by Summer, AJ
“He’s with Ana,” she replies, “in his room. They seldom step out from inside those four walls. I think he knows we don’t like her.”
“The chick from the party? Are they seeing each other?”
Why don’t I know about this? Her friends hit Aiden in the head with a bat and she still has the nerve to hang around here? I take another bite of pizza and chew it as fast as I can while trying not to choke.
“They’ve been dating on and off, but for the last week she’s been here constantly. I think she’s moved in,” Jenna says.
“That was fast.” And also very strange.
Just then Lewis wipes his hands on a napkin and sits back in his chair. I wipe my fingers and look over at him, ready to ask him to go. “Finish it,” he says in a no nonsense voice that I might have heard once in the entire time I’ve known him. It raises my hackles, and I’m ready to say something back to him, when his face turns even more severe, “I’m not leaving until you do. Eat before your hip bones take one of us out.”
Wow, when did he turn into Jase? And what is with all of the eat speeches? I don’t have much of an appetite but because I’m feeling spiteful, and I really have to get to Jase, I shove the last bit of pizza into my mouth. I can barely chew, but I won’t let him see it. Frustrating man! When I eventually swallow everything down, I level a challenging stare at him and stick out my tongue. Childish but I don’t care. The pizza feels heavy in my stomach, but my body thanks me for it. In fact it wants more. I grab another slice and a napkin, which makes Lewis smile as he holds his hand out to me.
“Come on then, I thought you were in a hurry,” he teases. I smack his hand away, grab my bag and say goodbye to my friends, hoping Jase and I will be home with them all soon. It feels so much better being at home than in the hospital. Jase will feel the same way when he’s surrounded by the people who love him. People who will support him no matter what. He just has to let us. Nibbling on my pizza, I follow Lewis out to his truck.
The ride to the hospital is over quickly, and I’m still stuck with more than half of my slice of pizza when Lewis finds a parking spot. He takes one look at the food in my hand before he takes it and in two big bites it disappears.
I don’t know why I’m so nervous going into the hospital now. Maybe it’s because I left him sleeping and I’m not sure if he’ll be awake.
“So Aiden tells her that if she wants him to stop drinking beer she needs to start jogging with him,” Lewis says on a laugh as we exit the elevator on Jase’s floor. Only half listening to his story, the last sentence finally grabs my attention.
“Ha! Jenna hasn’t jogged a day in her life!”
“She’s doing it now,” he says on another chuckle. Oomph!
“Lewis!” I groan as I bump into his still standing form in Jase’s doorway. “What are you doing?” I ask, moving him out of the way to get inside.
I falter on my first step at the sight in front of me. Jase is sitting on his bed, fully clothed in a black t-shirt, jeans and his boots. His legs dangling off the side of the bed. I’m half expecting him to jump down and scoop me up into his arms. But that’s not what’s stopped me in my tracks. Next to him is a girl, long, light brown hair hanging delicately down her back. I haven’t seen her face yet, but if her back is anything to go by, I’m not going to be surprised by her troll face. Who is she and what is she doing here?
“Jase?” I hate how unsure my voice sounds, but it pulls the girl around and suddenly I’m staring at someone who looks like, well, who looks a lot like me. Freaky, she looks a lot like me. Jase doesn’t lift his head to look at me, not even when I step closer to them. My fingers digging into the palms of my hand I take an unsteady breathe. What’s going on? The bathroom door opens and a guy steps out. He looks about our age. Who are these people? The guy sees us and walks over to Lewis, almost like he was expecting us. He has a backpack over his shoulder. He reaches his hand out to Lewis.
“Hi, Lewis I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Adam, and I’m sure you remember Rose.” Lewis looks at me with what I’m sure is the same shocked expression that’s gracing my face right now. In the seven years I’ve known Jase, I’ve never met any of his friends.
“Adam. Rose,” Lewis says with a deathly pale face. Ugly fear starts stirring like thick black sludge in my belly. Lewis knows them, but he definitely doesn’t like them. Lewis waves his arm in my direction before laying it on my shoulder. He gives it a soft squeeze. “This is Mia.”
Adam holds his hand out to me. “Nice to meet you, Mia,” he says on an uncomfortable smile.
“What’s going on?” I ask Adam, my eyes shifting between him and Rose. Jase is still just sitting on the bed, not even sparing me a look. Adam clears his throat nervously and I want to sprint across this floor and shake Jase. Maybe even punch him in the face. Just then a porter arrives with a wheelchair and Adam turns around quickly, Rose and him each taking an arm and lowering Jase into the chair. I lose it. “Will someone please tell me what fuck is going on?” I shout, angry eyes now darting between the four people who all seem to know something I obviously don’t. Lewis’s hand tightens on my shoulder, trying to pull me closer but I shake him off.
“I’ll take him down,” Rose says softly while angling the chair towards the door.
“Like hell you will!” I scream, reaching out to stop her. She recoils, taking a step away from me like I’m a snake. She doesn’t let go of the chair. “Where the hell do you think you are taking him?” Nothing, except uncomfortable eye glances all over the room. She moves the wheelchair forward again, red haze fills my vision, and I yank her hand off the handle of the wheel chair. “I said stop!”
Tears are streaming down my face now, my hands shaking in anger. I want to rip her arms off for ever touching my Jase. Why does she think she can just take him away?
“Mia, that’s enough,” Jase says. His voice sounds so tired and broken that I sway, but I don’t get very far, because Lewis is next to me in a second, holding me tightly around my shoulders.
“Where are you going?” I whisper the words, because anything else isn’t possible around the ache in my throat.
“Home. I’m going back home.” He finally looks at me with eyes so dead, I can see my own grave. “Adam.”
“I can take you home,” I whimper. He shakes his head, no. The word ‘home’ has never sounded so much like a curse as it does right now. He isn’t going to our home. Adam moves in behind the chair and Rose steps in front of them, leading the way. Together they start leaving the room. “You’re leaving with them?” I ask on failing knees, my heart tearing behind my ribs, ready to bleed out. “Jase damnit! You’re leaving with them!”
No one answers me while they wheel my boy away and out of my life. This time the floor really comes up to meet me, right after I take my first step after him, but again strong arms catch me.
“There she is.” I blink my eyes open to Lewis looking down on me with a concern filled gaze. “You fall like a rock, Mew.”
Tears fill my eyes as the last few minutes play back across my mind and I sob a heaving breath. “He left.” Two words and my whole world tilts, it tilts and I slide into an abyss of heartache.
“Idiot,” Lewis grunts. Pulling me up gently and into his chest. Someone clears their throat behind us but I don’t lift my head to see who. Lewis does, but he doesn’t release me from his hold.
“He left without my permission. He wasn’t ready to leave, but he just signed himself out. There’s nothing I can do,” Jase’s doctor says. I cry harder, my body shakes, Lewis holds me tighter.
“You’ll be okay, Mew. You’ll get through this. Let’s go.” I don’t believe any of it, but I let him pull me up. Keeping my head tucked into his side, he leads us out of the hospital and lifts me into his truck. He buckles me in and closes my door. My heavy head falls to the window, peering outside but not seeing anything. What’s the use anyway?
Lewis leaves the radio off and I’m not sure how long it takes us to get home.
The house is quiet and the rooms are dark when we get there. Leading me up to my room, he opens the door and drops the backpack on the floor. He pulls the bedding down before coming back to collect me from the door. Sitting me on the end of the bed, he removes my shoes and pulls me down to lay next to him. When he bundles me up in his arms the storm hits, tearing through the walls of my chest, ripping my heart to shreds...
I wake up in the middle of the night with my brain screaming in my skull, but the pain is nothing when I realize where I am. The ache attacking my heart is so severe that I double over, clutching at my rib cage, gasping for breath. For the first time since Kyle died, I wish that it was me instead. I can’t breathe through the intense ache pulsing in my empty ribcage; the place now devoid of Jase. The old scars on my wrist itch like a thousand poison ivy strands are wrapped around my skin. Clawing at the raised marks on my wrist, I scratch until my skin is raw and wetness pools under my finger tips. I startle when a pair of hands lay over mine, gently prying them away from my skin. Through the dark I see Lewis climbing onto my bed. I don’t even know when he left or if he ever did. He moves to sit against the headboard and pulls my body up until I’m lying with my head in his lap. His gentleness releases the next flood of tears, his hand stroking my hair offering a tiny amount of comfort. At least for now I’m not alone. But how long before he too leaves? Because everyone leaves me. Dad, Kyle, Jase, they all left me.
Seven weeks ago Jase was in an accident. Three weeks ago he was pushed out of my life in a wheelchair. One day ago my mom called, threatening to come fetch me. Today? I’m merely existing. I’m getting ready for work, because my friends have threatened to call my mom, to make good on her promise if I don’t get out of bed. My body is just a shell, a vessel to house all this hurt, and as of this morning, anger. Red hot anger that Jase could just leave me behind like I never meant anything to him. I’m weak, and countless unanswered texts asking him what happened, have left me bitter. Not a single word of explanation for the broken girl he left behind. I want answers. Because answers lead to closure and I need closure so my friends can stop hovering and get back to their own lives.
Three weeks have not been enough to get over the pain, a lifetime won’t be enough, but I’m getting up and out of this bed before my mom comes down here. She’s finally living her life after that scumbag boyfriend of hers got arrested on drug charges. I can’t believe he was a drug dealer. Apparently neither could he the day the cops came to pick him up on an anonymous tip off. Good riddance to bad damn rubbish. And that’s exactly why I’m moving on because Mom doesn’t need my stress. And neither do my friends. I also can’t keep believing that I meant something to Jase. Especially if he could so easily leave me. I kind of expected it though. I knew it was a possibility that he wouldn’t let me take care of him. Still hurts like a bitch!
I grab a thick rubber band from my drawer ... just in case, and pull it onto my wrist with a loud snap. The contact stings and a satisfying burn spreads over the sensitive skin on the inside of my wrist. It also brings a sour taste to my mouth. A reminder of how close to the edge I'm treading. I can’t be that weak again, that girl is gone. With heavy feet, and a last look at my sad face in the mirror, I offer a silent prayer for strength before going downstairs.
I’m greeted with wary smiles and unsure eyes when I sit down at the kitchen table for breakfast. Normally Jase would be down first to make my coffee. This morning there’s already coffee in front of me. Only he didn’t make it. Lewis did. In the last three weeks Lewis has been my everything. It’s scary how much time he’s spent by my side. Sleeping in my bed, holding me, watching over me like a hawk. He isn’t replacing Jase, but it helps having such a good friend close by. I can’t stand being alone.
Does Lewis get angry at me for crying so much about a guy who didn’t care? Obviously. Does he think Jase is an asshole? Constantly. Does he tell me? Regularly. Does it piss me off? YES. Until this morning, when he told me again how big of an asshole he thinks Jase is. This time I didn’t get angry at him but at Jase.
“Thanks.” I wrap my hands around the mug and pray I can keep my stronghold together. This morning is the first I’ve managed to get out of bed, the first where I could get into the shower and not hide from my razor. I’ve been low, so low that the flames of hell licked my ankles, but I’m still here, and majority of that is due to Lewis. I take a small sip of my coffee and count to ten. The silence around the table is awkward, but I can do awkward. It’s better than trying to hold a conversation. Just a couple of more hours to get through.
“Come on. I’ll give you a lift,” Lewis says from where he’s standing next to my chair. He holds a hand out to me. I place my coffee mug down slowly and reach for his hand. His strong fingers grip mine and squeeze, sharing some of his strength through his warm skin. I look up into his friendly eyes and give a small nod. Standing up and pulling my shoulders back, I look at Aiden and Jenna before blinking slowly and taking a deep breath. Putting one foot in front of the other, I follow Lewis out the door.
The warm sun hits my cheeks. I’ve always enjoyed the sun on my skin. Neatly raked piles of brown and orange leaves fill the corners of the lawn. The world looks so normal. Nothing like the scary black abyss I’ve been hiding in since Jase left. I climb up into Lewis’s truck and buckle myself in before he can even get to his side. Which by the time he does get in, he only smiles at my already buckled up form. “Ready?”
“Ready.” He lays his hand on mine in my lap and gives it another firm squeeze. This time I try to smile back.
I’m so grateful to still have a job. After Jase’s accident I spent most of my time at the hospital. And after that I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t face all the places he wasn’t anymore. Jase resigned the day Adam and Rose pushed him out of the hospital. That boy has disappeared out of my life completely. Alec has been swamped, but every time he checked on me he assured me I’d still have a spot when I come back. And here I am. As ready as I’ll ever be.
We pull into the side parking of the parlor and Lewis kills the engine. The loud whirr of the air conditioning, right outside the passenger door, clangs around in my head until it makes my heart race. How do I face these people? Our friends - people who know us. They all know by now. They all know that another person has left me behind. Just once I wish I could be worthy enough for them to stay. I pinch my eyes shut until I see a matinee of stars dance behind my eye lids.
“Get out, get out,” Lewis says quickly while leaning over me and opening my door. Then he proceeds to unclip my belt before pushing my shoulder until I either topple out of the car or open my eyes.
“Okay. Okay,” I say, holding up my hands in surrender.
“Stop over thinking. You’re doing great. Little steps, big breaths. I’m right here if you need me.”
“Okay, but it still- it still hurts,” I say through a closing windpipe.
“I should have kicked his ass. Asshole,” Lewis grumbles before coming around to my side and helping me down. He throws his arm around me and leads me to the door with a firm grip around my shoulders. Lately it seems that he is all that’s literally holding me together.
In spite of not being at work for more than a month, the familiar buzz of the tattoo gun working in the back room immediately makes me feel at ease. Livvy dashes over to me in a flash of purple tangles, almost knocking the breath out of me when she throws herself around me.
“Mia! I’m so happy to see you!” She holds me away from her a bit before pulling me back again.
“Nice, to see you too, Liv,” I say on a little laugh.
The sound of the gun stops and then my bear of a boss fills the doorway. He runs an ink splattered latex glove through his hair, puffing out his cheeks, he exhales loudly. “You! Get over here!” he calls, waving me closer while looking imposing as hell. I smile and before I can think it through I throw myself into his arms, earning myself a hard squeeze that lifts my feet off the ground. “Welcome back, baby girl,” Alec says, patting me quite un
comfortably on my back.
The big guy isn’t comfortable with affection. Neither was I, but then I met Jase and for such a fierce person, he can be extremely lovable. Needing to stop that thought before the waterworks start again, I pull away from Alec and mumble, “Thanks.” I smile, forcing the tears back some more. Despite my blurry vision I’m happy, my spirit feels lighter being back somewhere I belong and I feel wanted.
“Now, get to work,” Alec says with a straight face, but there’s a tiny glimmer in his eye. He disappears into the back room where I assume he was working on a customer from the buzzing I heard when I came in.
I walk over to my station, dumping my bag on my desk, I fall into my chair. My head drops back and I swivel in my chair, watching the ceiling. This feels right, at this moment, it feels so damn right. I keep my eyes on the ceiling, not daring a look at Jase’s chair and bed in front of me. I remember the black sheets and pillow set perfectly. Taking a deep breath, I touch the rubber band around my wrist, loosely rolling my finger under the elastic. I've got this.
I get up and go over to Lewis and Livvy who are pretending not to watch me. “What’s the book look like for today?” I turn the appointment book around, scanning through the different time slots, all with Alec’s name scribbled next to them. Then I see Livvy’s name at the bottom. I lift my head and scan her face, she knows I’ve seen it but she’s not giving anything away, slowly her control slips and her mouth starts twitching. “Yes?” I ask, watching her unravel.
“Yes!” she shouts, clapping her hands and stamping her feet. Her shoulder length, purple mess flying around her head wildly.
“Congratulations!” I push past Lewis, who’s staring at us with a dumb look on his face, feeling a little burst of happiness for her. I give her a quick hug, but let go just as fast when she begins to squeal again.
“What the hell is going on in there?” Alec shouts from the back room. This makes me laugh.
“Sorry Alec!” we shout together at the back room.
