by Summer, AJ
“There you go Mr. Lyle, all set.”
I almost choke on my next exhale, and I stumble in my haste to move as a porter enters the room and starts pulling the end of his bed towards the door. Nothing, not even a glance, not even a blink of an eye from Jase. I follow the bed down the long corridors of the hospital. Passing families visiting loved ones, security and even a group of girls who all stare appreciatively at my boy. All while he just stares unblinking at his legs, at least that’s what I assume he’s looking at, no white sheet has ever managed to piss someone off that much, and that’s the only other thing in his sight.
The bed comes to a stop and the nurse hands Jase’s file to an older nurse with a graying bun, before turning to me. “You can wait out here.”
I nod, indicating that I’ve heard her. They begin moving him away from me. “Wait!” I run up to Jase and lay my hand on his cheek, but he doesn’t lift his face. So I wrap both my arms around his head and squeeze him to me, hoping to get through that thick skull of his. His arm wraps around my waist and pulls me tighter before he inhales deeply. When he releases me I unwrap my deadlock on his head and I’m met with my favorite green eyes, a lot duller than normal, but there they are and they’re seeing me and that’s all that matters.
While I’m waiting, I send a couple of texts to Lewis, Jenna and my mom, letting them all know that Jase is doing his first test. We could definitely do with some prayers and I know my mom will be on it in a flash. My faith hasn’t always been rock solid, even now I don’t claim to be on the straight and narrow. I stray, often, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe. I believe because when Jase was in that coma, I spoke to God, and I spoke to God often. And my boy woke up...
When the same porter that pushed Jase out of his room comes into view, I can’t seem to move. I’m glued to my seat, my body as heavy as a boulder. When his gorgeous mop of black hair also comes into view, followed by his down cast eyes, I jump to my feet. I’ve never seen him look so utterly defeated. Surely it’s too early to know anything, right? Even the damn cheery nurse looks dejected. Either that or Jase gave them a hard time in that room. I hope it’s the latter, but I’m not ready to know yet. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to know, especially if he’s never going to walk again.
Jase doesn’t acknowledge me when he’s wheeled past and I have to admit, this is starting to hurt! I didn’t do anything wrong. I understand that he’s going through a tough time, but come on, this is me! Having had enough of his shit and sitting in a shitty chair for the past hour I storm past his room, hell bent on having a damn smoke. And short of him climbing off that bed and hurling me into his arms, nothing is going to stop me.
With the bats of hell chasing me, I rush through the door, almost knocking myself out when I collide with Lewis.
“Hey, I was just heading inside to see if he was done.”
I grunt. I’m not even lying. I don’t have the energy for a proper answer.
“Ok? That bad?”
“That bad,” I say with an angry flick of my lighter. The flame catches and immediately dies out. Shit. I try it again but the same happens. Damn it! I hurl the lighter against a nearby wall, watching it break into two silver pieces.
“Hey, hey, calm down babe.” Lewis is crouching next to me, rubbing my arm up and down with his rough hand. I know if I look closely I’ll see traces of grease and oil etched into the very grooves of his skin. He works hard, yet he comes by every day, staying until the nurses kick him out.
“He isn’t talking, he isn’t fighting, he isn’t cussing. He’s just accepting it. That’s not Jase. Why isn’t he fighting? Why isn’t he angry?” I ask a deeply frowning Lewis.
“He woke up fourteen hours ago, Mew. What do you want the guy to do? If it was me in there I’d be freaking out too. You know how Jase is. Not being able to walk? Shit. He would never want to be dependent on anyone. He’s a provider, not a taker. He’ll snap out of it. And when he does, so will his legs. Just give him some time to deal.” With that he finally lights the cigarette that I’ve been playing with between my lips and gets up.
“Stay out here a bit. I think you need it. I’ll go see how our boy’s doing.”
“Thanks.”
With a last ruffle to my hair he leaves me sitting, listening to the sound of the birds chirping.
What if Jase doesn’t ever walk again? What will happen to us?
I’m assaulted by grunts and subdued curses when I reach his door. The scene in front of me brings a sudden joy to my heart, but only briefly because I’m greeted by utter chaos. The water jug that was sitting neatly next to his bed, is a broken sharp mess, surrounded by a puddle of glistening wetness. The blankets are all over the floor and an orderly and Lewis are restraining Jase while his doctor carefully places a needle in his arm. I can’t see his face because he’s facing the window, away from me, but this sign of emotion, sparks hope in me. Because if he can get angry, then My Jase is still in there. And not that mopey mess of this morning.
“Son of a bitch!” Lewis groans when he finally releases Jase’s limp arm. “Still has that Lyle temper I see. Not sure what you saw, but he was no docile puppy when I got here.” He wipes some sweat of his face and scowls at the doctor.
“What did you tell him?”
The doctor swallows before looking at me. “Mr. Lyle wasn’t very accommodating about his results.” He takes another breath before looking at me with a serious face. “He still has some damage to his brain. The swelling is gone, but the healing will take time.” The doctor looks away from me with a guilty look on his face. What isn’t he telling me?
“So there’s nothing wrong with him?” I don’t understand.
“There’s no way to tell if the damage is permanent until he heals completely.”
“So why was he so upset?” Can you spell confused?
“These kinds of injuries take time. I really can’t say anymore. Mr. Lyle doesn’t want me to discuss his condition with anybody.”
“I’m not just anybody,” I spit. I glare at the doctor’s impassive face. What the hell is going on here?
“Leave him to sleep. Go home, get something to eat. He’ll be out for a few hours.”
“But-”
“I’m sorry I can’t say anymore.” This time he at least looks sorry.
“What if he doesn’t wake up?” Panic hits me suddenly. He’s just been in a coma for four weeks and they’ve put him to sleep. What if he doesn’t wake up?
“He’ll wake up Miss Andrews. Go home.” The doctor sighs tiredly.
And with that he pushes me out the door with Lewis in tow. Lewis grunts rudely, shaking the doctor’s hand off of his shoulder.
“Come on, Mia. I think you can do with a hot shower.”
“Wait!” I call after the nurse, when she turns around to look at me; I tell her, “Make sure he knows his phone is in the drawer next to his bed. Let him text me if he wakes up before I get back. Phone me if anything happens.” I pin her with a look to make sure she knows not to mess with me before letting Lewis drag me to his truck. On our way outside I turn my head to the side, sniffing my hair and shirt, when what Lewis said about the shower hits me. Do I stink? Not smelling anything I shrug it off and hope my sinuses aren’t fried from all the disinfectant in the hospital. What did Jase say to that doctor?
“Hey,” Lewis says, snapping his fingers in my face. My dazed eyes blink, snapping to his. “Get in.” He pushes me through his open truck door.
The familiar smell of leather fills my nose when I settle in his seat. Lewis takes very good care of his truck and the well polished seats and dash are no exception. He climbs in next to me and buckles his belt before turning and waiting for me to do the same. He hasn’t been the same reckless playboy since Jase’s accident. He even drives slower. I buckle myself in, while he fiddles around with his stereo. It isn’t long before Snow Patrol fills the air, telling me that I’d be better off somewhere else. I won’t. I’m staying right here. With Jase. Whether he’s being
a hard ass or not. And this mess with him telling the doctor not to discuss his condition with anybody can kiss my ass. I’ll find out one way or another. Jase doesn’t have to protect me. I’m the one that needs to do the protecting now.
Neither Lewis nor I feel the need to talk as we listen to the song, and even when Seether starts singing about needing something beautiful to stay, it still doesn’t disturb the silence. Because that is all words are, fascinating nothings. Actions make the deed permanent.
Lewis jumps out when we pull up to our ever neatly kept drive way (thanks to Aiden) and opens my door for me. Aiden and my best friend Jenna make the perfect couple and even if I sometimes wonder what life would’ve been like if Kyle was still alive, I really can’t see it turning out any other way. When two people are meant to be together, they end up together, no matter what. And Aiden makes a nice addition to our little family. We need someone sensible, even if Lewis has recently taken up the straight and narrow.
I finally take the hand he’s holding out to me, feeling happier than I have in a long time. I jump down to the ground, almost knocking him off his feet, again. “Whoa,” he lets out on a breathy chuckle, grabbing hold of my waist to steady us both. I push him back and laugh. I needed to get out of that hospital, it was sucking the life out of me.
Jenna and Aiden are both laying on the couch when we burst through the front door still laughing about me almost flattening Lewis. James is nowhere to be seen.
“Hey,” Jenna calls from the couch, all smiley and happy. She struggles a bit trying to detangle herself from Aiden’s legs before she can get up and smother me in a big squishy hug.
“Hey,” I breathe back, biting down the tears that are threatening to spill at the sight of my best friend. She leads me over to the couch opposite Aiden and sits us both down. Lewis sits down on the arm rest next to me.
“How are you? How’s he?” she asks, grimacing a little after her rapidly fired questions. “Sorry.” She squeezes my hand a little.
I shrug. Taking a deep breath, I shrug again. “He’s okay. No feeling in his legs yet. He is as expected I suppose.” I don’t know how much Lewis has told them. But I’m pretty sure he would’ve been passing the information along as I updated him. We’ve been texting a lot lately. Him always asking how I’m doing. Me always telling him fine. Him bringing me clothes or smokes or decent coffee. He’s been a great friend.
Aiden clears his throat, bringing my spacey eyes to him. “It’s too early for him to be worried about stuff like that. He needs to be patient. The Doctor would’ve said something if it was a big concern. It could’ve been so much worse. He shouldn’t push himself so hard.”
I know Aiden means well but I can’t help my harsh retort, even if I’d had a thousand guards in front of my mouth. “Do you hear yourself Aiden? Do you realize who you’re talking about? Jase exists to push himself. This is unacceptable for him. No matter how short of a time we’re looking at.” I slap my hand over my mouth, surprised at my own outburst. This doctor thing must really be eating at me. Feeling like crap for exploding at him, the pain just bursts through my eyes and streams down my cheeks. “He’s going to leave. If he can’t walk, he is going to leave me. He’s going to leave me.”
Jenna lays her head on my shoulder and Lewis wraps his arms around me. “Shh, no he won’t. He’d be an idiot to do that,” he whispers softly in my ear.
But I’m not convinced. There’s a feeling in my stomach that my heart won’t accept yet. It’s called fear. Pitch black, snarling at me with dripping claws, and its out for my blood.
After absorbing the comfort my friends offered me and apologizing to Aiden for my rudeness I go up to my room. I’m shocked when I push open my door and take in the neatness of it. Obviously Jenna cleaned up in here, because I haven’t been in this room once since she came in here and told me Jase was in an accident.
I walk over to the picture frame of us on the table next to our bed. I’m looking straight into the camera, while Jase is looking right at me, like he doesn’t need to see anything else. His green eyes are sparkling and alive and so full of love. Full of love for me. I don’t want to believe he’ll leave me, but the fear of the unknown is strangling my stomach in a death hug. How will I even begin to take care of him when he comes home? Our room is on the second floor, maybe James or Lewis will swap out with us? I don’t want to move, I like having my own bathroom, but how else will I get that beast of a man up the stairs? I’ll never be able to carry him. And he sure as hell won’t let one of the other guys do it. How will he bath? How will he use the bathroom? How will we make love? My head spins with all the how’s until I’m too dizzy to stand up straight. I throw myself onto my back on our bed with my nails digging into my palms. This isn’t going to be easy, but love is never easy and that’s why we’ll make it. Because nothing has ever been easy for us. We are warriors. We know how to fight.
Blinking lazily up at the red numbers on the clock next to the bed I’m momentarily confused. Until I realize I’m in my room and not at the hospital. The next thing I notice is the time, 6pm. Holy shoot! I slept through most of the day but my body is grateful for it. When I sit up for once my back isn’t cramping and legs aren’t stiff. Does that mean I’m not pissed at myself for being away from Jase for this long? No. There’s no way he’s still asleep and not overthinking every single thing exactly like I just did a few hours ago.
I hurriedly grab my backpack and throw in a clean shirt, some black shorts and underwear before rushing to the bathroom to grab some of his toiletries. All of the stuff I didn’t bother to take while he was in that coma. Lewis has brought some of his clothes over but I’ve been sleeping in his shirts while he was attached to all those tubes. I toss the bag onto the bed and get a clean pair of jeans, underwear and a black top for myself. Surprised to see all my clothes washed and packed away. When did Lewis pick these up?
I head for the shower, bouncing on my toes while I listen to the water rushing through the pipes. Bless our little home, it’s perfect for us, but it’s old and the water takes forever to heat up. So when I yank off my clothes and dive under the cold spray I’m sure the whole house and the fire department down the street hear my high shriek. Jeepers that’s cold! I rub my hands up and down my arms a few times before grabbing the shampoo and lathering my hair. After a few scrubs I move back under the spray to rinse it all off. Thankfully without the shriek of frozen death this time.
After soaping up with my favorite body wash I rinse quickly and step out of the shower. Only to realize I’ve got no towels in here. That’s weird, but then again I haven’t been home in almost a month, and most of my stuff was at the hospital anyway. I grab a toothbrush and my hair tie from the tap before piling the mess of black and pink on my head. Gripping the toothbrush in my mouth, I almost choke when there’s knock on the door. Taking the weapon of choke and death out of my mouth I shout a “yeah” while putting new toothpaste on.
“Are you okay in there? Were you screaming?” Jenna asks.
“Waher wah cold,” I mumble around the brush in my mouth trying to save some time.
“What?” she asks, before opening the door slightly.
“Waher wah cold,” I say again, still furiously scrubbing my teeth.
“Did you knock your head or something? I can’t hear a word you are saying,” she says, stepping into the room fully now. I take the brush out of my mouth when my stomach twisting makes a funny gagging sound climb up my throat. I don’t need to say anything. She’s already caught her mistake and is paying for it by the look on her face. They all love Jase. They all care about him. So I know she didn’t mean anything by it. If someone could eat their words I know Jenna just wants to swallow hers right up. So I change the subject and instead focus on my naked behind standing in front of my very sorry looking friend.
“Do you have any spare towels?” Smiling, I wave my hand towards my empty towel rails.
She looks up, a barely there smile on her lips. “Yeah, I put yours in the cupboa
rd after I washed them. I’ll go get one.” And with that she leaves me and the awkwardness evaporates from the room with the remaining steam of my shower.
I peek out, making sure the door is closed before walking out and reaching to take the towel from her. She stuffs the blue fluffiness in my hands, looking around the room until I’m wrapped up.
“You’ve lost a lot of weight. He won’t like it.”
“Yeah, well, then he shouldn’t have taken four weeks to wake up. Hospital food sucks.” I shrug a little at my blatant honesty, but she’s right, Jase will have a fit when he sees me.
“Aiden got pizza, have some before you go. Please? Are you sleeping at the hospital again?” I nod and then I finish dressing. “Okay, get something to eat before you go,” she says, pointing a stern finger at me before she heads back downstairs.
I run my fingers through my hair, separating the strands while looking for my hairbrush. Remembering it’s still at the hospital, I just refasten the hair tie when the familiar ache starts in my chest. It’s reminding me I’ve already been away from him too long.
Grabbing the bag and closing my door behind me, I hurry down the stairs to the voices of my friends in the kitchen. They’re all sitting with two humongous pizza boxes, each with their own slice either on their plate or in Lewis’s case, on its way to his mouth.
“Sit,” Jenna says when she sees me, and not wanting to be rude, and because I need a lift from Lewis and he’s still eating, I sit. But my leg bounces a hurried rhythm underneath the table. I want to go! I take the plate Jenna holds out to me anyway and get a slice of pizza from the box. Maybe if I eat quickly I can speed Lewis up a bit. Taking a huge bite, I listen to Lewis and Aiden talk about James. Finishing my bite, I ask, “Where is he?”
A collective grumble sounds around the kitchen and I look from Aiden to Lewis and then to Jenna, when no one answers.
