The Burdens of a Bachelor (Arrangements, Book 5)

by Rebecca Connolly

  “So you see how this complicates matters,” Susannah moved on with a sigh. “It is not only me to think about, but my son.”

  Colin looked at her and realization dawned. “That is why you are so thin,” he murmured, his eyes widening. “You’ve been sacrificing yourself for Freddie.”

  Her eyes were moist as she looked back at him. “Can you blame me? I’ve had to make do with what I could, knowing debts had to be paid and my son fed, clothed, warm… I could manage well enough, but I could not see him want for much.”

  He found himself swallowing with difficulty. He reached out and brushed away a tear that rolled down her cheek. “I understand,” he said, allowing himself to give her a small smile, though his body seemed turned to ice at the prospect she was painting.

  And he did understand. Before, he never would have considered such a thought. It would have been a completely foreign concept. He probably would have laughed at it. But since the day the girls had come into his life, everything was changed.

  He was changed.

  “You do, don’t you?” she murmured in wonder.

  He could only nod.

  The relief in her smile was palpable. “Then you can see why I have to be more selective in my employment. I cannot bring Freddie with me, not if I am to pose as a single woman.”

  He would not have thought of that. Now his mind whirled with every conceivable disaster that could occur. A bewildering sense of panic welled up. “What if you had been hired on with someone who wanted you in-house?” he cried, releasing her and running his hands through his hair. “What would your son have done then?”

  “Don’t you think I worried about that?” she replied only slightly calmer than he was. “I was terrified of what he would have to endure. Of having to be parted from him. Of trusting his care to others long-term, as I have had to just to find interviews. But a widow with a son has very little respectable options, unless she is willing to make significant sacrifices. I will not give up my son, unless I have sunk so low he would do better without me.”

  Colin stared at her in horror. “Surely it is not so bad as that…” he managed slowly.

  She gave him a hollow, almost empty look that was destined to haunt him. “It is every bit as bad as that. I had even thought about becoming a mistress.”

  His stomach plummeted to his toes. “What?” The word was hardly a breath, his lips forming around it with difficulty.

  She would not look at him. “It would allow me to be well provided for, as most gentlemen would not care about the baggage with a mistress if it does not affect him. I could stay with Freddie and earn substantial funds in the meantime. And I have been married, after all…”

  Images flashed into his mind of nameless, faceless men putting their hands on her. Darkened rooms, secret liaisons, Susannah wrapped in finery while leering eyes made a meal of her. “No,” he growled darkly.

  Susannah looked at him then, brows raised. “Excuse me?”

  He shook his head very deliberately, his frame the slightest bit tremulous with his rage. “No. No, no, and hell no.”

  Susannah opened her mouth, but Colin shook his head again, grabbed her shoulders, and pulled her flush against him.

  “Don’t think that, don’t speak of it again, and don’t ever wonder about it. I would steal the Crown jewels and be hanged before I would let you do that to yourself. Or to Freddie.” He wanted to bury his face against her until he was calm once more. He wanted to pull her tighter, closer, until she was part of him, always safe and where he could see her.

  Undoubtedly confused, Susannah patted his back awkwardly. “I won’t, Colin. I promise.”

  “Thank you.” He sighed and felt some of the tension leave. He slowly let her move out of his arms, but was quick to loop her hand through his arm and begin to walk again.

  An idea formed in his mind, an insane, crazed, ridiculous idea that made absolutely no sense at all. And yet, it was the most brilliant idea he’d ever had.

  “All right,” he said in a matter-of-fact way, “send your son to live with us and he can run around with my sisters until we find you something suitable.”

  Susannah stumbled a step, but he caught her with ease. “What?” she nearly shrieked. “No, Colin, what would people say?”

  He shrugged one shoulder, but gave her an honest look. “I haven’t a clue, but they don’t know how many siblings I’ve inherited or what genders, so we could easily pass him off as another.”

  Susannah made them stop and took both of Colin’s arms. “You would… You are willing to claim Freddie as one of them?”

  He copied her hold and stroked her upper arms softly. “Who is going to ask? I would be more than happy to claim guardianship if it came down to it. And it would do the girls some good to have a boy around to keep them from getting silly.”

  She did not smile. “Colin… You don’t have to.”

  One side of his mouth curved and he stroked her arms once more, then turned her so they could walk again. “I know. But you are trying to do the best for your son. I can help you with that. Lord knows he will do better if his mother is in his life.”

  Chapter Ten

  Much later that evening, Colin walked slowly to the study he shared with his brother, whenever Kit opted to use it, which was a rarity, as Kit spent more time out of the family house than he did in it. But lately, they had crossed paths in there more often than they had in the last ten years, and he’d just had it confirmed that Kit was, in fact, at home. He was glad for that. There was much to tell him.

  He’d spent much of the day with Susannah, rekindling the friendship they had lost, laughing and smiling and reliving the best days of their youth. The gaunt and hollow look she had been wearing of late was finally beginning to dissipate, and it soothed his heart every time he brought a smile to her face. There were no words to describe what was happening to him, and he had been absolutely stunned by his admission to Susannah that the past no longer mattered.

  What had been even more shocking to him had been that he had meant it.

  Somewhere, somehow, that resentful and bitter corner of his heart that had flared to life sporadically over the last fifteen years was suddenly gone. He was not perfectly content with how things had played out, and he still had more questions than he could contemplate, but his anger was gone. His hatred was gone. All that remained was curiosity, concern, and an inexplicable budding excitement somewhere in the pit of his stomach.

  It was the most unfathomable transformation, one he had long thought impossible.

  He rubbed at his eyes and sighed as he hesitated outside of the study door. How in the world was he to explain any of this to his brother? He could not manage to explain it to himself.

  And if he was to be spending more time with Susannah, and bringing Tibby into the fray, then he would have to include his friends. There was no predicting what a melee of insanity that would bring forth.

  But what could he tell any of them? How could he give them any information when he had none?

  At what point did his long-hidden past need to be brought to light?

  “Colin, I can hear you breathing,” Kit called softly from within the room. “Don’t skulk, I have already had to deal with Rosie doing that.”

  Colin sighed and pushed the door open, a half smile on his face. “That sounds interesting,” he said as he came in, rubbing at his hair sheepishly. “What did she do?”

  Kit was surprisingly relaxed as he sat behind the desk, his coat off, cravat loosened, and waistcoat unbuttoned. He quirked a brow and a corner of his mouth curved up. “She managed to confuse four maids, two footmen, and Bartlet himself into thinking that there were several small creatures skittering about the house, that clothing had gone missing, and that Ginny was only speaking in French.”

  Colin could not help but to bark a laugh, and he covered his mouth quickly when Kit gave him an exasperated frown. “Why did she do that?”

  One imperious brow rose. “She is your sister.”
<
br />   That explained it.

  “You sure she isn’t yours?” Kit asked with a hint of a mischievous grin.

  Colin snorted. “Positive.”

  Still, it was rather uncanny just how like him she was turning out to be.

  “Bartlet was livid,” Kit continued, leaning back with a sigh. “I only just got him calm enough to stop talking about the south of France and some cousin with a farm…”

  “Bartlet on a farm?” Colin snickered and sank into a chair, covering his eyes. “Can’t you just see him in his evening wear behind a plow?”

  “No,” Kit laughed, shaking his head. Then he sighed. “I had to scold Rosie. I’m afraid I was a bit harsh with her, and she didn’t take it well.”

  “I can imagine not.” Colin dropped his hand and rolled his gaze to his brother.

  Kit was watching him. “Perhaps if someone else had been here to help…?”

  Colin sobered and sat up in his chair. “I know. I had only meant to be gone for an hour, perhaps two, but…” He trailed off, wondering just how to do this.

  “Colin, what is going on with you?”

  His twin’s voice was calm, but the hint of concern was clear.

  Colin paused, trying to collect his thoughts. “There are a few things I need to make you aware of. Some situations that have arisen. And I have decided something that will in some ways directly involve you.”

  “Me?” Kit asked with wide eyes. “What are you talking about?”

  In low tones, Colin told him everything that had happened in the last few days. His meetings with Susannah and his attempts to find her work, his concerns of her frail figure, how extensive he believed the debts to be. Then he ventured into this morning’s surprise meeting, and all that Lady Greversham had said, the decision to involve Tibby in the search for work for Susannah, and last of all, the revelation of the existence of her son.

  Kit listened quietly, his eyes fixed on Colin with their usual intensity, never saying a word. When Colin had finished, Kit’s mouth was parted in surprise, and his eyes were wide.

  “I don’t know what came over me,” Colin said as he gripped the back of his neck. “I thought of that boy being in some random hovel in London all alone while Susannah tries to find work, and I just thought of the girls. I couldn’t imagine them in such a state, it was too horrifying, and she has nowhere else to go.”

  “So you thought we would be the best place for him?” Kit asked, not sounding particularly fond of the idea, but neither was he making any refusals.

  Colin huffed in irritation. “I know. It’s not ideal, but…”

  Kit scoffed. “When has that ever stopped you?”

  Colin managed a wan smile.

  His twin eyed him closely, then sighed. “Colin, of course I don’t mind if the boy comes here. He can stay forever for all I care; it might do the girls some good. You said you wanted to help Susannah, and that is certainly something we can do, by all means. My concern is you.”

  Colin snorted and averted his eyes. “What about me?”

  Kit flashed a tight smile. “What are you even doing, Colin? You want to take in the boy of the woman you have despised for years, the one who broke you and left you in pieces. You are bending over backwards to help her, and it makes me nervous. I am concerned that you are being too quick to jump, too eager to please, too…”

  “Too nice?” Colin asked with a sneer. “I thought I was supposed to be the nice one.”

  Kit only looked at him. He knew Colin too well to think his petulance anything but a defense.

  Colin leaned his head back. “I don’t know what happened, Kit. Every time I see her, the past grows foggier in my mind. I can’t hate her, not anymore. I see her now, the fear in her eyes, the weakness in her body, how she struggles, and I cannot stand by. In spite of everything, I still care. Far more than I ever thought, it seems, and I don’t want to go on as I was. I want a fresh start with her, Kit. I don’t understand, but the past is irrelevant now.”

  “Enough that you want to pass her son off as one of our siblings?” This was said without rancor, but Colin winced.

  “I know, and I am sorry. I just…”

  Kit waved a hand. “I have concerns, but I am ready to do it if I must. So long as you have your intentions aligned properly. I won’t see you hurt again, and I refuse to let you become a master of vengeance. You would be far too good at it, and not even I could save you then.”

  Colin was oddly touched by his words. He knew his brother would be unfailingly loyal, but he had never understood how deep their bond was on his end. Kit was a puzzle to all, and while Colin knew him better than anyone, he was still a puzzle.

  “You don’t have to be involved if you prefer not,” Colin said softly, leaning forward and folding his hands. “I’ll do all of it.”

  “You’ll manage the boy and finding Susannah work and the rest of your life? And still have the ability to be a stable adult influence to our sisters?” Kit scoffed. “Highly unlikely. You’ll bungle something up, if not multiple things.”

  Colin grinned. “Well, I can try, at any rate.”

  Kit returned it briefly. “I cannot be here all the time, you know, to mind the girls while you run circles around your youth. I have obligations. And I am not sure you know this, but I have a house of my own. In London.”

  Now it was Colin’s turn to raise a brow. “Have you?”

  Kit looked a bit sheepish. “Yes. It seemed appropriate. A man of mystery must have mysteries, after all.”

  “I figured you had something of the sort, but I never tried to investigate it.”

  It made sense, now that he thought about it again. Kit was always disappearing without a word, supposedly to lands unknown, but he would suddenly reappear. Letters to him would get answered far too quickly for someone out of the city, but no one could verify where he was within the city. Colin trusted his brother enough not to ask questions, but that did not mean there were none.

  “It’s in St. James,” Kit told him. “I can be a perfect recluse there and no one cares. Why didn’t you look into it, if you suspected? I know you have the resources.”

  Colin shrugged and gave him a frank look. “I thought you deserved privacy, even from me. Who was I to invade that?”

  “Thank you,” Kit said with a faint smile. “But with the girls being here, and now gaining Susannah’s son, I will spend as much time here as I can.”

  Colin nodded and sat back in his chair once more. “What do you think of all of this, Kit?” he finally asked, feeling drained. “I mean honestly, what?”

  Kit watched him for a long moment. “I think… I think you are in trouble. Possibly great trouble.” He tilted his head as if considering Colin from a new angle, and there was the barest hint of a smile in his face. “And I am not sure if I want to help or simply watch.”

  Susannah arrived in the middle of the morning, as they had discussed the day before, and it took Colin a few minutes to settle his nerves and anxieties before he could venture out into the hall. Kit had been sitting with him and he watched Colin carefully, silently giving his support to whatever Colin decided. It was ironic, Colin had been the one to suggest all of these things, yet he had not slept the entire night, second guessing his decisions, and second guessing his second guesses.

  It was four in the morning before he made his final decision, which was that Susannah needed him, and everything else was just details.

  The hours that had passed between then and now had been an entire lifetime. He had sent the girls off to Tibby’s for their very first music lesson, as much to have them out of the house for all of this as anything else. Besides that, it did make sense to do so, as they had no instruments here, which was shocking and nearly scandalous, according to Tibby. They would remedy that, he vowed to her, but that seemed of little consequence at the moment. There were far more pressing matters at hand.

  In his opinion, Susannah was late, and he was irritated about it. But as she was here now, was here at all, he sup
posed he could live with that.

  His irritation faded into excitement as he rose and went to exit the study, Kit following him silently.

  Susannah was dressed very simply today, in a grey frock that had seen better days, but fit her far better than anything she had worn when he had first seen her. Her bonnet and cloak had already been taken, and her honey-colored hair was fixed tightly at her neck, highlighting her flawless bone structure. If she were not quite so fragile, she would have been the picture of an ideal woman.

  As it was, she was still the closest to perfection he had ever seen.

  Next to her, clutching her hand and looking around at the entryway in awe, was a small boy with dark, curly hair, though in every other aspect he was the picture of his mother, right down to those delightful green-tinted eyes. He made no secret of his delight with the house, craning his neck this way and that in an attempt to take it all in.

  Colin felt the urge to smile at the sight, which was as unexpected as it was amusing. He was seeing Susannah’s child, something he had never wanted, never thought about, and the boy was so like what Susannah had been it was uncanny. He had the sudden idea that this could all be more fun than he thought.

  “Good morning,” Colin greeted them as warmly as he could. “Welcome to our home.”

  Susannah smiled at him, and he could see the touch of nerves. She curtseyed properly. “Good morning.”

  Colin glanced at Kit, who had come just behind him to his left. He was staring at Susannah in the sort of stunned astonishment that did not encourage anything except insecurity, and were Kit a man of less control, there was no doubt his mouth would be gaping wide. Colin knew exactly what had him so shocked.

  Colin had grown used to Susannah’s wasted and sunken appearance. Kit had only ever known the healthy and active girl she had once been.

  The discrepancy between the two versions was enough to scare one senseless.

  Colin cleared his throat, still watching Kit. “Susannah, you remember my brother?”