like two words to him.
“I’m happy for you, Amelia,” I finally said, figuring that was the response she was hoping for.
“Thanks,” she said. “You, of all people, know how much I’ve always wanted a big family.”
Did I know that? I guess I did remember her babbling on about having a lot of kids. Then again, Amelia was always rambling about something. I wondered if Lennie had dreamt of having children. If she’d fantasized about having a big family. It seemed like girls thought more about that kind of stuff than guys did.
So that’s why I asked Lennie about it later that afternoon. It was an unseasonably warm day. The sky was a cloudless blue, the sun shining down. After days of rain and wind, it was nice. I took Lennie out to the park. We sat on a blanket over the grass, allowing sunshine to wash over us.
“Of course,” she responded. “I think every girl dreams of being a mom. It’s like what we’re supposed to grow up to be.” A wistful look passed over her face. Resting back on her elbows, she stared up at the sky. “I used to fantasize about having a little girl. I could paint her nails and braid her hair.” Her lips curled upward a bit. “It would’ve been nice.”
I placed my hand over hers. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I never should’ve asked you about that.”
I’d been curious, but now it felt insensitive.
Leaning over, she nudged me with her shoulder. “Nah. I like that you ask me what you’re thinking. That you don’t always worry about saying the wrong thing. Most people do. They spend so much time worrying about what to say that they hardly say anything at all to me. It gets kind of lonely. Besides, I don’t want to be treated like a fragile piece of glass. Like I’m going to break at any minute. I may have been like that when I was first diagnosed, but now I’m stronger. A lot stronger than people think.”
“I know you are.”
Smiling, she dropped her head onto my shoulder. Her hair tumbled down my arm. It felt good. Holding my breath, I didn’t move a muscle. It was one of those moments I wanted to capture. If I could make time stand still, I would do it now. With Lennie, times like this were fleeting. Therefore, I wanted to savor every second. I squeezed her fingers and lowered my cheek until it brushed against her head. Her fruity scent spun around me, the warmth of her body penetrating mine. A bird circled in the air as if it was a vulture who mistook us for a dead carcass. Further down on the grass, a kid and his dad flew a kite. Its bright colors flipped around in the breeze, painting the sky. A dog ran ahead of its owner, while another couple sat under a tree a few feet away, cuddling. Even though there were others out here, it was peaceful. Besides, my attention was solely focused on Lennie.
Her words knocked around inside my head. The ones about her being stronger than people thought. I wondered if the same could be said about me. Would my family be surprised if they saw me here with Lennie? If they knew how much I’d been helping her? That I’d been her shoulder to cry on, the person who held her up when she couldn’t stand. I knew they all thought I was weak. That I was spineless, a coward. But I’d endured more than they knew.
Not that I’d ever get credit for it. But maybe that was okay. Perhaps being what Lennie needed was enough. Maybe this was some sort of penance.
Either way, I wouldn’t take it for granted.
“What are you thinking about?” I’d been so lost in my own thoughts I hadn’t even noticed Lennie had sat up and that she was staring directly at me. “You look so serious.”
“I was just thinking about how brave you are.”
Color spilled across her cheeks. “Really?”
“Really.” I nodded.
“I don’t know if it’s really bravery. I mean, this just happened to me, and I have to deal with it. You’d do the same thing in my situation.”
I wanted to tell her then. To tell her that I knew what she was going through. To tell her the truth about me, but I couldn’t. I knew it would feel good to get the words out, to finally talk about it, to get it out in the open and off my chest. But I’d been holding it in for so long, living in blissful denial, and I didn’t know if I was ready for that to end. “No,” I finally said. “Trust me. I wouldn’t deal with it as well as you are.”
“That’s very kind of you to say.”
If only she knew how untrue that was. Kind is the last word anyone would use to describe me.
23
Lennie was getting stronger, healthier. Sometimes I even forgot she was sick. The color returned to her cheeks, her eyes were bright and sparkly, and she’d put on some weight. She didn’t pull away from me as often as she did in the beginning. There were still moments when I lost her. When her face clouded over and her mind seemed to drift a million miles away. As if she had the ability to travel outside of herself. I was never sure where she went, and I never asked. Instead, I waited patiently for her to return.
Unlike when we first started dating, I knew she would. She always came back. That was something I could count on.
It was weird to count on something. Someone.
I hadn’t expected her to stick around. Hell, I had thought for sure I lost her to Rob weeks ago. But here she was lying in my arms as we sat on the couch late at night watching some sappy chick flick. I’d watched more TV in the last few weeks than I had in my entire life. For being such an avid reader, Lennie surprised me with how much she enjoyed movies and television shows. My novel would surely be finished by now if I hadn’t taken so much time off to spend with Lennie. But I knew I’d never regret this time with her.
And not because I worried her about her dying on me any minute. No, that wasn’t a concern any longer. It seemed that Lennie had gotten a second chance at life. We knew it wasn’t forever, but we were taking it a day at a time. Not thinking too much about what tomorrow would bring.
But on days like today, it was easy to think that she had many more tomorrows. Earlier she’d felt so well that we went on a hike, wrote our name in the sand, took pictures of trees and pla
nts, and, best of all, of each other. She looked radiant with the sun behind her, sweat glistening on her forehead, her hair splaying across her face as it was tossed about by the breeze.
Turning away from the television, she peered up at me. Smiling lazily, she lifted her hand and traced the stubble lining my chin. Then her fingers moved up further to touch the ends of my hair.
“Are you growing this out for a reason?” One side of her lip curled upward.
I chuckled, loving when she was like this – bantering and teasing. It reminded me of the old Lennie. “Yeah. The reason is that I’ve been spending all my time with you and haven’t had time to go get it cut.”
Giggling, she sat up. Her face was inches from mine. Leaning forward, she planted a kiss on my mouth. Just a swift one. Then she pulled back. “It’s kinda sexy.”
My lips stretched into a large smile. “Really?”
“No.” She laughed. “We need to cut it.” Sliding off my lap, she beckoned me forward with a roll of her index finger. “C’mon.”
“What are you up to?”
“What’s wrong? You don’t trust me?” She waggled her eyebrows.
I shook my head. “No, I trust you.”
“Then come on.” Reaching forward, she grabbed my hand and yanked me to a standing position. I followed her like a dog on a leash. And the sad part was, that I was okay with that. Honestly, I’d follow Lennie anywhere. She guided me into the bathroom, then opened the cabinet and perused through it. “You got any scissors?”
“You’re going to cut my hair?” I was incredulous.
“What did you think I was bringing you in here for?”
Honestly, I had no idea. I was blindly trailing her. But instead of admitting that, I reached into the cabinet and found the scissors. “Here you go.”
Narrowing her eyes, she inspected them. “A little dull, but I guess they’ll do.” She set them down on the counter and turned to me. Bringing up her arms, she ran her fingers through my hair. Her fingernails raked over my scalp, sending tingles down my back. Her eyes collided with mine. “This will never do,” she said, her breath hot against my lips. “I need your hair wet.”
I inhaled sharply. The intensity in her eyes, mixing with the words she uttered, caused me to feel dizzy. Reaching forward, I clutched the counter to steady myself. A seductive look passed over Lennie’s features. Stepping into my chest, she pressed her lips to mine. Her fingers tangled in the strands of my hair as her tongue slipped between my lips. The kiss was different than before. More charged. And it felt like it was precursor to something more. Like the appetizer before the meal.
Untangling her fingers from my hair, she slid her palms down my neck and chest. When she got to the bottom of my shirt she clutched the edges and yanked it up to my chin. Tearing her lips from mine, she whispered, “Lift your arms.” I did as I was told, and she tugged the shirt right off my body. Then she peppered kisses down my neck and across my chest. Desire burned through my body. With a wink, she moved around me, reached into the shower and turned it on. Water blasted into the tub, steam curling around our faces. Standing in front of me wearing a smile, Lennie’s fingers found the button on my jeans and unhooked it. My pulse raced. When her fingers slipped beneath the elastic of my boxers, I bit my lip.
My pants fell to the floor as her mouth found mine once again. Her hand lowered into my boxers, her fingers sliding further down. A hiss escaped from my lips. Black spots filled my vision, darkness bleeding in and threatening to take over. I tried to fight it, but it swallowed me whole, pulling me under like a strong current. My heart hammered in my ears, and I felt sick. No matter how hard I attempted to stay calm, panic gripped me. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly.
“Colin?” Lennie breathed.
My eyelids flipped open. But it wasn’t Lennie. It was him. The man from the truck. Terrified, a low moan made its way up from my throat and filled the room. I shoved him away and hugged myself, collapsing onto the ground. “No, no, no,” I repeated, just as I had that night when he touched me. When his fingers went to places they shouldn’t.
“Colin, it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” I repeated. “I don’t want this. I don’t want this. Please, stop.”
“I have stopped. I’m so sorry.”
It was a woman’s voice. Not a man’s. I blinked until the room came into focus. Until the darkness receded. “Lennie?” Oh, my god. What have I done?
She knelt beside me, concern etching her features. But not just concern. There was fear in her eyes too. The shower was beating down behind me, the bathroom filling with sweltering heat. My pants were around my ankles, my shirt discarded on the floor.
I pictured his truck, his meaty hands. I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth, willing the memories away.
“Colin, I-I-I I was just being playful.” She swallowed hard. “I-I thought…” the words trailed off, her lips quivering.
“No, I’m sorry.” Reaching out, I gently touched her face. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“Colin?” She paused, searching my eyes. “What happened to you?”
My gaze dropped to the floor.
Her finger tucked under my chin. “Please tell me. I don’t want to scare you like that again.”
I could feel the words inching up my esophagus and scratching the back of my throat. They burned as they clawed and raked their way across my tongue. I imagined the sweet relief I would feel if I allowed them to spill free, so finally I gave in.
“When I was eight years old, I was raped.” It was the first time I’d said the words out loud. And it filled me with a courage I’d never felt before. So I continued. I told her everything. About the man picking me up in his truck, about how he drove me into the middle of nowhere, and how he did things to me that are unimaginable. Afterward, he threatened to kill me if I ever told. Not that he needed to even say that. There was no way I’d ever tell people what happened. It was too shameful. Too embarrassing. Too awful.
Then he drove me home. Dropped me off down the street from my house.
Ray chewed me out for leaving the car at the gas station, and he made me promise not to tell Mom about any of it. Late that night Amelia heard me whimpering in my bed, and teased me for being such a baby.
That was the night I first felt hate. Not just for the man who hurt me, but for Ray, and for Amelia.
But mostly, I hated myself.
Eventually I did take a shower.
Alone.
I’d stood under the hot water and scrubbed my skin with soap until I’d erased all traces of his memory. It was the same thing I’d done that night after returning home. I remember washing my skin until it was red and raw. Until some of my flesh had actually worn off. At the time I foolishly believed I could get rid of him. That somehow one day I could forget. Wash the horrible night right down the drain. But almost twenty years later, the memory still lingers. Chases me, capturing me more often than I care to admit.
Once I was done with my shower and had gotten dressed, Lennie cut my hair like she’d promised. She stood in front of me snipping off the frayed edges and speaking to me in a gentle tone.
“Now I know why you’ve been so empathetic,” she said, as strands of hair sprinkled my bathroom floor. “You know exactly what I’m going through. You’ve stared death in the face. Had to endure the most horrible reality.”
She was right about having to endure something horrific, but she was wrong about the rest. I wasn’t empathetic because of what happened that night. My understanding of her disease was because of something else entirely. But I’d already shared enough for one night. Poured out enough of my pain. There was no way I could talk about anything else.
The squeak of the scissors sliced through the silence, more hair shedding onto the ground. “I still feel so bad about earlier,” Lennie’s voice was soft. “I never should’ve come on so strong.”
“How could you have known?”
“It’s just so awful what happened
to you.” Her lips curved downward.
I touched her hand, stopping the snap of the scissors. “It’s not your fault.”
“I know.” She nodded. My hand slipped from hers and she resumed her task. “So…you’ve never been with a woman then?”
It was an understandable question, but it caused my stomach to knot. In my mind I saw Sarah lying on her bed, hair splayed out over her pillow, legs wide, shirt off. I saw her staring at me with her one good eye, and I shuddered. “No,” I answered honestly. “I never have. I want to. I just…”
“It’s okay.” Lennie stopped cutting, her eyes crashing into mine. “I get it. And I’ll be patient. You take the lead on this, okay?”
For the first time since the incident tonight, my chest expanded, some of the tightness dissipating. I was grateful for her statement, grateful for her understanding and compassion.
“There.” Lennie stood back, studying her handiwork. “Much better.” Smiling, she set the scissors down on the bathroom counter.
“Thanks.” My gaze slid over her shoulder to check out my reflection in the mirror. I was a little embarrassed at all the liquid splatters and dust coating my mirror, but I shoved the thought away. It was too late to fix it anyway. And honestly, after my outburst earlier, the least of my concerns was a dirty bathroom. If Lennie wasn’t running for the hills yet, then I could rest assured that she wasn’t going to. “It does look good,” I told her honestly. “You’re full of hidden talents, aren’t you?”
Grinning, she shrugged. “I don’t know if I’d go that far.” Glancing around, she said, “Now show me where your broom is. I’ve gotta get this place cleaned up.”
I shook my head. “No way. You go sit down. I’ll clean up.” She cocked an eyebrow, opening her mouth as if she was going to protest. So I grabbed her by the shoulders and steered her into the hallway. “You’ve already done so much for me tonight. Besides, it’s getting late. You need to rest. I’ll clean up.”
“Okay,” she said in a resigned manner. “Fine.”
