Cinder To Ash (Tainted Hearts Book 3)

by Summer, AJ

  “It smells like ass in here!” Lewis curses as he waves his hand in front of his nose. I pull my shirt up to cover my nose.

  “Looks like they had one hellavu party last night,” I say, kicking some empty bottles out of the way.

  “Over here,” Lewis calls from the hallway. He’s been here?

  “You’ve been here? You obviously know where the rooms are,” I admonish with my hands on my hips.

  “Yeah.” My eyes narrow. “Long ago. Calm down. We were still kids.” He waves me forward towards the rooms.

  There are three doors. Two that are open. In the furthest one, there’s a guy asleep on the bed. I’m too afraid to go look, so I show Lewis to check instead. He steps into the room.

  “Adam. Adam? Man, wake up!” Silence. “He’s out cold,” Lewis says shaking his head. The second room is clearly a girl’s room.

  “Rose?” I ask, looking around the room.

  “Must be,” Lewis answers. It’s empty. Not a girl in sight. Lewis points to the last door. I stand there in front of the closed door, knowing it must be Jase’s but terrified to go inside. What if he sends me away? But what if he doesn’t? I lower the handle and push it open slowly. The first thing I see is his work boots, then his sketch pad. My heart starts beating faster, and butterflies swirl in my stomach. The bed comes into view and then a baby camper. Wait … What? I take a step closer, but Lewis pulls me back by a hand on my shoulder. I give him a look over my shoulder. Judging by his expression he didn’t know. I push the door open wider and the rest of the room comes into view. I step inside. It smells like him. And baby powder. There’s no mistake in that. There’s a small hamper with clothes in it. I walk over quickly. Baby clothes. What the hell? Jase is nowhere to be seen. I spin around and crash face first into Lewis. He folds me into his arms, holding me so tight that I struggle to breathe, but that’s okay, there’s no air in my lungs anyway.

  “No!” I sob. “No! No! No!” I cry in between heartbroken gasps. Hurt burns in my chest, straight to my heart, the poor organ works double time, taking the stabs of heart break and pumping it back into my body super fast, so fast that it turns into dark red rage. I spin around, back toward the confusing room. Is this why he left? I pick up the first thing I can find. His sketch pad. Pulling my arm back I hurl it at the wall. I reach for the next thing, not even seeing anymore, but Lewis picks me up and carries me outside kicking and screaming. He puts me down on the lawn and spins me around, holding my face firmly in his hands. No one comes out of the house.

  “Calm down. This could be nothing,” he says, smoothing away the angry wetness from my cheeks. I bite down on my teeth and hiss.

  “Or it could be everything.” I take a deep breath. “A baby? Did you know?” My heart is beating so fast, my pulse is a frantic hammer in my veins.

  “No.”

  “It doesn’t make sense!” I shout, stabbing my nails into my palms. The next thought sends my fragile sanity scattering. “Someone else gave him something I couldn’t.”

  I’ve only lost my mind a few times before. All of them I remember clearly. All of them broke me. I was put back together again. I got up, I always have. This time, however, when my mind starts to slip I’m very aware that I’m bringing my demise onto myself. I grab Lewis by the front of his shirt. I’m so fucking tired of being alone. Of not being enough. Squashing the fabric in my fists I pull him to my mouth. My lips move against his frozen ones, licking, biting and tasting. Revenge is a sweet addiction, but Lewis isn’t playing my game. That is until I lick against his mouth and my tongue slips past his teeth. His mouth is warm and wet and it tastes just like I imagined it would. Hot and utterly off limits. His hands move down my back to my bottom, where he lifts me up against his body. I wrap my legs around him and moan when he starts carrying me.

  “Not into the house,” I pull away just long enough to say. I don’t want anything to do with this hell hole.

  My back crashes into the outside wall as his mouth attacks mine. He pulls my bottom lip into his mouth and presses closer to me. My nipples rub against his chest and my back arches, needing him even closer. He places soft, wet kisses across my jaw, under my ear. He devours my skin with his tongue. Another moan falls from my mouth, this one long and throaty. Lewis groans, his hand skimming across my belly, up my ribs, until he finally rubs a thumb over my nipple. Heavy heat blooms across my skin, heating my pulse that’s already beating a pulsing rhythm down below. My fingers grip his hair and pull his face back to mine. Our tongues duel, conscious and rational thought have no place here. I don’t even care that we’re outside.

  “Mia?” My eyes shoot open about the same time that Lewis is ripped away from me and I come crashing to the floor.

  “Jase.”

  With wide eyes I watch the boy with manic green eyes breathing raggedly in front of me. Rose is standing next to him, holding a cute little baby with a head full of black hair. Screw them! My hands are splayed behind me, my knees bent and ready to bolt.

  “Jase,” Lewis calls out.

  “Don’t,” he growls back. His voice is deathly low and vibrates with murderous intent as his eyes stay frozen on me. “Take Cole inside, Rose.”

  I’m now the sole target of the very same temper he warned me about so many years ago on my mother’s porch. I sit unmoving, my eyes only barely catching Lewis where he’s standing with clenched fists a few feet away from me. He runs his hand through his hair, takes a calming breath and steps past his fuming cousin. Rose slips past me, through the door. I almost snap my teeth at her, but I don’t want to scare the child in her arms.

  “Up,” Lewis says, reaching for me.

  “Don’t touch her!” Jase gives a frightening step forward. I shrink back. Growing up with a violent stepfather, I saw this kind of anger way more than I needed. But this is the first time I’ve ever had the Lyle temper directed at myself on this level.

  “Ignore him. I’ve got you.” Lewis wraps his hand around my arm and pulls me to my feet. I keep my eyes firmly focused on Jase. His jaw clenches and he takes a step forward. His glare shifts from me to the hand on my arm. I see the moment his control snaps. A bright spark of fire fills the green orbs burning into my arm.

  “Stop. Right there, Jase. Stop!” I scream when he takes a couple of quick steps, right up until he’s breathing down Lewis’s neck. Lewis doesn’t flinch. If these two throw down, there’s sure to be blood. Yet even with the threat of the gory battle they’ll have, I can’t help noticing how good Jase looks. He looks better than ever. His arms, cut with tensed muscles. He’s been working out? And he’s standing. Holy crap, when did he start walking? That thought almost brings me to my knees. Too many surprises in one day. He has a camper in his room. For a baby. And he can walk. Fuck me.

  Lewis turns around and tucks me behind his back, but now that my initial shock is worn off I’m not afraid of Jase anymore. I’m angry. Really angry. Jase won’t hurt me. I step out from behind Lewis and push Jase back. He doesn’t budge.

  “Move,” I demand. “We’re leaving,” I say to Lewis. I reach for Lewis’s hand to pull him along, but think better of it when I see Jase’s breathing pick up again. “I’m glad your legs are better,” I snip behind me. Nothing. No response. Not even eye contact. It’s the hospital all over again. The hospital. Rose. Is that why they fetched him? Because of the baby? And here he is treating me like some hedonist betrayer. “You fucking asshole!” I rush forward, slapping my palm with a resounding slap across his face. Everything freezes, except for my memory of the last time I slapped him, in the rinky-dink truck in front of my house. Jase’s head stays in the position after my slap snapped his head to the side. His nostrils flare, a rush of air escaping his lips.

  “Feel better now?” Lewis asks, dragging me to his truck.

  “No. I’m not done,” I hiss, digging my heels in.

  “Now isn’t really a great time, Mia. He’s a ticking time bomb,” Lewis pleads like I’ve lost my mind. Seems I’m making it a habit.

 
“Just give me a second. He can afford me a second. There is a friggin’ baby!” I whisper-yell while stabbing an angry finger at the house of hell behind us.

  “What did you say?” Jase grunts from behind me.

  “The baby,” I spew, swinging around and marching up to him. “When? Weekend visits when I had to work?” It sure would make a hell of a lot more sense. Give some reason to his abrupt departure from the hospital. How could this be? He’s not suppose to have kids. He can’t! Jase stomps back into the house, with me chasing after him. “Don’t walk away from me Jase!”

  “Mia! Burning hell!” Lewis shouts from behind me. Jase storms through the house and into his room. Rose is just picking the baby up off his bed. She freezes when she sees us following Jase.

  “Sorry, I was just changing his diaper,” she says, holding what looks like a folded one in her hand. I tip my head to the side, narrowed eyes burning into her face. Her eyes dart between me and Jase.

  “Cole isn’t mine,” Jase says, looking back at me. His green eyes blistering.

  Rose gasps loudly. “Oh no! Adam is his father. We’re going through some issues...” She falters when she catches my glare. She should get to the point. Why the hell is the camper in Jase’s room? “Jase watched him last night. I had to work the late shift at the rehab center.”

  “He’s not yours?” I ask, stupefied. Oh shit. I screwed up bad. I kissed Lewis. My chin drops forward, hitting my chest. Stupid girl. Lewis’s strong hands squeeze my shoulders.

  “Could you not fucking do that in front of me?” Jase yells. “It’s enough that you gave half the fucking neighborhood a show!” I jump and the hands on my shoulders fall away. “If you touch her one more time, I’ll break each one of your fingers,” he hisses at Lewis.

  A deep belly laugh erupts behind me and I swing around looking at the taunting lunatic behind me. “You’re such an asshole! You knew Mia was on her way here. I left you a message! Yet this is what she finds when she gets here? Think for once in your stupid-ass life Jase. Stop fucking hurting her!” Lewis is shaking with anger as he walks to the door. “And you KNOW nothing is going on here,” he throws over his shoulder while pointing between me and him. “She’s too hung up on you.” He pins Jase with a final glare before leaving. Rose and Cole hurry after him and silence fills the room right beside the sound of our breathing.

  “You kissed him,” he says softly.

  “I did.” Shame creeps up my neck and colors my face. He wasn’t supposed to ever see that. “I'm sorry. I came in here and saw the baby stuff. I freaked out. I guess ... I wanted to get you back in some way.”

  “Congratulations. You broke me. I don’t think I'll ever get that picture out of my mind. He was all fucking over you. You were all over him.” Jase grabs his hair and pulls on the dark strands. He starts pacing, back and forth in the small space. He looks like he’s losing his mind. “Fuck this!” He growls, storming past me and down the hall. Where’s he going?

  The front door slams into the wall and I jump. Lewis, shit! I run after him and skid out the door just in time to see the first fist fly. Lewis’s head snaps to the side, but he whips it back fast. He smashes his shoulder into Jase’s chest and brings them both down to the ground. Idiots! I’m not stupid enough to get caught in between that. They both have enough anger with each other that maybe this is a good way for them to get rid of it. Walking calmly around them, I only have to step to the side once, while they roll around on the grass. I let down the tail gate of Lewis’s truck and make myself comfortable. Maybe I want Lewis to just punch Jase in the mouth for leaving me behind.

  I dig in my jeans pocket and take out my packet of cigarettes and lighter. I roll the cigarette around between my thumb and forefinger listening to the obscenities shouted from the grass.

  “You kissed my girl!”

  “You left her behind!”

  “Fuck you!”

  “Stupid asshole!”

  I light the cigarette and keep the smoke in my lungs for a long time before blowing it out in a slow thin stream. Jase can walk. The baby isn’t his. That just makes what I did so much more wrong. How much did Jase see? Did he see Lewis’s hand under my shirt? Did he see my nails dig into Lewis’s back, the same way they do when he drives me delirious with pleasure? What have I done? Disgust and shame swirl in my belly, driving the bile even higher until it threatens to escape through my nose if I don’t give it another way out. I bend over and empty the evil taste of stupidity on the sidewalk next to the truck. I choke on the foul taste and wipe my mouth with my arm. How will Jase ever look at me the same? Even if I’m not stupid enough take all the blame for this. He left me. My heart starts pounding again and my breaths become quicker and shorter. My breathing is so loud that it’s the only thing I hear. My ears perk at the lack of sound and I stand up quickly on the back of the truck. I almost fall over from the sudden blood rush through my body. I can only barely see over the hedge fence. Lewis and Jase lay a good ten feet apart. Both panting with exertion. That’s why it’s so quiet. Both of their shirts are torn, and both sport semi-bloody faces.

  “You shouldn’t have left,” Lewis says between heavy breaths.

  “Agreed. You should never have kissed her.” Jase spits a mouthful of blood on the grass next to him.

  “Agreed. I promise it’ll never happen again. She only did it because she thought you had a baby. Pretty insane, but for a second I thought it might be true, too I was so pissed at you.”

  “You still shouldn’t have kissed her.”

  “Yeah, well, she started it … I just didn’t have the willpower to stop. I’m sick and tired of seeing her hurting Jase. I just wanted to take away her pain.”

  “I should talk to her,” Jase says and I duck down when his head starts turning in my direction.

  “You should. Better be a good explanation.” Lewis sighs irritably.

  “I never touched Rose. The baby’s not mine. The only thing I’m guilty of is leaving. I couldn’t put her through that. I couldn’t even go to the toilet alone that first week!” His voice sounds angry again.

  “What you did to her was so much worse than dealing with that. You broke her,” Lewis accuses.

  “And she just broke me. She ripped me in half. That’s some sick shit to see.” Jase’s voice drops and a hint of sadness flows through my heart. I hurt him so much.

  “I’m sorry. I truly am. If I could take it back, I would,” Lewis says sincerely.

  Silence.

  It’s quiet for a long time. I sit back down and swing my legs in the air. I’m sure Jase doesn’t want to see me right now. Not really anyway. I did a really stupid thing. I would rather claw out my own heart than ever hurt him. But he left me! He couldn’t trust me enough to take care of him, and it killed me. I don’t know how to fix this.

  I’ve done some pretty stupid things in my life. If I listed them, I’d run out of ink to print them all. But this last thing, leaving Mia? Is by far my biggest balls-up yet. And now? I just watched my girl, the woman I wanted to marry, kiss my cousin. That shit screwed up my head. When I close my eyes I can still see them all over each other. When it gets too quiet around me I can hear her moaning for him. When my chest gets too tight with pain and I try to breathe through it, I can smell them. I never intended for Mia to move on. I didn’t leave her because I was done with her. No, I needed time. Time to fix my broken body so that I could be the man she deserved. Now that’s all down the drain.

  Lewis left with Mia about an hour ago. My head hurts. My heart, damn, it’s crushed. How do I fix this shit? How do I make Mia see that I left because staying would’ve broken us? How do I erase the memory of her and Lewis dry humping on my front porch? Fuck, fucking, fucked, motherfucker! I slam my fist into my bedroom door and watch the broken pieces of wood splinter and fall to the floor. That’s my life, broken to shit and shredded to pieces. I take my phone and start typing her a text. How many of those have I ignored from her? Five? Ten? Twenty? Enough to know she won’t reply. And I hate
waiting for a reply. I delete the one word I typed, SORRY, and throw my phone onto my bed. Waiting for a reply will drive me crazy. I don’t need crazy right now, I need to calm down. Four weeks of therapy depend on it. I did not go see a shrink just to let this mess me up. I did it for her. Initially when I started seeing Dr. September it was because of the anxiousness I felt about not being able to walk. Yes, I got so anxious that it freaked me the hell out! But after really talking to him, my anger issues came up. A couple of weeks later I could try and stand up without getting so mad at myself when I failed that I actually felt happy just for making it as far as bending my knees.

  Now one day in Mia’s presence and I’m ready to set fire to this house. I need to go for a run, clear my head. It’s another thing I picked up - appreciation for my legs. I run these babies until they burn, it’s a good burn, the more the muscles work the clearer my head becomes. I change my pants and shoes, pop in my earphones and take off down the road.

  Two hours later I’m so exhausted, I literally fall down in front of my door. Dragging my sweaty ass over the threshold, I lay down on the carpet of the lounge. My eyes move around the much cleaner inside as I catch my breath. Mia saw where I lived. And she saw it filthy. I don’t know why Adam does that, partying without responsibility while Rose is working. It’s a good thing little Cole sleeps like a rock; otherwise I would’ve kicked Adam’s ass. I still might if he doesn’t step up and be a dad soon. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. I’m glad Rose cleaned up while I was gone. This place was smelling like a shit hole. What was Mia thinking when she saw the house? The house I want to make our home, but now just being in this place makes me want to take a sledge hammer to it. I’ll forever remember the fucking wall he had her pinned to.