Knowing I should feel guilty and actually feeling guilty were two distinctly different things. I had to admit that there was something oddly comforting about realizing that I wasn’t alone in my search. I only wished that Jensen felt he could come to me. Then again, I could imagine how helpless he felt.
Already carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders must have made the idea of singularly raising a child seem impossible. I was beginning to learn that things weren’t always as impossible as they seemed. Perhaps I could help Jensen learn the same… Maybe we could help each other somehow. I had to think over the technicalities of the plan more deeply, but for the time being, I needed to get out of his office.
From there, I wasn’t quite sure what I’d do.
Chapter 3
Ashley
Deciding that I’d invaded Jensen’s privacy enough, I stepped away from his desk and thanked my lucky stars that he had taken so long to return. I made an effort to look as innocent as possible as I emerged from his office but he was fortunately nowhere to be seen. Fighting the desire to slam my office door shut, I pushed it closed gently before turning away and pressing my back against it.
Macchiato in hand, I allowed myself to sink to the ground. My head drooped as I took a moment to try and process my thoughts.
First and most prevalent was the idea of having Jensen as the father of my child. I knew it was a distant fantasy, but I couldn’t stop myself from entertaining the idea. I would likely never have the nerve to confront him about what I’d seen on his computer, and even if I did, who was to say he wouldn’t simply fire me? Now that I was away from the passion of the moment, guilt was beginning to creep up my spine. It truly had been the ultimate invasion of privacy.
Attempting to return to my desk seemed a lost cause in the moment, so I simply remained on the floor with my legs splayed out in front of me. Taking a sip from my coffee cup, I allowed my eyes to flutter shut for a moment.
I was guilty of finding myself lost in thought more often than not, and that day was no exception. I tried to limit myself to thoughts of what my future might be like once I found a suitable sperm donor for my child, though my mind wandered more than I would’ve liked.
Every time I pictured my future child, they didn’t have my voluptuous brown curls or hazel eyes. No, they had those piercing blue eyes and sandy blond hair that I was so infatuated with. In my mind’s eye, there was no doubt who would father my child and there were no questions of whether I’d have to be a single mother or not.
I could see nothing but a future with Jensen at my side, falling deeply and passionately in love with me before making me his blushing bride. Our child would have his wits, my passion, his good looks and…every good part of the two of us, combined into one single being. A giggle bubbled past my lips as I continued to lose myself in my fantasy, already loving this hypothetical child. Never mind that they would likely never exist, never mind that I was only setting myself up for heartbreak.
Full disclosure, this wasn’t the first time I’d entertained the idea of a future with Jensen. My heart ached for him, and the thought of a future without him nearly broke my heart in two, even as I knew I could never work up the nerve to tell him how I felt.
It wasn’t as if he was going to barge into my office someday, speaking sweet soliloquies of his love for me. I liked to imagine that Jensen would be the passionate sort, carrying an adoration for his future bride like the obvious love he held for his family, not to mention his job.
Of course, in that scenario, I was never the secretary, someone he probably thought of as a casual acquaintance. In my fantasy, I would be the woman who inflamed a passion within him like no other. The woman he longed to make love to every night, every morning, hell, even every afternoon.
Long story short, I was obsessed. Who could really blame me? Jensen Elliott was, by all rights, the complete package. I was simply tormented enough to live in an existence where he could see me as nothing more than a friend. I couldn’t exactly push the issue, in any case. I needed my job, and I needed my friendship with the man even more. The thought of pushing him away over something as silly as a crush was unfathomable.
I was drawn from my thoughts by a knock at my office door, and knowing it could be no one other than Jensen himself, I quickly scrambled to my feet and tried to make myself look presentable. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to revive the bounce to my curls that most men found so mesmerizing. Then, forcing a smile, I opened the door.
“Jensen, it’s nice to see you out of your office today,” I said, cursing myself as soon as I spoke. How cruel to put him down for taking a day to grieve!
Thankfully, he didn’t seem to notice my misstep, smiling gently at me. There was a deep sadness in those eyes, but there was something else, too. Something akin to fondness, though I dared not overthink it.
“I just stepped out for a moment. It’s been a busy day. I wanted to thank you for bringing my lunch,” he replied, holding up his coffee cup.
I chuckled, brushing my hair away from my eyes and trying not to appear guilty. There was no indication that he knew I’d been snooping, and Jensen tended to see the best in people, even when it was undeserved.
“I was just checking in on you. I know I tend to be a bit standoffish when I’m…” he paused, seeming to consider his words, “having one of those days, I suppose,” he finished weakly.
“Oh, Jensen, it’s perfectly fine. I just wanted to see that you didn’t miss lunch—you know how I worry,” I said, once again wishing I could take the words back. There was no way he could know how much I worried, how deeply I cared about him.
I felt my cheeks redden at the half-confession, hoping he thought nothing of it. His expression only grew warmer, however, and he reached out to gently rest a hand on my shoulder.
“It means a lot that I have a friend like you, Ashley. I don’t mean to make you worry, but I’m happy to know you care,” he said with a faint smile.
I laughed awkwardly, all too aware of how warm his hand felt on my shoulder. Though there was a thin layer of fabric separating our skin, I could almost imagine what his smooth hands would feel like caressing my body.
“If there’s any way I can make all of this up to you, don’t hesitate to let me know,” he added, his words as passionate as I could have only imagined prior. I didn’t realize how deeply he was touched by my friendship, but I felt my heart swelling at the thought.
“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind, though you’ve been just as good a friend to me,” I said, a mix of dismissive and embarrassed. He chuckled, drawing his hand away from my shoulder and taking a step back. I immediately missed the contact, but I couldn’t exactly beg him into my office to touch and explore me more thoroughly.
“On days like this, I feel like more of a sad sack than anything,” he admitted, though it seemed it was his turn to regret his words. Offering him a soft smile, I resisted the near overwhelming desire to reach out and touch his cheek, simply wringing my hands as I tried to think of some words of comfort to offer him.
“You never have to worry about coming to me, Jensen. I hope you know that,” I said gently. “You can tell me anything, happy or sad. I’m here for all of it,” I continued to ramble, much to my humiliation. His hesitant expression immediately turned confident once more, and he offered me that charming smile.
“Good to know. Well, I’d better get back to the grind. Running an empire is busy work, you know,” he teased, winking.
Though I was happy to see him in a good mood again, I couldn’t help feeling flustered. I knew what he was really doing in his office and while it wasn’t anything particularly lewd or crude, it was still enthralling. He didn’t know I was privy to his secret, and I could only wonder what more lay behind that confident personality. I knew there was kindness, gentleness, but I never would have expected the man to have a paternal bone in his body.
“I’d better get back to work as well,” I said shyly, and he grinned, patting me on the shoul
der before turning and walking back toward his office. My eyes remained locked on his rear as he walked.
Halfway back to his office, he paused and glanced over his shoulder at me.
“Glad you’re enjoying the view,” he called teasingly, and it was all I could do not to melt into a puddle on the spot.
Chapter 4
Ashley
Left alone in my office once more, I took a moment to think over the situation. I opened my browser, clicking over to the sperm donor database I’d been frequenting for the past few months.
People say beggars can’t be choosers, but when it came to my future child, I wanted to see it to it that he or she had the happiest, most successful life possible. I wasn’t just going to pick some random guy who had a PhD, or even someone who looked like a model—they had to have the perfect mix of all the right traits, and as days continued to pass, it was becoming evident that I wouldn’t find that in a database of random men.
I thought I had been as proactive as I could possibly manage. I was certain I had explored every available avenue, but it was clear that I was still lacking for something. I tried to deny the direction my thoughts were headed in, made an effort to ignore the undeniable call of my heart. My deepest desires were unachievable, at least, that’s what I tried to tell my furiously pounding head. You’d be surprised how far a desperate woman will go to get what she wants. At the very least, I knew Jensen would be surprised.
Working up the nerve to talk to him took more time than I cared to admit, and I spent an immeasurable amount of time pretending to carry out work assignments. Granted, I accomplished little more than reading the first three or so messages in my inbox, flagging them as important. At this rate, I’d likely mark everything in my inbox as important, but it wouldn’t exactly be a lie. Everything I received in this inbox was important. It was my job to determine just what, exactly, qualified as important enough to forward to Jensen.
On my good days, I did what I could to filter out the things I could handle on my own. I was having a bit more trouble than usual that day, probably because checking my email was just a poor means of distracting myself from the task that actually occupied my thoughts. It would be unwise to approach my boss without a plan perfectly formulated, and I tried desperately to organize my thoughts.
Belatedly, I realized it would probably be wise to clear my browsing data; it wouldn’t do for Jensen to see my idle searching for sperm donors on company time. Especially considering the fact that I wanted him to take the job, as it were. On the off chance he were to indulge me, I knew it was most likely that he would take the more clinical approach to providing the samples. As much as I liked to entertain the fact of actually sleeping with my boss, I also knew I would settle for anything he allowed me.
Though I spent long nights fantasizing about him claiming me as his own, to bear his child would be the next best thing. I could only hope that since he was hoping to have children, he could understand my plight. I could only pray that he would see how easily we could solve each other’s problems. Beyond having a child of my own, I wanted nothing more than to make my boss and friend happy.
The sex would be a nice addition, but I wasn’t at the point of allowing my hopes to soar that high.
Shaking off the thoughts of what Jensen would look like without his clothes on, I pushed away from my desk as I realized it was nearing time to clock out. I was swiftly running out of time to enact my plan, so I shut off my computer before walking out the door. Jensen seemed to still be lingering in his office, though I knew he wouldn’t make a point of sticking around after the clock struck six.
Approaching the door to his office, I rapped my knuckles against it and rocked back on my heels as I waited for him to call me inside. I wasn’t left waiting for long, though I was startled when he actually opened the door and considered me with an appraising look.
“Is something wrong, Ashley?” he asked idly, leaning against the doorframe. I could tell he was still troubled by the significance of the day, and before I could back out, I quickly tried to make an excuse for us to spend more time together.
“Oh! No, I’m fine. I was just worried about you. I know this has probably been a rough day, and I was going to ask, well, if you’d like to join me for dinner?” I rambled, finally coming out with it when it seemed I couldn’t prolong the conversation any longer.
Jensen tilted his head adorably, looking somewhat confused by my answer. We had never made a point of spending time together off the clock before, in spite of our close working relationship. Hoping I’d not raised any alarm bells in his mind, I offered him a nervous smile.
“I could use some company, I suppose,” he said warmly, and I managed to swallow a victorious cheer, reaching out to rest a hand on his shoulder.
“You know how much I care about you, Jensen,” I said, looking at him with all the sincerity in the world. He relaxed somewhat, quirking his lips in a fond and confident smile.
“Oh, you’re sweet. Let me tie up a few loose ends here, and we can meet downtown, at the Cerf Blanc,” he said, his voice so warm and sweet I could nearly taste the words on my tongue. “We’ll call it my treat. After all, it’s kind enough for you to want to spend time with your mopey boss,” he said with a grin. My cheeks flushed, and I averted my eyes timidly.
“I couldn’t ask you to do that. After the raise you so generously offered me, I’m not exactly hurting for money,” I replied with a soft laugh.
“Well, I’m not one to let my dates go Dutch,” he said slyly. I felt my cheeks redden, and I sputtered a bit helplessly for a moment. “Oh, I’m just teasing you, Ashley. Still, I’d be thrilled if you’d allow me to take care of dinner,” he continued. He seemed all too ecstatic about making me squirm, but Jensen had always been the type to play a sort of emotional tug of war.
The game had never been aimed at me, however. Only on those he found a genuine interest in. Perhaps I was allowing my hopes to rise too high, but could you blame a girl? A relationship with Jensen Elliott would be a dream come true for any number of women in the city; hell, probably the world.
“All right. I’ll let you pay, but you have to agree to let me pay you back sometime,” I said with something of a pout, something the handsome man seemed enthralled by. He laughed, drawing away from me and retreating back into his office. “I’ll only be a few moments longer. Loose ends, like I said.”
I nodded obligingly, taking a seat in the waiting area. I fiddled with my phone as I waited, idly wondering if he were still looking over the surrogacy websites I’d seen on his browser. How bold I was being struck me rather suddenly, and I was momentarily worried that he may be angry at my snooping.
As much as I didn’t want to poke the bear, it was clear that I would have to reveal my snooping in order to bring up my hopes about arranging a deal. Was the potential of angering my boss worth the chance of bearing his child? The answer was obvious to me. Especially if, God willing, it meant I got to sleep with him.
The train of thought was far from professional, but, I’d long given up on remaining strictly professional. I smiled to myself, unable to ignore the giddy feeling working its way into my gut.
“What has you all smiles?” Jensen asked suddenly, and I jolted upright, wondering how I’d not heard him come out of his office.
“Oh, just…something on my phone,” I lied, immediately realizing my folly when it looked as if he would ask to see.
Mercifully, he simply smiled and nodded his head before stepping toward me. He extended his arm, as if he would to a woman he were taking on a grand date. Dangerous territory though it may have been, I decided to allow myself to entertain the fantasy, at least for a little while.
“All right. Off we go, then?” he suggested, guiding me toward the elevator. I allowed myself to be pulled, in nothing short of a trance, as we moved forward.
Off we go, indeed. Though in my case, it felt more like I were going off the deep end. Not that I was complaining.
Chapter 5
Having resigned myself to spending the day wallowing in misery, you could imagine my surprise at Ashley Calhoun inviting me to join her for dinner. It was nothing short of startling, though not altogether unwelcome. Ashley had been working as my secretary for three years, and I’d be willing to admit that she was the closest thing to a friend that I had.
My work as CEO left very little opportunity to pursue relationships outside of work, be they in the realm of friendship or otherwise. As much as I wished I could say I had a fulfilling life outside of those office doors, the few things that brought me a measure of happiness had dissipated before my very eyes. First, my father died, leaving me in charge of a multibillion-dollar company. That had been five years ago. To make matters worse, exactly six months ago, my little brother lost his battle with cancer.
My father was a good man, nothing short of a saint. However, he had certain expectations of my brother and me, expectations I’d always intended to live up to. My parents had been sure that of the two of us, my young and vivacious brother would have been the one to settle down and have a big family. While I’d been raised to someday take over my father’s business, Jeffrey had a bit more freedom with his life.
God knew I didn’t resent either of the men, that I loved them with my entire being. I thrived on that knowledge that someday I would sit at the helm of everything my father had created. I delighted in the fact that I could focus on the important things in life, like seeing the pride in my father’s eyes when he someday handed GlobaPharm down to me.
Some might have thought my brother had it easier. I never considered that thought, though I would admit that I didn’t spend an awful lot of time with my younger sibling. It was always one thing or another, especially when I was away on business trips with my father. After he died, I went on the trips alone.
Baby, ASAP - A Billionaire Buys a Baby Romance (Babies for the Billionaire Book 3) Page 15
