The Chalupa Conundrum

by Lyle Christie

  “It’s so simple!” I said, aloud.

  “What is?” Alessandra asked.

  “Getting you to let me motorboat your luscious lady pillows.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “The keys to the pyramid’s secret doors are right here,” I said, as I placed my palm over the water spout on the male side, but also noticed that it simply increased the pressure and amount of water coming from the female spout.

  “I believe this is a two person job—kind of like the launch keys for a nuclear missile, so would you mind placing your hand over the water spout beside the female statue.”

  “Why?”

  “To block the flow of water.”

  Alessandra pressed her hand down over the opening on her side, and after a few seconds passed we could hear a subtle scraping sound and up from the tubes came the stone spheres, which were riding on the rising water pressure from below.

  We each grabbed our respective sphere and looked at each other.

  “Step one completed,” I said.

  “You know—the Chalupans were very into a balanced relationship between men and women, so this could be considered a symbolic representation of the opposite sexes working together,” she added.

  “It’s more than symbolic, I think. Now, let’s try step two!”

  We headed towards the pyramid, and, upon arriving at the fountain, I placed my sphere in the notch in front of the male canal, and it slipped perfectly into place and blocked the flow of water. A couple seconds passed, and water started flowing out the female side and filling the dry basin. Alessandra then placed her stone in the lower notch, and the water level began to rise. About five minutes later, the basin was nearly full, and we heard more scraping noises, only this time, the floor of the catch basin started sinking down, obviously from the weight of the water. Coinciding with this action, however, was another more spectacular sight—namely the massive stone wall at the base of the pyramid which was raising up at exactly the same rate to reveal a candle-lit entryway. Holy shit! The ancient Chalupans had built a hydraulically controlled door mechanism that worked as smoothly as any garage you’d find in a modern home. Ingenious!

  “I guess I found a way into the pyramid. Not bad for a PhD dropout,” I said.

  “You quit. It’s different.”

  I smiled.

  “Well, thank you, Hot Sauce.”

  “Now for your reward she said, as she lifted up her shirt and bra.”

  “You really don’t have to.”

  “A deal is a deal.”

  I moved closer, and she grabbed my head and pulled it between her supple breasts, and I made a motorboat sound and wiggled my head back and forth. It was glorious, and I never wanted the moment to end, but we had a pyramid to explore and scientists to rescue. I pulled my head back, but, as I was eye to eye with her deliciously hard nipples, I felt a strong desire to deliver a little parting tongue action.

  “Would it be too weird if I were to um…”

  “Kiss my nipples? At this point, I’d be offended if you didn’t.”

  I gave each nipple a gentle kiss and a twist of the tongue then slid her shirt back down into place and stood up and gazed upon my fellow adventurer. Oddly, there was a sudden sexual tension in the air that was abruptly broken when she pulled me close and kissed me. I assumed it was the excitement of our discovery, but soon thereafter her tongue arrived, and we exchanged a rather hot, wet, and slippery kiss. At its conclusion, she pulled her head back and smiled, and it left me feeling a little confused.

  “So, do you think that kiss came from some residual airborne Sexstasy?” I asked.

  “No, I just suddenly wanted to kiss you. Now, are you ready, Indiana Jones?”

  “Yeah—are you, Lara Croft?”

  “I was born ready,” she said.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  The Temple of Gloom

  ALESSANDRA AND I looked at each other with our hearts pounding as we prepared to enter the pyramid. She was correct in calling me Indiana Jones, as I was feeling a bit like my childhood idol, and I imagined she was probably also feeling a lot like the female equivalent Lara Croft. It wasn’t every day you unravelled a thousand year old puzzle and entered a place that no one outside of a small village of Chalupans had apparently ever seen. We nodded at each other then stepped inside.

  “How’s your scrot-sense now?” she asked.

  “I think it’s fair to say my balls are about to jump ship and run off to join the circus. I’d miss them, but at least I’d understand why they left.”

  Alessandra looked around the opening of the chamber then back to me.

  “What about the door? Do we close it or leave it open?” she asked.

  “Good question, and, as this is a covert operation, it might be prudent to close it, but we better make sure we know how to reopen it from the inside.”

  We looked around the opening, and, just inside the door was a large lever that descended into the floor. I was guessing that it diverted water into a basin somewhere below and performed the same function as the fountain.

  “I’m going to go replace the two stones and then run like hell back. If the door closes before I get in, pull the lever.”

  “OK, but do your best to make it, as I’d rather not be locked up in here alone if the switch doesn’t work.”

  “I will.”

  I left Alessandra, then grabbed the two stone plugs, and ran as quickly as I could to the fountain and dropped each into their respective shaft. As I turned, I noticed the door of the pyramid was slowly closing, so I accelerated into a full sprint and watched as the gap grew smaller and smaller—all the while pondering how it would feel to be crushed by a several thousand pound hunk of stone. There was only about a foot and a half gap left when I leapt and dove through the opening and landed in heap of dust as I rolled to a stop.

  “Not bad, Indiana, but I think you left your hat and whip on the other side of the door.”

  “Oh, well hello, funny Hot Sauce. It’s nice to see you again.”

  I stood up and dusted myself off as the two of us began walking down the torchlit corridor, where we soon came upon an intersection. Going straight meant descending down a long stone torchlit staircase while opting for the left or right would take us down a corridor that turned a corner a short distance away.

  “Should we take the stairs and see where they go?” I suggested.

  “Sounds good.”

  We moved slowly down the stairs, and, as we reached the bottom, we could see a large chamber ahead and heard some kind of low ominous sounding murmuring. We moved closer, and it brought us past four intricately carved doorways—two on each side of the hallway. They all accessed rooms, but they were dark, and all we could make out were the vague outlines of what might have been furniture or perhaps even sculptures.

  “Interesting. What do you make of these rooms?” I asked.

  “No idea.”

  “Seriously? I thought you were a Chalupan expert.”

  “Sorry, but the secret inner workings of an unexplored Chalupan pyramid are out of my field of expertise at the moment.”

  We continued past the rooms and slipped into an area of shadow at the entrance to the torchlit main chamber to find it was perfectly square, and each side was at least a hundred feet across while the ceiling loomed about fifty feet overhead. It was a massive space, which made for similar acoustics to the ancient cathedrals of Europe, and every sound, no matter how small, echoed off the hard surfaces. Along the left and right sides were ornately carved columns, and strung across to them were long swaths of red silk banners that originated from loops in the center of the ceiling. Behind the columns and the banners and above the main floor were balconies along each side that probably allowed access to whoever or whatever lit the upper torches. The focal point of the chamber, however, was some kind of raised stage framed by thirty foot tall statues that resembled the ones from the fountain out front. This was apparently the Chalupan version of a theatre, as there was plenty o
f room for the villagers, who were all standing and quietly gazing like sheep towards the empty stage.

  “I’d sure like to get a better view,” I said.

  “Maybe we should go back and try one of the other corridors and see if it leads upstairs.”

  “Good idea, Hot Sauce. Let’s go.”

  Just as we turned to leave, we heard the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs, so we decided to hide in one of the darkened rooms we’d passed on the way in. We raced through the nearest doorway and retreated well beyond the light spilling in from the hall then crouched down behind some long low object. The room was dark and dank and had an unusual musty smell, but it was our only salvation at the moment, so we stayed still and waited for the intruders to pass. A moment later, two of the demon creatures strode by, but the one in back suddenly stopped and peered into our room. Alessandra and I remained perfectly still as we gazed at the creature and finally saw the extent of it’s gruesome visage. It really did look like the combination of a man and a beast, as its face was hairy and ugly, and it had fanged teeth and red eyes. Its body was also hairy, and it had long dangerous looking claws on its hands—the exact kind of claws that could have made the nasty looking scratches we had seen on the walls of one of the cabins back at the camp. It was also quite muscular and around its chest it wore a kind of leather breast plate that made the creature kind of resemble the apes in the original Planet of the Apes movies. It stared intently for a long moment, and I worried its apparently supernatural senses somehow smelled our presence, but thankfully it finally turned and continued on into the main chamber.

  “Oh my fucking God! Did you see that thing?” Alessandra whispered.

  “Yeah, and I’m pretty sure it’ll be in my nightmares for the rest of my life.”

  “No shit.”

  “King Chalupa should really commend his HR person, as finding half-man, half-beast demon creatures that frighteningly ugly can’t be easy.”

  “Clearly he gets them delivered straight from hell.”

  “I wonder if hell has a special program like Amazon Prime where you don’t have to pay for expedited shipping on your minions? Or maybe it’s more like Costco, and he just goes there and buys them in bulk along with a shitload of sandpaper toilet paper.”

  “Sandpaper toilet paper? I don’t understand.”

  “If they have toilet paper in hell, it’ll be sandpaper. That’s how hell works. If he were buying it in heaven it would be soft and luxurious and remove every ounce of poo while only leaving behind a fresh, clean butthole.”

  “I think your bathroom issues go a lot deeper than you think.”

  “I beg to differ, as technically they pretty much end right at my butthole.”

  We had a little laugh at my stupid comment, and it was a nice break, though I suspect we were both trying to use humor to compensate for the fact that we were rational adults who had just been up close and personal with supernatural beings that shouldn’t actually exist.

  “Alrighty then, I guess we should get going while we can,” I said.

  “Yeah, and I don’t like the smell in here.”

  “What do you suppose it is?”

  “It’s hard to tell in the dark.”

  I pulled out my light and shined it around the room and discovered we were apparently in some kind of funeral chamber that was filled with sarcophagus-like objects. Alessandra walked around and did a quick inspection and looked at their individual markings.

  “Holy shit! This is up there with discovering Tutankhamun’s tomb, and the little we’ve seen so far could literally take years of study to fully understand and catalog,” Hot Sauce said.

  “Assuming you can relocate the current residents.”

  “Yeah, there is that.”

  “Sweet fucking Jesus—I still can’t believe we’re in an ancient pyramid inhabited by evil undead minions.”

  “Yeah, I keep wondering if it’s all just a dream, and we’re going to wake up back in our little cabin.”

  “These fucking Chalupans, in addition to their engineering skills, are obviously also really good at keeping secrets, considering this pyramid has remained hidden from the outside world for all these years.”

  “Yeah, it’s kind of embarrassing.”

  We moved to the doorway and checked to make sure it was clear then backtracked up the stairs to the little intersection, only this time we decided to go to the right. The passageway came to a corner, and we rounded it and came upon a torchlit stairwell that headed farther up into the pyramid. We reached the next level and entered a large square room with a doorway in the center of each wall. The left and right probably went to the balconies that skirted the main room while the third was a complete mystery. Before I could say a word, Alessandra was already making a beeline for that very one, and I followed her into the room and found her moving in a slow circle and staring in awe at the pictograms on the walls.

  “Holy shit! Do you know what this is?” she asked.

  “A lot of information?” I responded.

  “Yeah, it’s the history of the city and a lot more. This details when it was founded, who built it, and it even includes all of the other peoples that inhabited the area and traded here. This is the fucking Rosetta Stone of Central American culture.”

  “No shit? So, is it definitive proof that the Chalupans are the rightful inheritors of the land?”

  “Kind of.”

  “What do you mean.”

  “Well, they built the place, but they weren’t alone. The ancestors of the Guatuso people were also here, and, according to what I see, they could make a valid claim for its ownership—or perhaps co-ownership.”

  “Would that have any bearing on the acquisition of the ruins and land by Von Träger?”

  “I suppose it could if the Guatuso people were in a place to purchase it, though it’s doubtful.”

  “But it could throw a temporary wrench into the works?”

  “Yeah, I suppose it could.”

  “Interesting. It would appear that we have found a possible motive for someone wanting the scientists out of the way.”

  “As far as we know, they never entered the pyramid and saw all of this.”

  “Maybe they found something else that revealed the same facts.”

  “Maybe.”

  “And maybe your Lars-bear now has a reason for kidnapping the team.”

  “He wouldn’t kidnap anyone.”

  “Unless he had a very good reason—like a rare flower that could be the next multi-billion dollar designer drug.”

  “Face it—kidnapping the scientists would be illogical for him.”

  “It wouldn’t be if they had proof that subverted his project.”

  “But then he still wouldn’t have the land.”

  “True, so there’s definitely another part of this puzzle we’re missing.”

  Alessandra turned her attention back to the room and moved along each wall and stared in wonder and looked like a kid in a candy store as she ran her hands over the carvings.

  “There is so much history on these walls,” she said.

  “Yeah, but we should move on and see if we can figure out what the hell is going on in the main room,” I said.

  “OK, I suppose the sooner we figure this out, the sooner we can get a team in here to start officially examining this place.”

  “Yeah, I imagine your inner archaeologist is shitting her pants in anticipation.”

  “Oh, she already shit them the minute you figured out how to open that outer door.”

  “I thought I smelled a little extra excitement back there.”

  “More than a little, as I’m not sure if you understand just how amazing all of this is.”

  “I get it, and right now I’m feeling a lot like Indiana Jones—but in real life, and, even though we just happen to be following a bunch of zombies and supposedly undead creatures around this place—I gotta say—this is really fucking exciting!”

  “Welcome to archaeology, Dr. Fi
nn.”

  We went through the doorway that led towards the left side of the pyramid then travelled about fifty feet before turning right and finding ourselves on the left-hand side balcony above the main chamber. As we had seen from below, it sat directly behind the large columns which now partially blocked our view but also provided convenient cover for us to hide and observe the strange scene playing out below.

  King Chalupa’s half-man, half-beast creatures were lined up and forming a perimeter around the main stage, and on it there was a stone X-shaped altar identical to the one atop the pyramid. Meanwhile, the audience all stared looking empty-eyed as they patiently waited for the show to begin.

  “What do you suppose they’re all waiting for? A victim?” I asked.

  “Doubtful, as everything we know about the Chalupans says they didn’t perform any kind of human sacrifice.”

  “Well, they’re definitely waiting for something.”

  Suddenly, there was a pounding sound, and my attention was drawn to the sides of the stage where a line of villagers beat on large drums. A moment later, a group of minions appeared from the opening behind the stage, and they spread out around the altar then waited patiently until a man in a tiny loin cloth, mask, and jeweled necklace appeared. He was in good shape, tall, and carried a golden scepter in his right hand. Sweet mother of all mother fucking goats! Apparently, we were looking at the fabled King Chalupa alive and in the flesh.

  “So, if that’s not King Chalupa down there, then do you think it could be Lars in that loin cloth and mask pretending to be King Chalupa?”

  “No, but I do think you’re an asshole for suggesting it.”