Finding Pride

by Jill Sanders

  It seemed that every day there was a Jordan in her house, bringing or making food. They even helped her on several occasions with the cabins. She enjoyed feeling like part of their family and truly felt blessed. She looked forward to their daily visits.

  The next few days were filled with contractors coming and going. The work was a long, slow process for her, but she managed with Todd and Iian’s help to start painting the last cabin herself with the sprayer she’d purchased.

  They had shown up one day and helped her prepare and tape all the rooms for painting. She had rented a sander for the floors, and Iian had taken to it like it was the coolest toy he’d ever seen. Before she could even blink, he had the remaining two cabin floors sanded and ready to stain. She had really wanted to try the sanding machine out herself, but she couldn’t complain about the help. Every time Iian came, he brought wonderful sandwiches and soup for all the workers, which of course, put everyone in a better working mood.

  Iian brought over food one afternoon after a hard morning of work. They sat on the front porch eating at her small table and talking about what she should plant in her garden, when an old blue truck drove up and parked in the drive.

  Megan was excited to see Allison step out and wave up to them. Allison had on a white dress that flowed when she walked, making her look even taller than before. “I’ve got your paintings here,” she called up.

  “Oh! Good!” Megan hopped up and started down the stairs, when she realized Iian was still sitting on the chair. He was looking at Allison with a funny look on his face, and his whole body was tense. Megan turned back to him. “You know Allison Adams? She brought the paintings I bought from her. Can you help us get them from the truck?” she asked.

  He nodded and followed her down the stairs.

  “Hi, Iian.” Allison paused from pulling out one of the larger paintings. She had jumped into the bed of the truck and was handing the paintings down.

  Iian nodded. Megan thought it was strange how he was acting, but then she noticed all the pictures wrapped with brown paper, and she forgot about it.

  “Oh, the frames came in. Wow. That was fast.” She began ripping off the paper on the one she held. “Oh, they look so professional,” Megan said, holding it up. Iian looked over her shoulder at the painting, noticing the small signature in the corner, and then looked back up at Allison with shock registering on his face.

  “I really like the look of this small one that you had matted and framed,” Allison said, holding it up and walking to the back of the truck. Iian quickly walked over and helped her down from the bed of the truck. When Megan noticed that his hands stayed on Allison’s hips a little longer than necessary, she quickly looked away, smiling to herself.

  “You did these?” Iian asked in a quiet voice.

  Allison nodded and visibly blushed, then went back to moving the paintings to the edge of the truck. Iian had his hands shoved into his pockets and was staring at a rock by his foot.

  When all the art was moved safely into the house and unwrapped, she asked, “Would you like to stay for lunch? Iian has enough food to feed a small army.”

  “Oh, well, I don’t want to interrupt your lunch…” Allison broke off, looking back and forth between Iian and Megan.

  Megan noticed the quick looks and almost laughed. Realizing that her back was to Iian, she quickly assured Allison that Iian was only a good friend. When Allison took a quick step back towards the door, she realized that the girl was scared and very nervous. “I would really enjoy the company.”

  “Oh, well, I guess.” Allison’s voice dropped off as she looked over at Iian again.

  “Good,” Megan interrupted. “Come on, we were just eating out on the front porch.”

  Iian no longer talked out loud. Instead, he would sign to Megan slowly enough for her to understand. She had learned the alphabet and basic words enough to get along.

  “This chicken is very good,” Allison said to Iian. He nodded in reply and smiled slightly, handing her a roll.

  Todd had mentioned that Iian only talked around people he felt comfortable around. He looked very uncomfortable now and within five minutes of finishing his plate, he was back up and signing that he had to go to work. Then he left quickly and quietly.

  Allison stayed for another hour, helping Megan hang some of the pictures in the house. The ones for the cabins would have to be hung after she was done painting.

  She enjoyed Allison’s company, and she told Allison that her friend who owned the gallery, Ric Derby, was interested in seeing some of her paintings. She had called him right after her first visit with Allison. He’d been excited to know that Megan had moved to the west coast and was looking forward to her visit. It had seemed to her that he’d been more interested in seeing her than Allison’s paintings, but she didn’t pass that information on to Allison. Allison said she was excited about having a professional’s opinion of her art.

  After Allison left for the evening, Megan took a walk. She enjoyed the cool evenings, and there was a footpath that she’d discovered not too long ago that led to a small pond. The pond sat at the corner of her property where it joined with the Jordan’s property and the property of her other neighbors, the Bells.

  She enjoyed her walks to the beach, but the pond was closer, and she found it more soothing. Tonight the water was quiet and surreal. She’d taken several walks there, sometimes taking along a book to read as she sat on a big flat rock by the water. Fat frogs jumped around the water’s edge, and once, Megan had seen a deer drinking on the other side of the pond.

  She could just imagine this place as magical. She thought the dragonflies could turn into small fairies, like in Allison’s paintings, when no one was looking. The frogs could turn into princes, who would spend their days lying around the pond, lazily enjoying the water.

  Currently, it was almost too dark to see any frogs or dragonflies. The sun had yet to go down, but the trees sheltered the trail from the sun’s light. Megan had grabbed the flashlight and one of Matt’s old jackets, knowing that it would be dark before she returned to the house. She felt safe in this place, peaceful. It had been a long time since she’d felt like doing nothing. Her life had been pretty busy in the city. She’d always been on the go, running errands, working, or just hiding from Derek.

  Now, as she took her place on the rock to overlook the water, she imagined life like this years from now. Would she be sitting here by herself? Did she want to be sitting here by herself? She knew she wasn’t quite ready for a relationship. She knew it would take a lot for her to be able to trust someone, especially a man. But she didn’t want to live life not having faith in the good of mankind.

  Sure, she had a rough past, and her luck with men was terrible. But looking back on Matt’s life gave her some hope. Men like Matt did exist and she’d known a few other good people in her life.

  Her old boss, Mr. Martin, was one of them. He had always been very kind to her. Ric Derby, the owner of the Blue Spot Galleries, an account she had worked on in the past, had been wonderful to her also.

  Iian was another one. He was always a fun conversationalist and she never felt scared around him. He always went out of his way to make her smile. She enjoyed that he flirted with her; it had been a long time since she had felt attractive. Even though he was a few years younger than she was, Megan enjoyed the attention.

  And then there was Todd. She couldn’t quite get a handle on him. She was desperately attracted to him and that scared her. He made her feel like a bundle of nerves, but he was kind and showed her gentleness that she’d never seen in a man. The way he had rubbed her back that night had given her things to dream about, and dream about them she had.

  Her last dream had been so real, she’d woken up still feeling his hands on her. Smiling to herself, she replayed it in her mind.

  It had started out with her sitting on the front porch, swinging on the swing. Todd had ridden across the field on a huge black horse. Saying nothing, he dismounted in
one fluid motion, walked up the stairs and pulled her up into his arms. Then he carried her into the house and gently laid her down on a soft bed covered with pink rose petals. His lips branding her, his hands had parted the white dress she was wearing and then they wreaked havoc on her skin, causing her body to bow and heat.

  When he’d bent his head to kiss her breast, she had woken. Her skin had tingled and her nipples were hardened, waiting for the wet feel of his mouth. She’d been so sure that she could still feel his hands on her, she’d reached up and touched just there.

  Then Megan heard a loud snort, and her eyes darted up. There across the pond sat Todd on the biggest black horse she’d ever seen. It was like they’d just stepped out of her dream. Megan blinked a few times to make sure the image didn’t disappear on her. He sat bareback on the beast and looked like the romantic figure her dream had created.

  When they started walking around the pond towards her, she quickly got up off her perch and dusted her pants off. Her heart was still racing from remembering her dream, and she felt flushed. Her hands were shaking, and she was not quite sure what to do with them, so she shoved them deep into the pockets of Matt’s old jacket.

  “Good evening, Megan,” Todd said, jumping down from the horse. His movements were fluid and she could see his muscles flex under his light T-shirt when he reached and pulled the reins over the horse’s head.

  “Hi,” she said. “Who is this enchanting creature?” she asked walking over to the beast.

  “He’s very friendly,” he said when he saw her reach her hand out then quickly pull it back when Chester let out a soft snort.

  Todd reached down and, putting her hand in his, pulled them up to Chester’s mane together.

  Chester let out a soft breath and then nuzzled Megan’s shoulder.

  “Oh, he’s such a nice, handsome gentleman.” She laughed when Chester nibbled at her pockets.

  “He thinks you have sugar cubes.” Todd pulled two from his pocket and transferred them to her hand. “Keep your hand flat like this,” he said, holding her hand in his while the beast licked her fingers clean. She smiled up at Todd. His head was bent towards hers, his eyes laughing, and her breath caught.

  He bent his head down and was a breath away when Chester pushed against her shoulder again. He quickly caught her as she fell into his arms, laughing. “I think he wants more,” she murmured.

  “Mmm, my turn,” Todd said, just before he claimed her lips in a soft kiss.

  Chester let out a low nicker and then started grazing on the sweet grass nearby.

  He kept the kiss soft until she let out the smallest of moans and wrapped her arm around him. Then he dragged her closer and plundered her lips.

  Their tongues began dueling a battle they both enjoyed. His hands had been on her hips, but now they started to roam her small frame. He reached under her jacket with shaking hands and cupped her as his other hand pressed her closer.

  Megan was back in her dream, the smells and tastes coming back to her. His hands just there and his mouth hot on hers. When he reached down to unbutton the first few buttons of the jacket, she pulled her head back, giving him access.

  His lips left her mouth to trail down her neck, slowly descending towards his destination. He pulled the buttons loose on her shirt and opened the neckline to expose the white skin underneath. She wore nothing underneath tonight, and when he saw her, he groaned.

  He pulled back and looked at her. “You look so beautiful,” he whispered. He had pushed the jacket off her and it pooled at her feet, exposing her skin to him. He bent his head and claimed her with his lips.

  His mouth was warm and set off sparks on her cooled skin. He reached over and played lightly with her other nipple, which hardened instantly. When he pulled her down to the soft grass, she went willingly.

  She could smell the sweet grass as they crushed it underneath them. She felt his lips roaming over her and enjoyed the feel of him tugging lightly on her nipples.

  She arched her back so he would have better access and gripped his shoulder tightly. She moved her cast arm further out of the way so it was lying on the grass beside her.

  Todd’s weight pinned her to the grass as he enjoyed her skin, causing goose bumps on the exposed skin. His hips were pressed up against hers, and she felt his hardness against her hip. She rubbed her hip over him and he let out a moan.

  Pulling his head back, he looked down at her face.

  “Megan,” he began, but then Chester stuck his nose between them. Megan let out a laugh and turned her face away from the wet sloppy kisses Chester was placing on her forehead.

  Laughing, Todd pushed Chester away. “Go get your own filly, this one’s taken.” The horse let out another snort and continued his search for sugar cubes by pushing his head in between the pair again.

  Todd rolled up, pulling Megan with him, putting his body in front of Chester. Megan quickly pulled her shirt back together and avoided Todd’s eyes.

  “Megan, I’m sorry,” he began. He bent down and picked up the jacket, brushing it off and handing it to her.

  She stared back at him. “Oh, no, I mean, I’m not sorry for that,” he said quickly. “I’m sorry about being rough with you. I shouldn’t have pushed you to the ground…For Christ’s sake, I almost took you in the dirt.” He ran his hands over his face and walked back and forth in front of her.

  “I’m not so fragile, Todd,” Megan said quietly.

  “You are and you deserve better than that.” She watched him pacing and felt relieved knowing that he wanted her so much that time and place didn’t matter.

  “I’m not sorry. In fact, I enjoyed it.” She walked over to him and put her hand on his shoulder, causing him to stop his nervous pacing.

  “God! I want you. I lose control around you,” he said, running his hands up her arms and then dipping his head for a small kiss.

  “Walk me home?” Megan smiled up at him.

  “How about a ride?” Todd said with a grin.

  “I thought you’d never ask.” Chester pushed against Todd’s shoulders again and they both laughed.

  Chapter Seven

  It had been weeks since Megan had visited Matt’s gravesite. The black marble marker had been set in place, and the white lilies she’d brought sat in the dark marble vase.

  “Matt, I didn’t mean to hide my life from you. I just couldn’t bear it if…if you were disappointed in me.” She closed her eyes on a tear. “I was so ashamed of myself, Matt, that I couldn’t function. I…I didn’t function as a human being. I let someone else control every part of me. At times, I felt like I would fade away and blend into the walls.”

  She opened her eyes and looked around the cemetery.

  “Never again. I promise you and myself, never again.” Letting out a breath, she felt a warm breeze lift over her. “I like it here and I like the people, especially the Jordan family. Oh, Matt, I can see now how easy it was for you to become so attached to them.”

  Megan smiled. “Lacey is wonderful. She’s full of spunk and so very strong for such a small thing. Iian is kind and reminds me a lot of you. He makes me laugh and helps me forget all the bad things in my past. Then there’s Todd.” She paused and remembered last night and heat spread through her body.

  “Matt, I don’t know whether I can ever trust another man completely. I hope one day I won’t be so damaged. That I’m able to feel alive again, because Todd makes me feel alive, and he deserves something more. I don’t know if I’m capable of giving it to him. I miss you.” Wiping the tear from her cheek, she turned and walked back to her car.

  ********

  Late one evening, Megan arrived home from working at the cabins to see Lacey’s car parked in the driveway. She walked into the house to find Lacey standing in her kitchen, cooking something that smelled wonderful. She had on an old pair of jeans and an oversized sweater, and had thick, purple socks covering her feet. She was humming to herself. Without turning around, Lacey said, “Hi. I thou
ght you might like some dinner, and since it’s my night off, I figured we could have a girls’ night.”

  “That sounds great!” Megan plopped down in the kitchen chair. “I never knew there was so much to fixing a place up. I don’t want to look at another paint brush for a year.” Lacey smiled over at her. “Speaking of paint, do you know Allison Adams? She runs that little antique store across from the hardware store?”

  “I use to babysit her and her sister, Abby. Abby passed away a few years back. She had cancer,” Lacey said, sounding sad.

  “Oh no, I didn’t know that. That’s too bad.” Megan felt even closer to Allison, knowing they’d both lost their only sibling. “She does some of the most beautiful paintings and sketches. I’ve bought a few. I have some here in the house, and I’m going to hang some in the cabins.”

  “I didn’t know she painted at all.”

  Megan walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of wine she’d been saving. “She seemed so lonely when I was over there last week. We ended up talking for about two hours, and then she came over the other night and helped me hang up the paintings.” Megan poured two glasses and handed one to Lacey. “I’m thinking of helping her market some of her art, you know, help her get it into galleries. I did some work a while back for this small art gallery in Portland. The owner was really nice to me, so I called him the other day and he said he’s interested in seeing some of her stuff.”

  Lacey smiled over at Megan. “You really are a lot like your brother.”

  “You know, Iian was here when Allison arrived,” she said with a hint of humor.

  “How did that go?” Lacey said, turning around and giving Megan her full attention. “Was he nervous?” Lacey asked.

  “Boy, was he! What is that all about?” she asked before taking a sip of wine.

  “Oh, Iian has had this thing for Allison since second grade. Iian gets all nervous around her. It’s kind of cute.”