Searching For Who I Am: Book 1 (The Searching Trilogy)

by Paige Orr

  Searching For Who I Am

  Book 1 Of The Searching Trilogy

  Paige Orr

  Dedication

  To my best friend Gemma who has been by my side my whole life and has been with me through thick and thin. We've done some crazy shit together and now you're a mum and I know you're going to be the best mum ever. Also to my fiance who has been by my side for almost 5 years. You've helped me become a better person and have taught me that I should love myself. You both mean the world to me and I wouldn't be where I am today without you. I love you both to the moon and back.

  *TRIGGER WARNING* This book contains scenes of kidnap, torture, self harm, abuse and scenes of a sexual nature.

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Chapter 50

  Chapter 51

  Chapter 52

  Published by Paige Orr

  ©2020 Glasgow

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or modified in any form, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

  Asmodeus

  I stand at the window staring outside, knowing that I don't have long to complete what must be done, so turning around, I sit behind my desk and pour myself a shot of whiskey. I can't think about what is to come, it will only make this more difficult, sighing I pull out a sheet of paper and begin to write.

  My Dearest Daughter,

  I know this might come as quite the shock for you but there are important things that you must know. You see, I know that I shall die tonight but unfortunately there is nothing that can be done to change that because it would put your life in danger and I would do anything to stop that. This might be hard to grasp but you need to know what happened between your mother and I.

  It's important for you to know that I never left you or your mother, she simply ran from me, taking you with her. You must understand that she was trying to hurt me because I didn't have feelings for her and yet I loved you. It's understandable that she would feel pained, I just wish that the pain I caused wouldn't be taken out on you. I know I must have hurt her deeply but our kind cannot feel such strong emotions towards humans, unless we wish for travesty to befall them. I tried to tell her as much as I could but I knew if she found out the truth, she would kill you out of fear. It is such a human emotion, fear it drives good people to do unthinkable things as it did her.

  She left in the middle of the night when you were only six months old. The idea that she could take the most precious thing in all the worlds from me completely broke me. I could not believe I had lost the most important person in my life. For a long time I sat in your nursery staring at the walls, singing your favorite lullaby doing anything that I could just to feel close to you.

  I was a mess after that, desperate to find you. I’ve done many unspeakable things in my search for clues to help me find you. I would have given anything to be able to see you again. I searched the city far and wide hoping for any scrap that she may have left behind but you were nowhere to be found. This went on for three years until one day I finally found you, I was so overjoyed that I had managed to locate you that I nearly went out of my mind trying to reach you hoping that I could talk your mother around. I went straight to the house that she had kept you in wishing that my charm could win her over but hindsight is twenty-twenty, I soon realized this was not the smartest decision I could have made as all I did was make her feel trapped. Her reaction made me think of the human film Dirty Dancing except as a horror as they said 'no one puts baby in a corner'.

  When she answered the door and saw me standing there instead of the joy I was hoping for there was pure unadulterated rage. She immediately attacked reminding me of a fierce cat as she went straight for my eyes and even as I tried to fight her off I didn't want to cause her any physical harm. I wish that she felt the same towards you as to threaten me, she told me how you would breathe your last breath if I ever tried to contact you. I couldn't see you in the house and didn't know where you were. So I couldn't take you away, I had to leave without you. If I had the chance that day, knowing what was to come. I would have made sure not to leave without you in my arms. I was losing my baby girl all over again. I didn't want to believe that a mother who is supposed to protect her child could so easily toss you to the wolves so to speak. Mothers are supposed to be willing to give up their lives to protect their young but with my inability to love her it seems that I broke something deep down inside of her. Her eyes just looked empty, I really never meant to hurt your mother. I did care for her at one point. Just not the way she wanted me to. If things were different I could even picture us as any other normal family but alas dreams are meant to stay just that, dreams.

  You see now, I had to stay away, had to protect the one thing that meant the world to me. I know that I let you down and you can probably never find it within yourself to forgive this foolish old man but you deserve the full truth from me. You are different from those that you surround yourself with, you are far from a mere weak mortal and on your twenty-first birthday you will begin to transition gaining your birthright. Your mother did not know the full truth of who I am, I thought it would be for the best so as to leave her mind intact, humans cannot handle the truth of our kind as they only see what history and religious cults wish them to see. As much as I loathed the idea of you growing up not knowing who you truly are I honestly thought at that time that I was doing the best thing to keep you safe. I had my people watching over you everyday and stepping in when it was safe to do so but they could never get involved when it was with your mother. She was cold and calculated, leaving me no choice but to keep my distance no matter how much I longed for the opposite.

  I don't blame her for that but you need to know the truth, if you are to ever get through these changes. My real name is Asmodeus and I am the Prince of Lust, one of the strongest demons in existence. They call me and my brothers Archdemons and we rule over the domain of hell.

  I know this may be hard for you and I am sorry I won't be there to explain more. Just know that all of the information about our bloodline and other demons are in the books surrounding you in my study. I wish that there was more that I could have done to prepare you. I understand that you may not believe me, but you are a half demon. I just want you to know that does n
ot make you an evil creature, you are still yourself.

  I have friends who help to run the business that I left you and they are demons as well. Not as strong as I, though they are the strongest warriors I know and I trust them with my entire being. They are my Knights, my right hand men.

  There are certain things that will start to happen to your body and senses. They will protect you while you are most vulnerable during these changes, guiding you on the road to controlling your powers. Again, I am so sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I always watched from a distance and did what I could to help you without your mother becoming suspicious of my interference. I am sorry it was not enough to protect you.

  I want you to know that I am proud of you and that I love you more than I can ever write in words.

  Your Father,

  Asmodeus

  I finish writing the letter, putting my pen down before placing it in an envelope and scrawling her name across its front, sealing it with a wax stamp of our family crest. I carefully place it in my top drawer before locking it and hiding the key in the back of my most recent picture of my beautiful daughter. I get myself comfortable, as I finish my drink while I await my fate. Suddenly the window explodes as a body comes crashing through it. The figure rolls to a stop on their knees, with a black hood obscuring their features from me. I can't even make out if my foe is male or female, as I ponder over who it could be. They lunge to their feet, dashing towards me before I have time to react. All I manage to see is a smirk as they plunge a blade straight through my heart. Looking down I know exactly what I will find. There protruding from my chest is a blade carved from the bone of a fae, one of the only things to have been created which can kill a member of the royal bloodline. My killer perches on the edge of my desk, refilling my glass and getting comfortable to watch as my body slowly begins to turn to ash and embers.

  The stranger simply grins as I start to disintegrate yet what they say is truly the killing blow. “She's the brotherhood's now.” Before I completely fade from this world, I try to call to her through our blood link. Hoping she will hear my warning. “Lill-ith h-hear my p-plea, be s-strong” The stranger stalks towards me and leans down with an evil grin. The last thing I hear while I draw my last breaths is their maniacal laughter and I know that there is nothing more I can do to protect her.

  Lilith

  Today starts like any other day so how the fuck could it all go so wrong? I didn’t have the best of lives with a mother who abused drugs and alcohol. She would go from man to man enjoying working together with them to make my life a living hell. Yet I finally thought my life was getting on track when I moved in with my now fiancé when I had just turned eighteen. God was that a relief, I could never understand why she treated me so badly. When I was younger I would watch all the other kids in my class as they would run into their parents arms, while I had to walk home alone because mine was too busy searching for her next fix.

  When I finally left college I got a job as a secretary in a small law firm, it didn't make much money but I made enough to get by. Yeah, my boss was a bit too friendly sometimes, if you catch my drift, but what can you expect from a crooked attorney. I know that being a secretary for a lawyer was social suicide. Believe me, I don't need to be reminded, although you do get used to the way people look down their noses at you.

  Today has ripped it all away from me anyway and now I'm back at square one. With no idea what I'm supposed to do now, I guess you want to know what happened to my oh so average life. Well, it all started this morning.

  7:30 am

  I can't believe I'm going to be late again. I’ve always been a bit difficult in the mornings, my best friend could attest to that. So my Fiancé, Justin, usually wakes me up before leaving for work but as usual, he must have left in the early hours of the morning. Some nights I can hear him shuffling around desperate to get away from me but I really thought today would be different. I can't believe he forgot it's my twenty-first birthday. I really hoped we could just do something for us for a change, you know. That maybe he would actually celebrate with me but I guess he's been busy lately and it slipped his mind.

  We've been together for five years but lately we've grown distant. I don't really know what I've done to put him off me but I know it has to be my fault. You see, the thing is. I know I'm not good enough for him. I'm probably not good enough for anyone. From my long wavy black hair that is naturally white at the tips, I know that seems strange but I've gotten used to it. to my very fair complexion which makes me seem like I'm sick or a ghost 24/7. Then there’s all of my curves, I'm not exactly fat but I can definitely pinch more than an inch.

  The only thing that is remotely unique about me is my eyes. They're a light warm brown with forest green speckled throughout them, rimmed with black. My best friend sometimes tells me that they seem to be glowing. Though I guess you can't expect much after so much vodka.

  So I can see why he's probably losing interest, who would really want to put up with all my shit anyway. Living with someone with mental health issues isn't exactly easy and I wish that I could be different. There’s nothing worse than having so many conflicting emotions running rampant in your head. I don't know what to do with myself most of the time, and I struggle to stay clean from self-harm. It's so difficult when you can't find anything else that seems to help the same way hurting yourself does.

  I sigh as I put my shoes on, getting ready to leave our apartment. I head out, locking the door behind me, even in my rush to get to work I would never forget that. I’ve seen some horrible shit happen to people over something so simple and I really don’t want to come home to a break-in. Being the idiot that I am, I've gone and put on the most uncomfortable shoes I own. I would usually wear something smart yet comfortable to make being on my feet all day a little easier but they weren’t at the door where I usually leave them and I really don’t have the time to hunt around for them.

  I start my walk like every other day, stopping by my neighborhood’s friendly homeless man, Jack. I always make sure to fix him a flask of coffee and bring some food out in the morning. It breaks my heart seeing someone in such a bad situation. In the winter I even try to offer him the sofa in our apartment, but he always declines no matter how much I insist. I don’t really blame him with the way Justin usually growls at him but I hate walking past people in need. Especially because I've been in their shoes and I know how truly horrible it can be.

  I walk the first two blocks and stop at my favorite breakfast spot, ordering my usual bagel and a mocha. When my order is ready I sit down, glancing at the time on my phone, I already know I'm going to be late. So what's another five minutes really?

  I love sitting here watching all the people who walk past, I’m always trying to guess what their lives could be like. Take that really happy old couple walking down the street holding hands who can't seem to keep their eyes off each other. I think of all the experiences they've had and what they must have seen, how happy their life must be to still be so happy together. The love shining in their eyes is truly something to behold.

  I wish I could grow old like that with someone who will gaze at me like I'm the only person on earth. I sigh as I grab my rubbish, throwing it in the trash and gathering my things. I rush from the shop and speed up, desperate to get to work and warm myself up, I can't handle this fucking cold weather.

  I'm a block away when the sky decides to split open, pouring down with rain. Great, just great. I'm going to look like a chubby drowned rat by the time I get to work. It’s just my luck that the one day I don’t check the fucking weather, it decides to piss down.

  Fuck, I hate it when I'm right. I walk into work soaked by the rain and go to my desk, quickly turning the computer on. I start by scrolling through my boss's schedule for the day, I arrange all the files he'll need for his meetings. This part of my schedule always takes up the first couple hours of the day.

  My boss isn't very high up in the company and has to deal with most of the small cases. It
keeps me busy, which I’m thankful for, I need the distraction from the dark thoughts always running through my mind.

  I'm making my boss a cup of coffee when I hear him calling my name. I hurry into his office, placing his coffee on the desk in front of him while trying to avoid the barrage of documents littering the surface. “You called on me, sir?” He peers up at me through his wide rimmed glasses, scrunching his nose at my appearance and I can’t hold back my nervous fidgeting as he peers down his nose at me.

  “Lilith, take a seat. I have something that I need to discuss with you.” Shit, this doesn’t sound good. I plop down in the seat in front of his desk clutching my hands together in my lap. Trying to hide how nervous I am as they begin to shake. I only started this job six months ago and I've been one of the best receptionists in the office. So I know that he can’t have anything bad to say about my performance, I put my heart and soul into everything I do for this shitty job.

  “I'm afraid I don't have good news Lilith. The company is downsizing after losing out on some very important clients.” With a weary sigh he looks at me in pity. I fucking hate that look in people’s eyes. it’s almost as if they only see you as a weak little girl who can’t handle bad news. Little does he know that bad news is my middle fucking name. The only good things to ever happen to me are my best friend and my fiance.

  “I'm sorry to say we have to let you go, we just can't afford to keep you on anymore. With you being one of the last employees in the door, you're one of the first to leave. If it was down to me, I would prefer to keep you on with how much you lighten my workload, but alas, it definitely isn’t down to me. We will be putting this month's wages into your account today, and we would like you to leave your security pass at the lobby. Please clear your desk right away.” As he turns away rather awkwardly, I feel the tears begin to track down my face. This job really isn’t worth it but I would rather be here than in my empty apartment left to my own devices.