by J. H. Croix
“What does this have to do with him now?” she repeated. “Does Rowan know what happened?”
I swallowed and nodded. “Yeah. It’s weird. I got this email from Chet, and then Rowan talked to his dad and an attorney about it when he was back in North Carolina. It feels—” I sighed. “I don't, I don't even know how to explain. I don't want… I actually…” I kept stuttering over my own words, frustrating myself. “Back when it happened, I did go talk to the campus sexual assault team about it. They were nice, but they explained that the case would be really difficult to pursue since I didn't remember much. I decided then not to do anything about it, and I don't want to open it back up now. I just want to move on. I’m upset that Rowan talked to somebody about it without asking me.”
Phoebe studied me quietly for a moment. “I get it,” she finally said. “I really do. It's yours to figure out. But I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe rather than cutting him out, you let him know you need him to respect how you feel about it going forward. That’s always an option.”
My heart literally ached in my chest. “I know that's an option.” I twisted a napkin between my fingers. “Then there's that stupid email. I don't know what to do about that.”
“Tell that asshole to fuck off. Do not let this guy have power over you. Maybe you're not going to take him to court, but what the fuck? Do you really think it's because Rowan talked to somebody? I mean, how would this guy even know about that? That doesn't make sense.”
“It's weird. I don’t understand how he knows I talked to anyone.”
Phoebe nodded firmly. “Yeah, it's fucking weird and creepy and intimidating. I’m sure that’s his point. Maybe you don't want anything to happen about the past and I get that, but don't let this guy fuck with you from a distance like that.”
“I don't know what to do, though.” I shrugged, hating the sense of helplessness elicited by a mere email.
My friend, a tough as hell hotshot firefighter and who probably had way more nerve than me, pursed her lips. “If you don't want to do anything, then I say just block him and go from there. You're probably not going to hear any more from him. Or reply and ask him. What's the worst that could happen?”
My stomach flipped over. I stared at her. “Uh, I don't know.”
“You're here in Alaska. He's not going to show up here. Like, that's crazy. He has far more to lose than you do.”
“Except for my peace of mind. That's why I didn't want Rowan to talk to anyone about it without asking me. He just went and did that.”
“This guy's email has already fucked with your peace of mind. I also can’t help but wonder if you’re upset with Rowan because he’s safe to be upset with.”
“What do you mean?” Now, my stomach churned uncomfortably. Not out of fear but a sense of doubt.
“I mean, you can’t do a damn thing about the past, but you can do something about now. It’s not okay that Rowan went all manly helpful, but he is someone you can react to now. He does respect you, so you can be upset, and it’s safe.”
“Oh.” I eyed her.
“Let's do it together.”
“Do what together?”
Phoebe shrugged casually, her attitude all no-big-deal. “Reply to that email.”
My heart was pounding in a reckless, sick beat. Suddenly, I realized something. I was letting Chet’s email get to me. Fuck him.
“Okay, what do we say?”
“Type it in your notes first. Don't just hit reply.”
“Always smart,” I replied with a firm nod.
Phoebe scooted her chair around to my side of the table, offering, “Don't obsess over it. Just say something direct and blunt.”
“Uh, okay.” I pulled up my notes.
After a little tinkering with Phoebe reviewing the final product, I replied, “I can talk to whoever I want. Don't fucking email me again and leave me alone. If you don’t, I might pursue my legal options.”
I looked over at Phoebe. “You really think I should send this?”
She nodded vigorously. “Hell fucking yes! I know that red dot is driving you crazy, isn't it? It's the only unopened email you have.”
“Yeah, it's driving me nuts.” I rolled my eyes.
She laughed. “Just do it.”
Phoebe's courage and direct approach were infectious. I finally felt like I wasn't letting this hold my emotions hostage anymore. I opened his email, pasted in my reply, and hit send before I could think any further about it.
“Now block his email, and it'll go into your trash. If you decide to open it, you can, but it won't give you the red dot,” she offered matter-of-factly.
“I freaking hate those!” I burst out laughing.
Phoebe grinned over at me just as a server stopped by to ask if we wanted more coffee. Once he moved on, I looked over at her. “Enough about me. How are you doing with the whole wedding thing?”
“Well, that was a quick shift.”
I waved my hand in the air. “I’m fine. I really don’t want to dwell on that. I swear. We dealt with my thing.”
She eyed me skeptically. “First, what are you going to do about Rowan?”
“Ugh! I haven't decided. I need a little more time to think about it. We're not done, I swear. Now…” I paused and hitched my brows. “Let’s talk about what the hell you’re going to do about Tasha’s wedding.”
She drummed her fingertips on the table. “Nothing. There's nothing I can do. I'm not going to be her bridesmaid, though, and I already told her.”
“Good for you. Honestly, I still can't believe she had the nerve to ask. When is the wedding?”
“Valentine’s Day,” she ground out.
“Oh, my god. You're fucking kidding me. Valentine's Day?”
“Yeah. She said she wanted a winter wedding.” Phoebe wrinkled her nose at that.
“Who does that?”
“Does what?”
“Marry their ex-best friend’s ex in their hometown on freaking Valentine’s Day,” I said flatly.
“My former friend when she's trying to rub it in.”
“Are you sure you're over your ex?” I pressed.
Phoebe let out a heavy sigh. “Yes, I really am. I thought about breaking it off for months before I did. But this sucks. He was screwing around on me with the person I thought was my best friend.”
“I know, I know. It’s so shitty.”
“Every time I think about it, I get angry. And then, I get angry with myself for being angry because I shouldn't care. Like, I don't want to be with him, but I can’t get over what she did.”
“Oh, it's a huge violation of trust. Tasha broke a key friend rule. It’s totally not cool to screw around with your friend’s fiancé. That she asked you to be in the wedding is next-level crazy. I'm sure we can rustle up a collective town refusal to attend the wedding. It can just be her and her parents,” I offered.
Her hair swung around her shoulders as she shook her head swiftly. “No, no. I don't want to do that.”
“What are you going to do about Archer?”
“I'm trying to figure that out.”
“Have you seen him yet?”
“Nope. Apparently, he's coming to town right after Christmas.”
“Well, that is going to be an interesting conversation. I can’t wait to hear about it.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Rowan
After the crew finished up a training exercise, Graham invited us to go out for drinks. I was in no mood to go. It had been five days since Mae and I last spoke. Every fucking day I drove by her house and had to keep my hands from turning the steering wheel into her driveway. It sucked. Big time. I missed her every day.
Even though I was in no mood, I went because I needed the distraction. Otherwise, I’d have been my apartment all alone and be cranky as hell.
“Rowan, you’ve been around a lot lately,” Alex commented the following day as I brushed snow off my windshield.
His truck was parked besi
de my SUV. I glanced over, ignoring his observation and asking, “How come you don't use the actual garage?”
“Because there's room for one car, but the other half is filled with my stuff,” Delilah called over as she approached us. He chuckled as she stopped beside him. “I promised him my Christmas present would be me going through it and deciding what I don't want to keep.”
Alex shrugged easily as he caught her hand and reeled her to him for a quick kiss. “I don't mind. This is the first place I've owned that had an actual garage. I'm used to winter without parking in a garage, so I can survive.”
“I know, but you're being all manly and insisting I park in it.” Delilah glanced over at me and rolled her eyes. “I try parking outside, and then he just starts my car and drives it into the garage.”
I smiled at them. “Enjoy it,” I offered.
“How’s Mae?” Delilah asked next.
I narrowed my eyes at her as I opened the passenger door and tossed the snow brush on the floor. “Delilah, I didn't take you for a gossip,” I replied as I straightened and closed the door.
“I'm not gossiping. I'm just asking how Mae is because that's where you usually stay,” she said pointedly.
I let out a sigh. “We're working some things out. Do you know her well?”
“Not really. I'm still getting to know people around here, although you're newer than me in town so now I feel like old news,” Delilah replied lightly.
Alex opened the passenger door to his truck and gestured her in. “I know Mae pretty well. We grew up together. Do I need to kick your ass or something?”
“Fuck, no. I swear I didn’t do anything,” I insisted.
Then I thought about my conversation with Remy and how I’d talked to that attorney without asking Mae about it. I was trying to believe I hadn’t crossed too many lines. “I wouldn't deliberately hurt Mae.”
Alex gave me a considering look as he closed the passenger door. “I'd guess you're in love.”
“Hey, you don't even need to guess. I'm in love,” I said flatly.
Alex chuckled. “Well then, you'd best figure things out in a hurry.”
“I’m working on it.”
A few minutes later, I drove by Mae's house again. I wanted to see her so much it was a visceral ache in every corner of my body. I missed her like crazy.
I wanted to know how the hell Chet knew she had talked to anybody because I knew nobody I talked to would’ve said a word to him. Once I was on the highway, I tapped my screen to make a call.
Darryl answered on the third ring with, “What's up?”
I cut right to my point. “It's a little weird, but Chet actually ended up emailing Mae. Somehow, he knows she talked to someone. I know you wouldn't have said anything, but I was wondering if you might know.”
“What the fuck?” my friend muttered. “Hang on, let me ask Steph.” I heard him move the phone away and call out his wife's name.
A minute later, she was on the line. “I've got you on speaker,” he explained and quickly summarized what I’d just told him. “What do you think?”
“That's weird. I have my suspicions, though,” Stephanie said.
“You do?”
“So, when that happened,” she began.
My gut churned just thinking of it. That singular event had burned a line through my friendship with Mae. Just when I thought our relationship was finally going to the next level, it had been severed completely. Except it had never been severed in my heart.
“Rowan?” Stephanie prompted.
“Sorry,” I said quickly. “I’m driving and was making sure I didn’t miss an exit.”
“Chet still lives in Raleigh. I’ll need to ask around, but Mae told us at the time, right after it happened. I went with her down to the clinic. It was stressful and weird. She decided she didn't want to pursue charges because she didn’t remember much. She was just so freaked out, she couldn't connect the dots. But there was a girl who happened to be at the clinic that day, and I think she heard part of the conversation. She lived on our same floor at the dorm and not a single one of us trusted her. She was with a guy at the time who was buddies with Chet.”
“But what does that have to do with now?” I asked, genuinely puzzled.
“Chet took a job in Raleigh at a law firm where that woman works. Maybe he just found out she said something back then.”
I turned that over in my mind. The whole thing was bothering me, and more than anything, I was fucking furious about the whole situation. I was really, really, resisting the urge to swoop in, call Chet, and tell him to fuck off. I was also ignoring a message from that attorney who had nicely followed up, likely as a favor to my father, to see if Mae wanted to talk with her.
“Tell me what you find out,” I said to Stephanie.
“Of course. Also, tell Mae I said hey,” she replied.
“You got it.”
“We kind of lost touch after I had kids.” Darryl’s chuckle was wry at that comment. “It's a sad side effect of being a mom. You finish college, and life goes on.”
“I'll make sure to tell her you said hey. She's got the same number, you know.”
“How about this? You let her know I said hey, and then I'll text her. I don't want it to be weird.”
“You got it. And thanks for trying to chase this thing down with Chet. I appreciate it,” I said sincerely.
After the call, my heart gave a sharp twist. Stephanie assumed Mae and I were all good. And we weren’t. Mae was frustrated with me for nosing into things, and I’d just gone and done it again. I pounded my fist lightly on the steering wheel. Mae hadn’t told me I couldn’t text her, so I could at least do that. Maybe she didn't even care why Chet emailed her out of the blue, but I did, and I did not fucking trusting that guy.
After stopping to get some coffee, I decided a call to my father was in order. When I wasn't sure what to do, he usually gave good advice. He answered immediately because he always did when he was available.
“Hey, Dad.”
“Hey, Rowan, how's it going?’
“How's Colbie?”
I could hear the smile in his voice. “Well, she'd win an award for being cranky, but she isn't trying to get back with that guy. Whatever you and Lucas told him, he's steered clear. He also managed to piss her off.”
“Well, that is good. What pissed her off?”
“Apparently, he started spreading rumors about her.”
“He's a fucking asshole. Excuse my language,” I replied.
“Sometimes it's the only thing that expresses something properly,” my father offered blandly. “Anyway, she’s back to being a firecracker. It’s good to have her back, rather than sullen and hiding from everything and not talking to us. She's even slamming her door again.”
I chuckled. “Ah, well, then we know she’s good. After you and I finish chatting, I'd love to talk to her.”
“You got it. So, what are you calling about?”
I quickly filled him in on the situation with Mae, commenting at the end, “Your friend told me it's not a great case, so I’m going to leave it alone unless Mae wants to do something.”
“Trust me, the police know those stories, and we know they're true. But our legal system isn’t like television. Nothing happens fast. When there's no physical evidence, testimony is key. So, it’d be her word against his. Beyond a reasonable doubt is a high standard to meet under the best of circumstances.”
“I know.” I took a swallow of my coffee, tracing the top of the lid after I set it in the cup holder in the console.
“I know you want to fix this for her. But you’ve got to let this be her call. I know it's hard. Our world is weird. Being a man isn't about being the tough guy and calling the shots. It's about being strong enough to let whoever you love make their own decisions about things that really matter. This is something that really matters.” My dad’s voice was low and solemn.
My chest felt tight, and I had to swallow through the thickness in my throat.
“I know you're right.”
“I know you do. By the way, your sister walked in for the last half of that conversation so she's gonna want to know what it's about. Call anytime. I love you.”
“Love you too, Dad.”
And then, my sister was on the phone, immediately opening with, “What in the hell was that about?”
I opened my mouth to tell her to back off with the swearing but chuckled instead. “Never mind.”
“Hell is a place, you know,” she teased. “Seriously, what's Dad talking about?”
Fuck my life. Now, my sister was asking, and I didn't feel like I could tell her the whole story. The best I could do was summarize and not mention Mae’s name. “Here's the deal: a woman who I care about had something happen to her. I might have tried to do something about it, and she didn't appreciate it.”
“Oh, you mean like you did with my boyfriend?” She threw that question like a gauntlet.
“Yes, like that,” I replied honestly. “But you’re not eighteen, so it’s a little different.”
Colbie was quiet for a few beats before she spoke. “Here's the thing: even if you're right, it still sucks. Like, Larry was an asshole, and he was getting controlling. I did figure that out, and I'm grateful for you and Lucas getting all like tough because he was doing some serious shit and it was happening right now. But if this was even a year later, and you tried to nose in my business when something was already over, I'd be pretty upset.”
I went quiet this time. “Okay, so it's okay that we nosed in your business?”
“Well, yeah. Because he was dealing meth, and I didn't realize that. That's dangerous, and I was in a bad situation with him. He hadn't hit me yet, but he was getting there.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I growled.
“Fuck is way worse to say than hell,” Colbie said sharply.
I took a breath, letting it out slowly. “So, you're really going to stay away from this guy?”
“Yes, I am, but it doesn't mean I'm always going to make the right decisions. I don't even know what you're talking about because you're not telling me very many details. I'm assuming that's because you're trying to be respectful, but I hope you get my point.”
