Best Friends Forever_A Marriage Pact Romance

by Jess Bentley

  Ashe shook her head. “Why would I? She doesn’t tell me anything.”

  “That might change if you ever bothered to show up for her visitation.”

  “They’re always watching me.”

  I shrugged. “You have proven you aren’t trustworthy not to have supervised visitation. It’s the social worker’s job to watch you.”

  She glared at me. “It’s so easy for you to judge. You aren’t there, and you don’t have to deal with strangers watching your every movement.”

  “If I did, it wouldn’t keep me from visiting my daughter as often as possible. Ask if she hates you, and the truth is, I don’t know. If she does, it’s probably with good reason.” I regretted the words as I said them, realizing there was no satisfaction in lashing out at this poor woman. She was already broken enough that she didn’t need me to help her fall the rest of the way.

  She screamed and ran at me, her fingers curled so she could claw my face. I managed to mostly block the blow, though I felt the sharp sting of her nails tear through the flesh of my cheek as I pushed her away. She kept coming, trying to hit me, so I grabbed her wrists and eased her away as carefully as I could. I was trying not to hurt her, but she wouldn’t calm down. Finally, I ended up pushing her against the wall and making her stay there until she dissolved into a fit of sobs. At that point, I let go, and she slowly slid down the wall. She looked up at me through the veil of tears in her eyes. “Just go away and never come back. You’ve already ruined my life.”

  I flinched. “How did I ruin your life? All I ever did was work and try to make things better for all of us. I didn’t cheat on you, I wasn’t an addict or an alcoholic, and I didn’t beat you.”

  “You were never there. You weren’t there for me, and now you aren’t there for Elle either. I know what a mess I am, and I know how much I’ve screwed up Elle, but do you have any clue what you’ve done? You’re just as responsible for her being fucked up in the head as I am.”

  “I wish I’d never met you.”

  She let out a bitter laugh. “I make that wish just about every day.”

  Shaking my head, I turned and strode from her apartment as her words worked their way beneath my skin. I tried to tell myself they were just ravings of a high, angry woman, but was there kernel of truth to her accusations? Had I destroyed Elle in some way by not being there for her? I refused to accept the blame for Ashe’s addiction, since Eric had learned during the divorce that she had been a user for years before we got married, but I couldn’t so easily cast aside the idea that I was to blame somehow for Elle’s problems too. I know the divorce had been rough on her, but it hadn’t been a picnic for me either.

  As I made my way back to the limousine, finally sitting there in the seat and brooding, I examined my actions and winced when I realized that not much had changed on my end.

  I had to admit it. There was some validity to Ashe’s accusation that I hadn’t been there enough. Even after the divorce, I hadn’t cut down my hours or found a way to make more time for Elle. I’d hired a couple of nannies who hadn’t lasted, before thrusting the problem mostly on Betsy and Margot, since Elle would sometimes listen to them. It had been easier to pretend like everything was fine, or on its way back to fine, because it meant I didn’t have to make any changes.

  It was obvious now that once I had her home, I had to shift some priorities and focus more on Elle. She was far more important than the company I had built from scratch, and I needed to prove to her that she was the most important thing in my life. She might never get that reassurance from Ashe, but I didn’t want her doubting for one second that her father loved her with all his heart.

  Lindsay would be there to support her as well, though that realization left me out of sorts. Keeping Lindsay around was a temptation I wasn’t sure I could withstand, but I didn’t want to fall in love again. My sole experience with Ashe had been a disaster, and we still had the ability to hurt each other even two years after our split. It wasn’t safe to love anyone, and I refused to do it. I didn’t want to hurt Lindsay, and I certainly didn’t want her to leave Elle, but I couldn’t risk committing my heart to her. It was something I would have to figure out after Elle was home.

  She would be home. She had to come home.

  Chapter 14

  Lindsay

  The first park I checked ended up being a bust. There was nothing that could have been even remotely described as a playhouse, so I moved to the next on my list. This one was smaller and thankfully a bit farther from Coney Island, but as I walked through the park, I saw some small colored structures ahead that could be playhouses. As I got closer, they were definitely small houses. It was a charming setup. Someone had designed what looked like a gingerbread village, though the houses were constructed from thick plastic. It looked weathered, and some had damage, but there were enough details remaining that I could imagine how it had been when it was new. If this was the place, I could easily see why Elle would have chosen it as her favorite. Still. this area wasn’t the safest, and the urgency of the situation kept me on edge.

  I moved to the miniature village as snow started to fall, cautiously peeking into the first window. There were three little girls and a boy playing together, and they all stared at me. None of them were Elle, so I moved on. The next playhouse was empty, and the third had two little boys, so I kept going. The fourth house revealed a small figure seated inside with a book on her lap. Relief filled me when I realized it was Elle, and I moved to the door. The house was definitely built for little kids, and it was a tight fit to squeeze inside. I had to practically bend over double and shimmy in. I was afraid I’d get stuck, but on the plus side, I’d be blocking the exit and preventing Elle from running if I did.

  She seemed surprised to see me, and her swollen eyes and tearstained cheeks broke my heart as I finally wiggled my hips the rest of the way inside and crouched on the floor. “Hi, Elle.” I struggled to find a calm, soothing tone. All I wanted to do was take her in my arms to make sure she was okay, but I didn’t want to move too quickly and startle her.

  “Hey.” She closed her book and set it aside on top of her backpack, which I saw was stuffed to the point it would barely zip closed. “What did you bring with you?”

  She looked at the pack and shrugged. “Warm clothes and my favorite stuffed monkey.”

  “And books,” I nodded my head toward the one sitting atop the pack.

  “The cabdriver knew what place I was talking about when I told him my old address and described the park.”

  I shuddered at the thought of her taking a cab by herself, and I was angry at the driver for a moment that he hadn’t bothered to report that a child had flagged him down, but my anger seeped away as relief filled me.

  “That was good that you took a cab instead of the subway.” It was New York, I supposed. She wouldn’t be the first child to ride a cab unattended. There were even children who went back and forth on the subway every day for school, so it wouldn’t have seemed out of place to the driver. I couldn’t really blame him or her for not phoning the police.

  “Daddy said never take the subway alone.” Elle’s eyes clouded over, and her lower lip trembled. “Is he mad at me?”

  I reached out a hand hesitantly, touching her knee when she didn’t pull away. “He’s really scared and worried about you, but he’s not really angry. We were both just scared.”

  Tears escaped down her cheeks, though she blinked rapidly. “I didn’t mean to scare anyone. I just wanted to leave before you did.” Her lips were a little blue.

  I grimaced. “Elle, I’m not going to leave you.” I broke off when I realized I couldn’t make that promise. I was still an employee, which meant I had only partial say in whether I stayed. In spite of last night, I wasn’t super confident that Ben would want me to be anything more than Elle’s nanny, so I didn’t want to make a promise I might not be able keep. “I’ll stay as long as I can, and as long as you want me to.”

  “I want you to stay forever, but I
know you’re going to leave. Everybody leaves. If they don’t leave, then they’re never there.”

  My heart clenched for her, and I couldn’t resist the urge to reach out to pull her against me in a hug. I expected some resistance, but instead she melted against me. “Who left you?” I was sure I knew the answer, but I had to dissect her fears one at a time.

  “My mom left me. Even you left me for a while.”

  “I didn’t have any choice in the matter. Your family moved away, and my father wouldn’t help me come visit you.”

  She frowned. “Why not?”

  I shrugged. “He’s selfish. He always has been... and it got worse after my mom died. He pretty much left me to raise myself, and it was a lonely childhood. I had to grow up way too fast.”

  “Do you hate him?”

  I couldn’t answer for a moment, because I had to decide for myself first before I could tell her the truth. “I don’t hate him. I love him, but I don’t trust him. I never come first with him, so in some ways it’s like not having a father at all.”

  “It’s just the same for me.” She laid her head against my chest.

  I frowned as I rubbed her back. “No, it’s not. Your father loves you so much, sweetie. He’s doing the best he can to—”

  “I know that.” She lifted her head to look at me. “I meant my mom. She’s just gone. She was never really much there to start with. There were times when she gave me a little attention, but most of the time, she was just out of it. She doesn’t come see me, and I’m sure she doesn’t love me. I think I hate her sometimes.”

  I had to clear my throat from the lump forming there. “It’s okay to hate her sometimes, but I don’t think you really do. You’re just hurt and angry and trying to figure it all out. Your mom loves you, but she’s kind of like my dad. She’s selfish. You know what an addict is?”

  Elle shrugged. “I heard Dad say the word a few times to other people, but I don’t really know what it is.”

  I hated having this conversation with her, certain it should be Ben, but also needing to convince her to come home willingly. I didn’t want to shatter the trust between us by dragging her out or forcing her to come with me if I could avoid it. “An addict is someone who can’t live without something. That something is usually very bad for them, and in your mom’s case, it’s drugs. It makes her selfish. She can’t think of anything besides getting drugs, and it changes who she is. At some point, maybe she’ll no longer be addicted, and maybe then she won’t be so selfish. You can’t count on that though.”

  “So I don’t have a mother.” She looked so sad and she started to shiver. “Will you be my mother, Lindsay?”

  It was so hard to answer her, and tears rolled down my cheeks too. “I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, kiddo, but I’ll be here for you as long as you need me.”

  “I’m scared you’ll leave me too.”

  “I won’t if I can help it.” I hugged her as hard as I dared, and she was squeezing just as tightly. “Your dad loves you, and so do I. We’d like you to come home. Are you ready to do that, Elle?”

  She pulled away, her lower lip trembling again. “I’m going to be in big trouble, aren’t I?”

  I didn’t want to start lying to her now, so I nodded. “You probably will be in a little trouble, but more than anything, Ben’s going to be happy that you’re home and relieved that you’re safe. Are you ready to see your dad?”

  After another long hesitation, she nodded. “I guess so.”

  Chapter 15

  Ben

  When the call came from Lindsay, I swiped almost savagely. “Where are you, and why haven’t you answered your phone?”

  “I didn’t charge it last night, so it died.”

  “You need a new phone that has a better battery.” I made a mental note to get her the newest, latest model after this was over. “Elle isn’t with Ashe. I was there—”

  “I have her.”

  Those three simple words crushed all air from my lungs and had me dropping to my knees. “Where…?”

  “We’re in a cab headed back now. The driver is loaning me his charger.”

  I somehow managed to breathe again. “I’ll meet you at the curb.” She didn’t try to dissuade me, probably realizing she couldn’t. I needed to be reunited with Elle as soon as possible.

  After Lindsay hung up, I put the phone in my pocket and gripped the side of the desk to stand up. It took me a moment to find the strength, because I was so weak with relief.

  And gratitude. I owed Lindsay everything. She’d found Elle, who must be safe, or they’d be heading to the hospital instead of home. I squirmed internally as I remembered my plan to emotionally withdraw. How could I do that?

  But how could I commit to her when I knew how ugly love could be? Not that I loved her. No way. It was far too soon for that, I assured myself as I got to my feet.

  I staggered down the hallway, stopping by the kitchen to tell Margot and Betsy the good news. I found them huddled together at the table, sipping coffee, and looking worried sick. “Lindsay’s bringing her home.”

  “Oh, thank goodness. Is it all right if I make the little miss’s favorite dinner, Mr. Hudson?”

  I nodded at Margot. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

  She shrugged, not quite meeting my eyes. “I thought maybe she’d be punished, and I didn’t want to interfere.”

  “Oh.” I shook my head. “Make her favorite, and that chocolate cake she likes for dessert, if you have time.”

  “I have the batter waiting in the fridge,” she confessed with a hint of guilt.

  “Excellent.” I left the two women and the apartment a moment later. The elevator ride was fast, and I was soon standing beside Bill as I awaited the arrival of my daughter and…her nanny? That didn’t sound right, but what did?

  “I heard the good news, sir. I’m glad Miss Elle is returning to us safe and sound.”

  I nodded at Bill, marveling at how quickly word must have spread around the building. “Thank you. You have no idea how relieved I am too.”

  “I can imagine. My youngest took off once, but quickly changed his mind when he realized he’d forgotten his teddy bear.”

  More to fill the time than anything, I said, “I didn’t know you were a family man.”

  “Oh, yes, sir. They’re grown these days, but the wife and I still see them a lot.”

  “How long have you been married?”

  “Almost forty years.”

  I looked at him. “How in the world did you manage that?”

  He shrugged. “It’s a lot of work sometimes, but I couldn’t imagine anyone else I want by my side during the journey of life. Once you find the right one, you don’t let go of her. It’s worth the fight.”

  I nodded, his words percolating in my brain as we waited for the right cab to draw up. Was Bill right? He certainly seemed to know what he was talking about with forty years of marriage to back him up.

  I hadn’t fought for Ashe, but I’d stopped loving her the way I had in the beginning long before discovering her addiction. She hadn’t been worth fighting for, and I was positive she’d felt the same way about me. We were toxic together and happier apart than we’d ever been when married.

  Lindsay was different. I knew it in my heart. She was dangerous to my heart and to the path I’d set for myself—one I intended to walk alone.

  That course no longer seemed so appealing, especially when the cab drew up, and she exited a few minutes later with Elle’s hand in hers.

  I rushed to the curb, reaching for my daughter despite the way she held back. I forced myself to stop at the last minute and shoot a questioning look at Lindsay.

  “Elle is afraid she’s in trouble.”

  I immediately swooped forward and lifted her into my arms. She remained stiff in my arms for a moment before hers crept around my neck, and she hugged me back.

  “I’m so happy you’re home, baby.” I buried my face against her fine blonde hair and inhaled the scent of man
goes. “Please don’t ever do this again.”

  She lifted her head, which forced me to move mine so I could look into her eyes. “I’m sorry, Daddy.”

  I nodded. “We’ll talk in a bit. Let’s get you cleaned up and fed. Margot’s making your favorite dinner.”

  Her eyes sparkled. “Brie en Croûte and salmon cakes?”

  I nodded. “With chocolate cake for dessert.”

  Chapter 16

  Lindsay

  Watching them interact throughout dinner left a lump in my throat. There was a new tenderness in Ben’s actions, and Elle was the most open I’d seen in a long while. She even reached out to hold his hand at one point, and he clung to it like a lifeline.

  It was beautiful, but also underscored my status as an outsider. Sitting there with the family, though not part of the family, was demoralizing no matter how heartwarming their reunion. I was quiet, trying to remain unobtrusive to allow them the time they needed.

  Ben was quiet as well, though I couldn’t tell if he was basking in the joy of Elle’s safe return, brooding about something, or perhaps a bit of both.

  When Elle smothered her third yawn of the evening, I said, “You look ready for bed.”

  She didn’t protest, which meant she was exhausted. “Will you read me another chapter of Harry Potter?”

  “Of course, unless your dad wants to?” I arched a brow at him.

  He shook his head. “I don’t want to disturb your routine.” He pushed away from the table and walked around to kneel by Elle’s chair. She slipped into his arms, and he hugged her again. “I love you, sweetheart.”

  “Love you too, Daddy,” she said against his chest.

  I blinked back tears as I took her hand and led her to the bedroom. She had a quick bath while I pulled back the covers and got out the book.

  Elle came into her room and took the brush from the vanity. She held it out to me hesitantly, and I took it. As she sat at the table, I brushed her damp hair.