Deputy Daddy

by Patricia Johns

  “Are you driving?” she asked, and he thought he heard some relief in her voice. He didn’t know how long she’d spent trying to soothe the baby, but it had taken a toll on her.

  “Yeah, I’ll drive,” he said. He wouldn’t be able to rest in the empty house anyway. He had too much roiling around in his head.

  Within five minutes they were cruising down the gravel road toward the highway, the rumble of his truck’s engine partially drowning out Piglet’s cries, but she was losing steam, and that was something. The dirt road crunched beneath his tires at a satisfying rate, and he listened to the pummel of tiny rocks smacking the side of his truck. The evergreen trees rose dark and protective along the side of the road, and the rising moon cast a silvery glow over the scene.

  “I think it’s working,” Lily said, looking back into the car seat. She reached back to arrange something, and the sound of pacifier sucking suddenly filled the vehicle.

  “Nice,” Bryce said with a half smile.

  Lily heaved a sigh and leaned her head back. “Wow. She just wouldn’t calm down. Thanks for driving.”

  “Not a problem.” Frankly, it felt good to solve something, and they fell into silence, listening to the sound of Piglet’s pacifier getting slower and slower. She was falling asleep.

  “You must have been busy today...” Lily glanced toward him, then away. She was commenting on him staying away this long. It shouldn’t matter what he did with his time, but somehow they’d fallen into a kind of dependence on each other.

  “Yeah.” He wasn’t sure how to explain that one to her. “I thought it would be better.”

  “Better?” She frowned. “Why?”

  He smiled wryly, but didn’t answer. No good could come from admitting to what he’d been feeling lately. He slowed and made the turn onto the highway.

  “I checked in with the chief about finding the ID Aaron used to get a Colorado driver’s license, and we’re still waiting,” Bryce said after a moment.

  “Is there any way to hurry it up?” Lily asked. “The wedding is tomorrow night. Or are we too late already?”

  He understood her urgency. This rushed wedding wasn’t wise on Clarisse’s part, and he knew that Lily only wanted to protect her emotionally vulnerable aunt. So did he, for that matter. If Aaron Bay turned out to be a con man, he’d personally make sure the charges stuck.

  “I’ll see what I can do,” he replied. “Look, Lily, even if it takes longer—”

  “She’ll be on her honeymoon—in Europe.” Lily’s earnest gaze met his. “Off American soil, Bryce. That worries me. If Aaron has anything to hide, we need to find it soon!”

  “I’m on it.” He meant that. They drove on in silence for a little while, both of them in their own thoughts.

  Lily nodded, then slipped off her flip-flops and pulled her feet up underneath her. She was petite, and she fit into the seat very comfortably that way. The scent of her soft perfume wafted over to him.

  “You’re leaving tomorrow, aren’t you?” she asked.

  “I have one more shift at the station, and then I’m free to go,” he clarified.

  “Will you come to the wedding?” she asked.

  He smiled sadly. “Do you really want me to?”

  “Of course.” She shot him a smile. “You could be my plus one.”

  Was it a good idea? Truthfully, he didn’t want to leave, and it was an excuse to stay one day longer. But dragging this out wouldn’t make it any easier, either.

  “I’ll see what I can do.” He didn’t want to promise anything—not while he was trying to hold himself in check. One more shift, and he was done with Comfort Creek; he could go back to Fort Collins and put this whole disciplinary action behind him. One more shift...

  “The next left is Wichita Lake,” Lily said. “It’s pretty out there.”

  Bryce signaled a turn. “The longer we drive, the longer she sleeps.”

  It was strangely comforting to be driving with Lily. Wichita Lake. Why not?

  “You know, maybe I could come back out this way for a weekend or something,” Bryce said. “Comfort Creek is growing on me.”

  “Is it?” Lily shot him a smile. “We do have the lake... I should have pointed it out earlier.”

  “That’s okay. I was supposed to be suffering anyway,” he joked.

  Lily laughed softly. “Was it really so miserable?”

  He’d been in a comfortable room with fresh flowers that kept appearing every day, a chocolate on his pillow and sheets that smelled like they were line-dried. It wasn’t exactly Alcatraz. But besides the homey comforts of the bed-and-breakfast, he’d had her...and she’d been this oddly talkative, humorous, insightful woman who kept drawing him back, even managing to get him to hold a baby because she never seemed to fully grasp that he wasn’t good with kids. That smile of hers just seemed to empty his head of every great excuse he had...

  The trees suddenly parted, and a dirt parking lot opened up before them with a couple of public buildings to the side. The lake was straight ahead—a rocky beach, then the glitter of moonlight on water. Bryce parked, but he kept the motor running.

  “Miserable?” he said, casting her a gentle smile. “Nah, I’m surviving.”

  And in some ways, that was what he was just barely doing.

  * * *

  Lily turned her gaze toward the lake, her heart full of emotions she’d been trying to hold down the last week. She shouldn’t be getting used to this, yet somehow she’d been relying on Bryce in ways she had no right to. He wasn’t hers... He didn’t belong here. He was a paying guest, and she’d somehow crossed that line.

  “Do you still long for a bit of freedom?” Bryce asked quietly.

  “Always.” She laughed softly. “It’s just a fantasy. I think we all know where reality ends and fantasy begins.”

  “When I saw Randy the other day, he mentioned that all your friends moved away.”

  “They did.” She could still remember how empty and lonely that fall was when her high school friends were gone and she’d been left in Comfort Creek without them. That summer, she’d had to face that her adult life had officially begun. She’d always had responsibilities, but now she had them without a small but loyal group of friends she saw on a daily basis. It was harder somehow, more real.

  “You could leave here,” Bryce said, and she caught a tremor of hope in his voice.

  “Where would I go?” she asked.

  “Ever been to Fort Collins?” A small smile tugged at his lips. “It’s a nice place.”

  Lily sighed. That wasn’t a possibility. The responsibilities that tied her down at the end of high school hadn’t gone anywhere.

  “I have a life here, Bryce,” she said. “I can’t just move to a new city on my own—”

  “You’d have me.” He reached out and took her hand in his, his calloused fingers moving over her skin in slow circles. “It might be nice to have a life that’s yours for a change.”

  She’d have him. That was more tempting than maybe he even realized, but her wishes didn’t change facts.

  “I just started a business. I can’t simply walk away—” Anger was rising up inside her—an effective cap for that welling sadness. “I’ve put everything into this—worked so hard. You have no idea!”

  “Are you mad at me?” he asked hesitantly.

  Lily struggled to keep her voice down, not wanting to wake Emily in the backseat. She unbuckled her seat belt and wordlessly got out of the truck. Bryce got out, too, and Lily paced toward the rocky beach, then turned back.

  “It’s probably my fault, Bryce,” she said. “I get that. I haven’t been professional at all, and I’m sure I gave you mixed messages, and—”

  “You said you wanted some freedom,” Bryce said. “And the thing is, I can’t stop thinking about yo
u.”

  The emotion in his words flooded out her anger, leaving her trembling with uncertain feelings.

  “Why?” she demanded. “I’m not your problem. Neither are my brothers.”

  “My problem?” He shook his head, his eyes flashing in rising anger of his own. “You aren’t my problem, and I’m not trying to fix you. You don’t need me for that. You’re...amazing. You’re sweet and funny, and for crying out loud, do you have any idea how gorgeous you are? I don’t want to feel like this—you complicate everything, Lily! I had it all under control. You might not realize it to look at me, but I did! I knew what I needed, I knew what I wanted, and I knew exactly what path I was going to take to get there, and then you came along.”

  “Sorry about that.” She smiled sadly. “I’m terrible at professional boundaries.”

  “Yeah, you really are.” He stepped closer, blue eyes boring down into hers. He touched her cheek with the back of a finger, and his lips were so close to hers that she could feel his breath. “I’m not much better at the moment. I don’t know if I could be enough—”

  Lily blinked, then swallowed hard. Had she heard him properly?

  “You...”

  Bryce dipped his head down and caught her lips in a kiss. It was tender, sweet and filled with longing. She twined her arms around his neck, and he slipped his around her waist, tugging her closer. All of those feelings she’d been trying to hold back came with the force of a flood, and she wished so deeply that she could give in to this. When he finally pulled back, she felt breathless.

  “Do you feel it?” he asked, misery written all over his face.

  She nodded. “Yeah...” she whispered.

  “If we wanted to, we could find a way to make this work,” he pressed.

  She’d asked God for a chance to be Emily’s mother, and she’d promised Him that she’d always put Emily first. If she chose Bryce, she’d be turning her back on that little girl. Bryce had been very clear about where he stood about being a dad, and he’d already backed out of one wedding because a woman thought she could change him.

  “I can’t.” Lily pushed herself away from him and walked off a few steps, her heart hammering. Bryce didn’t say anything, and when she turned back toward him, the big cop was staring at her with unnamable emotions battling over his face.

  “Why?”

  “We want different things out of life, Bryce.”

  “Because you want kids.” His voice was tight with restrained emotion. “And I can’t offer that. I can just offer...me.”

  He was offering all that he could—his very heart. He was putting it there for her to consider, and she wished that he wouldn’t, because it only made this harder. If things were different, she might have been tempted to reevaluate what she wanted in her future. But it wasn’t about some future children she might want to have. It wasn’t about one day starting a family. It was about a baby girl who was already here, whom Lily already loved.

  “Because I want to keep Emily.”

  Bryce froze, then nodded slowly. “I thought you were temporary foster care...”

  “I was. I am. I’m looking into it. I don’t want to give her up, Bryce. I know I have all sorts of responsibilities here. I have my brothers, my mom, my aunt... I have my business. My life is here. But it’s not only that—it’s Emily. I can’t just give up, not without at least trying—”

  “Yeah.” He nodded quickly. “I get it.”

  They stood in miserable silence, the waves lapping gently at the rocky shore. Lily looked over the water at a flock of ducks floating peacefully in the moonlight. She’d told God that she was willing to put Emily first for the rest of her life, and she was recognizing now what a big promise she’d made. Tears welled up in her eyes. She didn’t want Bryce to go, and she didn’t want to give up Emily. Right now, her only comfort was in her heavenly father who was the only one who truly understood how deeply her heart ached.

  “You could stay...” she said quietly.

  “I’m not cut out for fatherhood,” he said woodenly. “I know that.”

  And she knew it, too, from his little book of confessions. This was Bryce—and he knew what he could offer. Fatherhood wasn’t on the table.

  “I wish you could—” She couldn’t finish that thought aloud. “You’ve been honest with me from the start...but I can’t give her up.”

  “And you shouldn’t.” He nodded quickly.

  “I’m going to miss you, Bryce.” Her voice was choked with tears.

  “Me, too.” He raked a hand through his dark hair. “If you ever need anything, though...”

  She shook her head. “No. I’ve got to do this on my own.”

  And she meant it. It had been her mistake to start relying on him to begin with. If she’d stayed a little more determined to do this on her own, she might not have fallen for the dark, rugged officer to begin with. She didn’t need support, or rescuing, or to be set free from her responsibilities. She needed—

  Tears squeezed between her lids, and she dashed them off her cheeks with the back of her hand. She needed time. Because nothing else was going to heal her heart.

  Chapter Fourteen

  That night, Bryce didn’t sleep easily. He lay awake a long time, and when he finally drifted off, he was plagued by disjointed dreams. He woke up and turned on the lamp. He’d read his Bible—it was a better option than tossing and turning for the next few hours.

  Early that morning, he got a text from his buddy in the FBI. If Bryce could make it to the records department in Fort Collins, his friend could get him inside. It was after hours, a Saturday, and his friend was going to be there for another case, but if Bryce wanted to tag along, maybe he could get that info he’d been waiting on...

  It was tempting, but if Bryce wanted to get a signature for his sensitivity training here in Comfort Creek, then he needed to complete one more shift of patrol. If there was nothing to find, and Aaron Bay was just a guy with a weird paper trail, then he’d have wasted this time here in Comfort Creek, and would get another mark against him on his record for disobeying orders. This was his career he was playing with—his future.

  When Bryce came downstairs, Lily had a delicious breakfast spread on the table—fluffy pancakes, crisp bacon and a bowl of fresh strawberries to go on top. He hadn’t been sure he’d even see her this morning after everything they’d said last night. He’d been half-afraid that she’d be embarrassed and not want to face him again, but when he went to the kitchen in his uniform, she was cutting fruit with her back to him, an apron tied around her slim waist.

  “Morning,” he said quietly.

  She turned and attempted to smile. “Good morning. I have breakfast ready.” Her eyes were red as if she’d been crying, and he paused—

  Were those tears because of him? He could have stayed strong, done his time and walked away from this town, but he knew even now that he wouldn’t have been able to do that. He had to tell her what he felt, or it would have eaten him alive. But if he’d caused her pain—

  “Look, Lily—” he began. “Maybe I should have kept all that to myself last night...”

  “No,” she said with a shake of her head. “It’s okay. I’m glad you said something.”

  “You haven’t changed your mind, have you?” he asked hopefully.

  She was silent for moment, and when she spoke, her voice was tight with emotion. “I told God I wanted to raise Emily, and that if He would let me, that I’d always put her first. I hadn’t realized how much I’d have to give up.”

  The sadness in her eyes was so deep that he longed to wrap his arms around her and kiss her pain away, but he wouldn’t. He couldn’t. He wasn’t her answer, and he had to accept that.

  “I always suspected that in order to stand by my convictions—” he swallowed “—in order to do the right thing and
stay away from fatherhood, that I’d be giving up more than I ever knew, too.”

  “So I’m not alone in that,” she said with a sad smile.

  “Not at all, beautiful. Not at all.”

  Lily wiped her hands on a towel and crossed the kitchen. She didn’t stop—she came right into his arms and leaned the side of her face against his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist. He closed his arms around her and pressed his lips to the top of her silky golden hair. She smelled of fragrant shampoo and pancakes, and she felt so good in his arms that a lump rose in his throat.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  “Me, too.” She pulled away and brushed a tear from her cheek. “I just needed to do that.” She forced a smile to her face and nodded toward the table. “Breakfast is served.”

  As if he could swallow a bite.

  “The wedding is today?” he said. “Clarisse is still set?”

  She nodded. “Unless you can find something before sunset. That’s when the wedding is happening on the church lawn. A sunset wedding...so romantic—or it would be, if I weren’t scared to death that she’s going to be taken advantage of.”

  “I have a day,” he said. “I can’t promise anything, but I’ll do my best.”

  It was Saturday, though, and very little could be done with emails or phone calls. He’d spent a week doing all the footwork he could from here, and not getting much back.

  “Will you?” she asked uncertainly. “Still?”

  Did she think he was so fickle that he’d walk out on her when she needed him most, just because it couldn’t work between them? He wasn’t that kind of man—but this wasn’t virtue, this was the only way to keep his aching heart from breaking in his chest. He had to do something. With all the worries she shouldered, if he could help her with one of them, he would. Maybe this could be his parting gift.

  “Hey—” His voice dropped low and deep, and he caught her eye and held it. “Whether we can be together or not, whether you want me or not, it doesn’t change who I am. I said I’d look into Aaron Bay, and I’m finishing the job.”