Craigslist Confessional
Page 24
I know how lucky I am. I am lucky to live where I do. I am lucky because my husband is a doctor, so we are more medically literate than the average person. I am lucky because we are not poor, or uneducated. And yet I can’t help but be shocked at how difficult it was for me to get postpartum mental health care. If this was my experience, I fear how much harder, still, it must be for women who don’t have the same as privileges as I do.
The last few months have been an unraveling. A violent tug at the tapestry of me, of everything I thought I was as a person. My son’s birth has felt like a sort of comeuppance—like payback for thinking that I had it together. I am not strong. I am not rational. I am not a good mother; did I make a mistake in becoming one? Maybe I don’t have the constitution for motherhood. These thoughts are sad and scary to me, and I think them far too often, still. The worst part is that I can’t trust myself, my own eyes: Ronan is thriving. He is a curious kid who loves the world and brings us so much happiness. And yet I can’t relax—can’t accept it. I question my own reality. Why is it that I feel the need to self-sabotage?
But the hardest times teach us the best lessons. I have learned to zoom out, to let go a little. To focus on what I can control. To simplify instead of complicate. To breathe through the fear. To cope with my anxiety as best I can. To accept that I am not a perfect human, and I cannot and will not be a perfect mother. To become comfortable in discomfort, in the new normal. To be kind to myself, especially when I feel undeserving, and to stop holding myself to unrealistic standards.
Everything is not perfect. But knowing that I’m not in it alone makes it, strangely, bearable. I guess it’s only fitting that, after listening to the troubles of others, I finally learn this lesson myself. I imagine us all huddling together in a storm shelter, waiting for bad weather to pass. And pass it shall. How wonderful it is, to be human.
Acknowledgments
I’d like to thank Paul Smalera, my first editor at Quartz and the second person I ever told about Craigslist Confessional, for his kindness, guidance, and patience, and for giving me the space I needed to make something of this. My thanks to Jason Sacca, who was a really good sport about getting twenty emails a week, every week.
My gratitude, always, to my agent, Jeff Kleinman, for convincing me that no, I can’t finish a book in six months postpartum, and for his tenacity, kindness, and generosity.
I tell her this all the time but for Rebecca Strobel, my editor, written gratitude is in order: I am so lucky we picked each other. My deepest thank you to my wonderful publisher, Jennifer Bergstrom, for her enthusiasm and vision. And to my incomparable team at Gallery Books: Aimée Bell, Jennifer Long, Sally Marvin, Lisa Litwack, John Vairo, Caroline Pallotta, John Paul Jones, Kaitlyn Snowden, and Davina Mock—thank you for working so hard to pull this together, and believing in the importance of telling these stories. And finally, to Sydney Morris, my publicist, and Bianca Salvant, my marketing specialist: thank you for making sure these stories found their kindred spirits.
Thanks to Erblin, for being a true friend, even though for a while there, he was convinced I’d lost my mind; and to Henry, for being the consummate host and a pretty stellar human being.
Mom and Dad—where do I begin? For their sacrifice, strength, and selflessness, I owe them everything.
And to my husband, Alex. You are my whole heart. Thank you for believing in me.
More in Personal Memoirs
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About the Author
Helena Dea Bala emigrated to the United States as a child. To make ends meet during those difficult first years, she helped her mother clean houses on the weekends. She graduated Phi Beta Kappa from George Washington University and worked to become a lawyer and lobbyist in Washington, DC. After her day job left her feeling disconnected and unfulfilled, she deferred her student loans, applied for a credit card, and gave herself one year—one year to just listen. Five years in, she now does Craigslist Confessional full-time. Find out more at craigslistconfessional.com.
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Interior design by Davina Mock-Maniscalco
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Author photo by Gino Orlandini
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Bala, Helena Dea, author.
Title: Craigslist confessional : a collection of secrets from anonymous strangers / Helena Dea Bala.
Identifiers: LCCN 2019047888 (print) | LCCN 2019047889 (ebook) | ISBN 9781982114961 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781982114985 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Self-disclosure—Case studies. | Interpersonal communication. | Interpersonal relations.
Classification: LCC BF697.5.S427 B347 2020 (print) | LCC BF697.5.S427 (ebook) | DDC 158—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019047888
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019047889
ISBN 978-1-9821-1496-1
ISBN 978-1-9821-1498-5 (ebook)