Only Ever Us

by J. H. Croix

  “I forgot about that,” Holly said, slapping her hand on the table. “You were in that fire at the funeral home.”

  “Yeah, I'm fine. Totally fine,” I said quickly before taking a gulp of water. I almost sputtered but managed to swallow without making a mess.

  “You saved her, Rowan,” Holly said with a dimpled smile.

  He chuckled lightly, the sound sending a shiver down my spine. Jesus. This man got to me, and it was so freaking annoying.

  “It's his job,” Nate interjected, his tone dry.

  “He still rescued her,” Holly added. “You haven't rescued me.”

  Nate rolled his eyes. “I'm not a firefighter. Would you like me to fly over and drop some water on you?” he teased.

  Nate was a pilot. Among other things, he helped out during fire season, flying crews out to the fires and also dropping water and fire retardant in areas where it was needed.

  “No, thank you,” Holly said pointedly before glancing at Rowan. “I just learned from Mae that you two actually went to college together.”

  I tore off a bite of pizza, chewing rapidly while I pondered the ways I could get back at her. She studiously didn't look my way. Rowan’s gaze bounced from her to me and back again before he nodded. “Yep.”

  “Small world,” Nate commented.

  Ugh. I was annoyed with that fucking phrase at this point. “Well, now you can be friends again,” Holly offered brightly.

  I didn’t have a damn thing to say about that. Rowan's eyes met mine, and I could have sworn I saw a flare of heat there. I almost growled at my friend. She was purposely meddling, and I did not appreciate it.

  Chapter Four

  Rowan

  Mae was glaring at Holly, her eyes narrowed and her lips pressed in a tight line. God, she was so fucking sexy when she was annoyed. I knew I shouldn't enjoy it. I especially knew I shouldn't be thinking any of these thoughts around her. I still didn’t know why, but Mae had cut me out of her life before so completely that I knew something big had happened.

  It felt too late to fix it. Yet all I wanted was to make it right, to get back the friend I thought I’d had and find my way back to the only girl I’d ever loved.

  Nate chuckled because obviously he knew his wife was up to no good. My name was called from the counter, and I turned away. “Gonna grab my pizza. Good to see you again, Holly,” I said with a nod.

  Nate’s name was called next, and he walked over with me. “What's the scoop on you and Mae?” he asked as soon as we reached the counter again.

  “The scoop?”

  He grinned. “You can try to play dumb, but clearly, there is some history with you two.”

  I rolled my eyes as I handed cash over to the guy at the register. “We were in college together. We were good friends and then went on a few dates. After that, she iced me out. I still don’t know what I did.”

  Nate let out a low whistle. “Ouch. Did you try to find out?”

  “I tried but never did get the story.” My heart felt a burn, and I shifted my shoulders.

  “How long ago was that?”

  “Seven years.”

  I hadn't realized Holly had approached. “Wow, you're counting too,” she interjected.

  I glanced between them, relieved to see that Mae was still at the table. Holly’s grin was sly. “Ready to go?” she asked Nate.

  “Just waiting to pay. You need me to take care of your check?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “I’m going to use the bathroom.”

  He dipped his head, giving her a lingering kiss before she walked toward the restrooms.

  Nate laughed softly. “Watch out for Holly. If she decides she wants to set you two up, she'll make it happen.”

  “I don't think Mae wants to be set up with me, of all people.”

  I glanced over my shoulder to see Mae shrugging into her jacket. While Nate was paying, I left my pizza on the counter and went to the restroom. When I returned, Holly and Nate had left, and Mae was nowhere to be found.

  “Dammit,” I muttered to myself, grabbing the pizza box and hurrying out to the parking lot. She was stopped beside a car, fishing her keys out of her purse. She was conveniently parked right beside mine.

  “Mae!” I called.

  She turned. “What?” she muttered as I stopped between our vehicles.

  I opened my passenger door quickly and slid the pizza in.

  “Look, this is a small town, and I'd like to be friends,” I said quickly.

  “We're friends. It's fine.” Her tone was careful, and her eyes landed somewhere around my cheek.

  “Is it fine?”

  She blinked up at me, and it felt as if a charge lit the air between us.

  “Sure.” She shrugged. “I think it's fine. It's been years. It was college. Whatever.”

  I rested my hand on the top of her car. “Mae, I honestly don’t know what happened.” Frustration churned inside me because I felt as if I were shadowboxing here, and I had no idea what I was facing.

  It was just dark enough in the parking lot that I couldn’t tell, but I could’ve sworn Mae’s eyes glittered with tears. Her lashes swept down, and she took a shaky breath. When she looked back at me, her expression was careful. “At that party, I saw you with Sharon.”

  I stared at her blankly, picking through my recollections. It took a minute, but I recalled Sharon flirting aggressively that night and even trying to kiss me. “When she made a move on me? Mae, nothing happened. Nothing.”

  Mae’s mouth twisted in a weary smile, and bitterness chased in her eyes. “She made a move on any guy she thought I liked. That was her thing. We were only roommates for a semester. I didn't like that many guys, anyway.”

  This still didn’t make sense. “Mae, you vented to me about her. You have to know I’d never do that.”

  We stared at each other, and Mae shivered slightly. I didn’t know what Mae wasn’t telling me, but this wasn’t why she stopped talking to me. She lifted her keys and tapped the fob. Her engine started up. “I want the car to be warm when I get in,” she explained.

  I hadn't realized I’d instinctively stepped closer to her. “I don’t think you’re telling me everything, but maybe you will someday.” A part of me was frustrated, almost angry, but I knew her well enough that I knew she was uncomfortable with something. Pressure wouldn’t solve it. Not now, not here, in a parking lot in the winter.

  She took another breath before dipping her chin, just barely, to acknowledge my comment.

  “How have you been? I’m sorry about your grandmother.”

  “Thank you,” she said quietly.

  We were standing there, staring at each other, while her car engine hummed. I thought I wanted to kiss her. Actually, I didn't think I wanted to kiss her. I really fucking wanted to kiss her. The need was fierce.

  She opened her mouth to say something, and reason and thought fled me in the chilly darkness. I closed the distance between us in a flash. She was cold after all, but her lips were warm. She let out a surprised sound when I brushed mine over hers.

  I thought this would be when she shoved me away, but she didn’t. Her mouth opened underneath mine, and I couldn't resist sliding my hand in her silky, honeyed locks. I angled my head to the side and slipped my tongue into the warm sweetness of her mouth. It had been a full seven years since I kissed Mae, but it felt like just yesterday as the sensations from back then came rushing back.

  Sweet hell. Her lips were soft and plump, and her tongue glided against mine in a searching tease. It felt as if lightning sizzled through my entire system.

  Headlights arced across us, and she jumped back, breaking the kiss abruptly. “Oh!” Her hand flew to her chest.

  Even though there wasn't much light out here in the parking lot, I knew her cheeks were pink, and I wanted to kiss her again. Her shoulders rose and fell with her rapid breathing, and it felt as if the air around us was crackling with electricity.

  “Mae,” I began just as another car turned into
the parking lot.

  “I have to go,” she said. Moving swiftly, she opened her car door and slipped in.

  She lifted her hand in a quick wave while I tried to absorb the sensations rioting through me. I watched as she drove away, her taillights glowing red down the road after she turned out of the parking lot. An icy gust of wind blew, nudging me out of my stunned haze. I climbed into my SUV and blasted the heat because it was freezing.

  I drove home, my thoughts turning over what Mae had shared about her college roommate, the one who'd made such a bold pass at me. Since I’d ignored her, I hadn’t thought much of it beyond that I meant to tell Mae it happened. Honestly, if she hadn’t been Mae’s roommate, if I hadn’t been best friends with Mae and secretly in love with her, I wouldn’t have even remembered that pass or that girl. It had been at a crowded party, the cacophony of people around me hazing out everything else.

  I still knew Mae wasn’t telling me everything. I sensed it in my gut, down to my bones. It hurt that she wouldn’t just tell me. Fuck.

  Chapter Five

  Mae

  “So, this data is yours,” Scott said, gesturing his hand in a small arc.

  We were seated at a U-shaped desk, which had an array of computer monitors lining the surface and encircling us. I felt my lips curling into a smile.

  “This is awesome.” I let out a happy sigh.

  Scott chuckled as I glanced toward him. “Isn't it, though?”

  Scott Rogers was another professor here at the university. While he wasn't my boss, he’d been assigned to show me around. I worked in environmental and marine sciences with a focus on oceans.

  I loved it. Having grown up in Alaska with fishing as part of my childhood, I cared deeply about making sure we had sustainable fisheries. Water comprised approximately seventy percent of the Earth’s surface, and the oceans held more than ninety-six percent of that water. It was critical for them to stay healthy.

  Alaska was one of the last frontiers as far as fisheries went in North America. It was one of the few places with well-protected fisheries, yet it was a constant battle here.

  My grandfather had lived his life fishing. Summer days spent on the rivers and going out fishing in the ocean were some of my favorite childhood memories. Yet climate change was real. It was coming fast and furious here in Alaska. Glaciers that were once visible from the highway in Alaska had receded out of view with so many more changes galloping toward us.

  “Basically, just take your time going through this data. Each data set contains different rivers, bays, and fish runs coming in from the ocean and so on,” Scott was explaining, referencing fish tracking. “We also have cross-comparisons to data shared from other countries and all over the US. And old data from different fisheries. It's a lot.”

  He chuckled again when I began clicking through the screens to look around, bouncing from one computer screen to the next. “Slow your roll. You've got plenty of time. So what brought you here?” he asked next.

  I thought I detected a hint of interest from Scott, but I wasn't sure. He was handsome with clean-cut features and an outdoorsy vibe. He had rich brown hair and eyes to match. I tried to mentally assess if there was any attraction for me, but there was nothing, not even a little zing of curiosity. I’d done that for years because I found it nearly impossible to experience chemistry. One tragic night robbed me of that, blockading my instincts behind a wall of fear and distrust.

  I couldn't help it, but my mind conjured up Rowan with his almost black hair and piercing green eyes. Merely imagining him elicited a flash of fiery heat while I couldn’t evoke anything even resembling heat to anyone else. I didn't want to get involved with anybody I worked with, but it would have been nice to feel some sort of attraction. My internal sigh was weary and resigned.

  Why, oh why, did Rowan have to light my fire so fiercely?

  “Mae?” Scott prompted, fortunately oblivious to my mental ramblings.

  What had he asked me? Oh, right, why here. “I grew up in Willow Brook and wanted to come back to Alaska.”

  “Ah, Alaska born and bred then,” he said with a quick nod.

  “Absolutely. I love fishing, and I love the ocean. That's what led me into environmental and marine sciences. I'm thrilled to be back here and to actually be doing this job, right here at the cutting edge, so to speak. I don't know if that's good or bad. With the shifts in the weather, things are already changing fast here, and I'm very concerned about the effects of warmer ocean temperatures on salmon spawning.”

  “You and everyone who tracks what happens in the ocean,” he commented dryly. His phone vibrated, and he patted his shirt pocket, slipping it out and glancing down. “I need to take this.” He stood from the desk, rapping his knuckles lightly on the surface. “You know where to reach me if you have any questions about syllabi, classes, and so on.”

  “I do. Thank you for showing me around today.”

  “If I don't see you in the hallways before then, I'll see you at the staff meeting on Friday.”

  I smiled and waved as he left the room. I lost myself in data for a few hours as I familiarized myself with the various computer systems at my fingertips here. Thank God I’d set an alarm on my phone for my first class because I would have lost track of time.

  “How was your first week?” my mother asked, smiling at me from across the table.

  “It was good. Actually, it was really good. I'm glad I decided to take the job.” I lifted my glass of water and took a swallow.

  My mother had wanted to get pizza, so she’d asked me to go with her to Alpenglow Pizza. I only hoped Rowan didn't happen to stop by while we were here. It had been a few days since our kiss, and I'd replayed it too many times in my mind. I'd also seen him in town almost every single day, which was frustrating. Even though I was working in Anchorage, I liked to grab coffee at Firehouse Café. I also had to go to the grocery store, and apparently, so did he. I also knew he went to the same gas station I did, and he was staying in the apartment above the garage at Delilah and Alex's place, which was a mere three houses down from my grandmother's house. Willow Brook was truly a small town, and I would have to get used to seeing Rowan.

  I kept telling myself the embers that had started to flicker into flames from that kiss would cool soon. That didn't seem to be happening. Seeing Rowan everywhere wasn't helping matters at all. I forced my attention back to my mother.

  “I'm glad you're here,” she said, reaching over and squeezing my hand on the table.

  With the exception of Rowan’s presence, I was glad to be home. I'd missed it. I was an Alaskan girl through and through, and no other place felt like home.

  My mom's honey-blond hair, which I had inherited, had faded and had silver streaks mingling through the blond. Her eyes were a darker shade of brown than mine.

  We chatted a bit about the town and her life before our pizza arrived. The server set it on the raised stand in the center of the table, checking to see if we needed anything else before he left. I had just lifted a slice of pizza when my mother commented, “So, I heard an old friend of yours from college moved here.”

  I lowered the pizza. “Huh?”

  My mother’s eyes twinkled as she lifted one shoulder in a delicate shrug. “I heard it from Maisie when I saw her at the store. He’s on the new firefighter crew.”

  I took a bite of pizza, nodding and making some sort of humming sound. My mother, because she was gracious enough not to push the matter, started eating. After a few minutes, she added, “I worry about you, hon. You never date.”

  I eyed her suspiciously and almost reached for another piece of pizza, but I was full. With a sigh, I replied, “I’m not really focused on dating.”

  I’d never told my parents what happened in college. A few college friends knew and the therapist I’d seen. I really didn’t want to be slinging the events of that night around. As much as I tried not to have it define me, I also knew that by choosing silence, I had, in some ways, given it more power.


  The desperate wish for someone to be there for me had morphed into me not wanting to rely on anyone. Ever. My thoughts circled back to Rowan, and I braced myself against them.

  Aside from all he didn’t know, he’d been one of the best friends I’d ever had, and I’d really started to fall for him. That spark had burned hot and still did.

  My mother's voice brought me back to the moment. “I know you haven’t been focused on that, and I’m not one to pry or push, but I worry because I feel like something happened.”

  I shrugged lightly because no way in hell would I talk about it here, if ever. “I’m fine, Mom.”

  She studied me quietly before dabbing at her mouth with a napkin. “Well, I hope you’ll find someone if you want that.”

  “Mom, if I meet someone and it feels right, then yes, I want that. Until then, don't worry about it. I'm focused on being back home, back where I want to be. I have a job that I love. That's a lot more than some people have. I like being single,” I insisted, which was true but also not really true. Being single was safe. What I craved was feeling safe with someone else, and I didn't believe that was possible.

  As I lay in bed later that night, I replayed that stupid kiss with Rowan yet again. Why did I tell him about seeing my roommate hit on him? Now, I felt even more ridiculous because there was one detail Rowan didn't know, and only one other person knew. Back in college, I’d still been a virgin, and the only person who’d known that back then was that roommate, the one who’d hit on him. Because like an idiot, before I realized just how she was, we’d been friendly. I wanted to bond with my college roommate. One night after a few too many margaritas at a bar, I'd fessed up that I'd never gone there with any guy.

  She took advantage of that because she was always willing to go there. I wasn't shaming her. I just hated how she used it to hurt me. Rowan was the third guy I had started to date that she made a move on. I wondered if he'd been telling me the truth the other night, that it had never gone further than what I saw. I would always have to wonder.