Searching For Who I Am: Book 1 (The Searching Trilogy)

by Paige Orr

  Nodding my head, he stands, pulling me to my feet and walking us back over to the chairs. He disappears coming back a few minutes later with a bottle of scotch and several glasses on a tray. Pouring us each a drink he hands me mine and I knock it back, holding my glass out for a refill.

  “I don’t know how I can make this up to her, she must hate me so fucking much right now, and me sitting here like a spare prick isn’t going to change anything. All I wanted was for her to be happy and in my typical style, I've done the complete opposite.”

  Sam turns to me, while taking a drink before answering. “You give her what she’s wanted all along, honesty. If you sit her down and explain why you were such a fucking idiot, that'll be the first step in building the trust between you two again.”

  I take his words and deliberate over them, until a frantic Gemma comes running out the back door, screaming at us.”Please fucking tell me any of you know where she is! I can’t find her! I looked all over the house and out front but she ain’t here! Where the fuck could she be!? How do we fucking find her!?”

  I feel everything fading around me, as the only thought running through my head is, this is all my fault. What if her stalker got to her and is hurting her as we speak and I’m the only one to blame.

  Demetrius

  I can’t believe that fucking incubus! I mean really, how can you fuck up so badly? When I get my fucking hands on him, I’m going to fucking kill him. I pace around the warehouse, eyeing the man we have tied to a chair. We've made it through two-thirds of the remaining suspect list and we’re getting fucking nowhere.

  Gale’s phone rings and dread has my blood running cold. They shouldn’t be calling back again, they know how important this is, which can only mean something bad has happened. I watch as his face pales and his phone drops to the floor, rushing to his side and shaking his shoulders.

  “Gale man talk to me, is she alright? What the fuck happened?” As I look into his damp eyes, I hear a burst of maniacal laughter from behind me, causing my blood to turn into ice. I turn to the fool, who we've been trying to get answers from for hours, finding a sick gleam in his eyes.

  “You're too late! You've fucking wasted your time with me, now he has her and there's nothing you can do to save her! You’re all fucking fools, He’s going to have lots of fun with her!” He resumes his laughter, causing me to lunge for him, punching him across the jaw. Hearing his neck snap, I turn walking back to Gale, with a satisfied grin.

  “He’s right D, whoever this fucker is, he has our girl. She left the house after she found out about Lucien. Gemma went to look for her, but she wasn’t anywhere in the house, so she checked outside and still nothing. When she told the guys they went out to look and to get security to do their fucking job. They found her sandal and Tae could smell her blood, just down the street from the gate, they’re looking for anyone who might have seen something but haven’t had any luck yet. She's gone D, we were too fucking late! What the fuck are we supposed to do now? You saw how scared she was and I know finding out about Lucien, would have been a kick in the balls, but why would she leave the safety of the house?”

  Stalking towards our unconscious suspect, I can feel my demon side pushing to the front, and I know I've changed to my demon form. This bastard is lucky he’s unconciuous and we fucking need him alive, even if that sick side of me doesn’t really give a fuck. “This little prick knows something, so he's coming with us. Bring my car around. I'm going to have fun with this arsehole when he wakes the fuck up and I can assure you, he won’t be fucking laughing then!”

  Gale leaves and a groan comes from my soon-to-be victim. Feeling a sadistic grin covering my face I grab his hair tightly, pulling his head back. With a frightened yelp his eyes open. “We're going to get real acquainted with each other. Lucky for me vampires are hard to kill, which makes this so much better. Means I can get real creative and you'll just heal over and over. That is, until I finally rip your cold dead heart from your chest!”

  He begins to scream as I grab his arms, breaking them at the elbows, I continue to do the same to his knee caps. I'll do everything I can to stop him from escaping. Finally, I break his neck again, almost tearing his head from his body. That should keep him out for a while, giving us long enough to get him back to the house without issue. Gale pops his head through the door, surveying the damage I’ve done and it’s fair to say, he doesn’t look surprised with my outburst in fact he looks pleased.

  “Hey dude, cars ready let’s get this fucker back to the house. I called Tae, he's getting the cellar ready for our new… friend.” Nodding I snap the spelled ropes still holding the vamp to the chair, hoisting him over my shoulder I make my way to the car throwing him into the cage I had installed in the cargo area, just for this reason.

  With us all in the car I put my foot down, pulling out of our warehouse that we use for situations like these, so no one gets suspicious hearing our captives screams. Driving like a maniac, we make it back to the house in record time. I sure as hell wasn’t giving that fucking vamp enough time to heal before he's bound again.

  Gale and I carry him down to the cellar together, finding Lucien, Sam and Tae waiting for us. Dropping our captive in a heap, I’m on Lucien before anyone can stop me. With my hand around his throat, I lift him till his feet are dangling above the ground, watching as his face turns red with him unable to breath.

  “See what you have caused, you fucking foolish prick! I swear if we don’t get her back, I'll kill you myself!” With that I drop him unceremoniously to the floor and watch as he chokes in a deep breath, nodding his understanding to me. Leaving him to his misery, I join the others in securing our prisoner in strong enchantment and thicker spelled ropes than before. Once we're done Tae turns to me, with his ‘take no bullshit’ face on.

  “Go take a walk and cool down, you're too hot right now to do what needs to be done. We can’t afford to kill him until he gives us the answers we need. That isn’t a request D, it’s an order. We need you in control. When you come back, we can get started.”

  Heaving out a sigh, I know that he’s right. Nodding my head in agreement, I turn on my heel heading back upstairs. I head out back for some fresh air and find Gemma, curled up on one of the chairs with red-rimmed eyes. Sitting down across from her I lean my elbows on my knees, taking a moment to study her emotional state, before talking to her.

  “I don’t know if the others have told you, and you look like you could do with some news on the situation. We found a lead, we have someone connected to whoever took Lilith. We are just waiting for him to wake up, then I'll get the answers we need from him, even if it’s the last thing I do. We will get her back I promise.”

  She finally looks me in the eye. “I want in on whatever you have planned. That’s my best friend that motherfucker took and I want to make him pay. Even if I am just a human, I’ll do anything for that girl and I swear if he even hurts one hair on her head I'll end him myself.”

  The girl has guts I’ll give her that, most humans would balk at the idea of getting their hands dirty. After a moment of thought, I finally agree, we could use all the help we can get right now. Anything to bring our girl back to us. Human or not Gemma could be useful for our investigation, things are finally looking up.

  Lilith

  I startle awake in a cold, dark room with the sound of something dripping beside me. What the fuck happened to me? Where are the guys? I’m sure I was with them, how did I end up wherever the fuck this is? I feel the anger beginning to rise up inside of me, as everything comes rushing back. Oh fuck, Lucien is my mate and he lied to me; all I can remember is running after that revelation. Why can't I remember anything after I left the house? It’s not like I was drinking.

  Then suddenly an image flashes behind my eyes of long legs as I collapse to the ground and a sharp pain in my neck. Oh my god, that creepy fucker got me! I really don’t need this shit right now, why the fuck did I have to be so stupid and leave the house? Surely one of the guards saw
something and told the guys though, right? That is their job after all, they would have seen me leave the house, one of them had to have followed, right? What am I saying, Of course they must know, I’m pretty sure D would have given them a kick up the arse after the last situation. They’re going to come save me, I just know it.

  Trying to move, I realize that I'm tied to what I think is a bed. Oh god, this fucking maniac is going to hurt me, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. What use is it being a supposedly super strong demon, if I can’t even attempt to escape? I swear when I get my hands on that bastard, he's a fucking dead man! Who does he think he is, fucking drugging me or whatever the fuck he did!

  I’m going to fucking fight, to be able to tell the guys I love them, to hug Gemma and see her find her happiness and to fucking live my life, this bastard doesn’t get to take that away from me. As I lay there I get lost in the thought of a future I'll no longer have if I just give up and don't fight for it. It’s all my fault, I knew I was in danger, yet I still left the safety of the house. I'll never get the chance to tell Lucien that I forgive him and to talk everything through, all because I decided to act like a stroppy teenager. No! I can't give up, I have too much to fucking fight for. With these thoughts, I struggle with all of my might, trying everything I can to break my restraints. I've got to get out of here, if this arsehole gets his hands on me, I've got no hope.

  I feel the tears burning my eyes, as they begin to stream down my face. I don’t want to die yet. I've got so much to live for, I’ve only just found my happiness and one crazy fucking person is about to take it all away from me. I expect him to walk through the door any minute now, but slowly the minutes start to blend together. I know that he must be toying with his prey, but that doesn't stop the nervous energy building inside of me. I can’t stop the thoughts whirling around in my brain, of all the terrible things he might have planned for me.

  After what seems to be hours, I hear footsteps in the hallway, getting closer and closer to the room I’m being kept in. Feeling my heartbeat speed up, I try to struggle in my bindings again, but no matter what I do I can’t seem to break free. I hear the lock in the door turning, causing my body to freeze, maybe I should pretend to still be unconscious. Maybe he'll leave me alone and it'll give me time to think. You would think with all the bullshit I’ve been through, that I would be able to handle these types of situations, but inside I’m still that terrified little girl who wishes her mum would stop hurting her. I may act brave these days, but sometimes I can’t stop going back to the past.

  Before I have the chance to come to a decision, the door opens, blinding me with the light flowing through it. Squinting my eyes, I try to make out the figure in the doorway, and just as I thought it’s the same man from the restaurant. The smug look he gives me has my stomach tying in knots, with the way he looked at me last time I saw him, I know this isn’t going to be pretty.

  “W-What do you want from me? Please just let me go, I don’t even know who you are, why would you want to hurt me?” Yeah, cause that shit always works in the movies Lilith. He’s bound to take pity on you and let you go. Shit, it’s going to be all rainbows and sunshine with that one fucking sentence. I can’t believe that’s what my brain came up with to say to the person who’s had me living in fear for the last week. Not ‘Hey dickhead, you do realize you’re a fucking coward right? I guess you’re too much of a fucking dickless twat to be a decent person instead of fucking kidnapping people’. Nope, I go for damsel in distress. Way to be a fucking cliche, Lilith.

  As he steps forward, I finally get a full look at him, and ice freezes my veins. In his hands, he has a very fucking sharp knife, (looks like I’m not the only one living the cliche). He had to be all stabby stabby, I couldn’t get a kidnapper that doesn’t want to stab the fuck out of me. I know that my body is shaking, but I feel completely out of it. Like an outsider looking in. This can’t be happening to me, it’s fucking crazy.

  Reality sinks in though, as he steps forward giving me a frightening grin. “Hello my pet, it’s so nice of you to finally wake up. I’ve waited a long time for you, the least you can do is be awake for me. You owe me that much! You could never truly understand the things I’ve done to finally have you in my grasp, but I can assure you they weren’t pretty.”

  Finally standing over me, he begins scraping the knife along the insides of my arms and I know the slightest bit more pressure would draw my blood to the surface. I close my eyes, like you do when you're a scared little girl, that's afraid of the monsters that go bump in the night. Telling yourself that ‘If I can’t see the monster then he can’t see me’ as you hide underneath your covers. Except, now I know that the monsters are real and there's no escaping them. I bite back a scream, as I feel a burning pain in my arm followed by hot liquid running down it and dripping on the floor, I refuse to call it what it really is. Acknowledging it, would probably make me freak out even more.

  I won’t give him any more of my fear, people like him get a sick sort of satisfaction from others pain, but even as I try to strengthen my resolve the feeling of his cold tongue on my wound makes me gag. It's the last thing I feel as I slowly disconnect my mind from the present. This is the only thing that used to get me through the torment that my mother would put me through. Being in my head is no better though, as the flashbacks of my childhood begin.

  I’m standing in our messy little kitchen, searching through the empty cupboards, hoping to find something to fill my empty tummy. I should be at school but mummy wouldn’t let me go, she said it’s because my teachers were asking me too many questions about the bruises on my arms. I didn’t know that telling them the truth would be the wrong thing to do, but now I've made it all so much worse. Mummy was so mad at me because her boyfriend left when I got him into trouble by a nice policeman and I’m too scared to tell her that I’m happy he's gone. It means he can’t hurt me anymore.

  He was such a nasty man; when I would try to ask them to help me with my homework he would punish me by making me drink the smelly stuff mummy makes me clean the house with, making sure I drank every drop, no matter how much it hurt my throat. After he made me drink it, he would tell me to get onto my hands and knees in front of his chair and he would rest his feet on me, while he watched his shows. One time I was even sick because of the nasty stuff I drank and he smooshed my face into it telling me to clean it up, I had to try my best not to be sick all over again. I was warned if I ever made a mess like that again, he would make me eat it, what did I do to make him hurt me like that? I'm really glad he's gone.

  I cower when mummy comes staggering into the kitchen, trying to make myself as small as possible in the hopes that she won’t see me, I hide behind the table. She always finds me though, and I can never escape. She grabs me by the hair throwing me to the ground, lifting her foot, she kicks me over and over again in the ribs and no matter how much I beg her to stop she just laughs at my pain.

  Why do you always hurt me mummy? I just want you to love me. The other girls don’t have mummies who hit them, so why do you hate me so much? Did I do something that made you angry mummy? Please make it stop! Make it stop!

  I’m brought out of my nightmare with a bloodcurdling scream, looking down in a daze, I find the knife buried in the centre of my chest. Looking at all of the blood covering my body in detachment, I see that my dress has been sawed apart, from chest to belly button. There are also patches of skin missing from different parts of my body and I can see that he has used my blood as if it were paint. There's something disturbing about the strange designs that are drawn on my body, something really fucking morbid.

  I look around, finding the man screaming at me, but all I can hear is buzzing in my ears. This isn’t real, how could it be? I must be having another nightmare, right? Really though, this is just a waking nightmare, that there's no chance of waking up from, no matter how hard I pinch myself.

  He looms over me with his arms raised in the air. Through the numbness, I finally rea
lize what is about to happen and all sound washes over me. In what seems like slow motion, I watch as his arm approaches my head. As the blow connects, I feel relief washing over me, hopefully he has done enough to end me. My vision tunnels, then all I see is black.

  Lilith

  When I come around again, I find myself alone in the room and I feel a sense of overwhelming relief. Looking around I find a ray of sunshine streaming through a small square window that is high up on the wall opposite me. I would give just about anything to be out there right now and feel the sun shining on my face. As I get lost in daydreams of being safe, I hear the lock turning and brace myself.

  My captor walks and he begins to whistle a happy little tune, leaving me confused. How can he be so calm while doing all of this shit? As if he doesn’t have someone here, tied to a fucking bed against their will. Of course, I'm not going to waste my time asking a question I know I'll never get an answer to.

  He stands against the far wall, with his head tilted just staring at me with a wicked gleam in his eyes. After a while I become frustrated at the stupid melody passing his lips, who would have guessed the arsehole was into show tunes, I sure as hell wouldn’t have. What is the point in this bullshit? Does he just plan to annoy me to death, because fuck me is it working.

  Finally, he walks to my side, digging into his back pocket and I brace myself, expecting something else he can inflict pain on me with. So you can imagine my surprise when all he brings out is a blindfold. Surprise turns to horror as he begins to tie it around my head and the panic begins to take over once again.

  The thoughts running through my head right now are there own form of torture, as I imagine all the depraved things he plans to do to me when I won’t even know what’s coming next. Then again, I'm left confused as I hear his footsteps retreating, I’m like a fish dangling on his hook waiting for whatever he has planned. He hasn’t left the room, that I know because I haven’t heard the door being opened, so what the fuck could he be doing.