Deep Inside Google

by Virna DePaul

  Her bottom lip trembled, and she finally nodded, tears welling up in her eyes.

  “Holy shit. How long have you known?” He held her close, but she pushed away. Now that he knew her secret, they could talk about it, work this out. So, why was she pushing him away?

  Ruby kept her eyes down in her lap. “Since the urgent care,” she whispered. “I thought I was going to faint during the meeting. God, I feel so stupid, Alec. I’m so sorry I left you all alone in there.”

  “Are you kidding me right now?” He tried not to sound too upset, but she wasn’t making any sense. “You were sick. You’re pregnant. It was totally justified. Oh, my God.” Suddenly, he had to stand and pace the room. It hadn’t occurred to him that anyone else might be the father, but just to be sure…

  “Ruby, the father…”

  “It’s you, Alec.” She full-on started to cry.

  “Okay, listen.” He ran his hands through his hair. Holy fuck. First, Colleen and now Ruby. Except Colleen’s wasn’t real, but still, getting the news twice that he was going to be a father was particularly straining. “We’ll figure this out.”

  Although part of him wanted to demand why she hadn’t told him the moment she knew, another part of him could barely wrap his head around this news. Ruby was pregnant. With his child. How had this happened, though? She said she was on the pill. An insidious inner voice wondered if she was telling the truth, but he knew that was only trauma speaking. Ruby would never lie to him like Colleen had, and besides, she definitely wasn’t faking her nausea and morning sickness.

  “There’s nothing to figure out, Alec. You don’t want kids, and now I’ve ruined your life again.”

  “What are you talking about? I love kids. What makes you think I don’t?”

  A fresh round of tears burst from her eyes. “In the meeting, you said you weren’t ready for kids. In the future, maybe, but not now. I should’ve known at that moment, it was a sign I was pregnant. Everything was going too smoothly for us.”

  He knew he should be freaking out, but to his surprise, the only emotion he felt was joy. Joy, because he was really going to have the chance to be a father, and this time not with a woman he didn’t love either. But with a woman he adored.

  This meant Ruby could never run from him again. He would always be a part of her life, and she would be a part of his. They had to make this work. “We’re getting married, then.” At her shocked look, Alec knew he should’ve phrased that better. Asked her maybe, not ordered her.

  But at the moment, he just needed to convince her.

  She shook her head. “Are you crazy? This is exactly what I was worried about, why I didn’t want you coming around here. You felt you had to marry Colleen, and now you feel you have to marry me. Alec, I know you’re a good guy, but this won’t ruin your life, I promise.”

  “Ruin my life? Ruby, marrying you would be a fucking dream come true. Don’t you get it? It’s like the universe took that problem away from me—”

  “And gave you another. I know.” She squeezed tears from her eyes and sobbed into a couch pillow.

  “I was going to say, and gave me a brand-new start with a woman I love.”

  She looked up at him through tears to gauge his response, his eyes. She loved to scan his eyes and make sure he wasn’t lying. Yes, there he said it—he loved her. Because it was true, goddammit. “I’ve ruined everything.”

  “You’ve ruined nothing.” He sat next to her, one arm around her. She didn’t push him away. “It’s the perfect time to talk about it. You’re pregnant, and I’m the father. I’m assuming you don’t want to raise this baby alone. Right?”

  “Yes, but that doesn’t mean we need to get married. It’s not like I’ll have to wear a scarlet letter if I have a baby out of wedlock,” she pointed out wryly. “You can still have your freedom. Don’t worry.”

  “I don’t want freedom, and I don’t care what anyone thinks. What I do care about is doing the right thing.” He took her hands and pressed her fingers.

  “I don’t want you to marry me because you feel it’s the right thing. You wouldn’t have asked me to marry you if it weren’t for me being pregnant, so I don’t want you asking me to marry you now. Get it? This wasn’t supposed to happen.” Ruby bawled into her pillow, and Alec knew enough about pregnant women to know he shouldn’t push the issue.

  For a long while, he said nothing, only rubbed her back until the sobbing ebbed away. “Ruby, I get what you’re saying, and I respect your feelings. I’m not going to push this issue right now because you’re going through a lot. But I want you to know…that I may not have proposed to you this very week, but I’d already been doing a lot of thinking. We’re good together. We should be together. And us having this baby does not scare the shit out of me the way it did when Colleen told me. Okay?”

  She coughed out a small laugh.

  There it was, that smile. Even as tiny as it was, he loved it. “I’m serious. I’m feeling happy right now. I’m just worried about you. Ruby, this may make things happen sooner than expected, but I love you, girl. You hear me? And we’re good together.”

  “This isn’t the way to do things. Getting married because of a baby is one of the worst reasons to get married. A surefire recipe for divorce.”

  “You don’t know that. I know people who got married because of a baby and they’re still together.”

  “Who, Alec? Who do you know?”

  “I can’t think of them right this second, but I know there have to be some people.” Ugh, his argument was sucking. But it was true. Plenty of people in the world got married because of a pregnancy and made it work. Offhand, he couldn’t think of any, but they had to exist!

  She made a frustrated sound. “Look, if I promised you that you could be as involved with the baby as possible without having to marry me, would that satisfy you? Because I want you to know, Alec, that it’s fine by me. I never meant to ruin your life.”

  The tears were unstoppable. Like a fountain at the Bellagio in Las Vegas.

  “Stop saying that. You’re not ruining my life. Ruby…babe…I want to live with you as my wife. I want us to raise our child. Together.” He lowered his voice, trying to make her understand. “Colleen promised me a family and then when I found she’d lied, it did something to me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He looked away. He wasn’t sure what he meant. “I guess…I didn’t know how much I wanted to be a father until she took it from me.” He looked up at her. “This is my chance to do things right. To fix my life. To marry the woman I want. Please. Let me do this. It’ll be the best for everyone.”

  She gazed at him a long while, and he thought she would give in. But suddenly, she rose from the couch, like she couldn’t bear his touch. His heart sank. “Me, me, I, I,” she said. “That’s all I hear. I know you think I came into your life just to fix you, Alec. I know I represent change for you. But what about me? What about what I want?”

  Of course. How could he be so stupid to phrase his words that way? He just wanted to make sure she understood that he was good, he was happy with all this. Instead, he’d come across sounding like a selfish idiot. “Of course what you want matters,” he said, standing to follow her.

  But she held out a hand. “Then don’t follow me. And don’t come back here. I’m going to get some rest. I’ll call you soon to figure out the logistics. You know the way out.” His eyes followed her up the stairs until she was out of sight.

  His heart ached like someone had stabbed it with a butter knife. This couldn’t be the end. It couldn’t have been so short-lived. Even his mother said it, she was the one. No, she just needs space, he told himself. Time to think. He could do that. He could give her space and all the time in the world.

  But one way or another, he had to make her understand, make her believe he’d always loved her. From the moment he met her. And not just because of the baby either. But because she was the most wonderful woman in the world.

  And now, the mother
of his child.

  Chapter Seventeen

  She stood before the mirror after her shower, completely naked.

  Until this moment, she had avoided looking in the mirror. Avoided touching her belly. Avoided acceptance. There’s no way, she’d spent all week telling herself. There’s no way I’m pregnant. It has to be a mistake.

  Ruby had always been the good girl, the one with the straight As, the one who did everything right, the one who climbed to the top of her field and demanded respect. The one who took birth control even when she didn’t have a boyfriend, for God’s sake. Now that she had one, she’d somehow gotten pregnant anyway. This morning, she’d finally gotten around to calling her Ob-Gyn to confirm what the UC nurse had told her.

  That a little life was growing inside of her at this very moment.

  How many weeks was she? Five…six? If she’d had her last period the week before Alec’s fight in the locker room with Connors, then that meant she’d ovulated roughly two weeks after that around the time she and Alec had sex at his house.

  Sometimes, birth control doesn’t work, the nurse had told her when she felt like the world was crumbling down all around her. Had she started a pack late or missed a pill?

  Yes. It happened every month at least once. She’d forget to take the pill then take it as soon as possible. The lapse had to have lowered the probability of it working correctly.

  Well, there was no point lamenting it now. The damage was done. Ruby knew in her heart that she was going to go through with it. There was no other way to go. She was old enough, she had a great career, could offer the baby everything in the world, except…what about a father?

  Could she marry Alec? Yes, she was crazy about him, found him insanely sexy, and knew in her heart he would make an excellent father, but they only started dating! This was crazy. Ruby shook her head and touched her belly. She wasn’t showing yet, but her boobs looked fuller, felt more tender, a lot like being on her period. Her hips looked different, too, slightly thicker and wider. Ruby had always been well-proportioned in stature, but now she felt a bit more swollen.

  A life. A little life growing deep within her.

  It was so hard to believe.

  As alone as she felt, she knew she wasn’t. Alec knew about it, and he’d been giving her the space she needed and asked for. He’d been checking on her daily, asking how she felt and if she needed anything, but for the most part, he gave her breathing room. Finally, today, they’d talked about something other than how she felt, and she’d given him the go to sign the Sports Armour docs.

  Her father had called to congratulate her, but she didn’t feel like celebrating. Her heart tore in two knowing she was keeping a secret from her parents, but she couldn’t figure out how she would break it to them.

  Oh, hey, guys, you know my client, Alec, right? Yeah, the one who’s been getting negative press lately. Well, he impregnated me. Pass the pepper?

  There was no subtle way to do it. She was just going to have to come clean. Tell them she was pregnant and that she and the father would work it out amicably. She couldn’t marry Alec. At least not now. Deep in her heart, she knew that marrying for a baby was wrong. It was the reason Alec couldn’t marry Colleen and told her so. What would make this any different?

  No, she couldn’t ruin his life. They could co-parent and do great. It’d be fine. Marriage wasn’t necessary. Still, it burned her. Always the good girl doing everything right. Well, not this time, apparently.

  Ruby dressed and sat at her desk, hoping to focus and get some work done. Contracts needed reading, articles and social media needed perusing, and just because a tiny life was growing inside of her didn’t mean the world had to stop. Staring at a contract on her desk, Ruby felt a wave of emotion rising in her chest.

  Of course the world had to stop.

  Why was she treating this like she had a tooth cavity or a UTI that would go away?

  This was a baby, for God’s sake! A baby! And she should be happy and celebrating right now. The fact it was a surprise shouldn’t steal that happiness away from her. Alec was right—this was a time to feel joy, and she simply wasn’t letting herself. So, the next time he called to ask how she was doing and invited her to come over, this time she didn’t rebuke him.

  This time she said yes.

  From the moment Ruby walked into Alec’s house, she felt at home. From Alec handing her coffee and giving her a big hug to Henna following her everywhere meowing, Ruby felt like they were her mini family.

  “She knows,” Alec said.

  “How could she know? She’s a cat, not a sonogram technician.”

  He chuckled. “I don’t know, but cats know things, dude.” Alec looked her over carefully once they reached the kitchen, as if he wanted to touch her but was still trying to respect her space. “You look amazing, by the way.”

  “Thanks, but I feel like shit.”

  “Well, that’s understandable, but you look fabulous.” He gave her a soft smile, a sad smile. Was he sorry he’d helped put her through this? It wasn’t his fault, in case that’s what he was thinking. “Can I…” he began, then turned away and poured coffee for himself.

  “Can you what?” Ruby asked. “Touch my stomach? I guess.” She’d already accepted that she was pregnant and desperately wanted to begin enjoying this journey, come hell or high water. Married or not, she was ready to start letting Alec have a part of it, too. It was only fair.

  He put down his mug and came around the kitchen island, took her hands, and kissed the top of her head. In keeping with her overflow of emotions as of late, tears welled up in her eyes. “I won’t if you don’t want me to,” he said.

  “I do,” she said, wiping away the tears. “I do want you to.”

  “Ruby, I know this has been hard for you this week, ah, ah, ah…” he said when she put up a finger like she didn’t want to talk about it right now. “I was just going to say I’m excited. Whether or not we get married, I’m excited for this little guy or girl.”

  “Are you sure, Alec? You weren’t in that meeting. You weren’t with Colleen.”

  “I told you already, I think I was. I have been ready to be a father. It was the idea of having a child with Colleen that freaked me out. But you…” He tipped her face up and kissed away the tears on either side of her face. “You are special. You are amazing, and I hope you’ll give me a chance, Ruby, I really do.” Then, he kneeled and placed both hands on her flat tummy, pressing his cheek against her. He closed his eyes and breathed her in, breathed in the moment, and Ruby nearly erupted into fresh tears again.

  “Oh, my God, I’m like waterworks over here.” She wiped at her face with a napkin. “Is this how it’s going to be for nine months?” Yes, her intuition told her. Get ready for a ride.

  Alec then kissed her tummy and stood to hug her. No sexy kiss, a good thing, because she didn’t feel sexy at the moment. He seemed to pick up on what she needed right away, and she felt grateful for it.

  “Okay, so you ready to see what I’ve been up to all week?” His eyes grew wide and childlike.

  Ruby cocked her head. “What? What have you been up to? Alec?”

  “It’ll be awesome, I promise. Come upstairs with me,” he said as he took her hand. “I need to show you something.”

  Ruby’s intuition was working overdrive lately, and now she knew what he was probably up to. He better not have gotten a baby’s room ready. One, because she still wasn’t sure she wanted to live here with Alec, marry him, or was even ready to see a nursery yet. And two, because if she created a nursery for the baby, she wanted to do it her way.

  Guys, they didn’t know how to do a baby’s room. Heading up the stairs, she just knew he’d probably painted it in awful light pink or light blue, perhaps stuck ugly pre-bought stickers on the wall, and gotten one of those terrible plastic-y mobiles for a crib. Ugh, this was going to be bad, she just knew it. Then, she’d be in the awkward position of rejecting whatever idea he’d had.

  But when he opene
d the door to a room a few doors down from his own bedroom, it took her a moment to figure out what she was seeing. Yes, it was a nursery, as she’d expected, but it was insanely gorgeous. The room was filled with light and painted with various shades of green, the walls accented with zoo animals, like giraffes and elephants. There was even a “tree” made of fabric hanging from one corner, and beanbag “rocks” to sit on.

  Her hand over her mouth in shock, she stepped inside, her heart pounding like mad. “Alec…”

  “I wanted to surprise you. Do you like it?” He sounded unsure. “I know you didn’t want to find out the gender, so I went with gender neutral colors. You said your favorite color was green, so that’s what the designer went with.”

  All she could do was stare. It couldn’t have been more perfect had she designed it herself. Something about the room made her want to stay, work it out, raise the baby with Alec, with or without marriage, but at least living together. Possibly.

  “Ruby, you aren’t saying anything. It’s freaking me out. Are you okay?”

  She wasn’t okay, but not for the reasons he feared. Going to the crib—a beautiful piece of furniture made of walnut, the blankets a plaid with green and blue stripes, she could only touch the soft cotton sheets and choke back tears. When she stepped to the bookshelf filled with all kinds of picture books, a sob finally escaped.

  He did all this for me.

  Because he loves me, and he loves our baby.

  “Ruby?” He peered into her eyes.

  The thought only made her cry harder, especially when the next thought she had was: I’m in love with him, aren’t I? Yes, I am. Stop being stupid and accept him already.

  “Shit, Ruby, don’t cry. Why are you crying? Do you hate it? We can change whatever you want. I told the designer that the mobile was too much, but she insisted—”