The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Original Radio Scripts

by Douglas Adams

  In the middle of the programme was a chat-show sketch, ‘Sheila’s Ear’, in which she interviewed none other than Arthur Dent, played (as ever) by Simon Jones. I was astounded. I had spent twenty years researching Douglas Adams’ life and career, and was working on my third book about him. I thought I knew everything there was to know about The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – yet here was a completely unknown piece of the story. It was not referred to in any book; Douglas had never mentioned it in any interview; contemporary issues of the fan-club magazine completely failed to spot it (which was a pity because it was exactly what they had been looking for all these years).

  Written by Douglas Adams, starring Simon Jones, broadcast on BBC Radio 4, and fitting perfectly into the continuity of the radio series between ‘Fit the Sixth’ and ‘Fit the Seventh’ (or between the novels The Restaurant at the End of the Universe and Life, the Universe and Everything), this is completely canonical Hitchhiker’s Guide. It was like finding an unknown Shakespeare sonnet or a forgotten Caravaggio in someone’s loft . . .

  And now, for the first time in twenty-one years, here is ‘Fit the Six-and-a-halfth’, restored to its rightful place within the Hitchhiker’s Guide canon.

  M. J. Simpson

  Fit the Six-and-a-halfth or ‘Sheila’s Ear’

  Transcribed from an original recording

  SHEILA: Hello and welcome to Sheila’s Ear. And I have with me in the studio this evening a man whose travels as a hitchhiker around the galaxy have made him something of a celebrity, and his name is Arthur Dent. Ladies and gentlemen – Arthur Dent!

  (Applause)

  SHEILA: Arthur, hello.

  ARTHUR: (Cautiously) Hello.

  SHEILA: In your lovely, woolly dressing gown. You must be the most well-travelled man I ever met. Can I ask you first of all—

  ARTHUR: Where am I?

  SHEILA: Well, you’re—

  ARTHUR: Who are you? Where am I?

  SHEILA: We’re at the BBC.

  ARTHUR: I thought I was in a cave.

  SHEILA: Well, I know what you mean, but this is the Paris Studio, Lower Regent Street, London.

  ARTHUR: England?

  SHEILA: Yes, England.

  ARTHUR: Earth?

  SHEILA: Earth, yes.

  ARTHUR: I’m astonished.

  SHEILA: Well . . .

  ARTHUR: Last time I was here it was blown up.

  SHEILA: Since when of course you have been travelling around the galaxy—

  ARTHUR: But you’re missing the point. When I say ‘blown up’ I mean ‘all gone’.

  SHEILA: Really?

  ARTHUR: Yes, the Earth was completely blown up, you see. Nothing left. I mean, this is the point I’m trying to stress.

  SHEILA: How interesting. Tell me, what are the things you missed most about Earth?

  ARTHUR: Missed?

  SHEILA: Yes.

  ARTHUR: Well . . . irreplaceable things, I suppose. Mars Bars, primarily. Certain types of tea. And, well, I was going to say Radio 4. But I’m a bit puzzled. Are you sure this is really happening?

  SHEILA: You missed Radio 4?

  ARTHUR: Oh, certainly. The News Quiz, Just a Minute . . . It’s unique. There’s nothing quite – or even faintly – like Kenneth Williams anywhere else in the entire galaxy.

  SHEILA: Is that so? Is that so?

  ARTHUR: Yes, I’ve looked. Not very hard, I grant you.

  SHEILA: Why don’t you tell us something about your experience of space?

  ARTHUR: Well, one of the interesting things about space is really how dull it is.

  SHEILA: Dull?

  ARTHUR: Yes, staggeringly dull. Bewilderingly so. You see, there’s so much of it and so little in it. It sometimes reminds me of the Observer. Would you like me to quote you some statistics?

  SHEILA: (Hurriedly) No, thanks very much. No.

  ARTHUR: Very wise. They too are sensationally dull.

  SHEILA: But where exactly have you been?

  ARTHUR: Well, actually I’ve been living in a cave on prehistoric Earth for the last five years. So if you really want a lot of stuff about asteroids and rayguns, I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong chap.

  SHEILA: Ah.

  ARTHUR: I can tell you a lot about mud and swamps and the quest for fire. Honestly, this is the place I always dreamed of being. England now. The Archers. Crumpets with Marmite. Chat shows. Funny – now I’m here, I keep thinking I ought to pinch myself.

  SHEILA: No, don’t. Don’t do that. Well, it’s been nice talking to you in your sleep. You must be keen to get back to your cave and wake up.

  ARTHUR: Not particularly.

  SHEILA: Tough. So from the dream world of Arthur Dent it’s back to our studio.

  [Ends]

  Transmission Schedule

  A Note on Episode Titles

  In the original Radio Times listing ‘Fit the Sixth’ was called ‘Fit the Sixth (the final)’ and this title was used again on its second repeat, but not on its first for some reason. ‘Fit the Seventh’ was not given any episode title or number when originally broadcast.

  The second series episodes were called ‘Fit the First’ to ‘Fit the Fifth’ on their initial broadcast and first repeat and were only numbered sequentially with the first series when all twelve episodes were broadcast in a single run in 1981.

  The idea to call the first series ‘The Primary Phase’ and episodes seven to twelve ‘The Secondary Phase’ was suggested by Douglas Adams in 1992 for the first re-release of the series on cassette and CD.

  The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Who’s Who

  Douglas Adams’s remarkable career, up until his tragically early death at forty-nine, has been well documented. But who were the other people involved in the radio series of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and whatever became of them?

  Jonathan Adams (Majikthise, Cheerleader) is best known as Dr Von Scott in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and also played the narrator in the original stage production. His TV roles include Star Cops, Bergerac and Jesus of Nazareth.

  John Baddeley (Bird Two, Footwarrior) provided voices for The Dark Crystal and the cult puppet series Star Fleet and has played numerous characters in The Archers. His TV work includes Cathy Come Home.

  Ronald Baddiley (Bird One) played several characters in The Archers and has guest starred in many radio comedy series over the years.

  Lisa Braun (studio manager) worked on Quote . . . Unquote and many other radio shows and is now married to Hitchhiker’s Guide producer Geoffrey Perkins.

  Simon Brett (producer) created Week Ending and wrote the radio and TV versions of After Henry. He also writes the Charles Paris detective novels.

  Jim Broadbent (Vroomfondel, Shooty) has many stage and TV credits including Ken Campbell’s epic Illuminatus! and a spell with the National Theatre of Brent. His films include Topsy-Turvy, The Borrowers, Gangs of New York, Moulin Rouge, Brazil and an Oscar-winning performance in Iris. On the Hitchhiker’s Guide LP he played Vroomfondel and Bang-Bang.

  Jeremy Browne (Fook) was a contemporary of Douglas Adams’ in the Cambridge Footlights.

  Ken Campbell (Poodoo) founded the Ken Campbell Roadshow and the Science Fiction Theatre of Liverpool, and directed Hitchhiker’s Guide on stage. He had regular roles on Brookside and In Sickness and In Health, appeared in Fawlty Towers, and now performs one-man shows around the UK.

  Jonathan Cecil (‘B’-Ark Number One, Management Consultant) is a familiar face and voice in many TV and radio sitcoms including One Foot in the Grave, Are You Being Served? and Dad’s Army. He has many film and stage credits, and has recorded definitive audiobooks of several P. G. Wodehouse novels.

  Colin Duff (studio manager) is a Broadcast Duty Manager at the BBC and an expert on trains and aeroplanes.

  Valentine Dyall (Gargravarr) was radio’s famous ‘man in black’, presenting atmospheric thrillers in sepulchral tones throughout the 1940s, and was the voice of Deep Thought for the LP and TV versions of Hitchhiker’s Guide. H
e was in several Goon Shows and had many film credits, often as narrator or dubbing other actors. He died in 1985.

  Alan Ford (Roosta) has numerous film and TV credits including An American Werewolf in London, Chaplin and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.

  David Gooderson (Barman) was a regular in Tenko and A Touch of Frost, and has many other TV credits including Davros in Doctor Who.

  Richard Goolden (Zaphod Beeblebrox IV) acted in films from 1935 but was most famous as Mole in Toad of Toad Hall, on both stage and radio. Another very successful radio character was Mr Penny. He died in 1981.

  Ray Hassett (Lunkwill, Bang Bang) had small roles in Superman, The Spy Who Loved Me and The Empire Strikes Back, and also acted in test footage for Alien.

  Peter Hawkins (Frankie Mouse) was the voices of many Daleks and Cybermen in Doctor Who and also narrated Superted.

  Roy Hudd (Max Quordlepleen) starred in The News Huddlines for many years on Radio 2, and is now a regular on Coronation Street. He is an expert on old variety acts and President of the British Music Hall Society. He recreated his Hitchhiker’s Guide role for the LP.

  David Jason (‘B’-Ark Captain, Caveman) was already well known from series such as Do Not Adjust Your Set, Porridge and The Top Secret Life of Edgar Briggs, and was a regular voice on Radio 4’s Week Ending. He has since become one of Britain’s most popular actors through a series of classic characters: Granville, Pop Larkin, Del-Boy Trotter, Inspector Frost and Dangermouse.

  Peter Jones (The Book) was one of Britain’s most popular comic actors, achieving his first success in the 1950s radio series In All Directions with Peter Ustinov. He was a regular on Just a Minute for thirty years, starred in The Rag Trade for both the BBC and LWT, appeared in numerous films, and also wrote several of his own radio and TV series. He re-recorded his narration for the LPs and TV series of Hitchhiker’s Guide. He died in 2000.

  Simon Jones (Arthur Dent) was a Footlights’ contemporary of Douglas Adams and recreated Arthur Dent for the Hitchhiker’s Guide LPs and TV series. His films include Brazil, Twelve Monkeys and Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, while memorable TV roles include Sir Walter Raleigh in Blackadder II and Bridey in Brideshead Revisited. He has recorded audiobooks of Douglas Adams’ The Long, Dark Teatime of the Soul and The Salmon of Doubt.

  Jo Kendall (Lady Cynthia Fitzmelton) was a regular on I’m Sorry, I’ll Read That Again and The Burkiss Way. Her TV credits include Emmerdale Farm and The Six Wives of Henry VIII.

  Paddy Kingsland (music) was a leading figure in the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, composing for many drama and documentary series, most notably Doctor Who. He also composed music for the LPs and TV series of Hitchhiker’s Guide.

  John Le Mesurier (Wise Old Bird) is best known as Sergeant Wilson in Dad’s Army, and also worked frequently with Tony Hancock. He made more than 100 films from 1948, including I’m All Right Jack, The Pink Panther, Casino Royale, The Italian Job and Jabberwocky. He died in 1983.

  Rula Lenska (Lintilla, Airline Stewardess) starred in Rock Follies and also appeared in Doctor Who and EastEnders. She has toured in many stage plays.

  John Lloyd (co-writer) was associate producer of the Hitchhiker’s Guide TV series and co-wrote The Meaning of Liff with Douglas Adams. He produced Not the Nine O’Clock News, Spitting Image and Blackadder.

  Geoffrey McGivern (Ford Prefect, Deep Thought, etc.) was in Footlights with Douglas Adams and is now a familiar TV face from numerous roles in series such as Alas Smith and Jones, Chelmsford 123 and Jonathan Creek. He was Ford again on the Hitchhiker’s Guide LPs.

  Dick Mills (music) spent many years at the BBC Radiophonic Workshop creating music and sound effects for Quatermass and the Pit, Doctor Who and many other series.

  Stephen Moore (Marvin, Gag Halfrunt, etc.) played Marvin on the LPs and in the TV series of Hitchhiker’s Guide, and also recorded two singles in character, as well as talking books of the first four Hitchhiker’s Guide novels. In a wide-ranging career on TV, radio and stage, he was particularly memorable as the long-suffering father of both Adrian Mole and Harry Enfield’s Kevin the Teenager.

  Bill Paterson (Arcturan Number One) has enjoyed a lengthy film and TV career. His credits include Smiley’s People, The Singing Detective, Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, Chaplin, The Killing Fields and two Iain Banks adaptations: The Crow Road and Complicity.

  Geoffrey Perkins (producer) was part of the team behind Radio Active and also produced the Hitchhiker’s Guide LPs. He spent six years as BBC Head of Comedy and is now Creative Director of Comedy at production company Tiger Aspect. He is married to Hitchhiker’s Guide studio manager Lisa Braun.

  Beth Porter (Marketing Girl) became a BBC producer and is now an Internet consultant.

  Jonathan Pryce (Autopilot, Zarniwoop) has become one of Britain’s best-known actors with extensive TV and theatre credits and starring roles in films such as Brazil, Evita and Tomorrow Never Dies.

  Anthony Sharp (Garkbit, Zarquon) had many film and TV credits, often as politicians or military officers, notably in A Clockwork Orange, Never Say Never Again and To the Manor Born. He died in 1984.

  Susan Sheridan (Trillian) is an accomplished actress whose credits include many cartoon voices and numerous stage roles and radio plays. She also played Jade Fox in the dubbed version of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

  Mark Smith (Hig Hurtenflurst) is still acting on stage and radio.

  David Tate (Eddie the Computer, Vogon Guard, etc.) was a stalwart of the long-running topical satire show Week Ending, and a familiar voice right across Radio 4. He reprised his role as Eddie for the TV series and LPs of Hitchhiker’s Guide. He died in 1996.

  Richard Vernon (Slartibartfast) was a very popular actor on TV, radio and film for nearly fifty years, often playing slightly dotty aristocrats. Notable film credits include Gandhi, Goldfinger and The Satanic Rites of Dracula, while on TV he was memorable in Yes Minister, Roll Over Beethoven and Edward the King. On radio he was the definitive Lord Emsworth in P. G. Wodehouse’s ‘Blandings’ stories. He played Slartibartfast again on TV and LP. He died in 1997.

  Bill Wallis (Mr Prosser, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz) was a regular voice on Week Ending for many years and has many other radio, film and TV credits including The Avengers, Blackadder, Dangerfield and The Chronicles of Narnia. He also played Prosser and Jeltz on the Hitchhiker’s Guide LP.

  Leueen Willoughby (Nutrimat Machine) appeared in Superman I and II and played the Golgafrinchan Marketing Girl on the LP of The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. A film clip of Leueen rehearsing the Nutrimat scene with Simon Jones is included on the DVD of the Hitchhiker’s Guide TV series.

  Mark Wing-Davey (Zaphod Beeblebrox) had notable roles in Absolutely Fabulous, Breaking Glass and the BBC TV production of Henry VI Parts 1–3. He has directed for the stage in New York and founded the Actors’ Centre in Covent Garden. He was Zaphod again on LP and TV.

  Aubrey Woods (‘B’-Ark Number Two, Hairdresser, etc.) made his first film in 1947 and can be seen in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, The Abominable Dr Phibes and Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. His many radio credits include Van Helsing in Sherlock Holmes Vs Dracula.

  The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

  The Original Radio Scripts

  25th Anniversary Edition – updated and with new, previously unpublished material

  Douglas Adams created all the various and contradictory manifestations of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: radio, novels, TV, computer game, stage adaptations, comic book and bath towel. A major movie is currently in development hell and will almost certainly be released any decade now.

  Douglas Adams lectured and broadcast around the world and was a patron of the Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund (www.gorillas.org) and Save the Rhino International (www.savetherhino.org). He was born in Cambridge, England, and lived with his wife and daughter in Santa Barbara, California, where he died suddenly in May 2001.

  For more information on Douglas Adams and his creations, please visit www.douglasadams.
com, the official website.

  You may wish to join ZZ9 Plual Z Alpha, the official Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Appreciation Society, founded in 1980. For details of this fan-run club, visit www.zz9.org.

  Geoffrey Perkins joined BBC Radio in 1976 where as well as producing The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy he introduced the bizarrely incomprehensible ‘Mornington Crescent’ into I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue and appeared in Radio Active (which has just returned to Radio 4 for a twentieth-anniversary show. It also became the TV series KYTV).

  After six years he left BBC Radio and went on to produce Spitting Image, Saturday and Friday Night Live, and Ben Elton – The Man from Auntie and became one of the directors of Hat-Trick, where (as well as helping to develop shows like Have I Got News For You and Whose Line Is It Anyway) he produced Harry Enfield’s Television Programme, Norbert Smithy Game On and Father Ted, before leaving to become Head of BBC Television – Comedy in 1995.

  He left the BBC after six years (there’s a pattern here) to become Creative Director of Tiger Aspect Productions, where he has been involved in the production of Blackadder Back and Forth, The Thin Blue Line, Swiss Toni and Double Take.

  He is married to Hitchhiker’s studio manager Lisa Braun, has two children, but sadly no longer lives in a small cottage where Douglas Adams used to bang his head in every room.

  Also by Douglas Adams

  The Salmon of Doubt

  The Hitchhiker series:

  The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

  The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

  Life, the Universe and Everything

  So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish

  Mostly Harmless

  The Dirk Gently series:

  Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency

  The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul