Toxic

by A. C. Bextor

  To avoid getting lost in her touch and losing an opportunity to take this as mine, I move her hands above her head. She can’t touch me anymore until I’m emotionally ready for the feel of her hands exploring my skin.

  I growl softly, letting her know without words to stay in place. One hand holds her wrist while the other unclasps her bra from the front.

  Fuckin’ perfect.

  Not thinking, I release her hands and thank hell she doesn’t touch me, but she’s watching, and at this point I’m unsure which is worse. The feel of her hands exploring me the way I’m discovering her, or the feel of her eyes on me as I take off her clothes.

  Fuckin’ hell, she’s already wet for me. She’s aroused – waiting for me.

  “Jesus Christ, I can even smell you, woman. You’re all ready for me, aren’t you, baby?”

  Mace doesn’t use her words when she’s scared, upset, or nervous, and she’s not using them now, which scares me.

  “Answer me. Words, Mace, let me hear that beautiful voice.”

  Damn it, I’m being an overbearing ass. I’ve stunned her, and she blinks at my orders but answers. “Y-Yes, I’m ready.”

  She finally moves and touches me. I allow this. I’m gathered enough and I’m not scared she’s going to call this off … until she sees what I got done a few years ago. I had forgotten all about it.

  It was never appropriate to discuss my cock’s décor in front of Mace in the past, so she’s been clueless … until now.

  I hear her gasp in surprise, and she can’t bring herself to look away. The piercing underneath the head of my dick scares her. Trying to suppress a laugh, I give her a few seconds to either let it sink in or let her think she can hightail it out of here. I would catch her of course, but I want to give her an option, even as I’m making the decision for her ... she’s not leaving.

  Wrapping my arms around her to soothe away some of her stress I tell her. “Baby, it won’t hurt. It’ll just enhance your pleasure.”

  I know this look in Mace’s eyes. She’s doubting her decision based on a piece of metal that will serve her best while I’m thrusting deep inside her. I don’t give her any more time to over think this.

  Giving her a slight push onto the bed, indicating I want her to lay down, she complies and follows my lead. I’m on top of her now, feeling her entire body underneath me for the first time.

  “Are you on the pill, sweetheart?”

  I hear a small gasp escape her - I’m taking her without barrier whether she is or she isn’t; however, I want to know if she gets to feel me let go inside her, or I am facing a controlled release. This makes me a pig, which doesn’t hurt my feelings.

  “Yes, Shame. He insisted no kids, Greys…”

  Oh … fuck … no…

  “No, he is not here. He does not exist between us anymore. Do you understand? You’re mine, and I’m making you mine right fucking now. This night changes it all, Mace. Do you understand what I’m saying to you? No more Greyson, no more dates, no more any … other … man … for … you. You’re mine after this.”

  For a brief moment, I feel her slightly shutter in fear, but before giving her a chance to over think as only Mace does, I thrust myself into her.

  Fuck … she feels like silk. I knew she would. She’s perfect, pure, and beautiful both inside and out. Finally mine.

  “Mace … God, Mace. You’re here. You’re with me. You want me. I’ve waited. So fuckin’ long I’ve waited for you. You’re beautiful, give me all of you, baby.”

  She’s not responding to my words. Although I feel set free in this moment, loving her the way I am, I want to know she’s where I am. I’m in this moment, and right now it’s like I can feel, live, and breathe only for her.

  “Look at me, beautiful. Feel me taking you, holding you and filling you? Can you feel this, Mace? Sweetheart, I’m so sorry I have wasted so much time. I waited for you to see me, really see me, my beautiful Mace. I thought if you came to me one day, then I would know this was supposed to happen. I’m not a patient man, but I would have waited forever for this. Jesus, you feel so good. Thank you, thank you for trusting me enough to give me this.”

  Still … I’ve not gotten any response from her, and I can feel myself becoming more aggressive. This is how I fuck. I’m forward and direct in all aspects of my life when I want something. She knows this.

  “Fuck baby, you’re killing me. I’m going to fuck you now; you want that? I want to hear you say it. I’m going to fuck you hard and fast now, Mace.”

  I’m starting to lose my control, so I grasp her hips in my hands, using this as a distraction. “You are so tight, Jesus. Let me give you a taste of what you are doing to me. Tell me you’re mine, and then tell me you’re ready for this.”

  Instantly, she answers. I could’ve been wrong in my slow motions. Mace hasn’t been with a lot of men; it’s not in her to just give up her body to anyone. I’m unsure how many lovers she’s had in the past, but knowing that going forward she just has me, I want to give her a glimpse of the Shame she’s always known.

  “I want that. I’m yours. Always yours.”

  Fuck yes.

  She’s close. Her insides are gripping me, and if I don’t stop my motions, I’m going to leave her unsatisfied. That will not happen. I move my hand between us, finding she’s wet, but not enough to warrant my continued pace. Moving my fingers up and down her clit patiently, I hear her soft moans in my ear, just barely.

  “Harder, Shame, give me more.”

  Fuck – she’s perfect for me, in all ways.

  “Jesus Christ, woman.” I want more. “Not done yet, baby, I need more. Give me another.”

  My words alone are becoming her undoing, so I’m taking all of her. Moving both hands to her ass, I tilt her hips, knowing where I mean to aim. One hit and Mace is exploding on me, and she screams in my ear as I take her to climax.

  Before she finishes, I feel a sharp pain on my shoulder, just below the neck. Mace is marking me, but she doesn’t have to. She may feel the need to physically stain me as hers, and she can have it, but my heart beats for her.

  Rubbing her temple with my thumb and holding her face beside mine as we come down from our first high together, I’m so consumed with emotion that if I don’t talk us down through this, I may end up asking her to run away with me. Or knowing myself the way I do, I would take her away whether she chose that for herself or not.

  “Mace. Mace … God, Mace. Mine.”

  ~~~~~

  She was mine after that. The good, the bad, and the ugly. There was a lot of ugly coming our way. Some of that could have been avoided, but we learned from our mistakes. I never doubted Mace’s love for me before I took her, and I should’ve never doubted it after … but I did … and I was punished for it accordingly.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “I looked up at the mass of signs and stars in the night sky and laid myself open for the first time to the benign indifference of the world.”

  -Albert Camus

  Our first few months together weren’t quite as easy as I had imagined. Not only were we new to each other in that aspect, but we were already embedded in one another because of our past. This was a complication I hadn’t seen coming, and it fucked with my head. I knew I loved her, and I had wanted her for so long that by the time I finally got her, I was a tight string ready to snap at any other man that would ever try to touch her. The thought of losing what I just got was adding pressure to my already possessive and overprotective nature.

  Ace had pulled some shit with Hem in regards to Sadey. That man always stirred shit within the club, so it wasn’t s a surprise when Hem ordered for him to get the ass beating he deserved, maybe not to the extreme Hem took it – but still deserved. We weren’t banking on the fact that, not only would Sadey take up for him and need her own lesson of club life, but Mace would show up where she didn’t belong and cause more trouble. Women aren’t official members of this club for a reason. Sadey and Mace’s emotional displays a
re useless and only add drama where it doesn’t need to be.

  I was making my way back to the clubhouse when I was stopped by another brother’s woman. That’s when the bottom started to drop from under my feet, and I had nothing to hang on to.

  ~~~~~

  “Shame?”

  After hearing my name, I turn around and see a couple of shadows sitting on a bike in front of the clubhouse. I’m unsure who the bitch is, but I know the brother. He’s relatively new, and I haven’t had a lot of time to talk to him since my recent focus has only been on Mace.

  I’m pissed as fuck at her for showing up down at the sheds tonight. She has no reason putting her God damn nose in club business. Her being the President’s sister has nothing to do with it. Let men handle this shit. Women only add emotion and angst that we don’t need. Mace never listens.

  “Yeah?”

  “Where you goin? You goin’ in to get your girl?” The sarcasm is enough to make me want to cut a bitch.

  “Well? You got something to say, wench, it’s best you just say it.”

  “Oh no, it’s nothing. Sorry. She’s in there. Your girl is at the bar … with Gunner.”

  “What the fuck? Thanks for wasting my time.”

  “No, honey, I mean she’s with Gunner. Just saw her, and she had her lips on him. They looked pretty cozy. Thought you may want to know. Fair warning and all.”

  This has to be a mistake. No fuckin’ way would Mace do that, and sure as fuck, not with Gunner. He knows I would fuckin’ kill his prospect ass, and he’s already scared shitless anytime I’m the in same room.

  Walking towards the bar, I do see Mace - and standing next to her, close enough he could fuckin’ smell her, is Gunner. My heart is racing, and my hands are starting to shake. Darkness surrounds my vision. This can’t be happening. She wouldn’t do this, would she?

  “What the fuck you think you’re doing, Princess?”

  The nickname drips from my mouth like acid, in hopes of hurting her with just my greeting. She deserves it, guilty or not. She doesn’t say anything, though, just stares at me with empty eyes, waiting for me to take this further. If this is what she wants, it’s hers.

  “Cherry and Kegs. Let’s go.”

  My eyes don’t leave Mace as I send my request for the whores, one table over, to hear.

  Kegs comes callin’ first, with Cherry not too far behind. “What?”

  Keeping my intent look on Mace, I also continue explaining the obvious. “I said, let’s fucking go. Up to my room, out of here. I don’t care where we go, as long as I’m not having to look at anyone’s trash.” That’s what she is to me at this moment. My fear of losing her is overpowering my judgment, and I’m losing the battle to keep calm.

  Her eyes are filling with unshed tears. For what? Cause she’s caught? Maybe because this is how she’s decided that, after Hem’s little show down in the yard, I’m just as much to blame as he is. Doesn’t matter anymore. We’re done.

  “Fuck that, Shame. I may be a whore to you, and you may not think enough of me to assume I would go with you, but fuck no. You’re doing this only because you’re hating someone or something. You’re not lusting for sex. I’m not sorry for saying this, but Cherry and I have been watching you and Hem all night. You’re an asshole Shame. That woman there is way too fucking good for you.”

  I’ve never seen this. A club whore, not willing to fuck a club official. This is new. There are some here that would like to take her place, and I’m needing to get out of here, with said someone, before I lose my shit.

  Mace continues to look at me as Gunner stands behind her, still too fuckin’ close. Her eyes are pleading with me to stop, but I can’t. She set this in motion, and I can’t stay here any longer without wanting to rip him apart, physically, and tear her to shreds, emotionally.

  “Winnie and Bloom - follow me.” My voice is screaming those words, but my heart is telling an entirely different story.

  Mace, don’t do this. Don’t let me walk out of here without you. Say something, please. Make the pain stop. Get up and come to me with your anger, telling me this is a mistake.

  God, I can’t breathe.

  But she doesn’t do any of that. She’s letting me do this. Mace is well aware of my addiction to sex in order to soothe my hurt. She knows she’s the one that hurt me, so she’s not attempting to revoke my medicine in the form of two club whores.

  I remember rock bottom. I’ve been there a time or two in my life, and it was always Mace who picked me up from it. She won’t help me this time.

  Gunner gives me a puzzling look before Bloom and Winnie each take their hands to my body. They’re ready to go, and now that Mace turned her back, I guess I’m ready too. The walk to the door was symbolic for walking the plank. Knowing Mace wasn’t invested in this enough to stop me from what I was doing, leaves me feeling sick and alone. I need to be alone right now.

  Once we hit the fresh air of the night, I throw my arms out and step ahead of the girls.

  Winnie doesn’t hesitate to start planning the evening. “Good, I was hoping you’d want to play rough tonight.”

  “Not playin’. Get the fuck out of here.”

  Bloom screeches. “What? No. You invited us! Let’s go. We can go to my place if you want. All of us, right?”

  The bitches aren’t listening. Tonight, there is no medication strong enough to help cure my ache. My heart is in pieces, and I’ve yet to regain a healthy breathing pattern. I need time alone to reflect on my short time with Mace. I want to remember her while she’s still fresh in my mind.

  “Are you fuckin’ bitches stupid? What aren’t you hearin’? There is no ‘us’ tonight. Go, and don’t come back here tonight. Not a word to anyone, you hear me? You say a fuckin’ word to anyone here, and you won’t be back.”

  They look to each other in disbelief, and although I’m short on time with my temper, I need to give them a minute before I start ripping heads.

  “Fuck you, Shame.”

  “Yeah, alright.”

  Fuck Mace. Fuck them. Fuck it all.

  ~~~~~

  The next few days and weeks were a blur. Hem and I had to take some boys down to Texas in search of Switch. At that time, we had assumed he was the one that killed Doc, for reasons we still hadn’t figured out - we had no idea that Warren was running things from home. Switch was merely another one of Warren’s victims - on the run - in hiding.

  After we got back from Texas, Hem insisted we go to Shell Horns to check on the girls. He was livid when he found out Mace did specifically what he had told her not to do, and she did it with vigor.

  She’s a defiant little shit, and to be honest; that’s part of the reason I’ve always loved her. She speaks her mind, and while doing it, doesn’t hesitate to rip my ass when needed. That night though, she shredded me, and I’ve never known loneliness in that regard before. That says a lot, considering how I spent my childhood. I didn’t love my parents though; I loved her and facing life without her was too dark.

  During the long ride back, I was convinced I could fix this like I always had before. When she was younger, she would listen and hear me out. Banking on this fact, I devised a plan. I was going to talk to her, explain that what happened wasn’t what she thought and apologize for assuming the worst in her, when she’s always drawn out the best in me.

  She agreed, without words, to leave the club with me. We had just stepped out into the night air, and ten minutes later she let me go … almost forever. I hadn’t known how we would eventually end up at the time, and the unknown about fuckin’ broke me.

  ~~~~~

  “What happened in there, Shame?” She’s scared and upset as she waits for my answer. “Why are you here?”

  She wants to know why I’m here. I’m nervous to start explaining, so I create a diversion. Not a good one, but she will remember exactly what I’m talking about. If I can make her remember our past, and how good we were even then, maybe she will let me talk through this. “It was nothing, I
just saw you dancing. You and I haven’t danced together since your prom, so I wanted the chance, and I took it. You certainly didn’t move like that when you were sixteen, thank fuck.”

  Mace smiles wide. Then her laugh takes up the space between us and I’m hopeful. She does remember us. After letting out a small sigh of relief, I move my body closer and reach out to her, hesitantly, waiting for a denial. I caress her face and neck with my hand, trying to take a moment and use her calm to relax my racing heart.

  “Hem wanted to find you and Sadey. I told on you, ya know. Told him you were going out clubbing with the girls. He said no one was going back to rest until we found you. So, here we are.” She smirks at the idea that I ratted her out to her big brother. God, that face. I love her face. I love her. I need to tell her.

  “Answer the other question. Why are you here? What do you want from me? Nothing has changed; you left me Shame. Do you remember?”

  Fuck, yes - I don’t have to remember. It’s all I’ve thought about the past weeks as I sat, alone, thinking of her. Time to make my plea and hope she knows what to do with it.

  “I want you back, Mace. You know I do. You’re a stubborn little shit, and you piss me off, but God if I don’t need you.”

  Waiting for her to respond is like feeling the time stop. I can’t look at her. There’s a street light behind her, and I’m looking into it, almost asking, no pleading, for that inanimate object to make this right.

  Give her back to me. Please, give her back.

  Once I brave it, I look down at her face again. Her look of closure is like an arrow to my chest. She’s no longer with me. She’s out. And now, in the face of this, I can’t breathe.

  She starts walking away from me and heads towards Sadey’s ride, not mine. I not only want to follow her, I want to grab her, kiss her, take her home, and make love to her the way she should be loved. That’s not what she wants, and I’m running out of time.

  “Shame, I just got back from finding myself. It took me two weeks to even start to function like my old self again. I’m not trying to be dramatic here, but you ruined me. Seeing the old Shame that night, you touching and leaving with them, after you summoned them to your side and called me trash. We can’t come back from that. I know I can’t anyway.”