Joe swallowed hard. And then he nodded. ‘Yes. I want to be part of this baby’s life. Part of your life. We could be a family, Maggie, and I think... I think we could make it work.’
She was staring at him and Joe could see that she had tears in her eyes. Happy tears? He took a deep breath and forced his lips into a smile.
‘Marry me,’ he said.
CHAPTER EIGHT
IT WAS ON the tip of her tongue to say yes.
How stupid was that?
Part of her didn’t think so. The part that included her heart, which was squeezing itself so hard at the moment because when you were in love with someone, what you wanted to hear more than anything else was that they were prepared to commit to a lifetime together.
But the other part of Maggie that included her head was dismissing it in no uncertain terms and it was her head that directed her words.
‘You’ve got to be kidding,’ she said to Joe. ‘You, of all people, should know that getting married just because you’ve got a baby on the way is a totally stupid thing to do. For everybody involved, but most especially for the baby.’
She could see the flash of agreement—or maybe it was relief—in his eyes but he was frowning as well. Was he as conflicted as Maggie felt?
‘But this is different,’ he said.
‘How?’
‘We’re such good friends. We’ve known each other for years. We like each other...’
The squeeze on Maggie’s heart tightened enough to be painful. ‘Like’ was not a word she would use to describe how she felt about Joe. She couldn’t tell him that, of course. About how much she was missing him already? About how wrong she’d been to think she would never want to be anything more than friends with him? How vulnerable would you make yourself by doing that? And how crushing would it be to get reminded that he could never feel that way about her. It was kind of like having to hide those first flickers of sexual attraction because revealing them might have damaged what they had in a special friendship.
Maggie’s breath came out in a sigh. It was beyond damaged now, wasn’t it? That old, safe friendship with no complications had been blown to smithereens.
‘I love you, Maggie, you know that, don’t you? We’re best mates.’
‘Yeah...’ Maggie pressed her lips together to stop herself saying anything else.
Being prepared to commit to a lifetime together wasn’t actually the thing you wanted to hear most of all when you were in love with someone, she realised. The top of that list would be the three little words Joe had just said to her. Except he had qualified them. Diluted them into something that wasn’t enough.
Could never be enough.
Maggie could never marry anyone who hadn’t fallen into the crazy, overwhelming space that she was in, preferably at exactly the same moment. The moment when they both just knew that this was ‘it’. That they had found their person. You fell in love, everybody knew that. You weren’t friends with someone for years and years and then just woke up one day and realised that you were head over heels in love, having somehow slipped sideways into that state without noticing it happening.
So maybe what Maggie was feeling for Joe was just something to do with pregnancy hormones. Or the ripple effect from the emotional bond she was developing with this baby she had been unknowingly carrying for so long already. Whatever. Her head was in a mess. So was her heart.
‘I understand why you think it might be a good idea,’ she said slowly. ‘But you’ve actually been there, remember? You felt like your parents’ miserable marriage was your fault.’
‘Maybe ours wouldn’t be miserable. We enjoy each other’s company. We work together well. Hey...we’re the—’
‘Don’t say it,’ Maggie warned. ‘Can you hear yourself? Saying that being friends and being able to work together as some kind of “dream team” is a good enough reason to get married? Don’t you want more than that from someone you’re going to hopefully spend the rest of your life with? Something like romance? Passion, even? Because I sure do.’
She slotted the photographs back into their envelope.
‘I’m not going to shut you out, Joe,’ she added. ‘You’re this baby’s father and you can be as much a part of his or her life as you want to be, but I’m not going to marry you. I’m not going to marry anyone who isn’t as much in love with me as I am with him.’
Oh, help...did that sound like a confession? No, it was just a general statement. Maggie wasn’t even sure she could trust the notion that she was in love with Joe any more given that it could just be crazy hormones. It was Joe himself who’d said that hormones always wore off. He might have been talking about the kind of hormones involved with falling in love, but surely pregnancy hormones didn’t last the whole nine months?
She needed time, anyway. She had barely started getting her head around the fact that she was going to become a mother. Sorting out how she really felt about Joe might need to go on the back burner, although the idea that they could salvage the foundation of their friendship was very welcome.
Joe seemed to be in agreement.
‘Fair enough,’ he said. ‘And you’re right. As usual...’
The smile didn’t look as forced this time—the way it had when he’d proposed to her. It looked like a smile she’d seen on Joe’s face countless times. A genuine, warm smile.
The smile she loved. How could she not smile right back?
* * *
It was so good to see a smile on Maggie’s face again.
She’d looked so upset the last time he’d seen her, in that shocking confrontation when he had found out he was going to become a father. Today, in the dim light of the ultrasound room, she’d looked flat—as if she’d had the stuffing knocked out of her. And she’d looked so wary when he’d offered to buy her a coffee. Had she expected him to have another go at her?
Another unexpected thing had happened when he’d been looking at those images of the baby. Not just the feeling of being connected and close to tears and wanting to protect that tiny being. Maybe it had been the wash of how powerful those feelings were that had made any residual anger about all of this fade enough to seem insignificant.
He hadn’t been betrayed. He believed Maggie had genuinely thought they were safe. And accidents happened. This could have happened with any of the women who’d been part of his life in the past and, if anything, he was lucky that it had happened with Maggie. Other women might have expected—demanded, even—the public commitment of marriage, but it was the last thing that Maggie wanted and she was right.
They’d known all along that they weren’t meant to be life partners. Joe had to admit that the offer had been impulsive. He had personal experience of exactly what kind of fallout there could be from using an accidental pregnancy as a good reason to get married. He was relieved that Maggie had turned him down. It felt like a lot of pressure had just been lifted off his shoulders.
It wasn’t unusual to co-parent these days without being in any kind of relationship with the other parent and if they were on friendly terms that had to be immeasurably easier. He and Maggie had been very good friends and this smile they were sharing now felt like the first step back to that friendship.
‘I’d be bad husband material, anyway.’ Joe’s smile faded. ‘I’m going to be homeless pretty soon if I don’t get on with finding a new place to live.’
‘What? What’s happened to your apartment?’
‘The building’s being emptied. They’ve got to do some major strengthening. It’s been identified as an earthquake risk.’
‘We’ve got a spare room at the flat. We still haven’t found a replacement for Cooper. If you get desperate, I’m sure everybody would be happy if you used the room. Until you found a place of your own.’
‘Hmm...’ Joe glanced sideways at Maggie. Those last words had revealed that Maggie had made the offer befor
e she’d really thought through any consequences.
It could be very awkward. The reminder of the physical relationship they hadn’t actually officially ended would be there between them all the time. And, okay, it probably was over now but that wouldn’t stop the memories, would it?
Those flashes of sensation—one of which Joe was experiencing right now—that reminded him of just how amazing sex with Maggie was. Oh, man...he felt guilty for even thinking about that when there were far more important things he should be facing. Like taking responsibility for the child he had fathered. Like finding himself somewhere to live.
‘I think it’s fate,’ he told Maggie. ‘I’m thirty-seven. I’ve been saving money for a long time without making a sensible investment. Maybe it’s time I bought a real house. Something a bit more child-friendly than an apartment, anyway. With a garden, perhaps?’
Did Maggie realise that he was talking about something more than simply a house? It was difficult to try and explain something he didn’t understand himself, though. Those feelings during that ultrasound. That he’d understood that Maggie already loved this baby because...he’d felt at least something similar to that himself. ‘And a swing,’ he added, his voice cracking just a little. ‘For...when this kid comes to visit his dad, you know?’
Maggie was silent for a long moment. When she finally raised her gaze to meet Joe’s he’d never seen an expression like that on her face before. It looked like total amazement, laced with...hope? Excitement? Except that there was something else there as well. Something that made him want to hug her and tell her that everything was going to be okay.
He’d seen Maggie’s face glowing plenty of times but not like this. As if her normal confidence was nowhere to be found. As if she was stepping onto new ground and it was scary and she couldn’t quite believe that someone was offering to keep her company.
Joe wanted to do more than keep Maggie company. He wanted to keep her safe.
It felt perfectly natural to put his arm around her shoulders and pull her sideways for a quick hug.
‘We’ll work this out,’ he said. ‘Together. You’ll see.’
* * *
‘So I don’t have to be stuck in the basement with Danny, helping out with supplies all the time. I’m allowed to use one of the SUVs for first response if the base gets asked for assistance. I just have to wait for backup for any lifting.’ Maggie sighed as she poured hot water over the tea bag in her mug in Aratika’s staffroom. ‘I told Don I’d be much happier on a bike. It’s so much quicker to get through traffic that way.’
‘Are you still riding your bike?’ Cooper sounded surprised as he looked up from where he was peering over Joe’s shoulder at the screen of his phone.
‘Don’t go there,’ Joe warned. ‘I tried suggesting that it might not be such a good idea last week and I got my head bitten off.’
‘Oh, sorry... I wasn’t thinking.’ Cooper turned back to the phone. ‘I got the same lecture from Fizz. Pregnancy is not an illness. Women can work until they go into labour if that’s what they want to do. Aye...that one, mate.’ He reached forward to point at the screen. ‘It looks awesome.’
‘My obstetrician says I can carry on with anything that I normally do.’ Maggie kept her tone level. She had enough changing in her life right now without being pressured to give up her beloved bike just yet. ‘That I’ll know when it’s time to stop because it’s getting uncomfortable. Apart from the heavy lifting, of course.’
‘And keeping out of the way of any aggressive patients,’ Joe muttered. ‘Or hazardous accident scenes.’
Cooper chuckled. ‘You’re getting onto thin ice. Maggie’s sensible. You can trust her judgement.’
‘True.’ Joe looked up and Maggie couldn’t help her breath catching as those warm hazel eyes captured her own gaze. Since they’d shared that appointment for the first ultrasound examination of their baby, they had been tentatively restoring their friendship, step by step—hopefully along with the trust that had been implicit.
Not the extra, physical side that had been added into that friendship, of course. How could they, when it was the reason they were both facing a very different future from the one they might have been expecting? But it was a good start. They could talk to each other at work, even though that currently seemed to consist of Maggie demanding every detail of the more interesting cases Joe had been deployed to, usually with one of the HEMS doctors like Tom or Adam as his crew partner.
He’d had a job yesterday where a hunter had fallen down a steep bank onto rocks in thick forest in the Rimutaka Ranges.
‘Why couldn’t you winch in to the scene? Was it too windy?’
‘How far did you have to walk? Did you have any help to carry the gear?’
‘You had to abseil down to the patient? Wow...how did that go?’
‘What else did you find on the secondary survey? Did he have abdominal as well as chest injuries?’
‘So how did you deal with the failed intubation attempt? Did you try more padding to adjust the positioning? How fast was the swelling obscuring what you could see?’
Joe understood how much Maggie was missing being on the front line and it was becoming their new normal—to have a debrief even though Maggie hadn’t been to the job, the way they would have if they’d managed the case together.
‘Yeah, I had to use padding to get the earlobe in line with the sternal notch but it was difficult. It was getting dark already and we were down a cliff in the middle of a forest. Maybe we should have considered a tracheostomy earlier. It was touch and go there for a while. What would you have done?’
Right now, the expression in Joe’s eyes suggested that he would welcome her opinion on something else.
‘So...come and see what you think of this house,’ he said. ‘It’s up on the hill. Not far from where Cooper and Fizz live.’
‘It’s a great suburb.’ Cooper nodded. ‘There’s a good crèche nearby and a primary school. We’ve got it all sussed.’
Maggie stepped forward to look at the images Joe was scrolling through on a real estate website. She had to resist the urge to lean close enough to be touching his shoulder or to let a stray curl of his hair brush her cheek.
These waves of longing had to be controlled until her wayward hormones had settled down and the swirls of confusion had cleared and she could totally believe that she wasn’t in love with him. It was enough for now that Joe was no longer angry with her. That he believed she hadn’t deliberately set out to get pregnant and that he was willing to become involved as a responsible parent.
Except it didn’t feel like enough. The confused part of Maggie’s head—and heart—was telling her that she wanted more. That she was fighting a losing battle by pretending it was something temporary that would wear off soon. And those messages were in conflict with others that were reminding her that Joe would definitely not want more. That the fragility of the new relationship they were forging would be very easy to damage and that new damage on top of the recent trauma would spell the end of any trust between them.
She focussed on the screen. The house being advertised for sale was an old weatherboard villa with a big veranda wrapping around two sides of the house and a room with a turret on the corner.
‘It’s gorgeous,’ she said. ‘Like a little castle. But it’s huge...’
‘It’s divided into two flats,’ Joe said. ‘Which means I could rent half of it out which will help pay the mortgage.’
‘The harbour view’s amazing.’
‘And the garden. Look at that.’
‘Bit of work there,’ Cooper warned. ‘Do you really want to spend your days off mowing lawns and weeding gardens? When will you find time for your windsurfing?’
Maggie couldn’t miss the slight hesitation before Joe spoke. ‘Things change,’ he said quietly. ‘And sometimes the new things are worth giving up other stuff for.’
/>
Was that a doubtful note she detected in his voice? Sad, even? No...it sounded more like Joe was getting used to the big changes to his life that were coming. That he was prepared to embrace them. Mind you, it was hard to imagine him giving up the freedom of skimming waves to be that domesticated.
‘It’s a lot different to your modern apartment,’ she said. ‘Old houses take a lot more housework. And maintenance.’
‘Looks in pretty good nick to me. It’s been rewired. And painted.’
‘Photos can be very deceptive. You’ve learned that much in a couple of weeks’ house-hunting, surely?’
Joe grunted. ‘I’m running out of time. You know what?’ He tapped the screen. ‘I’m going to call the agent and set up a viewing. Come with me, Maggie.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you’re good to talk about things with. Bounce ideas off. And I can trust your judgement, that’s why.’
‘Management of the case of a house instead of a patient? With an extensive debrief?’
Joe’s smile told her she had hit the nail on the head. ‘You up for it?’
‘Sure.’
Maggie kept her tone light but that confusing swirl of messages and feelings ramped up a notch. She couldn’t let Joe recognise the magnetic pull that made the prospect of spending time alone with him so compelling but she almost resented the sensible part of her brain that was warning her this might not be a good idea. That she could be putting roadblocks or, at the very least, diversions in the way of sorting out what her real feelings were and how she was going to deal with them. Surely spending more time with Joe was exactly what would help to sort the mess in her head and her heart?
‘This definitely sounds like a project that needs the attention of the “dream team”,’ she added jokingly. ‘Just let me know where and when.’
* * *
The house was beautiful.
With polished wooden floors, high ceilings with ornate plasterwork and rooms big enough to seem totally indulgent by modern standards, it was a glorious example of an early New Zealand villa.
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