The Chalupa Conundrum

by Lyle Christie

  “Does that include last night?”

  “It does, actually.”

  “How late did you work?” I asked.

  “Two a.m..”

  Shit, if Lars was in a meeting, then he couldn’t have been attempting to molest Bachué in the pyramid. Things, as usual, were more complicated than they appeared.

  “Not much of a vacation,” I said.

  “Definitely not, but it’s still nice to be out of the English weather.”

  “I bet.”

  “So, what exactly brings you into all this, Mr. Finn? Are you an archaeologist on the team?” he asked.

  “No, I’m a private investigator, but I was here on behalf of UCLA to manage the search effort for the missing team.”

  “Well, then I should say good job.”

  “Thanks, it’s been one hell of an unusual case.”

  The night was suddenly filled with the sound of several vehicles approaching, and everyone turned to see two current model Land Rover Discoveries, so even the security staff got pretty nice cars, and, in this case it was the recently upgraded Discovery, which was now called the LR4 and could cost upwards of fifty grand a piece. Of course, Lars could have bought the top of the line Range Rovers and still hardly dented his net worth.

  “Alessandra, why don’t you, Finn, and Bachué join me in my vehicle. Ernesto can you take Estelle and Thomas?”

  “Of course,” he said.

  As I slid into the backseat beside Bachué, I saw Estelle cast me a subtly judgmental frown—probably because I was sandwiched between two beautiful women. She, Thomas, and the remaining UCLA team members loaded into their respective vehicles, and our convoy was soon bumping along the dirt road that led to Lars’s castle. We reached the first checkpoint, and Carlos smiled and waved us through, and soon we were all on our way up the small mountain. As we arrived in front of the estate, staff members were already waiting to escort everyone inside, and within minutes we were led to the third floor guest quarters, where we could clean up before coming down to join our host in his living room. It turned out I had a corner room with sweeping views of the valley on two sides, though the remaining light was nearly gone, thus leaving the area awash in utter darkness. I left the window and went over and sat on the bed and took a moment to reflect on the current situation.

  I was sure Lars was the bad guy, but he had an alibi that was making my situation quite a bit more complicated. How did a man exist in two places at once. That was what I needed to figure out—preferably before anything horrible happened. Thankfully, Ernesto had called in the authorities, so it would be unlikely Lars would do anything too crazy. I heard a knock on the door, then a second later it opened, and there stood Estelle and Thomas.

  “What brings you two campers here?” I asked.

  “We wanted to talk,” Thomas said.

  “Well, come on in.”

  They stepped inside, closed the door, then took a seat on the lounger in my room.

  “Do you really think Lars is our guy?” Estelle asked.

  “I do, but it’s looking a little difficult to prove at the moment, as his business friend says they were in meetings until late last night, which would mean it was someone else leading the ceremony in the pyramid.”

  “Usually, your hunches are pretty good, but an alibi is an alibi,” Estelle said.

  “Yeah.”

  “So, if not Lars then who?” Thomas asked.

  “Shit—I don’t know. I mean, I saw Lars meet with the guy who tried to take me out, so I know he has to be tied in to it all somehow—but perhaps there’s another player in all this who I have yet to uncover.”

  “Are you sure you can trust what Arthur told you?”

  “As far as I could tell, he didn’t appear to be lying, but I suppose it’s possible.”

  There was a knock on the door, and everyone glanced at each other nervously.

  “Who do you think it is?” Estelle asked.

  “No idea.”

  I went to the door, opened it, and there was Fabiana, and she was looking insanely gorgeous in a clingy summer style dress. Oh shit.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  One Night Stand Times Three and a Half

  FATE SOMETIMES FELT like a mean spirited child with anger issues and an impeccably bad sense of timing, for Fabiana burst into the room, wrapped her arms around me, and delivered a very solid, wet kiss as she pushed me back until we both tumbled onto the bed. After thirty long seconds of tongue action, she rose up and smiled as she gazed down at me.

  “Oh, Tag, I’m so happy to see you!” she said.

  I heard Estelle clear her throat, and Fabiana and I turned to regard my other visitors, who were both staring uncomfortably. Clearly, Estelle was not nearly as happy as me to see Fabiana, and I couldn’t help but smile, though I knew I’d probably pay for it later.

  “I assume you all know each other,” I said.

  “Yes, we do,” Estelle said, a tad bit curtly.

  “It’s nice to see you again, Fabiana,” Thomas said.

  “You too,” she said, climbing off of me and taking a seat on the bed.

  “What brings you here?” Estelle asked.

  “Tag, of course, and can you believe he came all the way down here just to rescue you and your friends? What an amazing man,” Fabiana said, wrapping her arms around me and kissing me on the cheek.

  Sweet mother of goats. I couldn’t have imagined a more awesome torture for Estelle.

  “Um—well—yeah. He’s quite a guy,” Estelle said.

  “He’s a hell of a lot more than that,” she responded.

  “Well—I see you two would probably like a little time to yourselves, so I guess we should go get cleaned up, and we’ll talk more later,” Estelle said.

  “OK, I’ll walk you out.”

  I walked with them to the door, and Estelle hung back a few steps and eyed me menacingly as she leaned in close and lowered her voice.

  “We’re going to have a little talk about Fabiana at some point,” she said.

  “I don’t think there’s anything to talk about,” I responded.

  “Oh, there is.”

  “Isn’t.”

  “Is.”

  “Isn’t—as long as you’re getting married to another man.”

  If eyes could be used to set fire to another person, then I would have already been cooked like a Christmas goose. Thankfully, they couldn’t, so I was still al dente when Estelle turned and joined Thomas. I closed the door and turned to see Fabiana smiling at me.

  “Do you think I made her jealous enough?” she asked.

  “Oh, yeah—that was awesome. Now, as I clearly need to marry you—where are we going on our honeymoon?”

  “The Bahamas?”

  “Sure, though I suppose it doesn’t matter as long as we have a bed.”

  “True, though a Jacuzzi would be more than enough.”

  Remembering our day at the pool, I realized she was correct in that assessment, and, no sooner has those thoughts flashed across my mind that she stood up and dropped her thong underwear to the floor. Now, with her special parts easily accessible, she climbed atop me, unzipped my pants, and pulled out an already hard Tag Junior. Free of his confinement, he was more than happy to be directed towards the grand foyer of her lady mansion.

  “Shit, we should lock the door,” I said.

  “Why?”

  “Well—what if someone walks in?”

  “They’ll probably leave.”

  “Good point. Now, for more important matters—shouldn’t I warm you up properly before jumping straight in to penetration?” I asked.

  “I’m warm.”

  Fabiana slid my manhood unto the warmth of her feminine reaches and exhaled a long sigh of pleasure as her eyes rolled back in the lost abandon of coitus. Now, fully entwined, and in spite of my earlier coitus with Professor Hot Sauce, I realized how much I had missed Fabiana’s company. It had been an eventful twenty-four hours, but being with her brought me back to a fam
iliar comfort that I could use at the moment.

  She started slowly rocking her hips up and down, but, as the pleasure grew in intensity, so too did her pace. Still, it was civil enough that I was able to pull her in for a kiss, and our tongues met and danced about in a frenzy. Meanwhile, I used my hands to take hold of her fabulous backside, but, as my eyes fell upon her bouncing breasts, I reached up and pulled them free of her dress and teased her hard nipples with my tongue. Apparently, I’d happened upon one of her happy places, for she started calling out loudly, and her movements became more frequent and harried, and it was all I could do to hold back my own release.

  “Oh my fucking God! Fuck me!” she screamed.

  “Oh fucking fuck,” I responded.

  “I’m going to cum!” she yelled.

  “Me too,” I said.

  Sometimes words carried an unusual power, and, in this case, it was the ability to create the final spark that pushed both of us over the edge and into a mutually assured climax. Sweet, hot release shot forth from my manhood as Fabiana, with her back arched and her nipples hard and elongated, ruthlessly pounded her hips into mine. It was a moment of purity, and our two souls were entwined as though nothing existed beyond our union. Eventually she came to rest, at which point she leaned down and kissed me slowly and passionately, and the exchange was almost more intimate than the intermingling of our sexual organs. When we at last parted lips, she rose up and smiled.

  “Time to shower and get ready for dinner. Do you want me to have your clothes laundered?” she asked.

  “Sure, as long as Lars doesn’t mind me lounging around in the nude.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll find you something to wear in the meantime.”

  I stripped down and followed Fabiana to the door, and we kissed one more time before she left with my clothes. I turned and walked into the bathroom, and my head was still spinning from the unexpected bliss of coitus. As bad as life got at times, it could also get pretty damn good, and, feeling giddy, I stepped into the shower and smiled to myself as the water washed over my body. I rubbed in a dab of shampoo, soaped up, then rinsed and exited to dry off, and finally felt human again after a night underground. I slipped the towel around my waist and left the bathroom hoping that Fabiana would soon return with some loaner clothes. In the meanwhile, I stretched out and relaxed on the bed and used the time to think about my veritable Chalupa conundrum. There was definitely something I was missing amongst all these isolated incidents. A knock at the door broke me from my reverie, and I assumed it was Fabiana.

  “Come in,” I said.

  The door opened, and there stood Bachué, clothed only in that thin silk robe. She stepped inside, closed the door, and walked over to the bed, where she immediately slipped off her robe and now stood beautifully and unabashedly naked. She was a dangerously beautiful woman, and now she was nude and only inches from my nearly naked body. This was a recipe for disaster, but, before I could say a word, she pulled off my towel and straddled me, thus placing our requisite sexual organs in direct proximity.

  “Bachué, I really can’t do this,” I said.

  “You don’t have to. I’ll do all the work.”

  “No, seriously now—I can’t.”

  She raised an eyebrow and looked at me skeptically as she reached down and took hold of Tag Junior, and the fucker annoyingly started getting hard.

  “I think your penis feels differently.”

  “My penis often feels differently, but that’s beside the point. What really matters is that you need someone closer to your own age to take your viginity—someone special.”

  She laughed.

  “Excuse me, but I’m not exactly a virgin.”

  “You’re not?”

  “Hell no, I’ve been having sex since I was eighteen, and I don’t like to brag, but I’m pretty damn good at it.”

  Meanwhile, she continued to work Tag junior, and, in spite of having just made sweet love to Fabiana, I had reached my second sexual wind. Sweet Lord, if this act were to continue it would be my third of the day and seal my fate as a serial man-whore. As that thought faded, Bachué leaned down and took my manhood into her mouth and proved her earlier statement that she’d been having regular sex. She was a master of felatio, and her tongue action and manual stimulation brought my manhood to its full glorious potential in mere seconds.

  “Bachué, clearly, you’re still suffering from the effects of the drugs, so it would be wrong to take advantage of you like this.”

  She withdrew her mouth from my penis and looked up at me and smiled.

  “Don’t worry, Tag. I’ve wanted you since the first moment we met.”

  She raised up and started to slide my member unto her glorious lady region, and I knew I needed to act fast if I was going to avoid slipping into her holy place. I used my hands and scooted backward to gain precious inches, but she was fast and gave chase with her vagina. I reached the headboard and realized I was trapped unless I went right or left. Before I could decide which way to go, she took hold of Tag Junior and held him against her essence, and I could feel the heat of her desire.

  “I want you inside of me,” she said.

  “I really, really can’t do this,” I countered.

  “Don’t worry—as I said, I’ll do all the work.”

  “But…”

  She pressed her finger to my lips then took hold of my hands and placed them on her lovely full breasts, and I could feel her nipples grow hard beneath my fingertips.

  “Can you really say you don’t want to touch me?” she asked.

  “No, but that’s not the point. Any man within a hundred miles would kill to be right here, but my life is a little complicated at the moment.”

  “It’s just sex. People do it every day.”

  Yeah, and sometimes two or three times a day if they’re lucky, I said, to myself. Fuck. There was no easy way out of this one, and I therefore needed a miracle. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, and I gazed up at the heavens and silently thanked God, wherever he, she, or it might be, but, when the door opened, it turned out to be Estelle. Shit, my prayers had been interrupted by the devil herself, and now hellfire would surely engulf me in flames.

  “Wow, Finn. I’m officially speechless.”

  “Hello, Estelle. I believe you know Bachué.”

  “Hello, Bachué, I’m sorry to interrupt, but I really need to speak to Finn. Can you come back later?”

  Perhaps when I’m actually single, I said, to myself.

  “Of course, I’ll come back later,” she said, with a coy smile on her lips.

  Bachué stood up, put on her robe, and headed for the door, but, as she reached for the knob, she suddenly stopped and turned.

  “I know it’s not my place to say it, but I think Tag is unbelievably courageous and romantic to have come all the way down here to rescue you—even after you broke his heart.”

  I had to admit that the girl had otherworldly composure and balls bigger than any man she would ever meet. The door closed, and Estelle looked at me with an intensity in her scorn that I’d never before seen.

  “What the fuck is going on with you? One minute it’s a supermodel, the next it’s an innocent Chalupan girl. Jesus, Finn, your life is just one meaningless sexual encounter after another.”

  “Not true. They’re all very meaningful.”

  “Oh—fuck off.”

  “No, you fuck off, because you’re the one who left me and decided to get married.”

  “And you think that justifies the fact that you’re fucking out of control?”

  “Do you mean that literally? Because, if so, it would be kind of kind of funny.” I said.

  “No, and it’s not funny.”

  “It’s a little funny, but let me put your mind at ease by saying that I’m not fucking out of control—literally or figuratively. What I am doing is kind of dating Fabiana as well as trying my best to ward off Bachué’s advances, though had you not arrived when you did, it’s possible something
regrettable might have happened.”

  “Oh, you’re calling it regrettable? That’s total horse shit! You know you would have fucked her.”

  “No, in fact I swear on all that we once had between us that I was doing my best to avoid it.”

  She watched me silently and looked for subtle hints or cracks in my composure, but none would come, for I was speaking the truth.

  “I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I kind of believe you.”

  “Good enough, now tell me why you’re here.”

  “I will as soon as you cover up your fucking boner.”

  “Oh, sorry—does it bring back memories that are too hard for you to deal with?”

  “Yes, and in case anyone else walks in, I don’t want them getting the wrong idea.”

  I sat up and re-wrapped the towel around my waist, though Estelle’s close proximity made the boner diminish more slowly than either of us would have preferred.

  “Did you happen to pop some Viagra earlier?” she asked sarcastically.

  “Yeah, it’s a new kind called Viagra X as in X-girlfriend, and it’s very effective, apparently.”

  I got up and paced around the room, and soon Tag Junior had diminished down to a semi.

  “OK, is that better? Can we talk now that I don’t have a boner?”

  “Yeah.”

  “OK, what did you want to discuss? The kiss in the cave, or the fact that our host is an egomaniacal madman bent on world destruction through a new recreational drug?”

  She thought a moment.

  “Both, I suppose.”

  “Good, now what was the deal with the kiss?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. When we’re apart things change. When we’re together, they change back. Honestly, I don’t know how I feel.”

  “Same for me, except I retain a dull, low intense ache, even when you’re not around.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  Alessandra would have been proud to hear me express my feelings regarding Estelle. Too bad she was probably off boning her secret bad-guy boyfriend.

  “I’m sorry, Finn. I never meant to hurt you.”

  “It’s fine. I’ve learned to deal with it. Let’s discuss problem two.”