The Me I Used to Be

by Jennifer Ryan

  Mom’s face paled and her eyes shined with unshed tears.

  Nona sat even straighter in her chair, stoic and trying to show strength, but she had to be dying inside.

  Mr. Jompson pulled a white slip of paper from the folder, then glanced around the room before he read, “‘Tell Evangeline that I hope she’ll come home. I hope she knows how much I want everything to be right again. The ranch is a mess. My life is a mess without her in it. When she left, everything went south. The cascade effect was detrimental to the ranch and our family. Cattle prices dropped. The never-ending drought dried up our land and drove water prices higher. With water restrictions in place, we had to cut back on the size of the herds. Karma’s a bitch. I got what I deserved. But maybe there’s a chance to turn things around. She’s so smart. She’ll know what to do. With her home, things will look different. I got one miracle when Rhea’s tumor turned out not to be cancer. I need another one to hold on to my family, our land, and put both back together.’”

  No one spoke.

  Evangeline’s heart grew heavy in her chest. It hurt to breathe.

  The fear she felt when her mother told them about the tumor and having to have a hysterectomy flooded back. When Evangeline went to prison, she feared she’d never see her mother again. Jill gave her the good news months later when the doctors gave her mother a clean bill of health. She’d been unbelievably relieved.

  Her mother was happy and healthy again.

  But her father wasn’t. And she’d lost him instead.

  “Your father hoped Evangeline’s coming home would create the change this place and you all needed.”

  “And now I’m in charge.” Evangeline really tried to wrap her head around that and what it meant.

  “If Charlie won’t go along with my plan for the ranch, I’d rather sell the land than sign with Warley and let them take over our business.” Joey crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes as full of insolence as the frown on his face.

  “Sell the ranch. No.” Charlie pinned Evangeline in his gaze. “This is our home. Our business. I don’t want to see some land developer come in and turn this place into an overpriced suburb. Do you?”

  “No. Of course not.” She honestly hadn’t seen this coming and had no idea what to do. She wanted to tell Charlie to do what he thought best, but Joey was right. Why didn’t he get a say? He worked here, too. So maybe he was right and Charlie was just being overly cautious. It was his nature. But Joey could be reckless, offering an uninformed decision that could put them all at risk. “I’ll look at the offer and the ranch books and see what makes sense.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Charlie raked his fingers through his hair. “You’re seriously going to take responsibility for the ranch, this family, my family?”

  “Would you rather I arbitrarily take sides between you and Joey with no thought to the consequences of my decision and what it will do to you, him, and everyone else? Should I just say yes to you because you think you know what’s best for everyone?”

  “I’m the one who’s kept the ranch alive as Dad’s health declined the last two years.”

  “Thank you. Sincerely. But it sounds like the business, for whatever reasons, has fallen on hard times. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate how we do things. Maybe it’s time to stop doing what we’ve always done—”

  “We.” Joey scoffed.

  She didn’t back down. “For years. You, Charlie, and Dad haven’t figured out a way to turn the ranch around. Maybe it’s time to look for alternatives.”

  That only made Charlie frown harder. “Like what? You know nothing about running cattle. All you’ve ever done on the ranch is ride horses.”

  That wasn’t wholly true. She hadn’t dedicated her life to ranching, but she’d done her chores and pitched in when needed.

  “What can you possibly come up with that we haven’t already considered?” Charlie stared her down.

  “I don’t know. But it’s up to me now, isn’t it?” Maybe she’d been a casual observer when it came to the ranch business. That didn’t mean she couldn’t take a look at things now with an outside perspective and come up with a solution.

  Charlie tried again. “You have no idea what you’re doing. You make a wrong decision, we could lose everything.”

  She held his gaze, nodded her understanding, but didn’t give in to what he wanted just because he wanted it.

  She wasn’t trying to be mean, and she wasn’t going to simply play nice.

  They all wanted to overlook her. Her mother wanted her gone. But she was in charge. She decided what happened now. They couldn’t ignore her.

  “Charlie, I’m not saying no to you. But I’m not giving you an uneducated yes, either. I’ll take a look at the ranch books, the operation, the contract you’re interested in, and then I’ll let you know what I decide.”

  “You’ll let me know! Are you kidding me?”

  “No. That’s what Dad wanted.” The weight of what he asked of her settled on her shoulders. Her gut tightened with anxiety. If she screwed this up, they’d really hate her for losing the ranch and tearing the family apart.

  She’d shirked responsibility in the past. This wasn’t the same as skipping a class, or half a dozen. This success or failure would have a true impact on her family. There was more at stake than failing a class. This meant the loss of the land and ranch that was to be their legacy.

  “This is a chance for the three of you to work together.” Those were the first words out of Nona’s mouth since they had gathered in the living room to hear the terms of the will. “Maybe that’s all Richard wanted: his three children to come back together and work for this family and the ranch.”

  Maybe, but her father had given her a monumental task and power over her brothers. Not exactly a great way to get them to cooperate with each other.

  Evangeline wiggled her toes and made the blocks Will had stacked on her foot tumble over. He squealed with delight and started again.

  Charlie held his hand out to Lindsey. “I can’t do this right now.” Grief and anger filled those words. “We’ll talk about this later, Evangeline. I’m taking my wife and sons home. It’s been a long day. The boys need their baths and to get to bed on time.” Charlie needed time to absorb what had happened. She needed to do the same. But Charlie also wanted to figure out a way to make her do what he wanted.

  He’d always known he’d be in charge of the ranch one day.

  Her father’s dictate had turned things upside down on Charlie. On all of them.

  It put her off balance, too. This was not what she came back to do.

  “I’m happy to discuss the options before I make a decision.”

  Charlie pulled the diaper bag strap up to his shoulder. His eyes narrowed with resentment.

  Mr. Jompson jumped in before Charlie exploded with all the words backed up behind his tight lips. “I’m available if you have questions. I’ll leave the copy of the will here for your review.” He left the folder on the coffee table. “I’ll show myself out.”

  Charlie and Lindsey gathered the children’s things and said goodbye to Mom and Nona. Lindsey carried Henry out the door, followed by Will. Charlie stopped and stared at Evangeline, conveying a message she didn’t understand or wish to interpret incorrectly, then left without another word.

  She wished he’d just say what was on his mind. Then again, maybe she didn’t want to hear it, if it was to insult and hurt her more.

  Joey tossed his plastic drink cup in the trash can in the dining room, kissed Mom on the head, hugged Nona, then headed for the door, saying, “You know I’m right, sis. This is our ranch, not a moneymaker for some corporate greed machine. Do the right thing.” He slammed the door behind him.

  What exactly was the right thing?

  She’d figure it out.

  Saving her family and the ranch depended on it.

  Her mother stood. “I hope you’re happy. You put a tear in this family with your amazingly selfish behavior and illegal activities.”r />
  Amazingly selfish? Really?

  But she let it go, because her mother didn’t look like she could handle an argument right now. Not with a fresh wave of tears glistening in her somber, angry eyes.

  “Let’s hope you don’t rip the family completely apart this time.”

  That hurt. Mom used to be the epitome of a proud mother championing her children. But because of Evangeline’s mistakes her mother didn’t believe in her anymore.

  If she could fix the ranch and pull the family back together, maybe her mom would change her mind and see that Evangeline wasn’t so different from the girl her mom used to cheer for at soccer games and that she’d learned from her mistakes and planned a better future.

  Mom touched her trembling fingers to her more-gray-than-brown hair. The shaking probably had more to do with her rage than with fatigue and grief after a long day and burying the love of her life. She settled her hand on her chest. Evangeline wondered if she was trying to hold together her broken heart. Her gaze bounced from one thing to the next in the room, never focusing on any one thing. “I’m too tired to deal with this. I think I’ll go lie down for a while.”

  Nona made a shooing motion with her hands. “Go. The mess isn’t going anywhere.”

  Mom walked away without a second glance in Evangeline’s direction.

  Evangeline stared down at the blocks at her feet and wished she had Will’s carefree life.

  “You can do this, Evangeline,” Nona encouraged. “He’s counting on you.”

  “To do what exactly?” He had to have known the rest of the family didn’t want or need her help. They didn’t want her here. Not really.

  “To find the answer.”

  “Maybe he put too much faith in me.”

  “Maybe you surprised him with your strength and showed him that you have what it takes to make the hard decisions, not because they’re right, but because they’re necessary.” Nona stood and stretched her back.

  Was there some deeper meaning in what she said?

  “I’ve got this.” Evangeline surveyed the table full of food, the empty cups and dirty plates scattered about, and the general disarray in the room. “Get some rest. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. You’ve been a rock today, but I know you’ve got to be sick with grief.”

  “A mother should never outlive her children. One day, you’ll understand.”

  “Mom never thought she’d live to see one of her children behind bars.”

  “You protected her from having to actually see that. She’ll come around. Give her time. I’m grateful Richard had so many blessings. A wife who adored him. Three wonderful children. Two grandbabies he found so much joy in seeing come into this world with hope and possibilities. I only wish he’d been here to welcome you home. It would have been better then.” Nona pressed her lips together. “We’ll talk soon.” She pressed her hand to her head, worry and grief clouding her dark eyes. “I’ve a headache.”

  “I’ll clean up. You rest, Nona. It’s all going to be okay,” she assured her, though she wasn’t sure how.

  Nona climbed the stairs, her pace slow and steady, weighed down by the day’s events.

  Evangeline started with the mess at her feet, tossing the blocks and a stuffed alligator into the toy box in the corner she and her brothers had used when they were little. She folded the play mat and set it on top and thought of better days when she and her brothers roughhoused in this room while Mom made dinner in the kitchen and yelled at them, “Knock it off.”

  It seemed so easy to wrap up the food and put it in the fridge, toss out the garbage, and restore the living and dining rooms to the way they were before everyone arrived. The hard work lay ahead, because she didn’t know how to clean up the mess her family was in. Things had gotten worse the moment she arrived, and now her father had put everyone’s fates in her hands.

  She’d caused enough strife in the family. She wanted them to go back to being the way they used to be.

  And yes, she wanted her father to be here to welcome her home.

  Impossible wishes and dreams.

  She tossed the dish sponge into the sink, wiped her hands on the towel, grabbed a glass of milk and the plate she’d filled while putting the food away, and headed down the hall to her guest cell, ready for some peace and quiet and her brownie, double chocolate cake, and raspberry cheesecake eat-my-feelings desserts.

  All she could do now was make the best decision she could, given the circumstances and the information available to her.

  “Ugh. I’m screwed. Again.” She closed her bedroom door, sat on the edge of the bed, and picked up the brownie. “At least this time, there’s chocolate.”

  Chapter Eight

  Evangeline spent most of Sunday alone in her room going through the boxes her mother had packed up from her old life. Most of the clothes were worth keeping. You couldn’t go wrong with jeans, T-shirts, blouses, and the couple of denim and dress jackets she owned. The old and outdated went into a trash bag she planned to drop at a donation bin in town Nona had told her about at lunch.

  Her mother stayed in her room, too. They hadn’t spoken since the reading of the will.

  Evangeline gave her space.

  She needed some, too.

  Yesterday had been harder than she’d thought. She’d spent most of the night tossing and turning, trying to figure out why her father had put her in charge.

  Did he know he wouldn’t be here when she came home? Or did he simply put the stipulation in the will because he knew Charlie and Joey couldn’t agree on anything and they needed her to sort it out?

  Charlie and Joey had definite ideas on what they wanted to do. She wasn’t so sure she could play arbiter between her two strong-willed and hardheaded brothers. They each thought they could sway her to their side.

  She had a sinking feeling the ranch needed more than what either of their plans would accomplish.

  She stared at the bag of clothes to donate and picked up the flattened boxes. She’d put away the few clothes she decided to keep in the dresser and closet. She’d gotten used to a sparse life in prison. She preferred having more choices on the outside, but still wanted to keep her life simple.

  Because, let’s face it, her family and uncertain future were complicated enough.

  Boxes tucked under her arm, she left her room for the first time since lunch with Nona and headed into the kitchen to grab another apple. She’d missed fresh fruits and vegetables and had stuffed herself on both at lunch.

  Evangeline stopped short just inside the kitchen when her mom slammed the freezer door and glared at the empty, flattened boxes, then at her.

  “I wouldn’t get too comfortable, if I were you.” The frosty words were as cold as the frozen chicken breasts in her hand.

  Evangeline let the pinch of pain evaporate before she said something she’d regret. “I’d be happy to make dinner.”

  Weary, her mother sighed and simply turned her back to Evangeline and uncovered a bowl of pasta salad on the counter.

  Dismissed, Evangeline headed out into the garage to store the boxes. She’d need them soon, if her mother had her way. She’d just gotten here and already she needed to figure out how to get her own business up and running so she could get out as soon as possible.

  She headed out the side door of the garage, down the drive to the stables. The thought of leaving this place forever weighed on her heart. If she didn’t figure out how to save it, her whole family would be forced to sell. Who knew what would happen then?

  Would they all scatter to the winds?

  Not likely. Joey would do his own thing. Charlie would take care of Mom and Nona and his family. That’s what he did, took on all the problems and tried to take care of the family one by one, but he had a hard time looking at the big picture when bombarded with more than he could handle.

  The ranch and Dad’s issues had to have overwhelmed him. And so the ranch got away from Charlie. Or at least the problems piled up and he couldn’t tackle all of th
em fast enough to make a difference.

  The stables were quiet, but Charlie’s and Joey’s trucks were out front. She wanted to sneak in, saddle Goldie, and go for a nice long, quiet ride.

  “There you are,” Charlie snapped from behind her.

  She jumped and turned to face him. “Here I am.”

  “Come into the office.” Charlie walked right past her and down the breezeway to the room at the back of the building assuming she’d follow.

  She glanced at Goldie. “Sorry, girl. I’ll be back.” She’d give Charlie a few minutes, but then she intended to get her ride. She’d been locked up in a cell and today in her room for too long. She needed some wide-open spaces to shake off the claustrophobic feeling surrounding her.

  Charlie tossed a stack of papers on the desk the second she walked in. “That’s the contract. Sign it.”

  “No.” She met Charlie’s glare with one of her own. “I’ll read it. I’ll consider it.”

  Charlie swore. “You don’t want anything to do with this ranch.”

  “Just because I don’t want to be a rancher like you and Joey doesn’t mean I don’t care what happens here. This is my home. This is our ranch. I don’t want us to lose, either.”

  “We will if you don’t sign that contract.”

  “Bullshit.” Joey walked in and squared off with Charlie across the desk. “We can turn things around.”

  Charlie tapped a stack of envelopes. “How do you plan to turn things around when we can barely pay our monthly expenses?”

  “We get a loan. Put some money back into the operation. Modernize things. That will get the expenses down.”

  “Yes, and add another bill to the pile that we can’t afford.”

  She chimed in. “A loan means interest. If we can’t expand the operation enough to cover the cost and then some, I’m not sure it’s worth trying to go that route.”