Against Her Will

by Peter Martin

  She said goodbye to her mother on the doorstep before getting into her father’s blue Ford Mondeo. As they drove off, she turned to see her mum waving.

  The journey into work was quiet, save for her father’s small talk, obviously trying to keep her mind off what was to come. But she didn’t listen to half he said because so much was going round in her head. Then before she knew it, they were outside the Bluethorn building.

  ‘Thanks for the lift, dad.’

  ‘Good luck and don’t worry. You’ll be ok,’ he said to her reassuringly.

  There were tears in her eyes as she turned away from the car, and hoped he didn’t notice this.

  ‘Pick you up at one o’clock,’ he shouted before he drove off.

  The sun was shining as she walked into the building where she’d worked for the past eighteen months. She’d been happy here too until the attack. Now as petrified as on her first day, she entered the lift and pressed the button for the sixth floor. She was in the lift on her own, waiting anxiously for it to reach its destination.

  As soon as the lift opened, she saw Vanessa the receptionist, who’d known Donna since she’d started with the company.

  ‘Hallo Donna!’ she exclaimed all smiles. ‘How brilliant to see you back.’

  Donna felt colour coming to her cheeks. ‘Would you phone David Wallace, tell him I’m here?’

  ‘Of course. Won’t keep you a moment.’

  Vanessa picked up the phone and dialled through to David. Donna meanwhile, stood awkwardly in front of Vanessa’s desk, legs turning to jelly. The extra tablet she’d taken that morning didn’t appear to be working, so she took deep breaths in an effort to calm herself down.

  ‘He’ll be out in a minute,’ Vanessa said staring at her, probably noticing how nervous and afraid she looked. ‘So how have you been keeping? Been off for a while, haven’t you? The place hasn’t been the same without you.’

  ‘Really,’ Donna said with an embarrassing smile. How she wished Vanessa would stop rambling on; it made her feel even more nervous.

  At last, David Wallace came bounding towards her, what remained of his ginger hair flapping all over the place, his face alive with pleasure at seeing her.

  ‘Donna, you made it.’ He shook hands with her. ‘So glad you’re back. We can’t afford to be without people of your calibre, you know.’

  ‘Thanks David, that means a lot to me.’ Trying hard not to feel emotional as they went through to the cloakroom, she hung up her coat.

  The office area was open plan; there were around a dozen people, most of whom she knew, busy tapping away at their computers as David walked her through.

  ‘As you can see Donna, nothing much has changed. Everything is more or less as it was, except for one or two personnel. Business is brisk I might add as you would expect. Come on, we thought you’d like your old desk back.’

  ‘Thanks David, that’s very thoughtful of you.’ And they made their way around to it.

  As she walked across the office she saw a couple of her old colleagues looking up to greet her. Her heartbeat increased, and she began to feel giddy on seeing the banner on the far wall ‘WELCOME BACK DONNA’. This little gesture made her the centre of attention when she wanted as little fuss as possible.

  She wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere and hide, but that was impossible. A lot of her work mates shouted hallo and said how nice it was to see her back. Donna acknowledged them as best as she could. Already she was feeling very much on show. David gestured for her to go through to his office, just behind where she normally worked. He closed the door and she sat opposite him.

  As he observed her, she began to shake.

  ‘Right Donna, first of all there are a few formalities we need to go through. If you’ve got your return to work form, we can then confirm your rehabilitation programme. Once that’s done, we’ll get onto the work you’ll be doing…’

  Donna found it difficult to take everything in. She barely looked at David as he spoke and only realised she had to sign something when he pushed it in front of her.

  ‘Right, if you’re ready, I’ll take you across to Claire, who’s been doing your job since you’ve been away.’ He stood up, lifted up his arm to guide her out of his office to where Claire was sitting.

  ‘Claire, this is Donna,’ he said politely.

  ‘Ah, new recruit eh,’ Claire joked.

  Donna tried to smile. ‘Not exactly.’

  ‘Claire, if you could just familiarise Donna with what you do. Obviously she already knows most of it, but there may be one or two things that have changed since she’s been away.’

  ‘Of course. Great to see you, Donna. Why don’t you pull up a chair?’ Claire said shaking her thick auburn hair back. She appeared to be wearing contact lenses, which made her eyes squint now and again.

  Donna found a seat and watched as Claire guided her through what she was familiar with already. Claire was friendly enough and didn’t pry, only asking her if she was better. They talked a little about what had gone on since Donna had been away.

  As the morning passed, Donna began to realise how difficult it would be to get back into the job that at one time she’d done almost without thinking. She found it so hard to concentrate, constantly imagining they were all staring her. With a feeling of awkwardness, she stumbled on her words when spoken to, and sensed they didn’t know how to approach her either.

  It seemed to be a constant battle to remain at her desk, and on two occasions she had to go to the toilet to be sick. The morning dragged. Then at eleven-thirty Claire told her the daily team meeting was scheduled for fifteen minutes time. Donna didn’t think she could face this and suddenly felt faint.

  David Wallace took the meeting as usual. He began by mentioning Donna straightaway. ‘As you’re all aware, today we welcome Donna back to the team after a lengthy absence. I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say it’s lovely to see you back, Donna. You’ve been sorely missed, and I know we’ll all give you the support you need to get into the swing of things again.’

  They clapped for her, and she felt all their eyes on her, but she just couldn’t find any words to say to them, and instead peered down at the floor humiliated. Her face was burning and how she stopped herself from leaving the room she didn’t know.

  Finally, when the meeting dispersed, still feeling nauseated, she couldn’t stand it any longer. Time to get out of this awful place, and without saying anything, she went to her desk next to Claire’s, picked up her handbag and dashed out. The cloakroom and toilets were in the same direction, so anyone noticing her wouldn’t suspect a thing. Putting on her coat, and scanning her pass at the door, she walked towards the lift. Vanessa looked up, and must have seen her distressed face but didn’t say a word. Once she was in the lift, Donna wasn’t sure how she felt, the initial relief was soon replaced by a sense of failure. But she couldn't stop herself. Obviously, she wasn’t in any fit state for work yet.

  Chapter 9

  AS SOON AS SHE WAS OUT OF THE STUFFY BLUETHORN BUILDING, DONNA CLOSED HER EYES AND BREATHED IN THE FRESH AIR. Turning round and looking up at her place of work, she couldn’t stop herself from sobbing over what she’d just done. She ought to go back in there before it was too late, but couldn’t pluck up the courage.

  Walking away, she eventually ended up at Dexford’s Shopping Centre, heading towards a bus stop to wait for a bus, to take her back to her parent’s house.

  It didn’t take long for one to arrive. She fumbled in her purse for the right change, before making her way up the stairs to an empty seat away from the other passengers, in case she felt emotional again. Fifteen minutes later she got off at a stop only a few yards from the house. It was twelve-thirty, half an hour before her father was due to pick her up from Bluethorn.

  He’d just finished washing his car, and was wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand, when he glanced up and saw Donna’s troubled face.

  ‘What’s this?’ he asked her. ‘I thought you weren’t
coming out until one o’clock. You should have phoned - I’d have picked you up.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter dad. I’m perfectly capable of getting myself home.’ She walked past without looking at him.

  ‘Hang on a minute, love. You sure you’re all right?’

  ‘Couldn’t be better.’

  ‘Come on Donna, what’s happened now?’ He went over to her and grabbed her arm.

  ‘What do you care? Let go of me, will you?’ She wrenched it free.

  She was aware of him following her into the house. How she wished he’d leave her alone – wasn’t it enough that she’d had to walk out of work, without having him pester her as well?

  Donna went straight upstairs to her room, without going in to the living room to see her mother, and closed the door behind her. As soon as she sat down on the bed she broke down, sobbing gently, head in hands.

  Before long, there was a knock on the door. She sighed wondering what now.

  ‘Donna – why are you upset? Please can we come in?’ It was her mum this time, putting on her concerned-for-Donna voice.

  ‘Please go away. I want to be on my own,’ she answered, amid her tears.

  ‘Please let us help. Tell us what all this is about. You’re worrying us to death again,’ her father added in a troubled voice.

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Darling, we’re staying out here until you say we can come in – you hear me? Even if it takes all night,’ he told her stubbornly.

  She closed her eyes momentarily, wishing they’d leave her in peace, before getting off the bed to open the door to them. Then lying down again, she put her hands underneath the back of her head, and stared up at the ceiling. They both sat down on the edge of the bed and remained silent. It appeared they wanted her to make the first move.

  ‘I had to come home,’ she said after a few minutes.

  ‘Whatever for? You told us you felt better and wanted to go back,’ her mum said.

  ‘I thought I was ready, but I was wrong. It was horrible,’ she explained, moving up to sit up against the headboard, before telling them about the ‘Welcome Back’ banner and everything else that had happened. Everyone had been nice to her she told them, but she couldn’t handle being the centre of attention, and kept getting the impression they were all talking about her. This she couldn’t take.

  ‘Why don’t I phone David Wallace, and explain why you had to leave. He might let you come back again at a later date, when you feel better,’ her mother suggested.

  Donna looked up at her, knowing full well what she was up to. The option to go back wasn’t there any longer and didn’t her mum know it. Donna bunched her hands until the whites of her knuckles were showing, wanting so much to scream. Instead, she just shook her head vigorously.

  ‘I’m not going back there, mum, I can’t cope with it, not with them knowing about what happened to me. I prayed I could, and I tried really hard, but I can’t.’

  They went to her, putting their arms around her, holding her tightly hoping to comfort her. But, she didn’t want sympathy, she wanted to feel better, be normal again, but didn’t know how.

  ‘So what are you going to do now? Maybe you ought to see that doctor again,’ her father suggested.

  ‘He can’t do anything but pump me with pills that won’t do any good. I haven’t a clue what the answer is. But I’m leaving Bluethorn. I’d rather die than go back there.’

  ‘All right, if that’s what you think is best. Obviously, we have our opinions, and you can listen to our advice if you want, but at the end of the day it’s up to you. It’s your life after all,’ her mother said.

  ‘But I won’t have a job. And I don’t have Blake either. In fact thanks to that monster, I’ve lost everything.’ She stroked her thick hair with the back of her hand.

  ‘You’ll always have us, love. And when you’re well again, you’ll get another job easily. You’re bound to with your qualifications,’ her dad added, patting her hand.

  ‘Come on now Joe, let’s go downstairs, we’re crowding her space. Let Donna think this through herself. We’re here if you need us, darling. Anything we can do, you only have to ask.’

  Donna didn’t react to this. She didn’t care what they did. Her future was uncertain - but what did that matter? Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

  ‘Mum, dad,’ she whispered. ‘I’m so sorry to put you through this.’

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ her father said. ‘We understand. You can’t help it, but that’s not your fault. That maniac’s to blame, he who the police don’t seem to be able to find.’

  ‘They’ll never find him dad, because I couldn’t give a good description of what he looks like or anything about him. It’s hopeless.’

  She guessed they’d taken the hint, because they got up quietly and left, closing the door softly behind them. Thank God, she thought. It was best if she dealt with her problems in her own way.

  At six o’clock she went downstairs to have an evening meal with them, but returned to her room almost as soon as she’d finished eating.

  It had been an extremely stressful day and although she dropped off to sleep quickly, she spent a restless night, floating from one bad dream to another. From her unhappy childhood to her troubles with Blake, and of course the horrific attack. It was as if all the men in her life were fighting against her, wanting her for their own ends.

  When she woke the next morning, she felt drained by the bad things that kept happening to her - and couldn’t see the point in getting up; there was nothing to get up for anyway - so she remained in bed, lying there dozing wondering when or if her parents would interrupt her misery.

  Finally, the door to her bedroom opened, squeaking slightly. Her mother standing there stony faced as if she had something on her mind. But remembering back to when she was younger, she knew her mother never liked her to lie in, thinking it an idle occupation. Yet, what did she expect after the events of the last few months?

  ‘Sorry to disturb you, but dinner’s ready if you’d care to join us.’

  ‘I’m not hungry right now. I’ll have something later.’

  Her mother blinked rapidly seeming not to know what to make of this. They stared at each other for a few seconds.

  ‘Well if you’re sure. But remember you have to eat no matter how miserable you feel. No one can live without food.’

  ‘I’m not stupid, mum!’ She shouted causing her mother to flinch.

  Looking surprised by the sound of her daughter’s voice she replied ‘We’re beside ourselves worrying over you Donna, we really are. You can’t carry on like this. God knows where you’ll end up.’

  ‘And what’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘Nothing. I’m only saying…’

  ‘Well don’t. If I had somewhere else to go, I would – believe me. I’m only here as long as I have to be. So you needn’t worry. Once I’m gone, you’ll no longer be burdened with my troubles – will you?’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Whether you’re here or not, we’ll still be just as concerned,’ her mother replied angrily, leaving the room and the door wide open.

  Donna frowned. Why should she be bothered with them, especially her mother? Maybe she should use them, as they’d always used her. Then she breathed out with relief, glad to be on her own again. Perhaps it was her present muddled state of mind, but they were driving her crazy. The thought of spending an indefinite amount of time here, filled her with dismay. When she’d moved in with Blake, it had been like a breath of fresh air. At last, she’d had the freedom to do what she’d craved for, without interference or manipulation. But now that relationship was over, and she couldn’t face going to work, or being with her parents. It was back to square one again. As she continually thought in this irrational way, her head spun.

  Her only solace for the rest of the day, was to remain in her bedroom, first reading a book and then watching television, with not a peep out of her mum or dad. She was in no mood to speak to anyone although she guessed
one of them would show their face eventually.

  The television was still on; she lay back on her bed intermittently dozing every now and again, until a quiet knock at the door brought her back to reality. She whispered ‘oh no’ and hoped it would be her father. At least he listened to her with an open mind, even if he did eventually side with her mother most of the time.

  When the door opened she was relieved to see it was indeed him, his face troubled but also stern. He gave a serious smile.

  ‘Mind if I sit down love? I brought you something to eat and drink - you must be starving. It’s five-thirty and you haven’t eaten a thing all day.’

  He had a tray containing a plate of ham and cheese sandwiches and a bottle of fizzy pop, which he placed on the table by the bed.

  ‘Maybe just a little,’ she admitted.

  ‘Well, that’s a start I suppose. You tuck in now.’

  Donna looked up at him, pangs of hunger hit her nostrils. She picked up a sandwich and began to eat it slowly. Despite not wanting to appear too keen, she ate most of the food.

  ‘Any better now?’

  ‘Not really. Not as hungry perhaps, but I still feel so low. I don’t know what’s the wrong with me? You can’t begin to imagine, dad.’

  ‘I don’t suppose I can. By the way, David Wallace phoned. He wanted to know how you are. I told him you’re ill again. He was very nice about it; said he wanted us to keep him informed. He’ll take you back love, which isn’t surprising considering your qualifications and abilities. They still have a very high opinion of you. Just get another note from your doctor, and David will let you go back whenever you’re ready.’

  Her father seemed pleased by David Wallace’s sympathetic attitude.

  But she felt a jolt in her stomach, as panic rushed through her once more. Tears formed in her eyes and she shook her head from side to side.

  ‘Please Donna; this is your career we’re talking about here. Don’t throw it away over what happened to you. That’s plain stupid.’

  ‘You don’t know what that monster did to me, dad. He raped and beat me and took away my self-respect. I thought I was going to die. And when I found out I was pregnant and had an abortion, not knowing whose baby it was, I was devastated. I have to live with the fact that I killed by own baby and that it might have been Blake’s child. I’ll never forget that until the day I die. And now I can’t face work, because they know why I was off sick, and are judging me. It’s too much to take.’