by Jillian Hart
“She’s still sleeping. I think. She’s refusing to talk to me.”
“What? I thought she was looking forward to you being here.”
“This is going to take some adjustment, Jake. I’m not her mother, and yet I’m telling her what to do and taking care of her. It’s going to be hard.”
“She wasn’t rude to you, was she? She was so glad on the nanny’s last day. I’ll talk to her.”
Rachel realized Jake didn’t understand. Because he’d never been in Sally’s position? Or because he saw his new wife as just another nanny with housekeeper skills? He couldn’t be that cruel, right?
She flipped the pancakes, considering this man she’d thought was so wonderful. He was wonderful. Strong and decent and tender. His kisses were tender. A bad man didn’t kiss like that, at least, she didn’t think one could. His kisses felt like a perfect sunrise on a cold morning, chasing away the night shadows and giving light where there was none. They made her spirit lift like those quiet sweep of clouds at dawn, washed in a heavenly gold.
“Do I have a few minutes before breakfast is ready?”
She nodded as she checked the pancakes with the edge of the spatula. It was easier to concentrate on her cooking. Strange, this felt more like working in the diner than cooking for her family.
He set down his cup. Maybe he was going to kiss her now and hold her tight. Tell her how much he’d missed her. “Then I’m gonna grab a fast shower. Do I have ten minutes?”
She forced a nod, unable to believe her eyes as her new husband pivoted on his boot heel and bounded up the stairs, all soldier. But not a newlywed.
She already knew where he was going. As she sipped her coffee, she listened as his heavy step on the stairs without hesitation turned right and sounded directly overhead. He was not in the master bedroom, but the one where his clothes were. His room.
His room. She didn’t understand. The diamonds on her left hand sparkled as if in celebration, tearing at her even more. He didn’t use the shower in the main bathroom upstairs. She could hear the boards overhead squeaking slightly beneath his weight as he came and went. She heard the door to his room close, and she didn’t understand. Married people shared a room. They were together. They were loving. If he didn’t want to be with her, then what did that mean?
It means you may have made a mistake, Rachel. The sick feeling she’d been fighting all night returned. She flipped the last batch of pancakes, plated them and turned off the burner. She was hardly aware of anything but the footsteps overhead as Jake dressed and then ambled down the hallway. Coming closer.
She set out the last of the butter, moving woodenly, feeling cold inside because she knew what was coming. Whether they talked about it now or later tonight, it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but the truth.
The ring glittered, mockingly this time, taunting her as shame gathered in her stomach. She was married. That was a final, done deal. She’d vowed to honor this man before God, and so she would. The question was, what kind of marriage would this be? She’d been so eager to fulfill her dream that she’d accepted Jake’s proposal without asking questions that now seemed vital.
He emerged from the shadows in the stairwell, looking heart-stoppingly handsome, striding easily toward her like a well-honed athlete. His cropped hair was jet-black, still wet from his shower, and his jaw was smooth-shaven. Even in jogging shorts and a tank, he looked fierce and capable, as though there wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle.
He did not look like the man who’d rescued her from Bullwinkle. Or who’d cradled a little grieving girl against his wide chest. Or a man who’d romanced her with roses and kindness and charm. That man was gone, she realized. A warrior was in his place, and she did not know this man. Was her Jake in there somewhere, she wondered, deep inside the toughness and steel?
“You are awesome, Rachel.” He grabbed the syrup bottle she’d placed on the breakfast bar and upended it over his plate. One hard squeeze of his mighty hand was enough to make the maple sweetness shoot out like water. “I can’t tell you how great this is. I’m starving. I am so glad I married you.”
She felt the cup slip out of her clumsy fingers, but she didn’t hear it hit the floor. Blood rushed through her ears, and like an ocean’s tidal wave surging up to wash her away, it drowned out every sound. Jake looked startled, but she waved him away, emotion wedged in her throat so she couldn’t speak. She grabbed at the roll of paper towels but tugged too hard and the roll jumped across the counter, unrolling as it went.
Her vision blurred as hot tears filled her eyes. A voice inside her was saying, “He didn’t mean that the way it sounded. This isn’t as bad as you think.” But it was.
She hadn’t been married twenty-four hours and it was so different from what she’d thought. It fell so far short of what she’d imagined. There was no companionable happiness, no affection and conversation and togetherness, and the dream of it shattered at her feet and lay in pieces, right along with the cup.
“Baby, let me get that—”
“I’ve got it,” she croaked, her voice sounding raw and broken as her dreams. Blinding hot tears scalded her eyes as she gave the paper towels another yank and this time the paper tore away. She had way too many lengths, but she didn’t care. She wadded them up quite as if she saw them, as if everything were perfectly fine, and knelt at Jake’s feet to swipe up the mess. Ceramic edges clanked together as she swiped. “Go on and finish your meal.”
“No, you aren’t fine.” He knelt and she could feel the tender wave of his concern. He was so close, she could lean forward a few inches and she’d be able to lay her cheek on the chest she knew felt as solid as steel. But she would not lay her troubles there. She could not find the words to tell him her fears. Or how foolish she’d been.
“This is about me leaving last night. It was unfortunate timing.”
“Trust me, that is not an issue. I told you I understood. I knew about your commitment to this country when I agreed to marry you.” But what about his commitment to her? This was a man who’d swept her off her feet, told her how wonderful she was, told her everything she’d wanted to hear. It was a man who’d stood before God and vowed to honor and cherish her, to love her and care for her. Surely he’d meant that. Surely he had.
She blinked back every tear. Swiped up every piece of ceramic and coffee spill, feeling as if she were mopping up what was left of her lost dreams, too.
“Tell me. Please.” Jake took the sodden paper towels and broken shards from her and set them on the counter. He towered over her, so strong and distant and remote. Then held out his hand to help her up.
Oh, it felt right when her palm met his. The twist of her heart. The sigh of her soul. It was a new day, this would be their first full day as man and wife. Surely, she could trust him. She came into his arms, he folded her close, and she was home. “I guess I need reassuring.”
“Then I’m you’re man. What do you need, baby?”
Oh, she liked it when he talked like that, with his voice a low rumble in his throat. “I noticed how your things were in the extra bedroom and then Sally had said you’d married me just to take care of her.”
She felt him stiffen. She heard his heartbeat flutter. He wasn’t saying anything.
This can’t be right. She pushed away from him and kept going. A cold chill swept through her, and she shivered as hard as if she’d stepped out into a Montana blizzard without a coat on. “You didn’t marry me to be a nanny, right? This is a real marriage. You’ll be with me, tonight, forever, right?”
“Rachel, I thought we would both need our space. That’s all. I can move my stuff back.”
“That’s not what I want. Not like this. You’re acting as if this is a convenient arrangement, something practical and sensible because you’re leaving in two weeks and you’ll be gone for the next six months. Tell me that’s not true.” She watched his eyes harden. Felt the answer in his silence.
The tiniest hope within her faded. Despair shroude
d her like a cocoon. Everything around her seemed distant and dim and muffled. Everything within her turned to ice until there was no pain, only a void where no wishes live, and no dreams prosper.
“It’s not exactly true.” His words sounded choked, as if he were in great pain, too. “I can’t lie to you, Rachel. I value you too much.”
“Value me? You married me to watch your niece and cook your meals. You sent me roses. You romanced me. You made me fall in love with you and believe that I was special to you. That I was your one true love.”
He broke at the sight of her tears. What had happened? He would never want to hurt her. He hadn’t hurt her, not really, and yet tears pooled in her eyes and he could feel her heartbreak as mightily as if he’d taken a bullet in the chest for her. He would take a bullet for her, he would protect her with his life. But he could not make her understand. “There is no such thing as true love. I’ve been all around the globe, and I haven’t seen it.”
She recoiled as if he’d slapped her in the face, and he couldn’t say why but he could feel the shock of it in her battered heart—her heart that he was hurting.
That wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to keep her safe and protect her. To shelter her and make her happy. He’d married her, he would give her all he could.
Except your heart, a tiny voice inside him whispered. And it was the truth. A truth he could not deny. He’d shielded up his heart so well, that not war or evil or the horrors he’d witnessed could touch it. Only this woman and her gentle kindness had come close. He’d protected his heart so long, he didn’t know if he could do anything else.
All he knew for sure was that he could feel Rachel’s hurt as surely as the ocean breeze on his face and hear her heartbreak in the brittle sound of the palm leaves overhead. The bright blue Gulf shimmered like jewels in the first sunlight and he swiped the pain from his eyes. He had to fix this. He took a step toward her, sure that all he needed to do was to comfort her in his arms.
She took two steps back, looking up at him as if he was a stranger she didn’t know.
He definitely had to fix that. “You are special to me. More than I know how to say. Don’t you know that I’d do anything for you, anything you need?”
“Then tell me that you love me. Really love me. Tell me the truth.”
He could not say the words. He was afraid that they would diminish him, tear down the core of steel he had to have to be a good soldier. But he wanted to. He wished he could surrender. “I’ve loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.”
“That’s not the same.”
“I’ll do my best to be a good husband to you, but you know that it’s not roses and horse rides and starlight, right? Any marriage is a practical arrangement.”
“A practical arrangement?” She said the words with a look of horror twisting across her beautiful face. A face that did not stop gazing up at him with all the light draining from her loving eyes, and taking that affection with it.
Failure shattered him. He was failing at this, the most significant thing that had ever happened to him. This woman was his wife, the woman who meant more than anything, and he was failing her. Failure was not an option in his world. Nor was softness. Help me, Lord. I’m drowning here.
Her eyes were liquid sadness. She turned away from him and his silence and all the words he could not say and things he could not be and stared down the beach. Two units down, the neighbor was noisily putting up a six-foot ladder. The aluminum clang echoed like a gunshot over the hush of the tide on the shore. The guy was putting Christmas lights on a palm tree in his yard. His wife came outside, holding two cups of coffee, and told him in a soft voice to be quiet. His answer was good-hearted, but the breeze carried his words away.
Jake felt his world fracture even more as he watched his neighbor hop down from the ladder to join his pretty wife at their small patio table. That’s what he wanted, that kind of closeness, that connection, and he was afraid of it. He could admit that now. Afraid to place so much stock in something that could not be seen or conquered, only felt. Afraid to take down the shield that had kept him safe through over a decade in his career and leave his heart and soul completely unprotected.
He took a few steps after her out of the open doorway and onto the cement patio. How did he do it? How did he start? The titanium he’d closed around his heart began to buckle. “I didn’t want to rush you.”
“What?” She turned to study him over her shoulder, confusion on her face and tears on her cheeks.
I made her cry. Nothing could seem more horrible. He didn’t want to hurt Rachel ever. He would never do so again. He took a step toward her, the warrior in him unable to figure out how to attack and win this fight.
He’d need his heart for that. His whole heart, unshielded and vulnerable. “The separate bedrooms. I rushed you into marriage. I wasn’t sure if you would be ready for a real wedding night.”
“That you even have to ask that is so wrong.” She only seemed more upset. “Do you understand? I thought you married me to love me. I thought you saw in me—” Her face twisted in sheer agony and she turned her back on him. Her hands went to her face and her shoulders shook. That you saw in me someone to truly love.
How could she tell him that? He didn’t understand, she’d seen that clearly on his face. He thought she’d be grateful for a practical arrangement. It made sense, she realized. It all made sense. How he overlooked her faults and asked the right questions to find out how desperately she just wanted to be married.
What she did not tell him was how sacred she believed marriage to be. She meant her vows, heart and soul, those vows that were the strongest on earth. To love and cherish through hardship and trial, to find love in your heart without fail.
And he wanted a nanny and a cook. The sunrise splashed stunning bright colors across the waiting sky, and the pure golden light that followed dawn seemed to mock her, for she felt as if there could be no more sunshine in her world, no more beautiful days and bright clear skies. How could she have made such a monumental mistake?
“Rachel?” He was behind her, his hand on her shoulder, his touch more calming than anything on this earth. He leaned close and she shivered with longing for what could not be.
His lips brushed her cheek as he spoke quietly, as if they were in church, as if they were the only two people on a beach in paradise. “I love you.”
“But you said—” She choked on a sob. She couldn’t believe him, not anymore. He’d tricked her, or so it seemed. But maybe she’d tricked herself in believing in fairy tales to begin with.
“I want my happily-ever-after to be with you, Rachel Hathaway.” His voice sounded strangled, and his strong hands caught her around the waist and turned her in his arms. “I married you for Sally, it’s true, but I married you for me even more. I n-need you.”
“N-no,” she sputtered on a heart-wrenching sob. “You want a p-practical m-marriage.”
“Only because I’m dumb and I thought it would be safer. But I’m starting to get this marriage thing.” Jake shook all over. He’d never done anything so terrifying in his life. But for Rachel’s happiness, he would do anything, even tell her the truth that terrified him.
He would show her the part of him that he trusted to no one. The shields fell, all defenses were abandoned. He could not protect his heart at the cost of hers. “I love you more than my pride or my life or my very being, and it scares me. More than anything ever has. Can you understand that?”
The sadness ebbed from her beautiful eyes.
“Nothing in my life—no one—could ever mean as much to me as you. I love you. I’ll say that as many times as it takes for you to believe it. I intend to honor and cherish you, above myself, above all my fears and my stubborn pride. I am trusting you with my heart. Can we make this marriage of ours all you’ve dreamed of?”
“I think it already is. Now.” The warm ocean lapped at her toes as the hush of the morning seemed to reassure her. She saw her future being loved by this
strong, tender man. His kiss was like paradise; his embrace like eternity. She thanked the Lord for this beautiful dream of love come true.
Jake took her hand and led her through the sand toward the open sliding door, where Sally would need to be woken up and breakfast eaten. The demands of the day remained but for them, there were only blue skies ahead.
ISBN: 978-1-4268-8394-1
BLESSED VOWS
Copyright © 2005 by Jill Strickler
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*The McKaslin Clan
